"STAR" TALES.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 8841, 30 January 1907, Page 4

"STAR" TALES.

THE PROFESSOR'S NIGHT OUT. (By FRANCIS GRIBBLE.) Author of "The Special Commission," I " The Things That Matter," " The Lower Life," etc., eU. Professor Tregarthen— Professor of Moral and Metaphysical Philosophy in" Wales— was dignified, portly, and imposing: an old Cambridge "blue," and as muoh a man of the world as one could expect a Professor from Wales to bs. He knew London fairly well; and when he came to town, he stayed at his father-in-law'e house, in Berkeley Square, where the events related in this story happened. The Professor was sitting up late that night, preparing a lecture on the Absolute, when Lady Carmichael came down into the library in her dressinggown. ' " Sir John is very ill," she said in an anxious whisper. "Dear me, dear me!" "I left Ella with him while I came down to speak to you. All the servants are in bed, and he wants the doctor " ' " I'll go, of course. What is the addre»P" She told him, adding: «lWs something elee. Perhaps I'm more frightened than I ought to be; but I really think that Arthur ought to be fetched, too." "Yon wonH wait to hear what the doctor saysP'* ' . "I think not. You won't mmd. going for him, will you ? He said he'd be late. He's at his club." "What club is it?' 1 " Th© Junior Sportsman's Clvd — 217, Bt. James's Place." -"270, St James's Plac*--yee, Fll ren«mber " said the Professor, as he unlocked the door, and hurried forth upon liß errand, Tunning the two hundred yards or so to the doctor's house. Then, having rung the night-bell and shouted up the speaking-tube, he hailed *° a 270, St James's Place. Drive as fast as you can:" "Ho! ho! hoi" chuckled the cabman, grimly on his perch, "Stop that indecent guffawing, and make haste," said the Professor. "Ho! ho! ho!" repeated the driver, as he whipped 'up his horse. For, as you have seen, the Professor had made a mistake in the number. He had given the address, not of the Junior Sportsman's Club, but of the Young Sportsman's Club— which is a club of a rerj different character. The eabmah knew the Young Sportsman's Club, though the Professor did not. bo all the way through the silent streets be chuckled ■. "Ho! hoi hoi" . _ , At 270, St James's Place, the Prof esior got out and spoke to the commis■ionairo on guard at the entrance. " Will you kindly tell Captain Carmichael "that Professor Tregarthen wishes to 6ee him at once?" >■ "Carmichael? There's no gentleman of that, nairo here, sir," replied the man in uniform." '•'Nonsense," said the Professor. "•This is 270, St James's Place, is it »<«?" " Certainly, sir." . "Then I know thai my brother-in-law Captain Carmichael, is a member of this club, and I have every reason to believe that he is in the dab at the present tim«." "I assure you there's no gentleman •»f that name here, sir. I take the names of all the gentlemen as they come in." ... " Then you have made a mistake m not taking the name of Captain Carmichael." ' "No mistake whatever, sir.". . '"'There must be a mistake; and as I am here for the purpose of fetching Captain Carmichael to the bedside of his father, who has been suddenly taken ill, I shall come inside and ascertain for myself whether he is here or not." . . "Very sorry, sir. It's against orders to admit strangers, sir," replied the commissionaire. " Then let me see the secretary of the club." "Very sorry, sir- The secretary's gone home, sir-." " In that case you must let me pass In the exercise of your own discretion. "I'm sorry I can't do so, sir; but I've got my orders." • "I will take upon my own shoulders the responsibility of your breaking them. I am the Professor of Moral .■■ >j "You can't paes, sir." "What do you mean, man? Howdare you speak to rap like that? 