MR AND MRS SPOOPENDYKE.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 4792, 8 September 1883, Page 4

MR AND MRS SPOOPENDYKE.

- — ♦ " Say, my clear," whispered Mr Spoopendyke, closing the door oarefuUy and approaohing his wife with a broad grin on his visage. " Say, my dear, Speckle wottle's down stairs in the parlour. He has oome to take dinner with us !" "Great gracious!" exolaimed Mrs Spoopendyke, dropping her work and bustling Up to the glass to arrange her hair. " What did he come to-day for t Don't he know it's wash day?" "He oame for dinner !" retorted Mr Spoopendyke, turning pale around the lips. " What d'ye s'pose he oame for— to be washed. What's wash day got to do with it ? Think the man can be soaked in a tub and hung over the clothes line with a measly wooden pin astride the small of his back P Well, he didn't ; he came for grub, and you want to hustle around and get it pretty lively for him, or I'll begin to servo up things myßelf before long!" "But, my dear," remonstrated Mrs Spoopendpke, " there's nothing in the house ! The olothes — " " Then serve up the clothes 1 " roared Mr •Jpoopetidyke, who had utterly forgotten the day of the week when he invited his friend, and now wantod his wife to get out of the sorape somehow, and at the same time not let him down with Speoklewottle. "Just put the olothes on a platter and set 'em before him ! " " You don't imagine he would want to eat the olothes, do you ?" asked Mrs Spoopendyke. innooently. " J*Hst try him !" yelled Mr Bpoopendyke enraged at the idea of being taken literally. " Just try him and Bling in some of the natural grace you always put on at the table ! 'Mr Speoklewottle, have some of tbis fricasied. petticoat ?' " and Mr Spoopendyke held out the legs of his trousers as a woman holds her skirts and waltzed around the room. "' Mr Speoklewottle, havo a little of this poached nightshirt ? Now, Mr Speckle* wot tie, do try one of those fried socks, and a slice of the pillow sham ? Dear Mr Speoklewottle, pray let me help you to a piece of this shirt and a pair of stuffed cuffs ! I made them myself, and though they are not'as good as—' that's the nay to do it. !" oontinued Mr Spoopendyke, suddonly concluding his remarks with a war whoop, and presenting himself before his wife all out of breath. " Think you've got that bill of fare all right P Sco your way to a suooessful dinner party now ?" "There's some oold shad, down stairs, and I think there is a raw ham in the cellar," ruminated Mrs Spoopendyke, regarding her husband with a startled look of enquiry, as if asking if he thought Speoklewottle would mind the meat being raw and the fish a trifle cold. "That's what he wants!" howled Mr Spoopendyke. "Bring' forth the shad that froze to death in the house of Spoopendyke . Produce the ham with a orumpled horn that milked the shad that froze to death in the house of Spoopendyke ! Develop the measly banquet and let joy be unoonflned ! Ain't ye got any mora sense than a bung hole ? Think I'm going to bring the aristocracy here to fatten on dead fieh and live hogs ? How long are you going to let that man sit down stairs in a state of starvation ? Where's that roast beef I brought borne the other day ?" " I think we ate that all up t])e day it oame home," Bighed Mrs Spoopendyke. "Do you mean that roast with the queer little sticks in it ?" " The same," replied Mr Spoopendyke, nerving himself for another ordeal. . " Did we eat the stioks ? Am Ito understand that there is not one little dodgasted stock left of all that affluent luxurioußness ? Lift the impenetrable veil of obsourity off the secluded bower of the shrinking stioks," he yelled, as it dawned on him that Bpeoklewotlle was in the parlour waiting to be fed, and that the sooial problem was no nearer solution than when he started. Let us unravel the mystery that hangs like a pall over the fate of the unhappy stioks, that thoy may oome forth and fructify Speoklewottle," and in the excess of his emotion Mr Spoopendyke gasped for breath, and resting his hands on his knees, looked as if he were inviting his wife to a little' gam of leapfrog. " There's some lettuce in the house, and bought some strawberries to-day, and I could oook the steak I had saved over for breakfast," murmured Mrß Spoopendyke, ooming out triumphantly at the end, womanlike. " And I will pnt on my new wine ooloured satin, and we will give him a nioe supper." "Going to put that wine-coloured satin in the shad or the ham?" howled Mr Spoopendyke, who had a man's idea that a dinner is not a dinner until it is roasted. " Think I brought that man here at 6 o'olook in the afternoon to take breakfast? Got come kind of a notion that cold fish, raw ham, wormy lettuoe, green strawberries, and a fried cow are going to satisfy the cravings of a man who has juat won a bet of a dinner on — -," but here Mr Spoopendyke stopped short. The last revelation was unintentional. " Was it a bet, dear ? " asked Mrs Spoopendyke, opening her eyes in astonishment. " I I had known that and you had given me time, I would have had a nico supper for you. I really think " "That settles it," squealed Mr Spoopendyke, mad at himself for what he had divulged and angrier still as he must explain to Speoklewottle how he was fixed. " When you commence to think the free list is entirely suspended. Some day when I catoh you thinking I'm going to drive a spigot in your head and advertise soienoe'on tap ; book Boience a dime extra; free lunch from 11 toi!" And with this prospectus Mr Spoopendyke dashed down stairs and explained to Mr Speoklewottle that, owing to Mrs Spoopendyke having a severe headaohe, they had better postpone the dinner or go to a restaurant.