THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXXIX, Issue 48, 2 August 1919, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

0" LD SWAD" exclaims:— Wonder what's the matter with New Zealand officials and their treatment of V.C.'s, not to speak of other eminent soldiers? The average official does not know why a V.C- is granted, the origin of the cross, and even forgets the name of the man who has achieved the distinction. It most certainly is different in the Home of the V.C. For instance, a New Zealand V.C. drifted almost by accident into a Home village wearing the unobtrusive ribbon of the greatest decoration. There was a redcap on the station. He came to the salute immediately. (Note for New Zealand: All ranks and all arms salute the V.C—the wearer of the V.C. TAKES the salute). The redcap asked the New Zealand V.C. to come to the town provost-mar-shal, and the "logger ,, naturally "got the wind up." He wondered what in Hades he had done in n town he had never before entered, for the p.m. to be looking for his gore. The red-cap allayed the fears of the "Digger" and toted him along to the office , of the provostmarshal- * * * On entrance the provost-marshal jumped out of his chair to attention and saluted. Then he rung up the Mayor of the town. The Mayor of the town immediately summoned the Aldermen, but neither he nor any sugar-selling Alderman asked the V.C. whether he would LIKE to be received, but went along to find him and to tell him that the Mayor, Aldermen, and people of the town considered it an honour to have a man who wore the bit o' bronze in their midst. The people of that Home town gave the New Zealand V.C. the best time of his life. But the whole point is that they did not consider they were giving HIM a treat, but that HE was honouring

them in going to their town. In Auckland the chief highroller absolutely doesn't know the name of the Auckland born V.C- he reads readymade stuff, too. ® ® $ Somebody has been talking about the prospects of commercial flying here in New Zealand, and they are finding that it is nearly, if not quite, impossible, to run it on paying plans. And their reasons are quite logical, at all events. First, there is not enough distributed wealth in the country, because goods carried by air must mean highly-increased charges, for the simple reason that the weight-car-rying capacity of aeroplanes must be strictly and stringently limited. Next, there must be immense capital outlay for fleets of high-power 'planes, acres of landing places, dozens of aerodromes, guiding lights on captive balloons for night flying, and something like the same things for cloudy days. And this night-flying stunt must be obvious if aerial comniorco becomes anything like a payable fact hero in this Dominion, bocause, after all, spaces in New Zealand are rather limited, and even on the .slow railway plan that we are in the habit of calling "Express," meaning the Main Trunk, it is only a matter of a day and a night to get things through the length of the island. Accordingly, if much time is to be saved at flying, the night would have to be used as well as the day. @ @ © A most curious phase of thought was exhibited by the Returned Soldiers' Association in connection with Dalton's Peace window—in the opinion of the writer the most touching and appropriate display in Auckland. Mr. McMath, employed by Dalton's, had been inspired by the greatest poem produced by-the* war, "We Shall Not Sleep," by Lieut,Col. John McCrac, a Canadian Army doctor, who was killed in action in Flanders. The exceedingly beautiful idea of the poem is that the soldiers who died for liberty would not sleep in their graves, despite the soporific effects of the poppies in Flanders fields if the living did not take up the struggle whore the valiant dead had laid it down. MrMcMath, himself a returned soldier, liad seen the beautiful picture published iji the American "Lady's Home Journal," containing M< ] -

Crao's poem, and illustrated il iii ji perfectly appropriate way by ;i window display of— In Flanders fields the poppies grow Between the crosses row on row ; That mark our place The objectors who caused the display to be removed would probably object to anything. They might read the poem and ask the («od of .Battles to give them brains to tmdevstand it.

