THE WEEK.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 9513, 10 April 1909, Page 4

THE WEEK.

— :■■■ ■♦:> — : — " A broker is a man "who makes you bne. ' ■• • . . _ _ » . ■ - : A pretty girl is Nature's only edition ' ide looks. ..;-. , \ -r- 4 ♦— r- ■■ . TPhe dentist is an altruist who makes you forget all your other troubles. There were more peopfe went to Taylor's Mistake on Tuesday night than generally go there in a year. - ...';■ .■./ .— — ».'•.•■ ■, ■ ..\ "Invisible dirt is," according to Mr E. H. Quine, "thei most dangerous." That is exactly the sort of dirt which the small boy acquires from his own point of View. ( At the annual meeting of the Mackenzie Football Club, as reported at length in the " Cheviot News/ the alarming statement is made that "It ■ was decided to purchase a football." iWliaterer is the club going to play? -'■■ . — : — *"~~ It is notorious that history wiU ' repeat itself . " The Week^ 5 has.a jrecolleotion of tEe three tailors of Tooley Street, who. addressed a petition to the King beginning, "We, the people of London." What about that cable to Aequith? Mr Richard Le Gallienue, who has a iwide experience, upon the subject, says that " Beauties, Babies and 'Bedience " are the three Bs of womanhood. But "The Week" knows quite a Urg6 number of poor women who have to do the beet they can with Buckets, Brooms, a?ad Black-eyes. , '— ♦ ' - , Dentistry is not the most waggish subject in the world a3 a rule, probably because dentists are ajways looking , dd*m in the mouth j but that dentist .was surely a wit who, in answer to a judgment summons the other day, pleaded for an extension of time on the ground that he "had co many mouths to fill." . ♦ . } . ' : Here is a fresh. 6et of tonguetwisters for Easter :— " The sun 6hines on the shop signs," ' r ■'*' She Bays she rihall sew a sheet,i' " The sixth Aick sheik's sixth sheep's sick. '

