FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 6090, 29 January 1898, Page 4

FUN AND FANCY.

Synonym for a Waiter. — " A plate* layer." Accustomed to eat their food by the peck. — Canaries. What did the spider do when he came out of the ark P— He took a fly and went home. Suggested as a Seasonable Eace for Licensed Victuallers. — A Pint-to-Pint Steeplechase. " Charlie, your father is calling you." "Yes, I hear him. But he is. calling Charlie. I don't need to go till he yells 'Chawles.' 1 ' " Come, dear, kiss my cheek and make Ms up." she said, forgivingly. " ITI loss It," he answered, " but I don't think it wants any more making up." Atkinson: " Come f home and break bread with me to-night, old fellow." Brown: " Then your wife insists on doing her own baking, does she P So does mine !" She: "The latest poetess, is she P Well, she looks like a problem in Euclid — all corners and straight lines." He : "I think she's like my last day's flshing-r-all angle and no catch." Glanders : "It is said that paper can be used effectively in keeping a peraon warm." Gazlay : <'That is very true. I remember a thirty-day note of mine once kept me in a sweat for a month." "loried all day yesterday." "What for." "It was our wedding anniversary, and Henry said: 'It seems to me that something awful occurred ten years ago to-day, but I can't remember what it was.' " Minister, to elderly female crofter: "I am sorry to hear your potatoes are very bad this year, Janet." '"Deed they are, sir ; but I've reason to be thankful to Providence that other folk are as badly off as mysel'." Doctor: "Your digestion is utterly ruined. You must have lived very immoderately." Patient: "Good gracious, no! But my three daughters have been attending cookery-classes for the last twelve months." Proprietor: "Does the new clerk seem to know anything about book-keeping P" Head Book-keeper : '' Nothing at all, sir; but then you must remember he has never done anything before but teach doable entry in a commercial college." * 'Willie Smith was playing with the Jones boys. His mother called him. "Willie, don't you know those are bad boys for you to play with ?" "Yes, mother," said Willie, "1 know thai* bufc then I am a good boy for them to play with." "You needn't tell mci" said the merchant, as the olerk entered the office, "that you went to your grandmother's funeral yesterday afternoon. I was\ there myself. Your grief, was particularly violent when the run home which won the ( game for the other side was knocked out." A Hearty Welcome. — Mrs Smythe : " Why, lam so glad you've come. I had a presentiment all the afternoon that you would look in this evening." Mrs Brown : "Indeed! Why should you have thought that." Mrs Smythe : " Because whenever Henry and I mean to spend a quiet evening at home somebody's sure to call." SHE INHERITED IT. "Yer daughter has a. beautifultouch for the piany, Mrs Mulligan," observed the visitor, with an admiring glance at the eldest Miss Mulligan, who was pounding away at a tuneless instrument like the piston-rod of a six-horsepower gas-engine. "It shows yer good dinse that ye can understand that Bame," Baict the proud mother. " There is some ill-natured people as sez that she can't play. Why, she can kape on loike that for hours togitherP Can't play indade!" " She's moighty fond of moosio, by the same token ?" "Avcoorse! And its only natural she should be. Ifs inherited. Didn't her grandfather have his head . split open wid a cornet at a temperance picnic P" THE BONE OF CONTENTION. "Dad, oan you answer a question now, or are you too busy P " asked the seven-year-old heir. "You told me always to ask you about anything I didn't know." "Quite right, my son!" Baid the fond parent. "I wish you to grow up a wise and observant man. Never be afraid of showing your ignorance, and your store of knowledge will steadily increase. What is it this time ? " "The other day I heard someone talk about the bone of contention, dad, and I should like you to tell me which part of the body it is in. Which bone is it P " "Henry, my Bon," said his father solemnly— after oasting a glance round to see if mother was in the way—" the bone of contention is the jaw-bone of a woman. Always be careful of it, Henry." Aud Henry promised he would.

PEOPLE WHO NEVER UNDRESS. "Whatever are you crying for now, Johnny?" asked his mother. "I don't see why a boy should shed tears because he has to go into a warm bed this cold weather !" "It's so cold to undress;" blubbered Johnny. " I wish I was like some people as don't have to undress. I'll join a society." " Don't be foolish ! Everybody has to undress to go to bed. You can't join a society to escape undressing. You don't want to be a Bavage, do you ?" „ " You can join a society where you don't have to undresß sometimes," persisted Johnny. " I Bhould like to hear about that society," observed his mother, amused. " I don't know any member of it." " Yes, you do," whimpered the boy. " Every time dad goes to the lodge he gets into bed without undressing, 'cos I've seed him in the morning." He had to Bleep in the dark as a punishment.