FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 10301, 4 November 1911, Page 4

FUN AND FANCY.

Clerk: " I want more salary sir, b* cause I am going to get married." Em« ployer: "But 1 don't believe in ' unions' raising tho price of labour." A strange answer was recently given by a boarding-school girl to the question, " Did Martin Luther die a natural death?" "No, she replied; "ho was excommunicated by a bull.' 5 '' Bangles is a very absent-minded man." '"I know; I used to work for him some years ago. Once, I remember, ho discharged mo three times in one week, and gave me a week's wages each time." Mrs Wickwire: "I eee that chaircollecting is about to become a craae. I do hope it will not reach the proportions of the spoon fad." Mr wickwire: " I don't suppose it will. As near as I can recollect, the proportion was about two spoons to one chair. At least, that is the way it was in our. courting days." In a recent examination paper for a boy clerk's post was this question:— "if the Premier and all the members of the Cabinet should die, who would officiate?" Robert, a boy of fourteen, thought for a time, trying to recall who: came next in succession. At last a happy inspiration came to him, and he answered: "The undertaker." An Irishman was lately employed by 0110 of our large railway companies as.a porter. Shortly after he began his: duties a woman went up to him and said:—"l have just lost the train; how long shall I have to wait for the next ?" "Be jabersl you had better go and find the one you lost, else the company will be after yez," returned Pat. ' A young cyclist was riding ..down a crowded thoroughfare when his hat blew off. A passing workman picked it up and took it to him, saving him the trouble of getting off. " I must reaitf get some cord to keep it on," remarked the youth, as he rode off without a word of thanks. The workman's reply was short ,but expressive. It was simply "Get a nail." An Irishman and his English friend were out rabbit shooting. They' had been very unsuccessful, and were returning downhearted when they nam a hare dart out of the hedge. Mike,; in amazement, failed, to shoot, and the hare escaped. " Why didn't you shootit?" asked the Englishman. "Shure,". said Mike, " I didn't see it till it was out of sight."—-" London Ideas." "I hear poor Dobbs the humourist has gone to a sanatorium," said Binks. "Yes," said Higgins; " he worked him* self into a state of nervous prostration that I fear is incurable." "That's too bad," said Binks. " How did he coma to do that?" " Why, six weeks ago he got an answer to a riddle, one's, a chau-ffur and tho other's a fur show, and he says he'll never be able to Bleep until he.finds the question it will makfl: a good answer to," said Higgins. :■'.< Several villagers were discussing »- "It's no use," sighs the nature'; wizard. " I may as well give up.".; "What is bothering you?" we ask' sympathetically. "I _ got started.,. x: few years ago on a whim of mine; 'I took a head of cabbage a,nd crossed it: with .a white potato and grew eyes on it; then I crossed that with a cornstalk and grew ears on it; then I crossedthat with a squash and grew a neck on it; then I crossed that with.a cocoa-' nut and grew hair on it, but hanged it-. I can figure out what to do for a nose. and mouth." A voung Englishman, after he had been in the Far West for a couple ofmonths, began to grow thin. Wyoming cooking did not appeal to him. Besides his squeamish appetite, there was. another thing that tho natives held against him—his outlandish custom-of taking a bath every, morning. One day his landlady was discussing him with a friend. ""I tell yer what. Sal." said the visitor, "he's jest a-wastin' away, a-gricvin' for some jjal back East thar. ' "Nothin' o' the kind," said tike landlady, contemptuously. " You mark my words, now—that young feller he's simply just a-washin' of'hiaself away.", Wilson Barrett once had a lot of workmen redecorating his private resi-, dence. and, thinking to give them, a treat, he asked them if, after work one evening, they would all like to have seats to come and see him play in " The Liehts of London," at the Princess's. They said they wouldn't mindif they did! and, being given complimentaVy tickets, all went to witness, on a Saturday nia;ht, their employer's production. At the end of the week' Barrett's eye caught sight, on the pajr sheet, of an item against each workman's name, which read—"Saturday: night. Four hours' overtime at Prinoess Theatre, eight shillings."

A LONELY CROP. A small farmer, who had gone to the laird to pay liis rent, was complaining about the bad season, the poor crops and the small prices he was getting for; his grain, and hinting that a small reduction in the rent would be very acceptable. ■"But, John," said the laird, "you .were saying that all your crops had been poor this season, but I have been told that you had a very good crap of, beans." " A guid crop I" ejaculated the farmer. "Mon, laird, if ilka beanstalk had been a piper he wadna hae heird his: next neeHr playin'l" ~ KIND WORDS. . ~" . What silence we keep year after year ; With those who are most near to us and dear; We lite beside each other day by day, And speak of myriad things, but seldom say The full, sweet word that lies within our reach iBeneath the common ground of common speech. Then out of sight and out of . reach they go, Those dear familiar friends, who loved us- so, And, sitting in the shadow they hava Alone' with loneliness and sore bereft, Wo think with vain regret of some kind word That once we might have said and they have heard. LOITERING. In a sparsely settled region of West Virginia an automobilist was once haled before a local magistrate upon the complaint of a constable. The magistrate, a good-natured man, was nr.t, however, absolutely certain that the Washingtonian's car had been driven too fast; and the owner stoutly insisted that he had been progressing at the rate of only six miles an hour. "Why, your honor," he 6aid, " my engine was out of order, and I was going very slowly because I was afraid it would break down completely. I cive you my word, sir, you could have walked as fast as I was running." "Well," said the magistrate, after due reflection, "you don t appear to have been exceeding the speed limit, but at the same time you have been guilty of something, or you wouldn't be hero. I fin© you ten dollars for loitering." THE SILENT MAN. The sharp-nosed little woman in the corner seat of the tramcar evinced an inclination to be affable. " Nice rain we 'ad last night." she remarked, looking across at the old gentleman with pebble glasses. No response. "TheVll be gettin' busy at Blackpool and them places now," sho ventured again. The old gentleman simulated an absorbing interest in a shaving soap advertisement. "These 'ere 'obbles ain't the most comfortable o' frocks, I shouldn't think," she persisted. This time the male passenger sought escape in an exhaustive scrutiny of nis tram ticket. " H'ml" sniffed the lady. "If some people was a set o' teeth listenin' to ghost tales in a refrigerator I don't reckon they'd blessed well chatter I"