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Star (Christchurch), Issue 7506, 13 September 1902, Page 3

♦ I A protectionist may be defined as a person who believes in outlets for trade, but no inlets. " Oh, mamma !" said Willie, when he saw) the crescent woon t " the main in the moon* has turned it into a hammock." | Visitor: "And you never had any remorse for yonr misdeeds?" Convict: "1 did, ma'am ; but I managed to live it down." Teacher: "What is that which pervadeall space, which no wall, or door,, or other substance can shut out?" Johnnie Sharps (a flat-dweller) : " The smell of onions,, miss." •Mamma: "Bessie, why don't you wash, the dishes. It is easier to do a thing than, to sit and think about it" Bessie : *" Well, mamma, you wash ihe dishes and I'll sit and think about it." " Why are you crying, little boy?" " One of them artists paid me a penny to sit on the fence while he sketched me."' " Well, is there any harm in that?" "Yes, sir j it was a barb-wire fence." Fare : "What's the legal fare, cabby?'' . Gabby: "The miser's legal fare is. a shil. lin', the mean man's fare is one-an-three-and the gentleman's fare is one-an'-six» (Aggressively.) Now, which are you, guvnor?" "• ■ Two Irishmen were arguing who was the cleveser. "Well," said Pat, "TU bet yoa can't tell me what 'keeps bricks together." "Shure," said Makej." itf s mortar," "No,", said Pat, "you are wrong ; that keeps them apart." " Is your father at home?" asked a caller. "What is your name, please?" inquire^ the little girl. " Just tell him it is lus ol* friend, BilL" " Then he ain't c* home. I heard him tell mamma if any bill came ba wasn't at home." Casey : " Did ye hear about poor Flan* nery ?" Cassidy : " Soraa a word." Casey y "Shure, the bie stame-haanmer in the 'foundry dropped on his chest and killed him." Cassidy • "Well, Oi'm not surprised; for he always had a wake chest." " Tourist (after unusuaUyJong stoppage at) small Border station) i "Fsay, gnudl, wiiA aren't we going on? Anything* ' wrongF* Guard (oomplaoently engaged upon an a_J fresco lunch): "There's naething wrong,., sir; but I oanna whistle the poo; m*\ mouth's fou'o' biscuit 1" -f Jinks: "Johnson wants to borrow £19 from me. Do you thinly he is good for thai amount?" Bides j "Yes, with proper' securities." " What securities would you sug. gest?" "^A chain and padlock, a pair of handcuffs, * and a dog. That would bf enough, I think, to hold him." Ticket collector , (to passenger in first* class carriage with second-class ticket) :j " Your ticket is second-class, sir. You musil . pay the difference." Passenger : " Thei second-class carriages were fnU." Collector %• " Yes, but there was plenty of room thirdclass." Passenger: "Quite so. Pay ma the difference, and TB. change." Bridget, reading : " Just, fancy," exclaimed Bridget, " accordin' to this, whin a man loses wan ay 'is sinses another gits mors developed. For instance, a bloind man gits more sinse ay hearin* aa' touch an'"-r "Shure, an' it's quito thrue," exclaimed Pat. "Oi've noticed it mesself. Whin | mon has wan leg ' Shorter than the other, the . other's longer." *y j> The following curious advertisement ip copied from an old number of the "Connecticut Courant," published at Hartfordu U.S.A., in August, 1853:— Julia, my wife, has grown) quite rode. She waa left me in a lonesome mood; . She has left my hoard, She haa took my bed She has gave away my anealt and bread; % She baa left me in spite of friends sad <£tu-hy* She has oarried worth her ell my shirts. Now ye who xeaid <tfhis paper, Srinoe aha cut this reckless caper, I will not nay one single {notion, For any debts ot her contraction.