THE WEEK.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 7701, 9 May 1903, Page 4

THE WEEK.

Let's hope that when our electric trams "get a bend on," tbey won't be quite sp ber-loody as thoso in Auckland. Another smash .this week. Considering, the shorb time they've been jit ifc their butcher's bill) is highly creditable to local industry.

There havo only been a bare couple of chloroform fatalities in the lasfc week or so. This may, of course, mean that the medical profession is beginning to learn things — ■' or ib may mean that there has been no occasion to use much.

For onco in the year, namely, tho month of May, Ohristchurch, with the autumn tints of her English trees, can give pointa in scenery to anyi other town in New Zealand. For- onoe at least— and at tbe same time — Christchurch air is bracing and her climate grand. For these things lefc us be duly thankful.

What a gorgeous modern institution is a hyphen! How ifc glorifies middle-class obscurity into a sorfc of best electro-plated somebody. For instance, Sprouts, honesti man like his father and grandfather, ia content with a single-barrelled patronymic. But his ambitious wife (she was a TurnipTop dontchcrknow), seizing on tbe fact that one of -his Christian names is Brussels (his father was in the carpet line), calls herself Mrs Brussels-Spronts. And so on.

-The Victorian Government's dealings with tbe railway men remind us of three pictures in "Punch." No. 1 shows a big man menacing a small one with the words, "You gefc out of this," to which he receives the reply "I won't." No. 2 shows th© big chap stripped and squaring up, saying "Oh, you. won't, won't; you?" and the little fellow, firmly on guard, answers "No!" In No. 3 the big 'uu is shown putting on his coat and remarking " Then stay where you are!"

Sir Robert Stout has this week been very severe oa tho habitual indulgence in perjury so common in our Courts. He thinks that magistrates might ■with advantage direct prosecution^ a bit of fcener. Sir Robert does not base his indignation on the breach of heavenly law involved. He puts it on the lower ground of contempt of mero earthly tribunals. No doubt it will in due time be punished in its former capacity^ bufc for everyday purposes a little earthly chastisement in the meantime won't be wasted.

" Eep, eep, oorny, God zave ze Keeng — Vive L' Anglais!" exclaims Jacques Bonhomme. And he really begins to think thafc Jean 800 l isn't such a bad fellow after all. Perhaps — who knows?— it may nofc be true that Jean is always thrashing his wife, or spending ze s night in ze ploughfield to shoot ze fox. \ He may even occasionally refrain from drinking too much portarebier. He may sometin/es cease to call oufc for rosbifgodnm- Therefore let us forget Waterloo, Trafalgar and "Fashoda — until next time. Why should we not be friends? Jacques is a merry, thrifty, clever fellow, and brave to a fault. We have much more in common than in conflict, and few would care to take on the paii? of us. So let us shake hands hard — bufc never mind the kissing.

This week Mr Justice Conolly, at Auckland 1 , unbosomed himself of the statement that it wae mortifying, after hearing so much of how the men «ent to South Africa distinguished themselves to find that some of them wero habitual thieves or persons of bad character. Let us bope the light-ni-ng-jerker has not correctly reported these remarks, or the logic and common-sense of this dictum- must suffer. Would it have been any less mortifying to hear of the invariable black sheep in every flock, had the oth*r members of that flock NOT distirguished themselves-?

In future the French Government will collect its income tax on "apparent circumstances." This, of course^ means for the most part personal appearance. How would this pan out in Christchurch?

There's many a -manboth- Warm and Fat, Whoso tens of thous -aro thick «s peas, Who wears a shocking gutter-hat

And breeches bagging at tho knees, Who, if a chance could but ace, Would clamour for the O.A.P. How gladly would he pay (like France) Upon apparent circumstance.