FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 9430, 2 January 1909, Page 3

FUN AND FANCY.

' "It is a great mistake to martj^ ;youfig." " Well, it's a mistake tn*f£ : " ; : isn*fc often repeated." :- Teacher: "Johnny Jones, what »^! dromedary?" Little Johnny Jcnet: " Please, teacher, a dromedary £f -&L £ two-masted camel.'* - S^? Tommy : " Ma, wouldn't it bo naeo if i % Jou had the toothache, 'stead of; ane?" Mrs Blue Wood: "Why, *jfV- : son ?' ' Tommy : " 'Cause yon take .}&**< -3 \ teeth out; she can't.'*' • \ ;.Vl- r* " What's that carious-looking charm' you are wearing on your watch-chain?" 1 " That is our new coat-©£-arins— -eba«£j : fear rampant, policemen corachant," justice of the peace exoectant." , ' Dr Rush (to bicycle policeman) t "Yon mustn't arrest me for exceeding; the speed limit; I'm in a harry to eeo^ a sick man." Bioyele Poficeman: [ '"Come back with me and see the sick ■" I man your car just ran into." _ - "These are the bridal rooms," -aa--nounced the bell-boy to the blusbinjp young couple. "Oh, what s> tfweep 4 suite 1" exclaimed the bride. "1 don^b know anything about that/* said the ' bell-boy,' " butv the head clerk says ha hopes the suit suits." ,';..- A poor Irishman offered an old aattcepan for sale. His children gathered around, him- and inquired why ne part-" ed with it. "Ah, me honeys," be aa* swered, " I would not be after, parting with it but for a little money to buj; something to put in it." .''•"' Farmer Barnes: "I've beoghb £ bar*, ometer, Hannah, ter tell when W : Mgoin' ter rain, ye know." Mrs Barn«a4s| "To tell when it's goin' ter rain 1 Whjfrg I never heerd o' isech extravagano*. What do ye s'pose th' good Lord be% /give ye Sh' rheumatiz for?" VJi While reading the morning pape*' Miss Sarah suddenly* exclaimed : "Ho* 1 dreadful! Hey Mr Marigold takes t» the hospital, a victim of locomotor ataxia V* " I wonder," said her siste*:* Susan, "whether the poor man was run over or whether the thing blew njr 7 * with him?" . . '<■■" A* pitman once had occasion to x viait j his mate, who was confined in a localasylum. Whilst talking with him » the reception hall he noticed that th«y large clock hanging on the waO wan : an hour slow, and remarked, " Tfemfc clock's not reeV Geordie." " No, lad, that's the reason she's hero 1" /.'■. Husband t (arriving with bis wife at the station 'just as the. .train steams V out), "There! If, yon hadn't taken such a fearful time dressing w« v shouldn't hare lost that train." Wife : ? "And if you liadnH 'hurried me so ail" the way here we sbouldn t have such, a long time to wait for the next one."! It was at a theatre in Manchester. ' The king, aged and infirm, was blessed with two sons, He-was pacing op andj down the stage with a weary^ troubled look, exclaiming aloud: "(hr which of these my som ehafl I bestow^ y my crown?" Immediately came a voiMH ;.:'?' from the gaDeryi "Why not *arf a^crown -apiece, ginrnor? M -'-"'-i ' One day when the coach tor© up t»' the hotel door in the town of CarVtm- v ate and stopped, one of the hones fells dead. A. bystander remarked that it was a very eridden death, but Pete, tl» ' :- driver, replied, "Suddenf Not at afl*" That there hose died at the top of th% hill, nine miles back, sir; Bnt I wajrih goin' to' let- him down till I got to thftp regllar stopt>in J place.". • : ; Two small boys threw a bandful of:^ .;" Chinese -snnff into tbe air in the ele-s phant house at the New York Zooj , f and soon ail the visitors and fceeoewj^ were sneezing violently. Next :tn*! i a trick elephant made a gnmaoe yoor ■'■/: gave vent to a "catcjioo^ that ghook^f «ie roof. The little elepbants fonow**! with sneezes worthy their size, whilst ? the rhiDOperos exploded with a now»i like a tnniidert* ol^ 11 - : "Who is there," cried the nnpaj^c sioned orator, "who will lift a vmeii: against the truth of my statement^ Jnst then a donfeey on the outskirts cdh the crowd gave vent -to one of th.c ;: piercing "hee-haws^ of the tribe. Tba. faugh was on the orator for a momenVbut assuming an air of triumph he lift*? Ed his voice above the din to say, '-I?; knew nobody bat an ass would tq(F5 it."-' •'■ • .•- . ' ■ ■■■.■.■■ The solemnrty of the meeting wait somewhat disturbed when the e&kjpftttP young theologian pictured .in gkvwuic >. words tbe selfishness of men who sp^iM ■their evenings at the club, leaTin^sr thejl* wives in loneliness -at home. "Think^ i my hearers," said he, "of a poor^ neglected wife, all alone m the grea* f dreary boose, rooking the cm lie of her sleeping babe with one foot an 4: wiping away her tears with tact other*" t ■ V - Charles Fox, when a boy, meetings one Easter Monday a blind a woman; who was crying pudßing9 and pies, took her by the hand and said t " Come aioftfl; with me, dame; I am going to Msom fields, where, this holiday-time^yp^l may chance to meet with good custom. 3-: "Thank you kindly, sir," replied abeLi, Whereupon he conducted her to CriiK 4 ; plegate Church, and placed her in the middle aisle. "Now," says he, "7°?are in Moorfiejds^" which ehe believed: to be true, and immediately cried onti, "Hot puddings and piesl Hot pad*dings and pies! Come, they are iafib hot!" ' • ' ■ ■