MR SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS ON GLORIOUS WAR.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 749, 17 October 1870, Page 4

MR SPROUTS HIS OPINIONS ON GLORIOUS WAR.

■» [The outbreak of the war between Austria and Prussia drew general attention to the evils of the continental military systems.] I've often wondered what sort of paste they uses to keep sum things in the univarse together. When our chany punch-boal went to glory, a artist set it all to rights agin with a few rivits and a lot of stickey stuff as made the varus bits grappP one another to their harts as tight as two-day-old frends ; but when I arsked what the mixter was, he giv a very superfishal kind o' wink, and sed it j was a sekret of the trade granted to the chiny ] jiners by a charter from Edward the Professor, and could not be dibulged. " Very well," says I, " then don't dibulge it;" and there the matter ended. Since that time I've thawt both long and dieply on the varus kinds of pastes; for it isn't only chiny puncb-boals, you'll obsarve, that is held together in this heer kind o' way. Look at the Chinee popilation theirselves, and the poor rag-tag and bob-tail kreeturs that pretends to govern 'em. It must be summut stronger than flour and water that makes that p pilation stick together to be trampled on and sawn to pieces, not to speak o' being sumtimes roastid in the way it do. (" Riz up, yer Goths, and lite yer fires."— Extrack from a Fragment). Also, it's wonderful kind o' birdlime that binds people into societies for shirt-buildin' at eightpenceha'penny a-day. I've heerd sey that even gold-dust has to be melted in the likvid that holds our grate constitootional party together; which I can well beleeve, for yew can bind all sorts o' tempers and interests into union with the mixter known as " Conservatif pas'e."

Havin' harf-an-'our to waist the other day, I took to readin' of the public prints, and I larnt to my grate surprise tbat some of them restless furriners is kickin' up another rumpus, and that over a million men is bein' gently put on to bile for the purpose o' cuttin' one anuther's throats. One feller writes a proclymation—" To my Peoples " — (keep yer i on that '•' peoples "—not people— reg'lar strings on 'em, like sassiges) and sez he, "My brother's behaviour has bin very tempestjus," he sez, " and I think he'd be all the better for a little brotherly wallopin'. You've alius bin very hungry to git at him," he sez, " but I wouldn't never let yer b.-fore; howsumever, I giv yer leave to sit on him now, for my patience has all bin biled to rags. You have every motif of honour and patriotism to make yure feelins fizz ; yure country has bin insulted, and yure napsacks will be filled with bread and meat. So wire in, my babes, and heaven bless you I—Guv1 — Guv at our City of fc'o-and-so, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and sixtyBix." J

This is reg'lar sweetmeats to the infants aforesaid, or it's what mite be called millingtary glue, for it dovetails 'em all together till they feels as one man. Fancy bein' called "My people "by a Emperor I « Hooray ! lead us agin the hawty fo," vich is as much as to say, " We're on the bile at larst." it's curu«, mind yer, he's wallopped them all round in this fashion with one another's help. But I have observed the same sort of pa^ triotism in the feathered tribe when I've bin out burd-catchin/ Speak softly to an old chaffinch as has bin locked up balf his lifetime in a cage in Seven Diles, and he will decompany yew into the green fields and chirrup " How 'appy are we" till he's drawn a lot of his relations into the net, and made 'em pris'ners like hisself, and then, when he's got 'em safe in Seven Diles agin, he leaves off his gentle warble, and sez he, " I never see such owdacious hidjuts as yew are in the whole corse of my life," and pecks 'em. Then the hawty fo has his turn at mixing a pot-full o' proclymation paste. " Goodness gracious," he sez, at the beginnin' of bis bit o' writin', "how wicked some pussons is. Bein' a lamb by birth," sez he, " I naterally hanker artcr pease, whereas my royal brother is in favour o' nothin' but tantrums and bloodshed. You will not forgit the traditions of a glorious parst," he sez— (which is ai much as to sey the lesß you think about the present the better)— -" leave off yer sholeder-straps and tickle yer country's fo with the baggernet. Yourn is a holy mission. I'm sorry to heer as sum of yer are starvin' but this is a time to forgit all petty differences. As for my kwarrel with the Parliment, I propose a honourable compromise which is, that I shall be allowed to have my own way. Our caws is just. As soon as my fether-beds and foot-warmers is ready, I shall jine yew in the tented field. Ta ta." This is famous paste, and the pore Ch'aubakons in the country distriks likes it better than gruel. There's so many big things mixed up in it, yer see— "Luv of country," " Nashional destiny." « Devotion to my throne and house," each on 'em bein' naterally of a sticky natur' ; but, when combined, more bindin' than a hook of steel. Yokel reads the proclymation, looks at hia thin wife, his raggid children, his own rough cloze, and his miserabl' hutch of a home, and thinks he'd like to be away from it, to change it all for the clean barricks, a pretty uniform, and occasional musik on the trumpit. Then, agin, sez a woise inside him, " It wouldn't be rite to. leave the aforesaidto shift for theirselves ;" but another woise says, " Think of the nashional destiny and yer duty to the throne." " Ah, of course," he sez, •' I'd nearly forgot I that ; and he keeps a mutterin' it over to his- 1 self, as children whistles nigger melodies in the dark to f riten away the devil. " Besides, he sez presently, " I'm tired of this everlastin' hat-touchin' to the bigwigs of the villi j. . It's better to have one master, and that master a man, than to be under fifty old women. Have the goodness to put my name down on the list. Hooray for our country's caws !" " Ha ! ha ! ha !" ( J6sef Sprouts a larfln'.) He's soon kwite ready to leev his natif plaice. Al this junkter, there's now and; then; some", highly comick scenes with;th'e wimmen, as have bin a weak-minded gene-

