PUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 7923, 30 January 1904, Page 3

PUN AND FANCY.

Laugh at trifles— but do it behind their backs, for the -world is made up of trifles. , Before marriage a timid man doesn't know what to say, and after marriage be ia afraid to say it. ' • ' . "Do you believe tbat 3rissing is unheal-, thy?" asked the girl. "Well, I— er, don't know," replied the young man. "Is your, father at -borne ?" . . Tommy: "How does Jimmy like his job?" Johnny. "Oh, be says there's nothin' the matter with it except the pay, .. an' the hours, an' the work." ' Edith: "Why did yqu refuse bim?" Ethel: "He has" a past," Edith: "But he can blot it out." Ethel : " Perhaps ; but he can't use me for a blotter." ' . "A man dat specks dis worl' to rewabJ bint foh doin' nufifin," said Uncle Eben, "is jes' like a man dat goes fish in' an^ don't put no bait on de hook." ' Nellie: "Do you think Paul cares for jGteiibiie?" Emma: "Did you ever bear a young man refer to a red-haired girl as. having auburn tresses unless be loved, her?" •• [ Employer: "Yes, I advertised for »; strong boy. Do you think you will suit?"J Applicant: "Well, I have iust finished! thrashing nineteen other applicants out inthe passage." . > "They say a carrier pigeon will go furt' ther than any other bird," said the board-' er, between bites. "Well, I'll have to try one," said tbe landlady; "I notice a fowft doesn't go far." • . . Parent (meeting his son late at night) * "Where are you going at tbis time or. night. John? On no good errand, I'll warrant." John : " No, father ; I was going to look for you." \ ' ' , "My brother took the Civil Service ex^ amination, but be failed to guess the cor-j reet answer to a single question." ""What' did they do with bim?" "'Made him 4 weather prophet." . Mrs Gummit: "My boy has won tb# first prize at school." Mrs Hodge: "Ah* I can understand yer feelin'.. I remembei* how pleased we was when our pig took a> prize at the show." Banks : "I don't mind' tbe influenza- ijk self so much, it's the after-effects I'm afraid of." Rivers: "The after-effects is what ails me.' Pm still dodging the doctor fo. ; twenty-five shillings." ' Jenkins: "Then you mean to tell me I have told you a lie?" Chambers : " Well, no;' I don't wish to be quite so rude as that, but I will say this— you'd make a very - good weather prophet." Sporting Customer: "Pound of cheese, please." Grocer: "Yes, sir; Gorgonzola or Cheddar?" Sporting Customer : " Oh, I don't care;. start 'em both across the counter, and Tli take tbe winner." i The Captain : " I'm awfully sorry to tell you that your, little boy's hat has blown overboard." Mamma :• " Really, why I just tied it on tight with a piece of string." The Captain *. " Yes, that's ..the . trouble — the siring didn't break." ; Modern Maid : "I want some advice. " Old Lady : " Certainly, my dear. Wbafc is it ?" Modern Maid : " Shall I marry a man whose tastes are the' opposite of mine, and quarrel with bim, or shall I marry a man whose tastes are the same as mine, and get tired of bim!"' " Why, Clara, dear, what has happened? It is not a month since your marriage, and I find you in tears already!" "Ah, Hilda, darling ! George is standing as a member for' the county, you knowV and I've only just learned from the Opposition papers what a really dreadful man I have married." "I want to test- your affection for me, George, dear," -said the strawberry blonde, as she toyed with the diamond ring on her third. finger. "Turn on the test," answered George. " I want you to give up smoking for my sake," continued the fait tyrant. "Will you do. it?" "That's what I will," replied the diplomatic youth. "Hereafter I'll smoke exclusively for anj own sake." She wae shy of germs in the water, She boiled end killed them by steam; She was shy of germs in the butter, And microbes that flourish in- oream. S_e was shy of germs in the sirloin, • Of germs in the marrowfat bone, She was shy of germs in her money, And genps that you* meet at" the 'phon* 'She waa _hy of germs at the playhouse, Of germs on the tramcar slips; But she wasn't a bit shy of the microbes If there were any on Archibald's lips. . r Joe O'Gorman, a real Irish' comedian, pot an impossible creature, flourishing a _l}il** lelagh, has been* singing songs, dancing and telling stories at the London Alhambra. Mr O'Gorman bas an imaginary friend, Flanagnn, in the wings, and! Flana gan is the hero of every tale. It onct happened that Flanagan was in decidedly "low water," so he asked a circus proprietor to give bim work. "Our largest lion died last week," said the lord of the arena, "but we keep bis skin, and if you like to get into it and be shown as a real live lion you can have tbe job." Flanagan agreed. At the first show the circus proprietor stepped into the cage and said: "Ladies ah_ gentlemen, to prove the docility of this roaring lion I'll order him. into the same cage as a ferocious tiger !" Flanagan protested, but the circus propietor threatened to run bim through- with a sword, sa poor Flanagan was driven into the same cage as the tiger. He fell upon bis knees and cried, "Spare me!" Then the ferock ous tiger jumped to bis feet and answered: " You needn't be afraid o' me 1 Sure I'nr an Irishman meself !"■ AN OFF-HANDED MANNER. "I don't quite see the point of that remark of yours," said t Mr Skinner, the grocer,- as he tied up the package of sugar. '".What remark was that?" asked the customer. " You just remarked' that some mem had an off .hand way of doing things, and you wished I was one." " Yes, I wished to remind you that .your hand was on the sugar when you weighed it." IN HIS GOLFING "SOOT." Golfers were a novelty in the neighbourh_bd, and when a ; visitor laden witb clubs was making his way through a side street to some newly prepared links, he was surprised by a lady accosting bim with : "You be main late, but right spruce this , morning." "Rural familiarity," thought tbe golfer ; albeit, he repbed pleasantly that be thought he should he in time for ont round. . . "But there he a couple," answered the-' ; " the keepin'-room and the kitchen. *"- "Keeping-room and kitchen/ queried the astonished' knight of the niblick. ! " Ay ; ain't you come to sweep the chimr bleys?" IT ANSWERED WELL. Wife (with' solicitude of tone. : '.'lt must be very lonesome sitting all by yourself at night, balancing your books." Husband (tenderly) : "It is. my darling.* \Wife: '" I have been thinking about it foi some time, and now I have got a pleasantsurprise for you." t ' Husband: "A pleasant surprise?" . Wife : " Yes, dearest. I sent for mothei. • yesterday, and I expect her . this evening. I I mean to have her stay with us a long time. She will; take care of tbe house afc night | and look after the children, and I can go i down and sit in the office with you whUt you work." ; • | Husband :.;" The dickens— that is to say,' I couldn't think of you going to town." , Wife: "It's airy duty, dearest. I ougblf ., to have thought' of it before, but it neve* came to -any mind till yesterday. Ohf John, forgive me for not thinking of youf. comfort sooner. But I will go and sit witk. you to-night." ': ■■' » -, Husband: "To-night. Why t J— I— th#* fact is I got through witb my books last night." r Wife: "You did? How delightful. And so you can now stay at home every evening. . I'm so glad. v And Jhe delightful wife ran off to make .' preparations for the reception of her ' mother, while the .husband, with sombre, brow, sat looking at tbe picture of a card , party, with one member absent^ ia tb* : —>l«*,win~. xuate.