THE WEEK.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 10440, 20 April 1912, Page 6

THE WEEK.

< Is th« Mayor a Canalite, or was he ?

Nawsrunnflrs sometimes lack either tho desire or ths time to peruse their own wares. One of them th 0 other night was loudly calling: "Full account of the wreck of the Tutanekai 1"

Mr Maasey has challenged the Prime Minister to give the names of Oppositionists whom he considers to .bo unpatriotic. Tammas has an easy task.' He ha* only to mention every name on tb© list.

A correspondent who says he is a ■ttttttW of the Citizens' Association Wka "Tho Week" to give Mr Dou'|aJ]fiß candidature a lift along. " The Week" ia not strong on politics, but Je would gladly propose. Mr Dougall [for the Mayoralty— of Laodicea.

Several papers, commenting on the JSjinio disaster, have rung in tho Kipling quotation about the cod and the

corpse-fed conger eel. Seeing that the [Utaalo sank in the immediate vicinity ■ott the cod tanks of Newfoundland, the itoc*»tion is aureljr callously realistic.

I Tho index of an official Year Book ■wnefcimea provides -unintentional hu|l«mu\ The latest Victorian Year Book is responsible for tha following unfor--feiaatsconjunction of items:— Senate, ninies of members . . 115 \ deony, deaths from . . 541 > MunenoM of p«rsons wrested . 878

. The most amusing advertisement f"Ths Week" has happened upon for Ivunjr a long day is quoted from a .'Yorkshire paper:—

!lTi f ??* mOT " ,bo ' ut Briggato, on night of >W Sat Feb. 17. Brown Retriever Dog. Old, felflrm; Of no but has long been only *>mpnm'on of oldorly lady; no name, but wtswoM to "Coom We, blast ye!" Apply,

' Occasionally grateful patients reward ,"%© attentions of their medical adiTlsera by leaving them substantial be- ] quests in their wills. For the first t tinie on record a doctor has returned the compliment. It is reported*that a |pr Lee, of RuLl, by a clause in his 'frill, cancelled nil the debts owing to him by bis patients. Th© politics of this country are a 'pmall matter after all. For a whole Week the publio haven't given a fought to affairs of State, and at the moment they probably havo forgotten .the name of tho Prime Minister. Probably, too, they have overlooked the ■emational news that Awnrua House is fiovt unoccupied. There's modesty lor

An Australian paper, apparently in all seriousness, suggested that tlio recent murder of two motor chauffeurs, •a bank cashier, a clerk and a boy, and tho raid on the bank at Chant-illy, were only an ingenious "fake" for kinematograph purposes. What is more likely is that the desperadoes had been inspired by one of the latest French crime films.

The bathroom trouble that led to the dismissal of nurses from the Auckland Hospital is simply another evil result of tho progress of civilisation. Thirty years ago there wouldn't have been a nurses' ■ home, and if there had been there would probably not have been a bathroom on the ton floor. A tub in the kitchen would have constituted all the bathing facilities. The reader of the cable news as it appears in print little knows the sore travail of the sub-editor. In the midst of a cable about the price of flour, bran, pollard and Waihi Junction shares, the patient blue-penciller will come upon a lucid interlude of this description: " Correction transfer story captains engineers suicides making it another passengers version Reuter wrongly interpolated and band playing nearer my God."

Tire Boxing Association's efforts to encourage the study and practice of self-defence are evidently bearing fruit. A schoolmistress was entertaining her class with a thrilling story of ,a burglary. "When I heard the noise," she said, "I lit my candle and crept downstairs and pushed open the diningroom door. There I found the horrid burglar and then I fainted." " With your right or your left, ma'am?" interrupted the bright youngster in the front row.

"I don't know what you would do," writes a Hebrew correspondent for whom "The Week" has the greatest respect, " if tho Jewish people did not provide yon with some much subtle humour. Does tho enclosed tickle your fancy?" 'the enclosed did tickle " The Week's" fancy. It is a story of a careful Hebrew father who summoned his son. " Pud your had on, my son," he said, " und ve vill go down.to der insurance office und I vill insure your life." At once the little lad dropped to his knees and hurst out crying. "Fader, fader," he wailed, "don't insure me. I'm too young to be set on fire!"

The journal that has little Latin seems to have a fatal facility in the misuse of classical tags. Take this awful example from the " Wood vill e Examiner " :

" A young Wanganui man had a lesson last week that he sincerely hopes he will have no reason to heed in future. He came from Wanganui—no reflection on his sanity—to get married to a Wocdville girl, which shows his good taste. But he made no hurry about getting tho license, and when it was wanted the Easter holidays were on, and he was unable to get it when it was absolutely essential. So the wedding had to he postponed. But the wedding party thought that was no reason why they should be done out of the fun, and tho breakfast was held, and the speeches made, and tho good things enjoyed just as if all was as the bride and groom could wish them to be. Next day there was a quiet wedding pro forma.

Apropos of the suggestion that men and women should cultivate the sense of smell, a good story is told of Uncle Joe Cannon, ex-Speaker of the American House of Representatives. Uncle Joe was travelling along a strange railway line, but opposite him in the railway carriage sat a lady who knew every bend in the way. After crossing a certhe lady, knowing that a glue factory would soon make its presence felt, produced a bottle of smelling salts. Concurrently with it« production a zephyr blew in via the glue factory, and Uncle drew his own conclusions. The zephyrs continued to get stronger and stronger, and the lady resorted continually to the smelling salts. At last Uncle Joe could stand it no longer. He leaned forward. "Madame," he said, " yon must pardon me, but would you kindly put tho cork in that bottle?"

A good crioket story is going the rounds apropos of a match played between a team, irom a warship and a looal eleven. When the sailors were batting they were asked to send out an umpire, and after some hesitation a jack tar volunteered for the perilous post. He took hi 3 stand about ten yards wide of the wicket, and after a few balls -were sent down the bowler appealed for leg-before, The decision was given in the batsman's favour, and the bowler mildly suggested that if the umpire wanted to see what was going on he had better stand a bit nearer tho wickets. '' Mind your own business, sonny, and I'll look after mine," was all the satisfaction ho got. The bowler continued, and with about the twelfth ball of the over he got a wicket. During the temporary spell he turned to the umpire and asked, Say, isn't it about over now?" "Not on your life," responded the umpire • emphatically. "We've come up-for an afternoon's onting, and it isn't over yet, not by a long sight I"