'said the Professor, who was accustomed to be obeyed. " I insist unon coming m. A man of less imposing appearance ■would, no doubt; have been stopped by force. But the commissionaire hesitated to lay rough hands upon the Protesor. and. instead of stopping him, %• followed him, protesting, upthepasTh« Professor opened the first door that he came to, calling in a loud voice, a* he entered : . "Captain Carmichael ! Is Captain Carmionael here?" A chorus of interjections greeted inn. "What in thunder-r — !" "Who the !" "Well. I'm-—!"' ' . Thus they saluted nun; and tl» Professor perceived that h« h>«d intruded upoa a company which had not expected him. . He had expected to find himself m an ordinary club, smoking-room: he found himeelf in an apartment which seemed half gambling and half refresh- ! '" snent buffet. Up the centre of the room ran a table coveTed with green baize, at which men were playing baccarat; old men and young, pigeons and. hawks; a money-lender, heavdy bejewelled, ■who doubtless found the place a useful ante-chamber to his business offices. They were not playing for fish counters, but for notes and gold. At one end of the .room was a refreshment bar, where toung men who had already drunk too flinch cnampagne were drinking more. '' 4Kb any other occasion Professor Tre-

garthen would doubtless have felt- it his duty to rebuke the gamblers; but now his business was too urgent. "I fear I intrude npon you, gentlemen." he began politely. " Not at all, old man. Sit down and have a drink, 5 ' came a graceless voice from the bar. '•'Be silent!" thundered the Professor; and the' graceless one collapsed. "I &in looking," he continued, " for my brother-in-law, Captain Carmichael, of the Royal Horse Artillery- He left word that he would be spending the evening here t and. I have volunteered to oall for him in consequence of the sudden iJlness of his father. I am the Professor of " A sober man — almost the only sober man— left the baccarat table to attend to the Professor, and •explained the mistake into "which he had fallen. The Professor thanked him. "I am obliged to you, sir," he said. ■" No doubt, as you suggest, I shall find Captain Carmichael at the Junior Sportsman's Club. May I add that it .is a relief to me to know that my brother-in-law " " Shall I tell the commissionaire to call you a cab?" continued the sober man. ( . "It will be very good of you, sir," said the Professor. "We*, may trust you I hope," the other went on, " not to give us away." "I beg.ybur pardon, sir. I don't quite understand the expression." " Not to give us away —^not to blow the gaff, you know. You see you've acquired, a certain amount of information, and the'police-: ", v It was as though the sober man had called the police. A whistle was heard. Through the open door the uniforms of a small crowd of constables were seen; a vigorous man in evening dress, and a light Inverness cape over it, came up the passage, and a voice eried — - "Raided, by George i" The sober -man went back, and the Professor went on, and ran s into the man in evening dress, who put up his hand to stop nun. "Be good enough to let me pass. I'm in a hurry," said the Professor. "Certainly not," said the other. " No person can be allowed to leave the premises except in the custody of the police." . Professor Tregarthen explained — j "You evidently don't know me," he ! said. "I am the Professor of " I "I can't help that, sir. Professors aren't allowed in gambling clubs any more than other peoDle." « But " "They aren't really, sir, I assure you." " But I haven't been in the place five minutes. I merely came here in search of my brother-in-law, Captain Carmichael, of the Royal Horse Artillery, whose father- " " I don't doubt it's all right, sir, but you'll have to tell that story at Marlborough Street." " Do you mean to say that you have the audacity to— l'll " - The Professor nearly said that he would write to the " Times " about it: but reflected that even that step would not save him from looking ridiculous. Before he could think of an alternative threat the lights went out. In the confusion which followed, he drifted back into the card-room, and was mixed with the general crowd of gamblers, talking volubly to all who would listen of the scandal which would result if, in consequence of his mistaking one house in St James' Place for another, he should be obliged to etand in the dock at -a Police Court. " It will be in the papers," he said. " They'll have my portrait in the illustrated papers. And what will my undergraduates say?" A young man— the graceless young man who had previously asked the Pro l feseor to have a drink — took pity on him. " It's a shame, sir," said this young man, ''and I was rude to you just now, but if you'll . let me, I'll see you through." "My young friend," said the Professor"" I am obliged to you, but there is nothing to be done. If the inspector wouldn't listen, to me, is it likely that he would listen to you?" "No but I'll hide you." " Eh'?" i x "And then, when they've gone, you