ration ever since the fall of the earth. I red a humorous akkount the other day of some on 'em throwin' of theirselves underneath a railway injine as was goin' to carry away their husbiands, lovyers, and frends to this gloreous war, and threatenin' to get crushed beneath the wheels if moved away without 'em. This is called Juggernawt in Indy.— (Historikal parallel communicated by a frend.) The capting of the solegers promised that if they'd only get off the rails he'd have some other carridges hooked on, so as they could jump into and decompany the troops. He kep his word, and the fresh carridges was soon filled with the dawters of Heave, and the train moved off ; but it was found that by some unlucky accident they'd forgot to jine the wimmen's carridges to them as carried the men, and so the sawfter sex was left behind at the railwaystation arter all. When I read this out to Elizurbeth, she enjoyed it to sich a degree that the very tears came in her eyes. We're both very fond of a joke. We've seen Chaubakon leave his natif railway station. Where is he got to by this time ? Why, he's struttin' about a garrison town and dividing his time between garding a empty watch-box and playin' at cards in small beer-houses along with the landlord and his frends. There's two parts of the purfession of soldiering — namely, poetry and pipeclay ; he's had his allowanse of the fust in the proclymation, and he's now takin' mild doses of the second several times a day. They're takin' the stoop out of his back, makin' him turn bis toes out, teachin' him to prog with the baggonet, and, generally speakin', makin' him a man. Above all, he's slowly arrivin, at that hight of huming perf eek shun — not to think for hisself. This is the greatest triumph of scientifick kulture, as the crab said when he larnt to walk backwards. Meanwhile, Yokel from the other Bide (him as was nabbed by the second proclymation) is marchin' in in jest the same way. He's still severil hundred miles apart from Chaubakon, so there's no danger of their fitin' yet. He's bein' drilled into his patent manhood in the same way as Chaubakon is. Yoothful officers about the size of gnats is skimmin' around him, and hurtin' of their delekit little throstles by bellowin' our commands ; drill sargents in tight kollars is doin' their best to make him fix his gaze upon anuther and better world ; corporals is enterin' of all his vices im a memorandum book, and, havin' riz from the ranks theirselves, peckin' of him like the Seven Diles chaffinches aforesaid ; and a who'e flight of newspa: er correspondents, armed with oppery-glarses and soft felt hats, is takin' down his pints, so that a patriotik publik can combine hot rolls with instruckshun when it's a takin' of its brekfust in the mornin'. "Latest news from the army;" "Splendid moral and physic of our noble troops;" " Visit of his Majesty and the Royal Princes ;" " Ball in the camp of the Twenty seventh Corpse, followed by fireworks;" " Arrival of the hospital staff with lint, bandages, surgikal instruments, and a selekt stock of wooden legs;" " Touchin' instance of forethawt;" "A very excellent effect produced upon our veteruns by hearin' of the nashional subscripshum to purvide 'em with glarse eyes." Chaubakon and Yokel moved a step nearer to one anuther yesterday. The burgermaster or mare of each town came out to read an address to 'em, and there was a banquet in the evenin'. . What a plessunt site it is to see two hulkin* specimens of butcher's meet, otherwise bullocks, bein' druv along different streets of London, yet meetin' in the same shamble* at larst. " Why, who'd ha 1 thought o' seem' yoo here ?" says the Hereford to the Yorkshire ox. "It was a pleasure I didn't anticipate," sez the other. " I hope we shall meet agin on the hooks in the butcher's shop. Good-bye for the present — I think they're a wai tin' to knock me down." [ Chaubakon 's wife is living a brisk life now he's away, very favourable to the study of nature, for she has to rize considerably erlier than the sun does, and she's generally wide awake long after he's quenched hisself in the western wave. His little children is being taught habits of industry, for the two eldest ones of seven and eight is out at work already, and has sum very respectabl' korns upon their hands; also their little trousers is patched about like draftboards, and their shoss is fearfully and wonderfully made. It's strange to see 'em puttin' of their little horny hands togethur at bedtime and pravin' and singin' hymns to the musik of "the mangel, with Mrs Chaubakon, their mamma, as organist; and all for Chaubakon -all for that turnip-healed country lout, a sort of speck or dot among countless other turnip heads, as, ritely looked at, is merely so much immaterial of war. "Latest Noose ny Telegraph. " Both the armies now is close together on the field of the Crimson Rag, and nothin' can save 'em both from comin' to a engagement to-morrer." The gloreus morrer dawns. The cockpit, whew the funny little creeturs is to fite thdr tussel out, is all alive with fethers and britely glistenin'.spurs. All nite long there's bin a clatter and a bustle, fellers gallopin' here and there with orders, rank and file bein' mustered in their places; doctors, wimmen, pillboxes, and other superflooities packed off to the rear. At larat the sun curas up smilin', and he shines on seven or eight continual miles of men, some on 'em standin' boldly in the open, some hid away in yaller cornfields, some planted jest upon the crests of hills. Chaubakon, with his regiment, is standing near that pretty orchard on the right; but where is Yokel as he's come to meet ? Why, Yokel's a long way off from Chaubakn still. Right over in the distance, yonder; you'll twig anuther six or seven ; mile of dust, clouds, and shiftin' cullers, with here and there a quiverin' streak of light; and if yew used a powerful spy-glarsc

