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Star (Christchurch), Issue 5656, 29 August 1896, Page 6

" Stick to me and you'll get yourself in a box," was what. the envelope remarked to the postage stamp. "She: "Whisky has killed more men than bullets ever did." He: "Guess I'd rather be full of whisky than f nil of bullets." Dudely: "What are you going to be when you are grown up, Bobby ? " Bobby : " I'm going to be a man. What are you going to be ? " She: "YouVe had that suit but two weeks, and yet it looks as if you had been sleeping in it." He: "I have. 1 -wore it to church last Sunday." Prison Inspecter : "That man over there seems to positively enjoy the treadmill" Warder: "Yes, sir. 'E's used to the haction. He was a bicycle thief." "Pa, does Mr Smiler burn candles at his house ?" " No, my dear j why do you ask ?" " Why, I heard him say the other night that you couldn't hold a candle to grandpa." " What do you think of my picture of Mephistopheles ?" said a conceited painter to a critic. " Well, I don't think the devil is as bad as he is painted," was the discriminating reply. He-. "I don't understand why some people requiro so much sleep. I can get along with four hours." She: "Oh, but you see, the body doesn't require nearly so much rest as the brain." Lady (angrily, to servant): "Mary, some silver spoons have mysteriously disappeared, and you will have to go." Servant (indignantly) : " I ain't no detective, mum. Wot's the good of sendin' me artev the spoons?" Mrs Hunnimoon: "Well, Mary, how do you hko this place ? " Mary : " Very well mum Whin Oi told some of me frinds tnot Oi was coomin' here they said Oi could never get along wid your husband ; but Oi think he's just splendid." Mr Wickwire: "How is it that Mrs Fmnegan isnt here to do the washin- ■"' Mrs Wickwire: "Her husband looked in l^f ? M> ? gh }° tell me that ' the old Jeddy had a fall and broke her bike' but he got away before I could ask him whether he meant her wheel or her spine." Earnest member of flock, horrified to meat his deacon in a state of advanced intoxication (reproachfully) : « Deacon ! Deacon!" Deacon, holding on, answers jovially: "Look here, shir — hie— d'ye think— hie— after I've shewed the Lord faithfully for thirty yearsh— hie— he'd grudge me a day off." Smile as often as you can, and get as much fun out of life as your circumstances permit, for, after all, This world of ours is not as drear As we would often take it, Nor is it half as lovely here As majiy people make it. If skies are sometimes overcast And all seems dark before us, The sunshine always comes at last And throws its splendour o'er us ! A few years-ago a contractor imdertook to widen a railway in a certain part of England, and while the men were all at work one day a serious landslip occurred. There was much confusion, and then the cry went up, " Count the men !" ' 'Never mind the men," shouted the thrifty contractor, "count the wheelbarrows !"