Varieties.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 570, 18 March 1870, Page 3

Varieties.

" Why do you not admire my daughter ?" I said a proud mother to a gentleman. " Bej cause," he replied, "lam no judge of paintings." " But, surely," replied the lady, not lin the least disconcerted by this rude remark, " you never saw an angel that was not painted." An old Scotch woman steppe 1 into a clieesedealer's shop, and inquired, " Hae ye ony quid cheese the day ?" " Ouay." "Let's pree't;"a small piece was held out to ber on the end of a formidable knife to pree, when she immediately gave two loud smacks with her mouth and vociferated—" Na, that"ll no dae; I hae mair ski.l o' cheese than a* that comes tae." "Aweel, aweel," siid the storekeeper, who was well known at that time by the sobriquet of ' honest Jamie "—" I hae plenty mair," the merchant being void of the modern counter polish. Another piece was handed to her in the same style, when she exclaims—" Ou ay, that's something like the thing." " Aweel, aweel. Mrs., hoo muckle dae ye want?" The order, of course, was | small, and very soon executed, when off she ' set, no doubt highly pleased with her clever transaction. An old acquaintance being in the shop at the time, took occasion to twit Jamie thus—" That one's fit for you." When he immediately retorted " Aweel, aweel, she hag jist got a bit aff the tother half of the cheese I" Our frontier females, says an American paper, do not seem to understand the necessity of taking the census and naturally resist such things. To one, Mr Pierce, the collector, said : " What is your age ?" and she replied: "Thatia an impudent question, and I won't tell you." " Well, I shall put you down at thirty," said Pierce. " I am only twentyseven," indignantly exclaimed the now thoroughly enraged lady. The record was corrected accordingly. " Madam," eaid Mr ; Pierce to another lady, ♦• I have been at your house twice to take the census." " You had better not let me catch you there taking anything," an&werel the independent woman. "I want to know how many children you have?" asked Pierce, walking into a house. " What's that your business ?" answered the dame, "so long as we don't ask you to keep them." "I am taking the census and must know," pursued Pierce. " Well, I guess somebody has been a takin' yours and you'd better be hunting them up young man," vociferated the dame. " What is your occupation here ?" asked Pierce of the lady-like [ keeper of a house, the character of which was already sufficiently well-known. "We toil not neither do we spin," archly replied the damsel, "yet you can safely set us down | aa public benefactors. There flourishes in a flourishing village of Kent one of those good-natured old ladies who have a generous scorn of details, and believe on all occasions in giving good effect to their conversation. At one of the periodical tea-parties to which the village is subject, she was entertaining the company with an account of a most astonishing hog which her father had fattened to the enormous weight |of six thousand pounds 1 Quite a murmur of surprise went round the room, during which ber husband suggested, '* Oh, no, my dear, it was six hundred pounds. " Why, Jeremiah," ' said she, in disgust, " the skin weighed that." General Sampson Dove of Winepusa, married the daughter of the American Consul, Miss Jemima Fox. They first went to Killarney on a wedding tour, and after they had stared at that lovely place till they hurt their eyes, they went to see the Groves of Blarney and what not. Well, the general didn't want folks to know they were only just married, for people always run to look at a bride as if she was a bird that was only seen once in a hundred years. It's inconvenient, and makes a sensitive, delicate-minded girl feel as awkward as a wrong boot. So says the general to Pat, "Pat," says he, "don't go now and tell folks we are only just married; lie low, and keep dark, will you ? that's a good fellow." «• Bedad, never fear, yer honor," said Fat, " the divil a much they'll get out of me, I can tell you. Let me alone for that: I can keep a secret as well as ever a priest in Ireland." Well, for all that, they did stare, in a way that was a caution to owls. At last

the general. saw something was-in -the wind above common, for the folks in the house looked amazed, and they didn't look over half pleased either. So saya he, one day, " Pat," says he, " I hope you did not tell them we were only just married, did you ? " " Tell them you was just married, is it, your honor," said he ; " let me alone for that 1 They were mighty inquisitive about it, and especially .the master — he wanted to know <»1I fibout it, entirely.'; Married, is it?" says IH 1 why they ain't married at all, at all; the divil a parson ever said grace over them. " But I'll tell you what," says I, "if you won't repate it to nobody, they are goin' to be^married in about a fortnig .t, for I heard them say co this blessed day, with my own ears." I£ the general wasn't raving, hopping mad, i'Cs no matter. In half an hour he and his wife were on board the steamer for England, and Pat is in bed yet from the kicking he got."