yew might see Yokel there, for it's the other army a waitin' to begin. And now you know my meanin' when I pays my triboot to the everlastin' power of paste. What a mixter it must be as can bind these fourteen miles o' huming critters of all shapes, sizes, and occypations, both of soul and body, together in their present pursoot of happiness ! If it hadn't bin for paste Chaubakon would have still bin grovellin', like a base-born peasant, in his natif fields, and Yokel But hark ! the battle's begun ! Oh, gloreous moment I Dost thou hear yonder boom and rattle, as if the larst day had cum, and the heavens was belchin'fire on saints and sinners; and rocks, and palacis, and poor men'a huts was all crashing together into the kassums of the rifted earth? It is the battle, the brave battle, so gloreous for our caws ! Dost thou mark yonder fan-like droves of men dancin' about in smoke, and spitfcin' flame at one another like adders in a heap of burnin' twigs? and, far away, tho clash of steel on steel as countless numbers charge together in the middle of the plane? It is the battle, the gloreou3 battle still ! Dost thou see them youngsters, who have lingered here since daybreak, fretting, chafin' in the ranks like Derby bosses waitin' for a start ? They sniff the gloreous battle fir away, and are hungerin to be in it. Them fellers bein' carried neck and heels to rearward have only jest bin there; shall we lift the kotes from off their facis and ask 'em how the gloreous battle goes? Better not ; they're lyin' very kwiet, and it'll soon be time for us to go and see it for ourselves. Our turn is cum at larst, and not a bit too etly, for we've been waitin' here all day. The General says we aint to let that battery be taken, so forward, boys ! and stab the enemy out ; never stop for loadin' — yer baggernets will do. The calmest man among us is geltin' grizzly now, for the enemy's shot is gappin' us like ill-kep hedge-rows, and yew get very sweet on even surly comrades when yew see 'em fall. Grate Chaubakon, that lump of slack-baked cay cut out for work, for heavy suppers, and for heavier sleep, is all afire now, snortin' loud with rage and hate ; for a gust of wind has made a rent in the smoke cloud that hangs about the battery, and through it, for the first time in his life, he sees the face of mortal foe — hrave Yokel waitin' ready to receive him. Another moment, and their bonny baggernets is clashin' one upon anuther, and the smoke cloud closes up agin and shuts 'em out from sight. Hooray 1 they're met together at lasrt ! O, paste, paste ! paste 1 wondrus offishal paste ! Nine hundred miles apart lived Chaubakon and Yokel, unknowin' each other — not so much between 'em as a thawt ; yet here, through many windin' ways, you've brought 'em face to face together; and see how merrily they fall to work, wastin' no more time in greetin' than a pair of welltrained dawgs. Lawful cuttin' and woundin', thou'rt a pretty art 1 The fir in 'a over— the clouds has rolled away to leeward — the battery's won. Let's step inside and take a glance arcund. Reely, the limbs and heads and eperlettes is so mixed up together, sir, that it's a puzzlin' thing to find our frends. Ah, there they are. " What, Yokel, man ! What, Chaubakon I Leave off grippin' one anuther's throats in that spiteful fashion, lads; the battle's over now." No arnser. Well, upon my word, on lookin' somewhat closer at their sea-gre n facis in the moonlite, I find they're both stone dead. One beam of the moonlite is shinin' in a little cottege four hundred miles away — shinin' on two little children, pray in' with uplifted hands and eyes and harts, and their niothtr, with her head bowed down behind 'em. Her soul is also bowed, for something told her at the very moment that they clasped their hands together that what they're askin' for had passed beyond the reach of prayer. The gloreous batt'e's done. May tho Power that holds all men as dust grains in the hollow of his hand grant it has not bin fought in vain ! Haply he that can make flowers spring out of dead men's graves will draw out of these square miles of gashed bodies some precious froot of usefulness and buty for the coming time ; but let us hope it will be quite other froot than they looked for that did the plowin' and the sowin' of the seed !