oan walk out of the front door as if the house belonged to you." "But, my young friend " "Come .along, sir. No time to lose. Nip in here behind the bar." He gripped Professor Tregarthen by the arm. and opened the door of a large i cupboard. " Nip in there, sir," he said. "But, irry young friend " "It's narrow quarters, I know, sir; but it's the largest cupboard we've got. We'd have had it made larger if we'd expected you." He bundled the Professor in, and then there was a pause in the proceedings. In his concealment he reflected. He was not at all sure that he had acted wisely. He could not disguise from himself that, if by any hazard he should be discovered and dragged forth, he would suffer a graver loss of dignity than if he had faced the music from the first ; and he felt tempted to come out and face it now. But the fear of ridicule deterred him ; and he clung to the chance of presently slipping out undetected. Meanwhile the raid proceeded. The j gas was relit ; the gambling implements were taken away ; the gamblers were removed in custody : the lights went out again ; the front aoor was shut with a, bang; the rolling of wheels was heard and ceased ; silence reigned in the street as in the house. "Now," ©aid Professor Tregarthen, "I think I may venture." He pushed the cupboard door, and it vieldea without much noise; he struck a match, and lit & pair of candles that were standing on the mantelpiece; carrying one of them, he found hifi way to the front door. But ' ' Good heavens 1 " he ejaculated . For not only was the door locked, but the key had been removed. The cupboard from which he had escaped was only a prison within a prison after all. He returned to the card-room to reflect. " Dear me !" he meditated. '.' I shall need all my wits. Perhaps the young man who so irreverently invited me to , drink "ruth him would not mind if I j were to " There was brandy and soda on the buffet. The Professor drank. His J courage returned to him, and he formed a plan. " Presumably," he reflected, " there is some caretaker on the premises. Perhaps if I were to find him, and explain— — " He tcok up the candle again, and proceeded cautiously on hi 6 quest. Room after room was empty or unoccupied, but, in one room, he found a suit of clothes belongiug to the commission•aire. ! "If the worst comes to the worst," he soliloquised, "I will put on this uni- , form and escape through the window." This measure, however, could only be regarded as a last resource. The Pro- ! fessofr brought the uniform to his headi quarters in the card-room, and resumed | his search for the caretaker. ! It was not until he had climbed on tip-toe to the attic that he discovered any sign of human life. Then he perceived a door ajar, and heard a snore I proceeding from it. He coughed and pushed the door further open. It I creaked upon its hinges; and a voice called — "Now then, Tom! Why can't you make haste and come along to bed?" Professor Tregarthen took a step backward and replied — t " My good woman, you are mistaken, II am not your husband. lam " A shrill shriek interrupted him ; there was a patter of footsteps; and the door slammed in his face. He stooped, and putting his mouth | to the keyhole, spoke reassuring wdrds — j " My good woman, do not be alarmed, but pray assist me in my most unfortunate predicament. lam the Professor of Moral " "Go away, you wicked man. If my Tom catches you " " Come now, pull yourself together and be sensible, my good woman, } said the Professor. But the answer was mixed with, hj'sterical sobs. It was — " If you're a burglar, take the silver and go, but don't come murdering a Christian woman who never did you any harm. Oh! oh! oh!" And the poor woman ran back to her bed, and Hid herself under the bed- ! clothes. " Dear me, dear me !" said the Professor' "How foolish people are!" But he perceived that he was foiled, and fell -back upon his second plan, of escaping in the disguise of a commissionaire, carrying nis own garments with him in a parcel. . He went back, therefore, to the cardroom, and began to' effect the change. But he had not proceeded far — he had, in fact, only substituted the commissionaire's cap for his own hat when he became' aware of a faint noise, as of someone creeping about behind the buffet. He coughed ; but there was no answer to his cough. >. Then he approached the buffet carefully with long and silent strides. , "Ullo!" The