" When lion rough in wildest rage doth roar," and in the same play :— Oh, Fates, oome, oome, Cat thread and thrum; Quail, crush, conclude and quell. ♦ ■ — . • When Mark Twain was a young man in 'Frisco the Carrie Nation of the day accosted him, as he stood gazing into- a shop window with a cigar box under his arm. "You are ruining yourself with 1 smoEe," she exclaimed, pointing to the l , -box. ■ : •' ■ ■ 1 "Smoke nothing," replied Twain, ' coldly, wearily; " I'm moving again." *•/ If.it wasn't Twain it was someone 1 .else. - i .- : ' ► : -;, i » ' 1 There was a sort of mix-up between ■ a motor-car arid a train at the corner of Salisbury Street early this week, and ■ an interchange' of courtesies followed ■ between the chauffeur and the tram • conductor. " Couldn't you guess I was goin? to stop?" demanded the distinot--1 ly grubby petroleuer. "Couldn't you • see me put me hand up?" "With : . smoked' glasses I might," was the polite response. ' " But you're so bloom-, in* greasy the naked eye slips off yer." : They spent the day at Governor's Bay yesterday, basking in the sunshine 1 and listening to the birds singing their happy. Good Friday carols in the trees. Then sEe grew sentimental and enthused : " Isn't it delightful to listen to • the concert of Nature's feathered songsters?" And then remembering that she had just been trying to persuade him to indulge in two guineas' worth of Melba he 'responded enthusiastically: "Yeth, ma tear, and it dpri't goat; a ■ benny, neither,: eh what?" : NoTf that Oamaru has gone dry and there is no> drunkenness for the force to attend to it has jto pay its attention to other matters in order to justify its existence. This was why it thugged a ■ harmless visitor the other day and charged him with expectorating on tha footpath. The indignant person was fined half a crown, arid handed over five shillings to the clerk of the Court with, the ,remark, '< You'd better hang ; on to the other half-crown. I might want to blow my nose before I leave your respectable city." Matrimonial plain-speaking often embellishes the columns of the daily papers, and a pretty' illustration of this comes from a Kentish journal: — Ij John Smith:, of — ; — , hereby give notice that I will not be responsible for any debts contracted by my wife, Mary, Smith, after this date. The response of the lady in the fol-lowing-week ran: — I, Mary Smith, of . beg : to say that I have nev<6r run my husband into i debt; but I hope be 'has paid hia own debts from the proceeds of the sale of my furniture. - A lady with tha^ neat, power of repartee could be safely counted upon to brighten 'matrimonial life. ■ ' ' " The master builders are a staid . assembly, with whiskers and gold watcht chains and things, and their annual agree is a solidly respectable sort of affair. ' It happened on Tuesday evening, and the importation of a conjurer to amuse the party was the signal for the inevitable* evil genius to display his facetious vein. ..The conjurer requested an eminently respectable-looking person, aged about fifty to put his hand into the' trouser-pocket of the magician and extract a card. It was during the . solemn hush that, followed the -insertion, of the hand that -*he funny person, said, "He's all right. He served his time at that." And the eminently respectable person withdrew his hand hurriedly. ■ During a recent election a man«walking alqng a quiet street was startled to see, a house door suddenly opened, and a man fall bumping down to- the ; 6idewalk. Picking him up, the pedestrian asked what was" the matter. " That's my club in there," . said : the human projectile. " It's, a political I club ; there are nine Jones men and I'm J for Smith. ,T_hey threw me out. But; don't worry. I'm going in to clean 'em all out. You stand here and count 'em." In he went, arid sure enougn, in s a minute the door Hurst open and a figure cleared the steps without touching. "One!" said the spectator, hold-, ing ujj a finger. " Hold on !" cried the prostrate one; '/don't begin to count yet. This' is only me again!" ■ j • . — r'\ * ■ — ' — ~ '■ . '■ A native of Dundee, bashful but desperately in love, finding that ?io notice *was taken of his frequent visits to the house of his sweetheart, summoned up courage, to addrees the girl thus:, •" Jean, I wis here on Monday n^cht," V Ay, y© were that," acknowledged . the girl. ' •. . "An' I wis here on Tuesday nicht. k "So ye were." ' ■ "An' I wis here on Wednesday.*' "Ay, an' ye were on Thursday nicht." * '■■-,:■ *' An' I was here last nicht again.'' "Weel," said ehe, " what, if* y« were?" j-V " An' I am here the nicht again." * " An' what aboot it even if ye cam every nicht?" "What aboot it, did ye say, Jean? Did ye no begin to smell, a rat?" At Tuesday's meeting, of the Canterbury Rugby Xlnion the fourth-class competition oame in for considerable fourth-class discussion. Incidentally it was remarked that players who could not afford the usual 1 subscription to an affiliated club formed ,the riiajority in that grade. There were men playing fourth-grade who were twenty-five years of age. This provoked a burst of righteous indignation from one of the members. "What! Twenty-five and' can't afford « subscription ? Why not?" Another member , volunteered the information that it was because they wouldn't, work. "Well, stop them playing," came the answer. "If they won't work why should they be allowed to play?" "The Week" leaves its readers to solve this little problem for 'themselves. ■ — '■ — • — : , The' movement for suppressing, $ie publication of evidence in Divorce Court proceedings has its disadvantages as well as its merits. Under its application the world would have missed a whole lot of instructive information which is bound to be embodied in the petition of a Japanese lady for divorce from her Japanese husband, which is set down for hearing in Washington. The grounds of the petition as lodged by the lady are that her husband has. failed* to entertain her with witty conversation, that he has become bald, that ha has deyeloped a habit of cracking his knuckles, and that he has grown warts. The public should in the interests of self -protection be advised of the stages by ivhk'h this abandoned . villain *lij3,fe...^ am vod at such a par-

That everything is for -the best in this best of all possible worlds is a gospel that particularly commends, itself to America. But the herald, angel who is singing the praises of a team of Californian boys which is about to visit New Zealand can give points to the poet in his appreciation of the goods he has to deliver. He writes : — THE CALIFORNIA BOYS Are the first American Club to visit Australia and New Zealand. Are the foremost Boys' Organisation on the Pacific Slope. Are the crack athletes of the city of San Francisco. Are the champion baseball team among the boys of San Francisco. Are the champion basket-ball players also. ■■-.-. A*e bringing as fine a boys' band as one will heajr anywhere. * Are capital 'lingers.Are- the boys who have for five years walked 500 miles every summer « through the great State of California, giving their clever shows to crowded audiences^ * . Are : iiatural aiid truly entertaining actors. , ' Are quite ready to go anywhere and do 'anything. ' ' ' Are going to give a rattling entertainment to those who come to hear theiri. , Are coming to see your beautiful country, and will carry back to their N homes a life-long impression of their journey. Are boys, just^ boys, and no more and no less. '';