THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XLI, Issue 13, 27 November 1920, Page 22

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

rpRTJTH is stranger than fiction. The following are facts, and can be vouched for. A young man in a wholesale house in Auckland, having a strange internal derangement, causing much pain, called on a wellknown doctor. Said doctor looked very grave, and informed the young man that an operation would have to be performed, and made a date. The young man attended to be further "enlightened, and was told the operation would necessitate another doctor's presence (as an anaesthetist), that Dr. So-and-So would collaborate with him, and the fee would be twenty-five pounds cash down. * * * This news was a fearful smack to the young man, and the fee beyond his means, so in his. agony of mind he consulted his boss, who, thinking things over, thought deeply before advancing the neat little sum. He sent the young man to be examined by one of Auckland's leading surgeons (if not the leading one). Result : The surgeon informed both parties that there was nothing wrong. A little rest for a month or two, and all would be well. Organs healthy, etc. * * * Another recent case. Young man, well known in musical circles, of nice tenor voice, felt badly "under the pinny." He consulted a local medico. Same medico shook his head sadly after an exhaustive examination. Then, in a heavy voice announced the fact that an operation was necessary to save life. "And what for?" asked the startled young man. 'Tor appendicitis," replied the medico. Young man then asked medico to please take notice of a scar in the lower abdomen. "That, sir, is where my appendix was taken out some two years ago." Collapse of medico and two guineas' charges. * * « Still another: A man well on in years got into very low health, and was ordered by medico to a hospital. An operation was planned, land agreed to by relatives. After the operation, and during convalescence, the patient asked the doctor what had happened. "Oh, operation for appendicitis." "What?" asked the .startled patient. "Why, I had my appendix cut out some time ago; in fact, I have it as a trophy in my own home." "That is nothing to me," replied the doctor, calmly. "I have yours up in the hospital, and my fee is so—and—so, so—and — so." The patient had to pay. ® ® ® "B" writes: The fish business in Wellington is practically run by Greeks. At any rate, they lnaka da mon. The City Council, with its market is weak opposition, and a losing proposition so far as business is concerned. Just outside the Heads the sea teems with fish, yet 10d. a pound is quite a common charge. Seems that municipal trading enterprise is rotten; either ,that or the "heads" want a holiday. » * * New South Wales, with its State trawlers, are into the fish business good and hard, and, although at the outset things were not brisk, they have managed to turn over £3,000 in profits made from selling fish direct to the people at cheap rates. It's different in our capital. Instead of cutting down Toni's prices, the municipal market seems to follow his lead and mark yesterday's hapuka in similar figures. Perhaps one of these days it will be possible to buy a schnapper for a deaner.

An Aucklander who knows the schnapper in his native habitat, and where to snare the wily yellowtail, and he is naturally a little satirical about the piscatorial possibilities of Christchurch. He says in a postscrip to a letter: We were down at Sumner yesterday afternoon. Raining and snowing intermittently like hell. • There were about forty old cocks fishing off the pier. Presently one of them caught a lousy red cod, and the whole lot went stark staring dotty. The last one that was caught there was about 30 years ago, and they reckon these two were the buck and doe Noah had on his excursion to Ararat.

The juryman (who is the most important prop in the British constitution) is usually a well-disciplined, hard-thinking citizen, quite as capable of deciding matters of fact as a Judge or a X.C.—but he is usually a silent and modest spectator, whose talk is reserved for the jury room. In a divorce case heard before Mr. Justice Edwards the other day, the foreman of the jury rose to his feet and implored the Judge to ask counsel to cut it short. His fel-low-jurymen agreed that the proceedings were drowned in seas of words. The .Judge beamed at the foreman,, and agreed that the jury was right—and even the lawyers sat up, took notice, and sub-edited the remnants of their verbosity. But nobody has given that jury a purse of sovereigns for making Lex and Co. chop out the dope.

'Te P." writes: The round, tub-by-shaped man turned into Willis Street. Thinking of the extra cost-of-liviug bonus he would find in his pay envelope on Friday, he neglected one of Wellington's strictest injunctions. He failed to hang on to his hiit. The gentle zephyr, toying idly with the dust, and kissing the cheeks of the maiden on the x>icture show poster, greeted him like a long-ilost lover, and his sixguinea velour went careering down the street. It skimmed a hole where some men were fussing about with tho main sewer, dodged two small boys, hit a dog, and finally brought up in a pool of water.

