THE CONFESSIONS OF AN ORANGE EATER.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 5092, 27 October 1894, Page 1

THE CONFESSIONS OF AN ORANGE EATER.

i (fnglUK Paper.) Do I, like 'em P I should think I did. ' When I takes' a bit of a holiday I ctoanb ' stop eating of 'em all day. There* Bill— 1 c's iusb the same. When w» goes out to- ' gether— -well, yon could traok us doim fry ' the peel as we throws about— you could— 1 straight ! " Look 'ere 1 Bill and me 'ad a touting last Satfday. We stuffed our blessed pockets that fnll that you couldn't put , another ona in to save yer life. Then we . start* a»eatin* of 'em as we walks along , the street, droppln* the peel on the pavei ment aa we goes. People slips on it P 0' ! course they do. Why, that's naif the f an. i We could 'ear 'em slippin' and fellin* > every now and again behind us. And they ' do me bad languidge, some of *em— the i men ! "There's another josser down! " ahouts out Bill, and I turns round, and there wm come old City toff a-lyiu' on his back with a crowd around 'im. He and Bill did larf to hear the old fool groan. "Rub it in, old man 1 " sayi Bill. "It'll titoh yer to look where you're goin' next time." What's the usa of 'aving eyea, £ alwaye says, unlesayouuse'emP Borne eilly folks when they sees a bit o' orange peel on the i pavement stops and kick it out o' the way. More fools they! It only Bpoila people— that's what it does." Well, a few minutes after we sees ■ blind man a-oomin' along. "Sea 'ere." says Bill, a-dropping two or three nice bita on the ground. We stops aside to sea the fun. Blesa yer! It would a* done yar eyesight good to see 'is leg bgo in tha air, and 'is board what 'ad "Pity tha poos blind" on it go a-fiyiog through a shop , winder. The dog, he gob kiokea into tha . road, and a keb run over 'im. *' Barv* *im i right I" saye Bill. "What's the vie of a dog what can't steer yer clear of a bit o* orange peel P" The fan we'ad that day I stall navel forgit! I give yer my word. At night we , goeß to see the play. Soon as ever we gita into the gallery we pulls out the oranges. There was two young gals a-settln 1 on ona side o' me— looked like dreaamakers or something o' the sort— and they got turnin' up their little noaes and puliin' aside their frooks aB if they was afraid I should do 'em any 'arm. They fairly pnt my back up, so I bites 'arf the peel off of a nice juicy one, makeß a little 'ole, and then gives a good squeeze— accidental like —and sends a beautiful stream right across 'em, same as you might with one o' them aqirtß they calls " ladies' tormenters." They began to cry, and said as *«w Pd spoilt their beat frocks; but I told 'em "Accidents will 'appen, and if gals wears their best frocks to the the-ayter, they must expect to git 'em spoilt." Says I, "If you 'adn't made no remarks, /on wouldn't 'a' made me nervous, ana it wouldn't 'aye 'appened." When the play was over, BiU leana over the gallery rail and saye, "Look 'ere, , *Arry 1 See that old toff a-brushing of 'is 'at in the pit P'* As he saya the words, he takes a big orange what he'd just peeled and drops it, splosh ! right on the genre bald W. t thought I should V died o' larfln'. Goin' *ome, we gite into a railway carriage. There was two old ladies there, and when me and Bill begins a-snokin' onr oranges they starts a-aniffln*, and one says to the other, "I do wieh aa 'ow people wouldn't eat oranges in public" Says I, " Mann. this ain't no public but if yotrd like a drop o' something strong, youTt

wolcorae to whal'3 in thia -— •" and I offered her a email bottle, which I took out o' my pocket. Hang me, if she didn't, let fly at me and call me all the names Bhe could set 'er tongue to. So Bill he takes a pip and squeezes ib between 'is finger and thumb — Bill's wonderful clever at that trick— and it flies and 'its the old gal straight in the eye. Lor', 'owehe did jump! She s<»ys oom«>-----think struck 'er, und Hill amya, "P'r'apj 'twas a cinder, roarm." Sho btlieved it vas, and they both got out at the nexb i Btatlon. Jiat as the train was beginning to move, Bill pops 'is 'cad out o' the winder and Bees a swell runnin' along the platform to git in. Always up to 'is larks, he chucks a bit o' orange peel on tha step o* the nexb carriage—right under his feet, as yer may ' say. Tbe bloke puts 'is foot on it, and away he goes, 'cad over 'eels, right under the blessed train. They stops the injun, i but when they pickß 'im up 'e'was as dead aa a door-nail. Bill says, "If 'c ain't jiat j like a jam tart what's been trod on." Well, I tell yer straight, I was sorry that bloke had. been so careless. Ib fair spoilt my Bupper. If folks will try to get into trains when they're movin', what can they expect? Bill says: "Come and 'aye a wilk, and you'll be all right." I says : " No, Bill ; I likes a lark as well as enyone, but when a pal upsets my Btumuiick as yon'vo done, I calls it unkind." Eh P Teß, you're right. You've jiat 'it tbe right nail on the 'cad. That's what I Bin— a man with a 'cart.