FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 9303, 1 August 1908, Page 3

FUN AND FANCY.

"Pardon me, dear, but you cut • very ridiculous figure yesterday." i*. markod a ludy to a friend. " On, forgive mej dear' If I had seen you I should have spoken I" was the caustto rejoinder. : ; ; Chippy: "I was not at all up to the mark last night — tried io say something agreeable, but couldn't do it, somehow ; so at last) I bade them goodbye." Norton: "Ah! Then you did manage to say something agreeable after all!"

An irate mother had her little son by the ear and held a menacing cane. "I'll learn ye to tie a kettle to the cat's tail!" she exclaimed wrathfully. .-.. "It wasn't our cat!" cried the frightened boy. " No, it wasn't our cat,*' rejoined the enraged mother, "but it was our kettle!" . . „. . .',. "Your WorshrD," said. se\l«ry«y " I ask the dismissal of my client on the ground that the warrant fails ' to state thut he hit Bill Jones with malicious intent.'/ "This court;" replied the country justice ".ain't a graduate of none of your technical schools, I don't care what he hit him with. The pint is. Did he hit him? Perceed;" Donald MacDougal, who is a great anfrler, started to dress his awtL flyhooks. He was met by a crony on© day, who/said: "I hear ye*ve begun to drew yer Vain hooks noo, Donal \. I* that true?" " It's a' that," anr^feClVwiald. "An' can ye pat them up onything nateral likeP" inquired the Croay. "I dinna ken for that," replied Donald, " but there was a spider ran awa/ wi' twa o' them yesterday." The philanthropic lady was' visiting a Glasgow slum, and had just 'been ushered into a house where the goodwife was engaged washing. Her endeavour was to elevate the minds of ihs poor, and she asked, "Hattf J *ou read Burns?" In answer the goodwife bared her brawny arm and displayed* largo red mark, saying, " Th**©^ van I goA this morn wx' the steam rr o'tH* pot bilin' qwer. But, efter at a aye red!" , '".\ f ", ; '„.' In a certain restaurant an Trfah waiter was in the habit of bringSbg an old gentleman's tea every day, t"*Hth most part of it very often in the saucer. This he conld stand no longer. "Look here, Pat," said t^e old gent, "to-morrow evening, if you bring my tea without spilling ia drop in the saucer, I will give you a shilling for ■■ yourself." "Right/ sor," aaiOfct,, and the following evening he won the shilling by bringing the cup in ono band and the saucer in the other. , The latest Rockefeller story relates to {Be visit which the multi-millionaire paid to Paris recently. He ordered two wigs from a coiffeur in the gay city, and the bill amounted to £24. When presenting the account th© ■tradesman asked for an autograph. "Certainly^" replied Mr Rockefeller, who .wrote and signed a cheque for £24, which >he handed to th© coiffeur. * Thank you,**said the man, " but if I cash this to get! my money I shall not have the autograph." "Well, don't get your money." replied the multi-millionaire .cheerfully as lie took his deraarture. $■-■■■ :% " I am told thai your husband; play! billiards every nieht at the <siub--.play« for money, too," said the- «axfoua mother to her newly-married daughter. "That's all right, mother,", cheerfully; responded the young wife. ■.** .Hei gives me all his winnings -" V What? Do you- — " " And he always plays with Mr Nextdoor." " What difference can that make?" " Mrs Nextdpor makes . her husband give ber his winnings, too, and then she gives the money to me, and I hand her what my husband won from hers, and so we bothy.hare aboub twice as much money as we oould get out of them otherwise." ■ . During a gam© of golf in Scotland Mr Balfour once drove a ball ; into some lone grass. Turning to his caddie,. 1» asked him what he should do, to g«* It out in one stroke. "Try an* drive to the farthest sky-line ye can see, sir? 1 replied the lad. Mr Balfour did as hs. was bid, and, with a magnificent .dnve, sent the ball fair and square on the. putting-green. Amaaed " jit : . his. < own cleverness, he looked at the j&dd^e, for approval. "Ah, sir," exclMnled. that worthy, with a sorrowful shake of mf head, "if Ah'd your strength, andWa ma brains, what a capita?: pair for ;* foursome we shud make. ■