FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 6350, 22 September 1888, Page 3

FUN AND FANCY.

. — e> THE IRREPRESSIBLE TOURIST. Lady : " Your clothes are very ragged. Can't I do some sewing for you ? " Tramp: " Yes, niadaru ; you may eew an overcoat on this button, if you please. It seems to feel the need of society." NO DANGER OF SLANDER. A Washington physician waa discussing his enemies in Judge Mackey's office! Among other things he said : " I know, judge, my patients never slander me nor criticise my knowledge and treatment." "No," replied th&- judge, with a sly twinkle of the eye, "dead men tell no tales." A VEGETARIAN'S JOKE. The elder Booth once took the fancy to be an absolute vegetarian, and while possessed of this idea he was travelling on a Western steamboat, and happened to be placed at a table opposite a solemn Quaker, who had been attracted by the eloquent conversation of the great actor. The benevolent old Quaker, observing the lack of viands on Booth's plate, kindly said, "Friend, shall I Hot help thee to the breast of this chicken ?" " No, I thank you, friend," replied the actor. " Then shall I not cut thee a slice of the ham ?" " No, fiiend, not any." "Then thee must take a piece of mutton ; tby plate is empty," persisted the old Quaker. "Friend," eaid Booth, in those deep stentorian tones, whose volume and power had so often electrified crowded audiences, " I never eat any flesh but human flesh, and I prefer that, raw." The old Quaker was speechless, and his seat was changed to another table at the next meal.

THE BULING PASSION. / , • Edit|f : "I am sorry to see you in thia plight, Jim, but we've done all we could tor you." Reporter (condemned to be hanged for killing an influential political tough) : "No uae crying over spilled milk or blood either I've been thinking over this thing a good while, and I believe, if we can work it right, we can persuade the sheriff to make a little mistake." "Eh ? Leave the cell door unlocked ? " " No, indeed. He'd lose his place if he did that." "What then?" . ' ""We'll get him to mislay his almanac." " What good will that do ? " " Good ? If he'll agree to hang me a day ahead of the time appointed, we'll get a beat on all the other papers." HIS SAMPLES. A Church of England clergyman who was travelling on the Continent, was exceedingly partial to a peculiarly hot kind of pickle, a bottle of which he invariably carried about v/ith hhri wherever he went. An American, who was seated next to him one day at table d'hoic, thinking theEe pickle's were for general use, began to help himself. "1 beg your pardon, sir," interrupted the clergyman, "those pickles arc mine ; bub help yourself by all means, you're quite welcome to try them." The American thanked him and tasted them. " Stranger, I gues3 you're a parson ? " "I am," responded the clergyman. (A Blight; pause.) "Stranger, do you believe in eternal punishment, everlasting fire, and all that sort of thing P " " Certainly I do. Bat . what makea you ask ? " "I kinder thought so. Well, I calculate you're the fust parson I've met who carried sampleß ; about with him." i SUDDEN CHANGE IN VALUES. j " Where are you going with the puppies, my little man ?" asked a gentleman of! a small boy whom he met with three puppies | in a basket. " Goin' to drown them," was the reply. " I want a pup for my little boy to play with. What do you say to letting me take one of them ?" " I'll sell you one," spoke up the young- j ster with American enterprise. "I'll sell you this yaller one for fifty cents, the black one for seventy-five cents, and the spotted one is worth one dollar of any man's money." " I think my little boy would like the spotted one best, but you ask too much for it. You had intended drowning all of them, but I'll give you twenty-five cents and save you the trouble of drowning the spotted one." "Twenty-five centa for that spotted purp I" exclaimed the boy. " i can't etand it ; taxes ia high ; rent is high. It costs good money to go into the roller rink. Oh, no 5 I can't take lesa than one do!.. " But you intend to drown " "Tako the black one at eeventy-five cents." "My little boy wouldn't like the black one." " Take the yaller one at half: a dollar. He's dirt cheap." " My little boy wouldn't like his colour." "Well, then, you'd better tell your little boy to play with his toes," and he continued toward the river. " No parly can dead beat his svay on me these hard times." For Ladies Only. A LADY'S ACQUIESCENCE. Mr Featherly: "What beautiful teeth Misi Smith has!" Miss Sharptongue .- "Yes, I think thia set much prettier than her other." BUT STILL A WOMAN. At a station down in Indiana the Lake Shore Company employs a lady ticket agent. She is a good agent, and attends closely to her business, but she is a woman still. The other day a lady traveller stepped up to the ticket window and inquired about a ' train that was a little late. j " Will the train be long?" Ehe asked, meaning if it would be lonar in arriving. "Oh, yes," was the reply of the fair ticket agent, "longer than last3ea/s-*i, but without so many ruffles around the 9%«.** THE BOSS FATHER. V.'hat is your father, Nellie M'CHueP My father's a furrier, sir, to you. - And what is your father, Besay Mfinadftf My father's a plumber, sir, she said. And youra, little girl, with the golden hair ? Me fadder mates chocolate candies, sax* "What is your father, Mary O'Neill ? He deals in the market, sir, in vesL Now, Sarah Mulligan, why bo mute P You're the gentlest girl iv the nistitata. What does your father ? Surely, doar, He must be a handsome muleteer. Me fudder'n at home in his little bed, He's a middle-weight champion, Sarah said. OUR VILLAGE INDUSTRIAL COMPETITION. Husband (just home from the City) : "My angel !— Crying !— Whatever's the matter ?" Wife : " They've—awarded me — prize medal" — (sobbing) — "£' my sponge cake !" Husband (soothingly): "And l'm quite sureib deserv " Wife (hysterically): "Oh— but— 't said — 'twas— for the best specimen— o' concrete 1"