FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 10418, 23 March 1912, Page 4

FUN AND FANCY.

Irate Father: " I'll teach you to kiaa my daughter 1" Young Man: "Not necessary, sir; I have just learnt." Mistress: "Your cold's very bad. Jane. Arc- you doing anything for it?" Jane: "Oh, yes, ma'am. The chemist 'ave give me some cennoniated structure of Queen Anne." 'Did you know," said the man who was reading about the contraction of metals, " that a clock ticks faster in winter than in summer?" "No. I never noticed that about a clock. But 1 know a gas-meter does." Egg scientists, otherwise poultryrnen, advocate giving wine, pepper, ginger, or gunpowder to hens to stimulate egg* laying. Why not give the hens a tumbler of hot water at nighty and have tho eggs ready boiled, in the morning? <• Master: "John, I'm sorry, but I find we must part with your services at the end of tho year." John (after forty years in the firm's employ): "Well, guv'nor, if I'd known it wasn't going to be a steady job I'd never have taken it 1" A militiaman returning to barracks one night was munching his supper ol bread and sausage, when he was accosted by tho sentry. " Who goes there?" "A militiaman and a sausage," said the man confusedly. " Halt, sausage! Pass on, militiaman!" was tho instant reply. "Where," asked the female suffrage orator, " would man bo to-day wore, it not for woman?" She paused a moment and looked round the hall. "I repeat," she said, where would man bo to-day if not for woman?" " Ho'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries," answered a voice from the gallery.

An actor, spending the summer in South London, took a flat close to Victoria Station, which he surrendered after a week's occupancy. " I think I coulcl have become used to- the trains going by in the night," he said, " btit every morning at eight o'clock two engines came under my window and rehearsed until noon."

Little Johnny was always asking questions. " You'd • better keep still,or something will happen to you," his tired mother finally said to him. " Curiosity once killed a cat, you know." Johnny was so impressed with this that he kept silent for three minutes. Then ho said: "Mother,, what did that cat want to know P" , . Hanks was suffering from the tooth-, ache. After enduring it for some time he at last summoned up sufficient pluck to visit a dentist. In the extraction a. piece of the tooth was left in the gum.. After digging about in the cavitv for some time, the dentist remarked, in tones rather of disgust: " It is strange, hut I don't seem to feci it." " No," said Hanks, writhing. "You're in luck!"

Little Madge contracted appendicitis, and had to be sent to the hospital to have an operation performed. She bore it all very coolly and pluckily» When she became convalescent the sur»; geon came to remove the stitches -that had been put in the wound. The child's idea of dignity was very much upset, and she demanded indignantly:" Do you s'pose I come here to be all stitched up and then unpicked again?"

He was telling a thrilling story out of his wallet of a thousand and', one. hairbreadth escapes, and hia pretty listener was leaning anxiously toward .him, hanging on his every utterance. '"'The wolves were upon us," he said, "hollowing and roaxing, as I have so" often heard them. Wo fled for our lives-r-I don't deny it. But every second we knew the ravenous pack were so near that we could feel their muzzles again',t our legs——" Mrs J. L: Story, who has just published a. volume of reminiscences, telh' of a lady relative who had all, her life been afraid of damp sheets. When she was dying Mrs Story entered the room, to find the fireplace barricaded with' a large assortment, of bod-linen. She; was having her winding-sheet warmed.'... "T never have lain in damp bedclothes while I was' alive," Baid the old lady in a feeble whisper,- " and I'm not going to do it when .I'm dead." The-River Clyde has been brought up to its present draught for vessels of large capacity by a system of dredging, and the diligent Scotsman is justly proud of it. A party of American sightseers were one day on the look-out for wonders, and passed somecaustio remarks on the river's insignificance."Call this a-river? Why, it's only a.: mere ditch compared with ours over there—the Mississippi, the St Lawrence, etc." "Aye, mon," said a ir>atriotic bystander, '' ye can thank Providence for your rivers, but wa made this ane oorsels." Jackson, who was to be married next week, went to his tailor the other day and was measured for his wedding garments. When the agony was oyer, the tailor coughed apologetically and said: " I am sorry, Mr ——.but I must ask: you to pay cash for this suit." "What?" cried our friend. " "Why, I've had an account with you for eight, years now, and I've always settled, promptly at the end of every month," "Yes, sir," answered the tailor;" you have always been prompt. But up to now you have always had the handling of your own .money, sir."

ON FOOT. • A small girl, aged five, was ■studying ■ intently a picture of the Garden of Eden. ' At last she said, in a perplexed, voice. "But mother, where is the carriage?" "Carriage!" exclaimed her mother in great surprise. " "What can you mean, dear? There was no carriage in the Garden of Eden.'' . "But," remonstrated the child, •"von told me that the Lord drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden.'', STRICTLY TRUE. The editor of a small American paper stated that he had been kissed by one of the most beautiful married women ia the town. This announcement caused terrific excitement in the town. This was accentuated because he promised to mention the lady's name in the first issue of his paper the next month. It is almost needless to say that the entire. issue was bought up. When the people 01 the town read the paper they found they had been, diddled by a smart advertising ruse. It was the name of hiiTwifo that he gave. ROUGH ON THE RABBIT. The conjurer in the village schoolroom had invited any gentleman from the audience to step up on the platform, and a rustic in a velveteen coat responded. "Now, sir," said the professor, "I suppose you consider it a matter of impossibility for me to make that rabbit in the 'box on the table pass into your coat-tail pocket?" " I dunno about impossible," came the reply, "but I wouldn't do it if I was you, sir." " Oh, you'll bo in no danger, I can assure you," smiled the sleight-of-hand man airily. "I worn't thinkin' about myself," the rustic answered. " I wore studyin' the rabbit. I've got a couple o' ferrets in that there pocket." VERY FORGETFUL. A clergyman's, wife, a doctor's wife,. and a traveller's wife met one day recently, and were talking about the forgetfiilness of their husbands. The clergyman's wifo thought her husband was- the most forgetful man living, because, ho-would go to church and forget hio notes, and no one couldi make out what lie was trying to preach about.

Tho doctor's wife thought her husband v.-as the most forgetful, for he would often start out to see a patient and forget his medicine-case, and therefore travel miles for nothing. "Well," said the traveller's ''wifo, "my husband beats, that. He qarne homo tho other day' and patted me on the cheek and said: 'I believe I have seen you before, littlo girl. What is your name ' "