CONTORTED CABLES.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 7232, 19 October 1901, Page 1

CONTORTED CABLES.

Ludicrous Slunders in Su'omarino Telegrams. (PnlllTatl Gazette.) Many a laugh — a-nd unfortunately many a tear — has been caused by 'the blunder i:i a telegram, but screamingly funny have been the mistakes made witii cablegrams that •have come under the Avriter's notice. Justas the message by land telegraph is *sometimes termed' -a "wire," so the enigmatic words send by cabtegra-ph are called "cables," and it is with these twisted into ludicrous shapes this article deals. . It must be understood that " cables " are very expensive luxuries. Those sent to Australia cost four or five shillings- a word, and- every word has to be paid for. It will, therefore, be realised that the correspondent in London- cabling to his paper at the Antipodes strains ia every way to economise. More especially as in ail the leading papers of the new Commonwealth there are columns of interesting cablegrams daily about matter.? occu-rring in England and on the Continent. Of course, only " skeletons " have been cabled, and these have been expanded and " dressed-up " before publication) in order that they may be understood by our Australian kin. It is in this " dressing-up " mere frenuently that tie MOST .yjAZIXG UITT.VCER3 ABB MADE. The King's horse Diamond Jubilee lastyear won the race for the Two Thousand Guineas, but in 1889 Entliueiast was first, and the placed 'horses were cabled to Australia thus in "skeleton": — "Tiro Thousand, Enthusiast, Done-van. Pioneer." But there were no commas cabled, as they would have to be paid for.; so one of the Queensland papers "expanded " the message into this peculiar shape: — "Two thousand enthusiasts met to-day to welcome Mr Donovan, the celebrated pioneer." Doubtless by the next mail t-he^ London representative got a nice wigging for sending suCh an. uninteresting item 13,000 to 14,000 miles by cable. Some little time ago a connection of our Royal' Court died on the Continent. A day later a Victorian^ bookmaker on a visit} here also suddenly demised.' The two cabled items " blurred," and this was what the inhabitants of Bundaberg read in their local daily: — "London, Thursday.— The death is announced ft Alfred Josephs of apoplexy at the Hotel -. At the Queen's instance the interment. of_ the body at Cohurg has been postponed from Friday to Saturday. The Kaiser, Prince of Wales, -afld the Duke of Connaught will attend. The body lies an state at St Sloritz' Church." Great honour indeed for tho Australian bet tin sr-ma.n 1 The next blunder occurred between Soudan arid London. It was in 1885 that news was sent through Cairo that the FuzzyWuzzies (Kipling has ammcrtalised them) had been beating the Niagaras (i.e., wardrnms) vigorously for son\e days, and thait trouble was expected. However, the War Office were informed that " that fierce and formidable tribs the Nagaras have been continually beaten during the last few days. 1 ' NO WONDER, WHEX THET COULDN'T . HIT HACK. The diverse decipherings by several papers in the same cablegram syndicate of the same " skeleton " strike one harder than ever in the region where laughter is located. Here are the manners in which the one cable was contorted by three New Zealand papers some time ago. Number One published :— " The Italians have kidnapped two 3?rinces who are closely related to Menelek, ruler of Abyssinia, and who were travelling in Italy for their education." Number Two served up a juicier, though smaller, joint : — "Italian agents in Abyssinia are reported in bavft successfully kidnapped Kins Menelek, the ruler of the country." Though Italy was then at war with Abyssinia, such a manner of warfare could hardly be justified ; but newspaper Number Three completed the farce in subdued terms : — " Mr Menelick (sic), who is travelling in Italy for educational purposes, has disappeared, and it is reported that an Italian agent has kidnapped him." This may be said to have mene-licked the lot, for what the real message was about the public never learned. i Turning to the national game of cricket, i which has done more to knit England and Australia together than all the efforts of diplomacy, the eagerness of a cable " dress-er-up" in Melbourne once led to a funny blunder. A " skeleton " was cabled from London that " Stoddart had completed his team (for the Australian tour), but critics considered he would find the need of batters before the end of the season." That tin-cricket-like word " batters " caused all the worry which the use of the right word " batsmen " would have avoided. The " dresser-up " had never heard of " Batters," but were his readers to be deprived of information concerning Mr Batters because of his ignorance? Perish the thought ; and the usual explanatory note to the cablegram stated firmly, " Batters is one of the best county men of the year. He is at the head of the English averages," etc. When Stoddart's team were later defeated in the test matches, English exiles, long absent from the " dear homeland," in many a fierce argument would contend that things would have been very different HAD " BATTERS " O.VLY ACCOMPANIED THE TEAM. A cargo of tea is said to have lost the United States to Great Britain, so a " contorted " cable in the long years ago put a severe strain on the '"painter" which attached the smart skiff Australia to the barque Britain. A Sydney paper published a cablegram from London that " the Admiralty has announced that the war-ship Pearl is considered good enough for the Australian station." The insulted "Cornstalks' " blood fired up to fever heat, and a meeting of the Cabinet was hurriedly summoned, and defiant messages were drafted for the Mr Chamberlain of that time. Fortunately, before it was too late, it was discovered that cable should read, " The Admiralty are sending the warship Pearl, Commodore Goodenough, to the Australian station." The ill-fated Goodenough arrived, became universally popular, but a few years later was murdered in the South j Sea Islands in an attack^by cannibal savages on his ship's boats. i When the Rontgen rays were first attract- [ ing attention, a cablegram was sent to ! New Zealand that " gallstones, stones in (he i bladder, etc./' were plainly rendered iri.^ble, The full message published* however, rci.d : • — " Doctors are using Rimtgon's discovery with astounding results. Mr Gladstone's stones, in the bladder und injuries to the bones ore easily saen. ' It is said that when this was brought by a colonial Agent-Gene-ral under the notice of the Grand Old Man. he laughed long and heartily^