FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 9214, 18 April 1908, Page 3

FUN AND FANCY.

"Mr Jones," said a smart yonth ta me the other day, "can you tefl'Vfift why an elephant is like an oyster.? "Popl" A "Yes my eon.". ''Wera there only two or everything - ia tb* Ark?" "Yes, my eon/ "But, pop> with all those animals there must £**• been more than two fleas.'* " What would you do," asked an excited politician, " if a paper called you a liar and a thief?" "Well," said a listener, "if I were you, I'd tow up a penny to see whether I'd reform or punch the editor's head!" ■ A successful competitor for the oufli as a prize in a foot race made thw graceful temperance speech, in accept* ing it: "Gentlemen, 1 hare won tnia cup by the use of my leas; I trust I may never lose the use or my lags bj, the nee of this cup." Employer: "Bid you teU Mr Boreham who called that I had gane fa AmericaP" New office-boy: "Yes, ski I told him you had started this morning." " Good. What did he say f " He wished to know when you'd return, sir, and I told him I did not think you would be back until aita*. lunch." ( " Now, my man," said aa impecunious student, " what is the differenqa between a oow tmd a milkman? " Don't know !" replied to© milkajaii. " Never was good at pussies;" ~ (f -Th» difference is that the oow gprm par* milk and the milkman doesn't." *'Ah, but there's another difference alioy sir — the cow don't give no cnscUil-']T '* The danger^ sending telegrams » 6hown in the following story :--Aumb> ber of Parliament was to have made a! speech at Derby, and, being nibble te do so because the heavy rains hsdaettroyed the branch railway, sent a tele* gram as follows :— " Cannot qotne. Wash out on line." In a few^noara the reply came: "Never mind. Borrow a 6hlrt." . "Mr .Upholsterer, I would lik» ttf buy a nice reception chair. Something new/ " We ,, We just tho ; thin* madam. Here Jt is. Made espeeiajEr for out firm. Take a seat on it.* " Dear me. ( Why, this chair * awful I I couldn't sit on it lor five minute*. I never sat on such an uncomfortable thing in my life!" " Exactly, madam. That is just the idea. You see, it ia made for callers."

A young swell walking atone a. coontry road the other day met * pretty girl in a donkey-cart. Thinking to have ; a joke with her, he said, as sire passed him: "Why, my dear, you look am sharp ad though yon had been kissed/* " Oh, does kissing sharpen j<mf" eh* asked. "It does, my dear/ 1 ke ana* wered. "Well, if that be so, wouM you mind kissing my donkey P He ia very slow this morning." - Gentleman (in railway train) : '* Hour did this acoident happen P" Guard: " Someone pulled the cord and stopped the train, and the boat express raa into ns. It will take five hours to clear the line for us to go ahead." Gentleman: " Five jhoura P Great Soot ! I was to ba marriefl to-day." Guard (a married man, ,sternly) : " Look here, axe you tha chap who stopped the train?" f \ Two men going along a Toad- wet* arguing regarding at what age women gave up hopes of getting married/ and on meeting an old woman coming tottering; along with a stick they decided to ask her. Turning to her, one of them said: "Can you tell as what age a woman is when 6he gives up Hope of getting married?" She gave a smile, and with a shaky voioe said: " Eh, my man, yel l hae tae ask some woman aulder than me." The patient angler goes oat to catcH fish, of course j and if he doesn't catch any, generally cays he does. Here's a catch which was no catch at all:— Ono inveterate Waltonian, returning from a long day'© trolling in the river, was asked : How many fish have yon caught?" " All the fish I have caught are queer fish," replied the angler. * I will tell you about them, and leave you to count for yourself. I caught niM without a tail, six without a head, anq half of eight." What precisely «v %t* number of his catch? . Nought. .