The tubby-shaped man retrieved his treasure, and under his breath said vile things. In the act of brushing away the mud, he happened to glance up and catch sight of the policeman on point duty. He stopped brushing,. and looking up at the dark clouds heralding the approach of a southerly,' laughed loud and long. Then he had another look at the man in blue. "That's good business," he said; "it's good to know summer is with u.s. The Johnops are wearing their white helmets." In these days, when bookmakers are abolished (>laud laughter), it is necessary for the police to exercise the ingenuity that is their chief charm. It was understood by the police of a city that a pernicious

penciller was effecting gambling business with the tramway staff. The tramway staff naturally knew every policeman within forty miles, but the police employed an innocentlooking recruit to catch the tramwsiymen. This recruit quietly joined the staff. The gentle stranger approached the "bookie," and asked —alter some preliminary camouflage, "What odds about Greengrass for the Handicap?" "Ten to one bar two." "What two do you bar " Then the gentleman got in his shot. "You and the sergeant."

The police in a certain no-license district are excellent eradicators of liquid refreshment—in other people. A large and lusty sergeant stood on the platform of his town the other day, and observed with distress a number of gentlemen with heavily laden bags. He did not perceive, however, that a respectable-looking gentleman with the appearance of a prohibition lecturer, placed his bag behind a stack of milk cans. Armed only with a travelling rug, this gentleman approached the sergeant. •'I regret, sergeant," he said, "to suspect anyone, but I feel certain the red-headed man with the Jarge leather kit bag is about to introduce liquor into a dry area."

The sergeant was all alive. He stopped the red-headed man with the leather kit bag. "Show me the contiiits of yer bag, plaze," he demanded. "But you have no search warrant!" pleaded the red-haired man. ''Oi have rayson to suspict yess are taken alcohol into a pi'ohibited area," he persisted. "Open yer bag." And as the red-headed man opened his bag, and disclosed a heap of soiled clothes, six men with bags full of liquor hopped aboard the train, and the train moved out. And the (more or less) innocent red-headed man said, "There, sergeant, you've made me miss my train!"

The law is a funny fellow. A boy of 15 obviously incapable of selfcontrol is sentenced to a- thrashing lor the theft of £7 14s. 6d. Adult .seamen who .stole £10 are not .sentenced to a thrashing. A magistrate who orders a boy to be thrashed fondly hopes that birching a boy will fit him with a new moral nature. If he believes this he should also fondly imagine a hiding at the hands of a policeman will make thieving sailors saints.

Neither the one nor the other is true, and can never be. The law which cheerfully thrashes a boy for a crime against property never thrashes a man for offences against humanity—and everybody knows the kind of case one refers to. If a magistrate who cannot order an adult thief to be thrashed is quite sure that it is a good thing to thrash a boy for the same kind of crime, he -should prove his contention by taking the birch in his own hand and inflicting the torment. It is time tnfit the sloppy sentiment about adult criminals should cease, and the punitive ferocity against children be stopped. The contention here is—and no doubt Mr. Poynton will see the justice, is that if a thief aged 16 is thrashed a thief of 30 should be thrashed. If it is humiliating to thrash a man of thirty it is destructive of any chance of reform to thrash a boy. ® ® $ Jurymen are often excused for deafness, illness, business, and so forth, but a new excuse has been found*in Australia. A judge asked a man before him why he did not wish to serve as a juror? The man replied that he wasn't seeking exemption for" himself, but for his •father. Said the Judge, "But why doesn't your father wish to serve?" He expressed no wish at all, your Honour—you see, he's been dead for four years." The Judge ruled that death was a reasonable excuse to put forward.

"Gumsucker" writes.: The universal Maoriland passion for teaching the ignorant reader induces a Christchurch scribe to slide this off his pen:— "Australians are discovering a new value in the eucalyptus. That, of course, is the prevailing tree on the big island continent. Over there it is a .somewhat stunted monarch of the forest, and does not reach anything like the height and magnificence it does in the moister climate of New Zealand." » * • There are gum-trees in my little country that would make the largest arboreal masterpiece in Maoriland look like an undersized cabbage, and provide a Maorilander with a considerable walk round the butt. There are gum-trees in Australia, which if laid, trunk and branch, in Queen Street, would block the traffic from the Town Hall to Wellesley Street. There are gum-trees- in Australia that would make the giant redwoods of America cry out with jealousy. In Australia, which can't grow gumtrees (vide the Christchurch inkspiller), the largest trees on earth are to be found. 1 would like to take the Christchurch vegetarian to Gippsland and make him climb unfavourite gum-tree. I would proide him Avith a day's rations for she journey—and when he reached the top-most twig he could be easily grabbed from tho skies. But prevaricators, don't go upwards. Throe hundred and sixty feet is a common height for tho eucalyptus, which Australia can't grow, and when a splinter like that falls! m <& * The Auckland S.P. C. A., which is compelling more interest in it's activities, sends the following fine tribute to a dog addressed, it is said, by a judge to a jury:—The one whom a man thinks his best friend may turn against him, and become his enemy. Those whom he has trusted Avith his. happiness and good name may become traitors to their faith. the more that a man has he may lose. It flies aAvay from

him, perhaps when he needs it most. A man's reputation may be. sacrificed in a moment of ill-considered action. The people who are prone to fall on their knees to do him honour when success is with him may be the first to throw the stone of malice when failure settles its clouds upon his head.

