THOMAS SMITH AND CO.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 656, 30 June 1870, Page 3

THOMAS SMITH AND CO.

♦ "Home as usual— half-past four, sharp, Mtb Bennett. Good day." And away trotted little Thomas Smith, Esquire, of 25, Victoria Crescent, Barnsbury. A very smart, tight-built, dapper, airy, little bachelor he was, smiling and chatty, too; yet his eye and complexion warned you of a tendency to occasional eruptions of wrath— indeed, he owned that, under certain conditions, he was somewhat irascible. As he walks towards the King's Cross railway station, one can judge by the umbrella, so carefully laid up in its shining cover, its fanciful ivory handle tenderly grasped by the owner's well-gloved hand —by the neat leather despatch- box strapped so jauntily across his " manly breast," protected as that is by the last new thing out in little great- coats — that Mr Smith is a person of some pretensions to taste and fashion. For, scrutinise him closely as you may— from the top of his shining Paris hat to the clumped sole of his irreproachable winter boots— you will detect no flaw or want of harmony in the outer adornments of Thomas Smith, Esquire. He has reached the station, according to his custom, five minutes before his city train was due. Thomas Smith always travelled first-class. " There is a peculiar odour," he would observe to his lady friends— and these were numerous — " about second-class trains that is particularly unpleasant, and then the company — so mixed, so— l do not know how to express my meaning exactly— say uncourteous—besides which, there are children; awkward boys, who tread on one's boots, stumble over one's umbrella or cane. A clumsy urchin entirely spoilt one of mme — snapped a very beautiful ivory handle completely in half. I prized that handle highly; it was perfectly unique, the sweetest bit of carving I ever saw so applied;" and more in the same strain, showing that Mr Smith was exclusive in his habits, dilettante in his tastes, and very ladylike in his opinions. However, on. this particular morning, he, from some occult reason, resolved on venturing into the democratic second-class, Having taken his ticket, he was soon seated in a compartment of which he was the only occupant; but as the train was starting three other gentlemen, panting and heated— for though it was the last day in December, the weather was mild — made a rushing entryvinto the same compartment. " Another second, and, by Jove ! I should have missed it," remarked one of the new comers, addressing himself in a general sort of way to his audience, _ " Awkward to miss a train when you're tied to time," observed a bluff, burly young fellow, principally remarkable for an entire carelessness, amounting to recklessness, of appearance. He wore a shaggy brown witney overcoat, loose and large, strong rough boots, and a hat decidedly the worse for the battles and the breezes it had unmistakeably gathered. No gloves allowed the display of large strong hands and fingers, the nails of, which might have been cleaner. The first* speaker was a slightly-built young fellow, whose dark skin, prononce features, and highly-jewelled dress, bespoke a Hebrew origin. • He merely nodded in acquiescence

