FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 10440, 20 April 1912, Page 4

FUN AND FANCY.

" Nature knew what eh© was when she deprived fishes of a voice.' " How do you make that out? "Fancy, if a fish had a cackle over every egg it laid." Mother Hubbard: "And there's Mrs. Flitwick. She goes lecturing on Open Spaces.' She should lecture on ' Oper Spaces'! Quite forgets the open space* in her littlo boy's knickers." City Man: "I suppose you farmers have an easy time in winterP" Farmer: " Oh, yes, we usually lie abed'till five o'clock in th' forenoon, an' knocks off ifer the day by eight o'clook in th' afternoon!"

Witness: "He's a dirty, mean little wretch, your Honor: a low—-" Magistrate (sternly): "Silence!" Witness: "Well, your Honor, it's the truth.' Magistrate: "It doesn't matter. Vie want none of it here." Baron Brag: "Yes, my wife s sister Lizzie is a most peculiar creature, biie s cross-eyed, yos, very cross-eyed, cioss-eyed that when she weeps the tears run down her back. The doctor says she's got bacteria. (Back-teana.) '"The coal Bupply of tho earth is limited," said the scientist. Wo one can say how lorig it will last." Great Scott l*' exclaimed a man in the back row; " and here we've gone and wasted more'n a bushel of it heatin' the hall for this lecture." A Yankee clinched his argument with an Englishman ns to relative size of the Thames and Mississippi by 6avingj "Why, look here, mister, there, .win enough water in tho whole of th/ of the Thames to make a gargle 'To! tho mouth of tho Mississippi." A story is told of a policeman wh« one morning was searching diligently for his belt. On asking his wife if she had seen anything of it, she replied: "Why, John, you have it on." "So I have," said ho; "I'm glad you've told mo, or I should, have gone off without 1 First Robber: " I do lore the countrv. I think it's a wonderful place. •■ So'cond Robber: "Indeed?" First Robber: "Yes. The other day, for instance, I planted a rose-tree, and a gooseberry bush came up. ? ec °??,' Robber: "Poohl. that's nothing!. Not' long ago I planted a dead cat in my,;} garden, and—a sanitary inspector came up." ' . . ■ '..<,' An amusing experience occurred same weeks ago during the voyage C* the Olympic from New York. While the Rev R. J. Campbell'was giving an addrfess-the rolling of the ship caused the whole of the congregation to be thrown to the deck. "It was the most rocky pulpit I have ever occupied" said the preacher to an interviewer, "but no congregation was ever more quickly moved." ■ A greengrocer's boy hailed a vesßel in dock at Liverpool. The surly mate gruffly asked him what he wanted. "I've got some vegetables' for the ship," was the reply. " All right, you needn't- como aboard; throw them up. one at a tuneV said the mate, as hv stood 1 ready ' to" receive the expected'; vegetables. V Ahoy, there, look out,l'/j shouted out, as he threw,a small dried; pea towards the mate; "I've got a sack of these." " Compromise is a good thing," 6aid a speaker the other _night. " Take thecase of'.a young builder I know. ..He.. got married about a year ago, and after, the marriage he and his wife had an in-. terminable dispute as to whether' they:; should buy two motor-cycles or a five' horse-power runabout suitable to their means. He 6aid: 'My wife and I wrangled for months and months, but,' thank goodness, we have compromised at last.' ' What have you compromised on?' I asked. 'A baby carriage,' ho answered vrith a wide, glad smile;" ' ,': A young millionaire, being enamoured or the new school of opera, persuaded a manager to try bis voice. He ihoped to sing good partHn " Thais," " Salome," "Tosca,"and other famous modern works. The manager, after listening to the young man's powerful voice, said gently: "I'm afraid that you won't suit for any of the very sub- ; dued, very subtly, modulated French and Italian works: but I am-going to bring out Wagner's 'Flying Dutch-, man' later on, and I'd> much like to, engage you to do the howling of the 1 tempest in tho wreck scene.'' , I He had been away on a business trip for quite a long time, and had. brought his wife a handsome fan on his return. "It's just perfectly lovely, HarryV' she said. "It's the daintiest and most beautiful fan I ever saw." "I'm glad you like it," he returned, with evident gratification. " How could. I help liking anything so pretty?" she asked, and then she addea, with a, sigh," I only wish I coula carry \t some time." "Why can't you?" ha" demanded., "No gown to go with it,!'; she answered promptly* "There' ought to be a gown to match, or at leastone that wouldn't look shabby beside' it,- if " She got the gown. He kicked himself for two days, and ever thereafter bought f&ns to match what she already had. ■ ,

-'" : :: ,'•":/ FEET. ■ j- 1 -* The police inspector's face turned' scarlet with rage* as ho rated a raw\ Irish recruit for his awkwardness. .... ~ " Now, O'Connor, you'll spoil the Una with thoso feot. Draw them back in* stantly, man, and got them in line! " ' . O'Connor's dignity was hurt. ".: "Plaze, inspector'' he drawled solemnly, "they're Pat Murphy's .lit" the rear rank.", MISUNDEisTOOD. '^ "Madam, I have an attachment to*• vexur cook." . '. .'■ ' "Well, call after nine o'clock, and go to the back door." ■ ■ . " But that is after working hours." " I know it. Wo do not permit court. ing in the kitchen until after workinjf hours, my good man." ; '. ' . "Courting! I am not a.policemanl This is an attachment for the stove. an' sho said you told liar.to order. It.;!. COMPARING DELICIOUS. . Delicious to have a pretty girl open the front door and mistake you for her cousin. y t More delicious — < _ To havo her remain deceived till she has kissed you twice and made a fuss of you, exclaiming, "Ma, Charles!" Most delicious— To favour the mistake until the' young lady discovers it herself and have a big brother come along, catch you by the collar, half shake the lire out of you, and ask what you ar» doing to his sister, with an agreeable hint of immediate satisfaction.

DRASTIC. Talking tho other dav about the Alps and the climbing of them, Mr Julian Grande told a story of how he once came upon a guide sitting forlornly upon a rock, .whilst the man he was supposed to bo guiding—a verystout German gentleman—was lying some distance away, wedged tightly in a crevico in the ice. ' ' Mr Grando asked tho guide what had happened. "The gentleman ia stuok," «aid the* guide briofly. "Well, what are you going to do?' Mr Grande asked. " Oh, I'll leave him without food till he gets thinner," said the man; "then I can easily pull him out!" "AMONG THE GODS." It was a sweet, sad play, and a there! was hardly a dry handkerchief in the house. But ono man in the gallery, "among the irritated his companions excessively by refusing to taka the performance in the proper spirit. Instead of weeping ho laughed. Whila others were mopping their eyes and endeavouring to stifle their sobs his own eyes brimmed with merriment, and hft burst into inappropriate guffaws. At last tho lady by his side turned upon him indignantly. " I do-don't know what brought you h-here," she sobbed, with streaming eyes, and pressing her hand against her aching heart; "but if y-you rlon't like tho p-play, you might 1-let other p-peoplo enjoy it 1"