The one absolutely unselfish friend that a man can have in this selfish world — the one that never deserte him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous —is his. dog. HE will sleep on the cold ground, even when the snow drives fiercely, if only lie may be near his master's side. * He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer. He will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounter with the roughness of the world. He will guard the sleep of his pauper muster as if he were a prince. If all other friends desert he will remain. When riches take wings, and reputation falls to pieces, he will be as constant in his love as the sun in its journey through the heavens. If ill-fortune drives the master forth, an outcast, into the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful dog will ask no higher privilege than that of accompanying him. to guard against danger, and to fight his enemies. And when the last scene of all may come,and death take the master in its embrace, and his body be laid away in the cold ground,no matter if all other friends pursue thoir way, there, by his graveside, will the noble dog be found, his head between his paws, his eyes sad, but opened in alert watchfulness—faithful and true even in death.

Mast met West- in a Mongolian emporium in the South lately, and the Christian Avho interfered Avith the stock-in-trade of the heathen ultimately attacked the Son of the Sun with' a walking stick. The ancient one dived for the broom, and an encounter ensued, the ultimate outcome of which Avas that the Christian Avas haled to Court and fined.

In these occasional stick encounters con testa nts show an almost totsil lack of training. For instiince, a man with a broom, or similar'timber weapon, generally raises the weapon above his head, and. smites. It's wrong! And one hopes that when tiny person with a real grievance has occasion to attack he will use the '•poke." The,man with a weapon who raises his hands is at a great disadvantage. A poke under his guard even with the ferrule of an umbrella will be sufficient for an ambulance party. As there's a heap of fighting going on in New Zealand, and revolvers are to be happily abolished—when Mr. Massey has a moment to moisten his paJnis —the proper use of a stick is apropos. The point is, almost the whole are of bayonet work, swordinanship, and stiekmanship. rta, oa an, (2P C& q!p "Hopot" writes: Noticed that bank ad. in our papers recently asking the public to trot along to the banks and hand over their "trays" and ''browns." Wonder where all these common tokens have disappeared to? I'm inclined to think that the parsons have got something to do with their absence. You know they can't very well announce in church that "threepennypieces will in future be declined in the collections in view of its depreciated purchasing power." It's quite possible that the pleasant way to tackle the question was to "corner the trays" as they came to hand, so now that there are not many pennies and fewer three-bits, the congregation must perforce dub up a "zac"

They apparently manage these things better in Westralia. A chap named Isherwood has been jailed tor three months for telling fortunes. You may consult any one of a dozen frauds in Auckland who ,deal in the alleged occult, and who are brazen and ignorant —not to say illiterate imposters. Heaven knows how they keep within the limits of the law. The pseudo "medical" faker, whose clients are all women, is another flourishing pest, and he seems to wriggle free. The flourishing of the alleged occulist (most of whom ought to be, and very likely used, to be washerwomen) in a town supposed to be inhabited by intelli-

gent people, is one of the mysteries that no fallow can solve. There's a \i>ry clever, industrious, sind painstaking detective sergeant in this town. When lie has n fortnight's leisure—yes? * * * Tlif ; 'reverend," otherwise "Professor"' Jsherwood mentioned above is the i'renk wlio was fined £750 in Xew Zealand in 1916 for obtaining money i : roin Maoris under false pretences. At the trial the Chief Justice said that Isherwood did not indulge in ordinary false pretences, and was not of the criminal class, ft .seems a rum thing for an Australian Court to send the poor chap to jail if he isn't a criminal. While Fsherwood was awaiting trial in New Zealand he lectured most successfully to big audiences in Hawke's Bay. They took him down like mother's milk. When people allow themselves to be robbed by this sort of cheap stuff it generally serves them right.

"Unknown" writes: One imagines that the Telephone Faults Department must long since have found the regular flow of complaints a bit monotonous, but surely a chuckle was heard in that region when a suburban subscriber rang up a few days ago. Said subscriber finding that his telephone for the umpteenth time was utterly dead, and having a number of important calls to make, went round to a neighbour's 'phone to implore the powers that be to make urgent investigation as to the cause of the hold-up on his line. • • a Fuming and desperate, he explained the position to neighbour, and for a few minutes they both in turn roundly slated the Department, finally coming •to the conclusion that "something really must be done." Then irate subscriber rang Tip "Faults," and after a preliminary shake-up, asked to be told what was the matter with his 'phone this time. The official returned after a minute's inquiry with the devastating information, "You've been cut off for not paying your bill!" Irate subscriber spent the next quarter of an hour in explaining to his friend that he had never even received the bill, but neighbour is still unconvinced.