FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 9919, 6 August 1910, Page 4

FUN AND FANCY.

- " Does jour new yacht draw mue&water ?" asked a man of a nautical friend. " Draw much water? Why* she'll float on a heavy dew !" - ; Some day there will be neither op* timists nor" pessimists,. and that IS doubtless what the prophet means when he says'the mists will yet cease to obscure the truth. 1 Hubby: The old saying is true—"lt is only fools who get married." Wifie; "That's how Providence takes care of them. Hubby: "How?" .Wifie: "By giving them wives to look after them."' "Your face is nice and clean, Bobby,"' said the Sunday School teacher, ''but your hands are horribly dirty. How ever did you get them like ' that? , " Washin' me face, miss. That's what done it." i Scene: Village Sunday echool. Clergyman questioning a lot of small boys in a farming district. Clergyman I " How did Jacob know that it wa3 * Joseph sending for him from Egypt?" Small Boy (excitedly): "He eee'd his name on the waggons." _ I * A schoolboy gave evidence in Shor«« ditch County Court recently that an ao» ■ cident occurred 14ft from the kerb.' Counsel: "No doubt you think you are 1 a clever little boy.. How do you know ?" '"Because I measured it with a foot- ( rule afterwards." [ Mrs Neurich: "Did you notice howj. grandly our daughter 6wepb into tho ! room at Mrs Puppson's reception last/ i nightp" Neurich: " Sure I did. When ! it comes to sweeping into a room Mamie | wins in a walk; but when it comes to. , j sweeping out a room she goes lame." I "If you marry Grace," exclaimed an irate father to his 6on, "I'll cut you off without a penny, and' yop. won't , have so much as a piece of pork to boil' in the pot." " Well," said the young man, Grace before meat," and ha immediately went in search, of a clergyman. . . j Oh I—Mrs Blank (reading) j "John, dear, what is a canard?" Mr Blank J " Is it possible you don't know what a canard is? Why. the word explains it» self.l" Mrs Blank:: " Well, I can't sea • it. What does it mean, any way ?' Mr Blank: "A canard ia a story on« canardly believe. See?" 1 "Look - here, waiter," Raid 'Mi; Grouch, scowling deeply over his plate.* "I ordered turtle? soup. There ain't even a morsel of turtle flavour it "Of course not," returned the waiter.' "What do you expect? Shakespear« said there was nothing in a name. U you ordered cottage pudding would yotf expect a cottage in it?" 1 The Youth: Yes, I'm in business foj myself, but I don't seem to be able tflf meet with any success." The Sag©! "Nobody ever meets with sucoess. young man. He must overtake it.', "Of course," sneered the youth sar->. castically, " you,think you know what's what!" "No," replied his old father,' with fitting humiliy; "I Bimply know what used to be what when I was a boy." ' A young man; wishing to have a bit of fun at-a 'farmer's expense,' passed a few remarks about his cattle and his garden, and "then said he had set soma lettuce and cabbages had grown up, , Then the farmer said: " Oh, that's no» thing. ' I set some carrot seeds, and •' what do you think came 'up?" . Don't s know," replied the young man. Farmer : " Why, old Brown's donkey, and! ate tie lot. ' j A card in a window of a certain suburban publichouse intimated. 1 "Football results received here.' •, Into the publichouse one Saturday staggered a man, supporting a youths whose condition testified to the fact that he had been engaged in soma deadly encounter. "Ye receive football results h&re, I see," said the for* mor. "Yes, we do," replied, the bar* man. " Well, here's one . from th-1 match. You might keep him till hj« oomes to hissel'." A POOR NIGHTCAP. "I trust you slept comfortably. Ml Macbeth," inquired a hostess, and had everything you required?" . d "Ay, weel enough," .replied hei guest, a venerable Scot; "but I dinns see the guid of yon bottle in the bed. " Why, wasn't the water hot?" 1 th«, hostess asked in surprise. V "Verra hot," rejoined Maobethj "but ye forgot to put anything in it,* KISSING THE BRIDE. At a certain church it ia the pleasing custom at a marriage for the clergy* man to kiss the bride after the cere* mony. A young lady who was about to be married in the church did not relish the prospect, and instructed her ( ' prospective husband when making arrangements to tell the clergyman that she did not wish him to kiss her. Tha bridegroom did as directed. " Well, George," said the young ladj when he appeared, "did you tell tha clergyman that I did not wish him t<» kiss me?"

" Oh, yes." " And what did he eayP" " He said that in that case he wouIV charge only the usual fee."

A TONGUE-TWISTER. "I beg your pardon; I thought thk was Mr Dingly. \ "I am Mr Dingly." ! \ " Then I am glad to find that I waj mistaken in thinking that I was mis taken."

"Hey?" "I say when. I thought I was mistaken I was mistaken in thinking I was mistaken, and, being mistaken in thinking I was mistaken when I wasn't mistaken, I was glad to find I was mistaken when I thought I was mistaken, because I wasn't mistaken; or, rather, 1 I was mistaken when I thought I waa mistaken, and so I couldn't have been mistaken. Well, at any rate, I am glad. Looks as if we were going to have rain, doesn't it?" "IN A WAY." " Are you relatedi to the defendant in any way?" asked the judge of the alert-fooking woman who nad' just taken the witness-stand. , " Well, yes, sir, in a way, although the relationship is not -just what you would call near or clcse. Still; as I say, we are related in. a way and sha really seems more nearly related to mo tiian some of my real relatives who are nearer to me by ties of blood., but) you know that it somotiiw happens that distant relatives seem nearer than near relatives, because of association or sympathetic interest and all that. I am sure you know tvhat I mean. t have first ocrasins whom I respect, of course, but they seem less nearly related to me than some of my third and fourth cousins. In fact, I have friends who really seem nearer to m<r than—" " What relation is the defendant to

YOU?" " Well, as I say, it isn't a close relationship, although she has alway? called me Cousin, May and l l hare called her Cousin Sue s , and many of on* friends are surprised when they know that we are not even first cousins. Th« way of it is that her great-grandfathef Dodds and my great-grandfather Pugga married two half-sistara who were great-preat-aunts of my mother's mother. "We found it out, Cousin Sue, as I ca!l her, and I did, when we took up the study of genealogy a good many years ago, and we have called each other Cousin May and Cousin Sue ever since. 01 course, as I say, it isn't a close rela. tionahip, but " "That will do, madam; you may r©< tire from the stand," remarked th< judge, mopping his brow. .