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Star (Christchurch), Issue 5961, 28 August 1897, Page 4

When a man considers himself as " one in a thousand," he naturally regards the others as ciphers. "Uncle Bob, what is a pedestrian P" "Why, he's the fellow who makes a row when a bicycle runs over him." Lazy Californian bar-tenderg place the ingredients of a drink in a tumbler, and then wait for an earthquake to mix them up. " I saw a man to-day who had no hands play the piano." " That's nothing ! We're got a girl down in our street who has no voice and who singß." " Who is that young fellow P " « That's Jim Dowling, better known as ' Cannibal,' " • "Why cannibal?" "Hit* father iB a retired missionary, and Jim lives on him." Uncle: "Bobby, I suppose you've been a good little boy?" Bobby : " No, I havenV Uncle : " Why, I hope you havent been very bad." Bobby: "Oh, no j -jnst comfortable." 'Arry : " Wot kind of people do you have down here in the season?" Old Salt: " Well, sir, all kinds ; some werry common, some real gents an' ladies, an' some like yerself , sir, y alf -an'-'alf ." A French confectioner, proud of hia English, and wishing to let biß patrons know that their wants would be attended to at once without any delay, put out the notice, " Short weights here." Mr Hooligan : " Shure, 'tis a moigWy convenient arrangement living in waa apartment, Mrs Finucane. Woi, whinOi want to go from the dhrawing-room to the shtudio or the kitchen, di just stay where Oi am." There are 250,000 m-.;.-.-, .;- uk, jJnf-;.; language, and most of . :..-?m -,vn*o aisoc Sunday by a woman wi. >■_»*■•.■-.-.-■»'■.:_ .> . coming out of church ■. ■: ■■>{. bet hre: . .-,-..-■ hat was adorned with a i t -g\ --jr. •• written, "Reduced to 6s Vii-n Photographer (to Bitten - * vjv. yo<; at church las,t Sundav 7 A ..! KuVfc*7 Sitter : " Oh, did you P J I'h^.^phw* ; " Yes ; and also your fries ... Mise Brown. (If you oould raise yoii.- chin a tvifto. Thanks.) And what an r-ifroiionn- loohing hat she had on," (After . .li;i •*■ " Ts\&7 Miss Skeate, it is over, ■•■> - 'Avmk v^fi have caught a very : :! -.. :..;ir • •■Apws--sion." An Irishman in Frai p:- '>li;;lt?\,^>?d by a Frenchman to figh - a 7- •;., y vhich he readily consented, e.r7 v-:*-.^.^ ;■••».■ i shillelaghs. "That won't <':o ! ' --!'-u j. r : t;h<; Second. "As the chV! •:•££'><. w-. ■■■■*. *• ■.-■■_ have the right to cho.^o i;>». -.'^wi- l.y t , chivalry demands that youbhouic. decide npon a weapon with whioh Frenchmen' are familiar." "Is that so ? " returned the Irishman, "Then we'll fight wid guillotines." A quick retort is credited to a young author whose tongue iB as ready as hip pen. Not long ago, as he was walking witii a friend, a man came up behind him and gave him a resounding slap on the shoulder. The writer turned a surprised faoe toward the new-comer, who said, " Look here, you must remember me! Now don't youP" " I can't say that I remember your faoe " returned the young author gravely, "bnfc your manner is certainly familiar."