FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 7293, 4 January 1902, Page 3

FUN AND FANCY.

The poor man. must go out and weather the storm, while the rich man can stay atf home and storm at the weather. 'ow 'Enery's boy 'as got -wounded in the Transvaal." Mrs Gmnmins: "Lor' a mussy me! And what part of f im might that be?" " Poverty's no crime," said the Job's comforter. " Maybe not," replied the poor man; "but it seems to be punishable by, hard labour for life." She : Jt I heard that you said I reminded you of the North Pole. Don't try to deny it." He: "Of course, I did; you are so sought after, you know." Mother : " I wonder how this new book got in such a terrible condition?" Little Max: "I heard papa say it was too dry for ' him, so I poured water on it." { "We are told to cast our bread upon tkdwaters," said a young wife. "But don't you do it," said her husband. "A vessel might run against it and get wrecked!" - Excited Gentleman: : " Why don't you interfere to stop that dog fight?" Boy: "I was just going toy .sir; but you can calm yer fears now. My dog is on. top at last, sir" " ' >. " There are many things in this world t6 which we must shut our eyes," said thai paternal Gibson. "Yes, pa, and soap i« one of them," chimed in the pride of the family. . '. j Young Lady (kindly) :' "I hope yod brush your teeth regularly, Maggie ?'•< Maggie (indignantly): "Brush me. teeth?. Wot would I do that fer? There ain't no hair on me teeth." AN ACCIDENT. "Why, Johnny, you've got a big lump oou your head. Have you been fighting again? l*"Fightin'? Not me!" ; " But someibody struck you?"- --" Nobody struck me. I wuztft fightin' a£ all. It was an accident." " An accident?" " Ye 3! , I was sitting on Tommy Brown.** head, and I forgot to hold his feet I" A CUTTING BEBUKE. Once when, the King had been dining wittf one of the less wealthy of the nobility, h^ wa> just about to take a cigar from the box on the table, when a certain, millionaire, noted, alike for his pompous airs and hia extravagance in cigars, ostentatiously offers ed his case to the King, with the remark that he thought " one oifi " these **■ would be more appreciated. "Sir," said his Majesty, "if a man's dinner is good enough for me to eat, his cigar* ' are good enough for me to smoke." NOT THAT KIND. A touching story is told of a private soldier who had just recovered from. • severe wound.' FeeJaing iB and very homesick, he went to headquarters to obtain leave of absence. Said lie, in a most dejected manner— "l (haven't seen my wife for more than a year." "Why," answered *het General, "I haven't seen my wife for nearly two years." "Well," said the soldier, "that maybe/ sir, but me and my wife 'ain't them kind'!" The furlough .was granted. HE DIDN'T ACCEPT. Mr Penley z of "Charley's Aunt" fame* was spending, a holiday last yearm-a Yorkshire village, and was sitting one evening! in bis room at the inn, when three burly Yorkshiremen walked in. . ' " Thou'rt a play actor, cV mister?" eaidl one. ■•■..-. Mr P«»ley thought ihe was. "Well," said the yokel 2 "we'rd getting a -bit of a concert up to-neet,. an' as thou'rt a bit o' a play actor fra Lundoa we thowt as- it would be pleasant like if tha'dgie us « clog-dance an.' a comic or two. Tlhere's nowt to pay for beer or 'bacca, and! tha con drink till tha'rt ill, lad, i£ tha likes!" DIDN'T TAKE MUCH SHIFTING. Not long ago a great stir was caused in a little North' of Scotland village by a report that geld had been discovered in a neighbouring mountain spur, and the tale grew till it was declared that the whole place was a perfect mass of the precious xnetaL . ' S . . Two of the t (mofft r fcflaientiaLvfllagert hi«d off with a cart to fetch back the spoils. In. due course they arrived, to be prompt* ly interviewed in the village pub. " Hoo did ye get on?" was the query that came from all sides. " Oh, we found a fcit,** -was the modesffi reply. " ~ " Good," exclaimed Bonifacei, . v furQseif jT "and hoo muckle d'ye" reckon itfll fetch- ' Tarn?" "WelL maai, I canmai jteb Bay. Ye see M Sandy, my mate there, happened to sneezer at the time, and we never saw! the bit' again." CANDID. TTniversity sermons hare a special •chte . racter of their own, ajod if any here ever heard one of the ordinary productions of the pulpit in Si Mary's Church, Cambridge, they will readily (says the "Liverpool Post ") appreciate the following story, which Bishop Blomfield used to be fond of relating. The Bishop went one day down- to bis old 'Varsity, and saw at the church an did verger whom he remembered as occupying the same position in his own undergraduate days. The Bishop told the man he was pleased to see him looking co well, especially as he must have reached a considerable age. "Oh, yes, my lord,'* repdled the old verger, "I have much to be thankful for. I have heard every sermon preached in this church for the kst fifty years, and, thank God, I am a Christian still." MAKE THEM DO. A certain Scottish minister in a remote part of the Highlands was recently, in an address to his congregation, speaking at length of the tilings around us that are 6hrouded in mystery, and of which we know - so little. • As he warmed to his subject he became - quite eloquent, and frequently repeated the oft-quoted expression of Goethe, "More light! oh, for more light!" His surprise may be imagined when, after one of these utterances, the old beadle,, who had been quietly dozing since the commencement of the sermon, awoke with a start, then got up, tip-toed softly to the' vestry, seized two additional candles, and, ascending the pulpit stairs, placed^them: be-,, side the two already there, and, in a loud whisper, "heard all over the kirk, remarked — ■ "Ye maun mak* dae wi' these, for there's nae mair." SPHMTS ! " Who's there?" shouted the maeten of the . bouse the other might as. he thought he' heard somebody in his bedroom!. There was no answer, and the queer aoiae stopped. "Anybody there?" No answer. "It must have been a spirit?" !he said to himself. "It must be a medium. 'I wfll try." (Aloud) :. "If there is a spirit in the room, it will signify the same by saying a y e — no, that's oofc what I mean. If there-, is a spirit in the room, it will please rap three times." Three very distinct raps were given iv the direction of the bureau. " Is it the spirit of my sister?" No answer. "Is it the spirit of my mother?" Three very distinct raps. "Are you happy?" Nine <raps. "Do you want anything?" A succession: of very loud raips. " Will you give me any communication if I get up?" No answer. ■ "Shall I hear •firom you to-morrow?" Baps very loud in the direction of the door. " Shall I ever see you?" He waited long for an answer, but none came, and !he turned over and fell asleep. Next morning ihe found the spirit of hia ~ mother had carried 1 off his watch »nd purse, ' his trousers, and 1 his great-coat downstairs lin the hall. ; '