THE WEEK.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 9913, 30 July 1910, Page 6

THE WEEK.

An Egyptian literary man who calls himself Shiek al Adiz Shawish has been getting himself into trouble in Cairo. It was the "Shawish" part of his name that paused: the bother. These second-rate literary people who try to imitate George Bernard S. always come Vo grief.

According to a cable message, three gets of twins have been born in a place called Mittagong. within a week. When you come to think of it, it is rather lucky for New Zealand that Mr W. F. Massey was not born at Mittagong. And there are others '' The Week '' couldi mention.

, "How are you getting on P" queried the indulgent parent of the youth who was sowing his wild oats. " I'm forging ahead slowly," responded the boy. "Ah 1 Whose bank account are you operating on now?'' pursued the father, remembering the youngster's past misdeeds.

1 " Oheese matured please," said

the diner, jauntily, to the waiter. Cheese was brought. In a moment came « a call: " Waiter, waiter!" "Yes, sir," " Take this cheese away 1" But you ordered it, sir." " I know I did! But take it away—at once!" "But " 1 ' But nothing! Take it away I Can't /ou see it's eating my bread?"

During the hearing of a breach of promise action on the other side the plaintiff was being cross-examined as to an alleged kissing incident. " How many times did you say ho kissed youP" inquired counsel. "I'm sure I couldn't say," answered the plaintiff. '' You see, I was so confused that 1 had no idea how often." " What," thundered the lawyer, " you didn't know; and with the thing going on under your Tory nose?"

The other day when "The Week"

was in. one of the milliner's shops looking for the latest thing in toques as a surprise for the bfiby, a 'dear old soul, who might have been born near Cork, came in for a hat. She wanted guidance, and she asked for it. "Certainly, madam," said the obliging girl; "what colour would you like? Green is very fashionable just now." " Moy dhear," protested the old ladv, in the softest brogue imaginable, " can't yo see that Oi've the map of Oircland writ in moy face, an' d'ye think Oi must in moy hat?"

During the debate' on the no-confi-denco motion a northern member described Mr Massey's amendment, as a farce, and complained that it would only serve to protract a useless debate. Then he spoke out his full hour to empty benches. "The Week" recalls an incident; that happened many years ago, when wit was not wanting in Parliament, in which a worse bore even than the member for Kaipara was squelched. This individual wa6 prosing on and on about some Liberal proposal. "You can't accomplish the impossible," lie declared. "I say you can't accomplish the impossible. This proposal is monstrous. When I contemplate it, speech fails me ——." "Then, we have accomplished the impossible!" cams in the sharp tones of the Hon W. P. Reeves. And the flabbergasted bore sat down.

" The Week " has seen some (,'urious queries in its time, but the limit is about reached by one handed on yesterday with the editorial endorsement " This seems to be in your line." "Dear Sir," it runs, "there is a young man paying attention to my daughter Nellie, and I want awfully to find out something about his upbringing, etc. I thought of the police, but didn't like the idea, as I have no reason to suppose there is anything wrong. No one I know seems to know anything about him, but. he is nice-spoken and well dressed. What ought I to do?" It is a delicate situation, but there is a way out. Tho anxious mother should at once persuade the young man that his mission is Parliament. If he announces himself, say, as a candidate for Christchurch North, "The Week" will guarantee that the prospective mother-in-law will know all there is to be known about him in a couple of weeks.-

A correspondent wants to know what remedy he h#s against the promoters of a masked and fancy dress hall that was advertised lately, and to which he went in fancy dress, only to find that there would be no dancing. "Let me explain the circumstances," he says; "tlie ball was advertised with a view to catching the patronage of Scotties like myself, and I went along in full regimentals, expecting to find some hrithers and some of our lassies there. Something prompted me to keek in at the door before I entered—l was a wee bit late—and all I could see in the hall were the M.C., a man who might have been the secretary, and the band. I waited in the hope that 'others might turn up, but no one appeared, and very soon tho band packed up -and went away. I went, too. It may have been a quaint sort of practical joke, but I am too Scotch to see it. Can I claim for the inconvenience I was put to?" " The Week " takes the circumstances as stated, and gives judgment on the facts against the petitioner. Presumably the promoter was sufficiently punished in having to pay for the hall and the band. If the petitioner bought a ticket he would have been entitled' to a return of the money, but any claim on that score ought ,to have been made at the hijjl.

The Tamo Poet, having suffered great tribulation through the prevailing epidemic of influenza, returned to the office yesterday with a firm intention of telling everyone how ho oauglit it and what he took for it. He also wrote rhymes about it, and go<t some of them into tho printer's hands while no' one was watching. Hence: HOW THE "FLU" STARTED. Down an the Choral Hall, Gloucester Street, where—let me see, The orchestra started a symphony, Schubert's " Unfinished " in B Sad music, mad music, compounded of shudders and thrills— Over my ears there came stealing- a series of icy-cold, chills.

Twas the door! "Twas the door's fitful pulsing, admitting the lazily late, Who scorn to be punctual at concerts that start at the hour of eight; And the fast frozen mountains of Greenland wero warm as the tropical beaches of Ind, Compared with the bitter-cold jetlets of air 'gainst which X was pinn'd. I sat in the hack row of chairs in the centre, a fact I admit, Which may not redound to my foresight, or caution, or wit : But thu3 said the ticket ""T. 18," and so was I planted Like a wight in a magical circle by Merlin enchanted.

When we got to the " Tannhauser" music, my feet had lost every sensation, And my teeth chattered weirdly together in tense tribulation; ■ Anai ( while a soprano was warbling, I started, Ker chook, choofe-a-choolcerty chu!" And was glared at with horrified glances by citizens thero that I knew.

But I sneezed on. all impotent., powerless, like a slave in the grip of his master, Like a bird 'neatn the eye of a snake, or a Scot 'ncath tho ovo of his pastor; My noae and my eyes ran in streams, til} my hanky was soppy, And I sat there and groaned and wriggled until I got floppy;

Then I crawled out into the streets in the damp, objectionable night, And so came at Wth to my bed in the dreadfulleat plight, 1 And when I woke in the morning the dread fact I knew, That once more l was booked for a week at the least with the prevalent " Flu."