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Star (Christchurch), Issue 7667, 28 March 1903, Page 3

We never- gits acquainted wid whafc dty calls Opportunity till he's too fur out er reach ter shake han's. Master (to arithmetic class) : "How many make a million V Johnny Smart : " About one in a million, I should say, sir." "Well, v.uiie," asked grandma, "hava you had all the dinner you want?" " No," answered the boy, " but I -have had all I can cat." '-, Mrs Riley : "Are yez on callin' terms wid our neighbour?" Mrs Murphy: "Atf coorse I am. Sh'e called me a thafe and I called her another." '• Well, it you're not a good-looking man, Fred, you are certainly an 'immense credit to your tailor." "Do you think so? He says I am "an immense debit." " Percy, if a man were to sit on your hat, what would you say ?" " I should call him a confounded silly ass !" " Then don't sit on it any longer, there's a dear. ' "Were you carefully brought up, my lad?" asked the merchant of the applicant for a situation. " Please sir, yes, sir ; I came up in the lift, sir," said the respectful youth. "Would you die for me?" she asked, sentimentally. " Now, look here," he returned, in- his matter-of-fact way, " are we supposed to be planning a cheap novel or a wedding?" " Seems ' to. me, Maud, that young Sir Hankinson stayed prettyy late last night. Did he have any pressing business?" Maud (blushingly) : '" Not till just before he wenfc away, mamma." Jenkins, writing to thank his aunt for a large goose sent at Christmas, says : " You could not have sent me a more acceptable present, or one that would have reminded me pf you more pleasantly." "1 just asked lirs Nouveau-Riche if sh« enjoyed Venice, and what do you think she said?" "Give it up.' "That they only stayed overnight, as the streets were Hooded and people had to go about -in boats." Willie : " I say, pa, is every word in the dictionary ?" Pa : "No, I believe not, my son. Every little while a new one comes into use." Willie : <% What's the last word, then, pa?" Pa: "I don't know. Go and/ ask your mother." New Governess :. " Now, Tommy, sit up^ and tell me what are 'Weights and Measures.'" Tommy: "Please, Miss Jones, Waits are people who come fowling outside at Christmas-time, and Measures are what pap says he'll take to stop 'em !" .' The teacher asked, tlie- class wherein lay the difference in meaning between the words "sufficient" and "enough." " 'Sufficient,' " answered Tommy, " is when mother thinks it's time for me to stop eating pudding; 'enough' is when I think it is." O'Brien : " And so Jaykers is proUd av his descint, is he ?" M' lurk : " Yes, /he if terribly stuck-up about it." O'Brien.: " Weil, begorra, Oi've a bit av a descint nveself to boast about. Oi descinded four' storeys wanst, whin the ladder, broke, and niver sphilled a brick !" At a political meeting held recently ia a town in the east of Scotland,' the speaker was frequently interrupted in his remarks... At length, after losing patience, he looked. at his interrupter, and said: "One foolafc a time, gentlemen, please." "You- gang on then, maister," came the reply.'