to the last remark. The fourth occupier of the compartment was a seedy-looking individual- dressed in shabby black, whose look, manner, and cleanly-shaven face proclaimed him a not very distinguished member of the theatrical world. He nodded somewhat familiarly to the young Jew, with whom, however, he appeared to claim rather than to have acquaintance. " Shall we see you to-night ?" he asked. " Can't say. Should like to know if that little swell, Tom Smith, is likely to be at the Shades this evening ?" Mr Smith listened. "I think not," returned the actor; "he's too much of a prig for us." " F-a-n-g-d-n," called out the porter in bis peculiarly dark language. "Eh ! what? " cried the wearer of the brown witney, who seemed to have been dozing. " Where ?" as stumbling up from his seat, he made a rush to the carriage door, thrusting the fore part of his body through the window, and entangling himself with everybody in the compartment. He drew himself back as suddenly as he had started forward. "Beg pardon, hope I didn't hurt you, though," he said, addressing Mr Smith, who had suffered in his boots from the sudden raid of hi 9 fellow-traveller. " I've been up all night, and fell into a doze. I thought it was my station." " This is Farringdon street, sir," advised Mr Smith, and consulting his watch; " we are exactly two-thirds of a minute behind time." " You don't mean that ?" remarked the actor. Mr Smith held his watch towards him by way of answer. "But those Genevas can't be depended on," put in the Jew. " I've handled hundreds of 'em, and know it. Only the very first-class ones do." " This is a first-class," observed Mr Smith, irately; "and has never lost or gained a second since I have worn it." " Which means you bought it yesterday, I guess," observed the wearer of the brown witney, contemptuously. "Sirl" exclaimed Mr Smith, "is that intended for an insult ?" " You can take it at your own valuation;" and the man ia brown grinned at his fellowtravellers. Mr Smith looked down at his boots, frightfully disfigured by the muddy feet of his antagonist. In a moment it flashed into his mind that these three fellows meant to rob him — that the sleepiness of the huge brute in brown was only a ruse— that the little dißre-putable-looking Jew was evidently a pickpocket; and as to that actor-looking fellow, he was, no doubt, a man without a name or character -nothing to lose in whatever he got mixed up in. Mr Smith moved his hand to make sure his watch was safe. Doing this, in his panic of nervous fear— which same he was careful to conceal —he knocked his umbrella forward, to the imminent peril of his opposite neighbour's features. To save them, the Jew clutched the falling umbrella; Smith snatched it from him; at the same instant the porter announced " A-a-l-s g-t-e/' The train came to a moment's stand-still, only with a sharp jerk to move onwards. The passenger in the brown witney, half asleep, lunged heavily against Mr Smith, and —as that gentleman believed, purposely — knocked off his hat. The little man, fierce as a lion in defence of his own, started to his feet, and belaboured the drowsy traveller with his umbrella. ".Hullo \" shouted brown witney, wrenching the weapon from its owner, " what are you about ?" "Here's your hat, air," said the Jew, handing forward that injured article. Mr Smith had no eyes for it ; he was struggling to regain his umbrella. "I'll keep this up to Moorgate street. Your mother should not hare trusted you with arms," said brown witney: " and I'll tell you what — you shall pay, too, for this," pointing to a cut the ivory handle had made. " You assaulted me, and I only used my umbrella to defend myself. I only wait for Moorgate street to give you in charge — you and your accomplices; fori believe you are all in league together." " What !" cried the actor from his corner; " I have never stirred a foot in the matter.." " If you won't take your hat one way, you shall another," aaid the little Jew, bonneting poor Mr Smith with his shining chimneypot. The three burst into a roar, while Smith battled here and there, in his blind struggles to keep off imaginary robbers, and to release, himself from his hat. The four occupants of the carriage were on their feet, brown witney brandishing the umbrella of Thomas Smith— he still imprisoned in his hat, making frantic endeavours to free himself; the other two lending their aid to the prolongation of the row that had so suddenly arisen, and that afforded them keen amusement. " M-r-g-t," cried the porter," passing the door of the compartment. " Police ! police !" shouted Smith into the top of his hat, he having managed to thrust his head through the window. " The fellow's mad," said the actor, stepping forward, and now, at the last minute helping Mr Smith to unbonnet himself which he, construing into some base attempt behind bis back, resented by kicks', and more rapid and vehement cries of " Police ! murder ! police !" " I Bhall get out of this," said the Jew, endeavouring to push Mr Smith from the door sufficiently to make good his escape. To no purpose. The little man was on his mettle. Indignation, choler, bodily pain — for he had received a severe blow in the scuffle— united to render our friend tiger-like in his thirst for vengeance. Two policemen were at hand, and opened the door of the compartment. Mr Smith, freed from his hat, fell forward into the first policeman's arms, the others rolling out after him. The police detained the four. " I give these men in charge for a con-