greeting came from a person of evil countenance, who, with a look that was half leer and half menace, thrust his face close to the Professor's. "Who are you, my manP" the Professor asked in a tone of authority. " 'Oo are you yourself, if ir> comes to that?" replied the other. " Come now, my man, it is quite evident you are here for no honest purpose," said the Professor boldly; but the nian was not intimidated. "Dishonest purpose, is it?" ho retorted. "Very well, then; and what price you, oomin' in 'ere and dressin' yerself up like at monkey on »n organ, this time o' night?" The Professor's eye caught his own reflection in the mirror, and ue realised that his appearance was hardly in keeping with his tone of voice. "Just you listen, to me, my lad," the other went on. "You're thinkin' I don't look as if I wa6 the landlord of this 'ouse. No more don't you, so fur as that goes. You're 'ere for what you can get, same as what I am. You. ain't anxious to meet the coppers any more than me. Very well. Do we 'ang together and git away, or do we queer each other's pitch and get copped?" The ProfessoT understood. Unless he could get away Unobserved , he risked having to face a charge of attempted burglary. On the other hand, he could not get away without the bur-

glar's help. Consequently lie must make overtures. ' ; I certainly shall be much obliged to yon," he said, " if you can indicate a means by which I can leave this h-oii6e, in which, by a most unfortunate series of accidents " "New yen' re talkin'. Give us yer 'and on it." interrupted the burglar; and the Professor had to accept the proffered grip of friendship. But the burglar made conditions. '•I'm thinkm'," he said, "that it would look more nat'-ral if I was to put on the suit of clothes what you was dressin' yourself up in. Then if there's anybody about, it'll seem as if you was the gentleman and I was the servant a-shewin' yer out." The Professor agreed, and the burglar made his second condition. " Likewise I'll just ask yer to kerry the beg for me, and to stow them candlesticks in yer coat-tail pocket*" "I eh all do nothing of the kind," answered the Professor indignantly. " Well, I'll let yer be copped if yer don't, and yer carn't say I didn't tell yer,"' the burglar rejoined ; and the Professor yielded. His conscience pricked hinr, but he controlled its qualms by making good resolutions. He would carry the bag only as long as the burglar s eye was on him ; at the last moment he would find a means of leaving it behind. As for the candlesticks, he would return them afterwards by registered parcels post, together with an anonymous letter apologising for their temporary removal. " Come along, cocky," said the burglar, and. the strangely-assorted pair began their retreat on tip-toe. The buTglar led the way into the gloomy basement, and thence through a window, from which he had. removed the pane by means of treacle and brown paper, into a yard. A wall had to be climbed, and the burglar pointed to a broken garden roller, and insisted that the Professor should get up and reconnoitre. "If the copper catches sight o' you," he said, "speak to him in a lordly way, same as you spoke to me afore you knew me; but don't let him_ ketch sight o' you if you can help it." . "" I'll see what I can do, my friend," the Professor answered. In the darkness he slipped the burglar's bag into the interior of the garden roller. Then, taking off his hat, to be less conspicuous, be stepped on to the roller, and peered over the wall. He could see no one, except the driver of a crawling cab, some fifty yards away. There seemed a chance that if he wetfe quick he might escape from his. compromising companion by jumping into that cab and driving off. H3 put his hat on, drew himself up, threw his leg over the wall, dropped, and waved his hand energetically to> the cabman. "Oh, there you are, are you? I've been waitin' for you this half-hour." The voice was that of a youthful police constable, who stepped unexpectedly out of the shadow. " 1 knew you was here," he continued, "by the way the moss on the wall was kicked about, and I knew you'd be out again presently, co I waited for you. Now you'll come along to Marlborough Street." It seemed to the Professor that neither expediency nor justice forbade him to denounce his companion to the policeman. " My good man," he began. "Who are you calling your good man?" . - "Your misapprehension is excusable," proceeded the Professor. " There certainly has been a burglary. The real burglar- " * But the real burglar had also formed a plan of campaign; and his plan, like the Professor's, included the betrayal of a comrade. Protected by his commissionaire's uniform, he scrambled on to the wall, bellowing — - "Stop thief! Ketch 'im there! 