FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 7417, 31 May 1902, Page 3

FUN AND FANCY.

A country doctor web once riding over t> wild stretch of down, and asked the lonely shepherd jbow he managed to get medical assistance for his wife in the isolated cottage where they lived. "Well, sir," replied . the shepherd, in all good faith, " we dwun't ha' no docter ; we just dies a nat'ral deaths* A little girl, on being shown the new stamps, looked thoughtfully at the effigy of the King, and then said : " Mamma, h the King sent his collar to the wash?" The remark, which would have delighted Lewis Carroll, expresses exactly the impression the bare neck of the King has made on many people. Recently a man who had an impediment in his speech went into a chemist's shop in the country for some Ipecacuanha wine. At the counter stood the errand boy, who was utilising his spare time by tying up packets of salts. Customer (to. chemist) : "I w-r-ant some ip— rip— ip — ip — ip " Errand Boy: "Hurrah?" "Papa, what is a conflagration?'' "A . great fire, my boy." " And what name would you give to a small fire, then ?" ;< A small fire? I cannot think fust now of any special word. You might call ib an incipient fire, or a fire of little moment." " WeE,.papa, I have jhst noticed that your coat was burning at the back, and I w*» wondering whether it was a conflagration' or an incipient fire !" The register which an undergraduate signs on first entering his college does net provide much scope for humour, conscious or otherwise. He- has only to give his name and address and the name and 1 statw of his father. There is, however, a story told of a more than usually guileless freshman who inserted in the column headed " Description of father," the terse and sentence, "Old man- with white whißkwi^" " Mamma," remarked a bright little chap of about four years of age the other evening as bed-time approached, "may I sit up a little later- to-night?" "What for, my boy?" inquired- his mother, somewhat «orprised at so unusual a request. " Why,** replied the young hopeful, promipwj^ " nurse told the people next door -that it was as good as a pantomime to see you and <papa after I have jone to bed, and I should like to see. you just once." GREAT READERS. Two Irishmen were discussing the various ' books they had read; . "K. '; ; "Have you read 'The Eternal City'?" "I nave." " Have you read Marie CorelK's worksT* "I have that." ■ ' " Have you read ' Looking Backwards ' V "How the divil could I do that?" _ — — \ JOHNNY LED OFF. Mamma was servine the jam pnddinc?. "Johnny, will you take a little pudding 7" ' Johnny : " Yes ; will you give me the ends, please?" ' Mamma: "But why do you wish to have the' ends, Johnny?" • Johnny: " Whr, when I was in the kitchen I heard Mary say to cook, 'Put a good lot of jam in the ends, cook, because, you know, the ends are always left for us." .'■"■■■ ' : - - HE WAS ONLY ONE. ' . A soldier who had just enlisted wa*. placed on guard .over a cannon. It was not lone before he abandoned his post and wen* to a' tavern not far off. where he indulged in the flowing bowl. "Fellow, why did you abandon your* post?" exclaimed the captain, who happened* to put in an appearance. "Captain," was the raeply»6f the incipient son of Mars, "I've tried 1 to liftjthat cannon, and I'm satisfied: no one can carry in away, and if more than one of the enemy comes after it I can't keep them off." THE HEIGHT OF LAZINESS. ". There was once a club formed of lazymen. Fines were inflicted on those who ever for-get themselves so far as to do anything in haste. One day several members saw an old doctor who was renowned for his laziness drive past the. door of the club at a furious rate, and loudly they chuckled at the thought of fining him. But on ap/ plying to him on 'the ground of his having 'been in such a hurry, the doctor slowly replied : " No, I wasn't in a hurry ; but my mare wanted to go fast, and I was too lazy to stop her." ; A THACKERAY STORY. ': , To the Thackeray stories a delightful addition has been unearthed by %ne "Neiir York Musical Courier." The novelist once paid a somewhat early call on n young and -brilliant lady of rather Bohemian tastes. The servant, going upstairs to announce him, met her mistress half-way and informed her that Mr Thackeray wished to see her. «Oh! d— — n Thackeray!" said the young lady, who was occupied with other .things. ; . • * "No, no!" cried the novelist, who over- „ heard the remark. " Not Misther O'Dam { Thackeray, Mr Makepeace Thackeray." ' The lady consented to see him. JOSH BILLINGS. "Josh Billings' Comic Aliminax," which lived from 1870 to 1879, jras in its time the most popular comic publication in America, and millions of copies were sold. The author, less well known as Henry W. Sbaw than by bis pseudonym, was a natural humorist, dad as such holds rank among the foremost fun-makers of our literature. His "Allminax" has been out of print for some time, but recently the G. W. Dilling- . ham and Co., New York, have brought itout in book form. A -few samples of Mr Shaw's phgosophic humour, in his own style of- phonetic spelling, are gleaned from its pages: ' • • ■ . -■■ Ekonemy is the art of alwuss gitting the worth of your money and the right change bak, and it is also the art of making tea cents go as far as a shilling. It is like -an ear for musik j it has got to be born the time you are 'or not at .all. Diogoneze hunted in the da time for an honest man, with a lantern ; if he had lived in these times he would /hay needed the hett lite of a locomotiff. A man with a very small head w like .a pin without enny, very apt tew get into things beyond bis depth. ; Falling in luy is like falling into molassis, sweet, but dreadful dobby. „ Suckcess is quite often like falling opH from a log ; a man kant alwuss tell how he kum to do it. ' _ Self-made men are aiwuss apt tew bea ieetle too proud, ov the job. There ain't nothing that is a sure kure for laziness, but I have known a seckoud wife tew hurry it some. Thar is no kure for vanity. Gittang thoroughly wet kums the neerest to it for the time being. . t . ■/■ Few enjoy a good reputashun, giv pub* lickly and steal privately. If a man ain't got a well balanced head i like to see him part his hair in the middle. Piety is like beans; it seems tew do the best on a poor sile. Opinions are like other kinds of vegetables—worth just what they will fetch. A good karacter is alwuss gained ,bi inches, but is often lost in one chunk. Those persons who spend all their tim« watching their simptoms are the kind who enjoy poor health. I love to see an old person joyful, but not kickupheelsful. | There is no man so poor but what te kan afford to keep one dog, and I have seen them so poor that they p ould afford to keep three. Tricing tew define luv is like tnemg tew tell how you kum tew brake thru the ica all yu know about it is that yu fell i iv. ' Gravity is no more positiff evidence of wisdom than a paper collar is of a shirt; Yn kant hire a man to be honest ; if yu do, he will want his wages raised every morning. Faith is the right bower of hope. i...-n ■ want for faith there would be no living in i this world; we couldn't eat hash with [ enny safely.