spiracy, for an attempt on my life, and for' unlawful possession of my umbrella." > " Tom-foolery 1 the man's mad !" " I never meddled -with him— he attacked me 1" "It's a lie!" shouted Smith, indignantly. I charge the three, and I expect you, No. 165, to do your duty." And turning to brown witney, who offered to return the umbrella: "No; I will have this matter . cleared up. I will be no party to a breach of the law. You shall account to the proper authorities for hating possession of my property. Policeman, lead on to the nearest station;" and, in spite of the protestations of his fellowtravellers, to the station the four went. Arrived there, the inspector on duty began to make the customary investigation. Turning to the plaintiff in the case, he asked, " Your name and address, sir ?" " Mr Thomas Smith, 25, Victoria crescent, Barnsbury." The three defendants opened their eyes, looking at each other and the plaiutiff with undisguised astonishment. He then responded to all the questions of the inspector, and then made way for the defendants to be heard. Brown witney was the first interrogated: — " Name ?" " Mr Thomas Smith." "Mr Thomas—," repeated the inspector, slowly, and glancing over the charge sheet, where the plaintiff's name was not yet dry. "Mr Thomas— who?" looking at brown witney. "Smith," roared the defendant, with a savage and defiant glance at the plaintiff, as he stood drawing his pale moustache between his fingers. The inspector looked keenly at defendant for a moment, then, seemingly satisfied, continued — "Address ?" " 25, Victoria street, Barnsbury. The officer again glanced sharply at him, but entered the address. Having concluded, the second defendant was called: — "Name?" " Mr Thomas Smith." " Come, come, sir 1 you don't expect me to book that ? Two at a time may pass; but three's just one too many. Your name and address, if you please, sir," he added, significantly. "Mr Thomas Smith, 25, Victoria square, Barnsbury." The inspector laid down his pen aud whistled. The plaintiff and the two unoccupied defendants looked alarmed and doubtingly at each other. " You don't mean that in earnest ?" querried the official, pausing between each word. "I do, though ; I'm not a man to be ashamed of my name, or address either. I am Mr Thomas— Smith— of —25,— Victoria — square,— as I'll let that carroty little scarecrow know to his cost— delaying me here." " Take it easy, sir; we shall see to it all presently. Then it is your real name and address that you have given ?" " Confound it, yes, I tell you.'' The interrogations ended, the Jew was called .to answer to — " Name and address ?"- "Mr Thomas Smith, 25, Victoria road, Barnsbury." V *£he inspector pushed aside the charge* sheet", and looking up severely: — " Gentlemen/ he said, appealingly, " that is, if I have gentlemen to deal with, I do think you could find a better pastime than to carry out a hoax of this sort. Smitbjnay be a common name enough, and Thomas i«n't out of the way; but I'm blessed if you're going to persuade me into the belief that four Thomas Smiths, all of the same, or near upon the same place, can happen together in this way. No, gentlemen, no; try somewhere else, it won't do here." " What the ." " No bad language here, sir; that won't do either. Come now, just put the thing on the square, and as it is New- Year's Eve-—." " But hang it all, man; I tell you I am Mr Thomas Smith, and I do live at No. 25, Victoria road, Barnsbury ; how dare yoijL give me the lie ? I know nothing of the 1 others; it's no business of mine what their* names are; but I tell you again, I am Mr Thomas Smith, and it's not your wisest way to talk of squaring to me." The inspector, bewildered, looked over the charge-sheet ouce more, as, taking his pen, he, with evident doubt aud reluctance, began adding the fourth Thomas Smith to his list. In the meanwhile the facial expression of Thomas Smith No. 1 underwent various changes; surprise, incredulity, disgust, each in turn was portrayed; but all gave way at last to an embarrassed discomfiture, until a new light seemed to break over his visage. With one eye on his boots, and the other on his umbrella, still in the strong grasp of Thomas Smith No. 2, he advanced to the inspector. That functionary hailed his approach with a look of encouragement. "I am afraid," he commenced in hesitating tones, "that I have been a little hasty— a little too hot. On reconsideration, I think I have laboured under a false impression, for which," turning to the three dftfendants, "I sincerely apologise, and," again facing the inspector, " beg to withdraw the charge." " But, sir, allow me to say, it's no joke to give gentlemen id charge for nothing else but because you are too hot." " I know it, my friend; but a slip of the tongue is n. fault of the mind, you know; and as it's New Years-eve, and turning cold too, perhaps a bowl of punch wouldn't be amiss;" and Smith No. 1 slipped something that was yellow aud shining so closely to Mr inspector's fingers, that they involuntarily closed over it, as did his mouth, after his parting words to his guests on their quitting the station together — " I wish all you Mr Smithses a happy New Year, and hope you'll enjoy yourselves, gents." Aud so they intended; for Smith No. 2 declaring that business hours were over, tht quartet stepped into the nearest hotel. A bowl of punch was ordered. Smith Ne. 3 once more offered No. 1 his umbrella.

■ v * r " But what on earth induced you to fly at me in that insane way in the train ?" " A false impression, friend; nothing else. But," he added,- turning sharply upon the seedy actor, " what did you mean by speaking of little Tom Smith as an intolerable prig?" "Oh, it wasn't you— l never saw you before in my life; but don't, my dear fellow, pray don't mention Smith. Smith me no Smiths, I pray you;" . Over, that evening's punch. Smith No. I enjoyed himself — enjoyed the jolly goodnature of the " brute " in brown, the racy anecdotes of the "disreputable" Jew, and the well-given imitations of the seedy actor; and though he did not return to his landlady, Mrs Bennett, at half-past four sharp, he has since become intimate with his fellowtravellers, aud tolerates the smell and society of second-class trains and their occupants; for Smith No. 1 has discovered that other Smiths have virtues, if not of precisely his own pattern.

Th c other day, in Holborn, an excited individual, with a carpet-bag in one hand, an umbrella in the other, and a shawl hanging over his arm, accosted one of the street boys with the question, " I say, boy, which is the quickest way for me to get to the Charingcro9s station?" — "Run!" 'was the laconic response. As Foote, the comedian, was one day passing by the King's Bench his attention was attracted by a barber's, shop, the owner of which not being able to pay for several broken panes of glass, had substituted paper for them, and over the shop door appeared the following doggrel:— " Here lives Jemmy Wright, Shaves as well as any man in England Almost, note quite." Foote was convinced that jemmy was a natural curiosity, and a genius withal; still he was determined to ascertain this . thoroughly; so, popping his bead in through one of the paper panes, he exclaimed, "Is Jemmy Wright at home, pray?'- 1 The facetious barber immediately realised the sudden arrival of Foote, by popping his head outside through another paper pane, and giving a rejoinder thus, " No, he's just popped out !" Both laughed heartily, as well they might; and Foote gave Jemmy a guinea for his witty reply.