'E's dropped 'is beg, but Vs got the kendle-sticks in 'is pocket. 'Old him eight!" "You atrocious scoundrel!" shouted the Professor, aghast at this unexpected treachery, and once more he tried to explain to the constable : " Listen to me, constable. You are stopping the wrong man. lam not the tmrglar. lam the Professor of "'Old 'im tight, constable!" came the burglar's voice. "Don't let 'im go I I'll run and get help for yer." And he jumped from the wall like a cat and bolted like a hare, while /the policeman fastened the handcuffs on the Professor's wrist. " There you are," he said, " safe and comfortable. Not that I have any illfeeling towards you. tjuite the contrary. Much obliged to you for getting me my first stripe." It was, indeed, a terrible situation, and it was in vain that the Professor toid the truth, and in vain that he offer&d bribe*. " Thank you kindly," the officer answered. "But I'd sooner 'aye my stripe." And then, driven to desperation, the Professor shook himself free from the constable's grasp, and ran. The constable pursued, blowing hi 6 whistle. A sergeant of police was round the corner, and the Professor ran into his arms. "Good Lord!" was the sergeant's exclamation. "Heavens! Why, it's Sergeant Llewellyn, of Llangollen." " Certainly, sir. Sergeant Llewellyn that you got put into the metropolitan police.. ' Asking your pardon, little was I thinking then " "For heaven's sake, Llewellyn, listen to what I have to say." Sergeant Llewellyn o&uld see clearly enough that there had been some misunderstanding. Whether it was a misunderstanding that could be cleared ui> without a visit to ths police station was another matter. But he would try. "Constable Parsone," he said, " stand to one side. Now, sir, you tell me what it's all about." At laßt the Professor had a sympathetic listener, to whom he - could relate his night's adventures. Sergeant Llewellyn listened to the story gravely, removing the handcuffs while he did so. Then he turned upon Constable Parsone.

" What' 3 the meaniug of this. Constable Parsons?" he asked. " Charge o' burglary. I seed the gentleman eomin' out o' the house — " "Yes; and who else did you ccc coming out o' the house at the same time?" "Nobody. Lea<sfc*vays only the commissionaire that ivaa after 'im, and wont tor elp that I didn't require." " Went for help, did he? Do you &etj what you've, done, Constable Parttons? You've run in a real gentleman, and you've let a real burglar go. A pretty figure you'll cut, Constable Parsone, when you tell that story to the Inspector." "Well. I dunno," replied, the constable. "Look in the gentleman's pocket* and you'll find the candlesticks." It was a goad point. For a moment the sergeant did not know how to meet it. Then a happy thought struck him. ' ' Candlesticks ! Fiddlesticks ! " he replied. "When a real gentleman, as I know this gentleman to be, has candlesticks in his pocket, it stands to reason they're his own candlesticks. How else would you have a gentleman carry his candlesticks. ? Do you expect a gentleman to go about with hie candlesticks slung round hie neck?" It was : an uiiconsequential argument but it served. j " Well, you're a sergeant, I'm only a constable," was the answer, to which Sergeant Llewellyn rejoined: " Constable Parsons, that's the truest words you ever spoke. I'm the sergeant, and I'll trouble you to go back to your beat and leave me to take charge of this case. And, mark my words Constable Parsons, the less you talk about this night's foolishness of yours the leas likely you are to get J into trouble." Then to the Professor: "I'll have to take you home, sir, and get you formally identified by your friends and relations. Then, if you wouldn't mind handing me over the — or— candlesticks, sir- " and the Professor produced them. " Rest assured, too," he added, "that I shall find a tangible means of showing my gratitude both to the constable and* yourself, if this little matter can be so arranged as to entail no further publicity." And that, of course, wa« now Sergeant Llewellyn managed it. j