A policy constable who was being cross-examined by a solicitor in the Magistrate's Court at \YeJlirigton, possesses some humour. ''1 suggest To you," said tlw solicitor, " that tho accused u>se<l the hand-bag with which to carry on his lawful occupation of hawker. What do you say to that?" "I suggest in return that accused uses the hand-bag to carry two square riggers ci btc , : , — that's about all the canvassing he does." "But," persisted the solicitor, "how do you know that?" "Well," retorted the Avitness, "I've seen him coming out of bottle stores time after time, and I know he doesn't go there for eggs." <© <& <& Ah the returned soldiers marched in the procession on Peace Day the banners flying oA-erhead boro the names of the engagements and places in Avhich the New Zealanders have taken part. It was a tiring march, and by the time the men were at the top of Upper Queen Street it was with a half interest that they noted the banners and their message. But the Council people know what they were about, and the, last of the banners announced "Champagne" in good sized letter. This aroused faint hopes, but at the luncheon which followed the Champagne was omitted. © # $ One of the artistic sensations of the Peace Decorations was the window of Messrs. Milne and Choyce, a unique and fitting allegorical representation of Great Britain and her Allies in the war. Crowds of people almost fought for a sight of this wonderful window. The compelling feature about the display was not only the disposition of the female

figures (which are in themselves the result oi' genius in their beauty and naturalness, but the perfect costuming to represent the individuals as typical of the respective nations. The colour scheme is impossible to anyone but a true artist, and even the disposition of the gorgeous material (particularly in the striking single figure effect of Britannia in the window nearest Wyndham Street), could not be achieved except by intuitive knowledge of .the effect oil the eyes of the outsiders. * * * In the gorgeous group of allied nationalities in the Milne and Choyce display, the artist has made most effective use of the "backcloth" and the various "properties." The artistic mind has surmounted the great difficulty of the inclusion of Russia by introducing a sorrowing figure veiled in black "mourning for the glory she might have shared." Reference is made to this unusual display for the reason that acute perception and fitness has been shown —that genius in these matters is not common. May one congratulate Mr. Constant? ® ®> ® A sense of humour is a rich possession- One dares say a Sydney medical student's sense of humour is unsurpassed for tender charm. He attended anatomy class, and when the lecturer wasn't looking stole a human hand, putting it in his pocket among invitations to afternoon teas, pipes, cigarette cases, and so on. After class he strolled into the Domain and searched for a dog. He found the dog and threw the human hand to it. The "joke" accomplished, he sauntered home. The dog, with the instinct of his kind, carried the piece of provender in his mouth in search of a place to bury it. The active and intelligent constabulary, observing the dog in possession of a piece of humanity, alarmed the general body of police, who, in great numbers, searched Sydney for the remains of a murdered person from whom, it was assumed the hand had been torn. The affair was explained in the papers, and the hoax came to an end. No Sydney paper explains why the relatives of the dead person from which the medical student got the grisly relic to throw to a dog did not lie in wait for him and obtain anatomical remains,

"Bulldog" writes: Note that newspaper correspondents have lately been writing letters about "cures" for ants. Professor Waters, Otago University, lately said that in Australia (where there are 999,999,999r 999,999 ants to the acre), the one Avay to stop 'em from invading the tucker cupboard is to draw a line of chalk round the legs and Mr. and Mrs. Ant won't pass. You would want the chalk cliffs of Dover and three million acres of first-class white chalk to keep the ants of Australia in check. The common method in camp is to stick the dining table legs in pots of water, hang the safe from the ceiling of the hut or the ridgepole of the tent with the wires running through half bottles filled with water, and corked (the wire running through the cork). Immediately dust blows on the surface of the water the ants walk across it, and invade the tucker emporium. Chalk won't stop " bull-dogs " or "soldiers." Throw a lighted branch of leaves on a bull-dog nest and the ants will attack the fire and try to drag away burning leaves. Ghop two bull-dogs in two and put the head ends near each other, they will fight to the death. Nothing any professor ever knew ,will do anything really disastrous to the ant population. There are 7,989 species of ant in Victoria alone, and not one of 'em without a sting. "Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise." Yon can kill ants with boiling water, but to kill all the ants in Australia—first boil the Pacific. @ ® $§> "Fossicker" writes: They're arguing in Australia about who found the famous "Welcome Nugget," the lump of gold worth £950- Henry Sherlock is credited with the win, but the real finder was old Jack De.'isoii, who did it in 1869, and only passed out of this scone of worry "in 1915. The "Welcome Nugget" weighed 2230z., but was , a mere pendant to the chunk found by my old pal Beyers (awful foreign name, ain't it?) at Hill End. Hefferman Beyers and self were poking round the hills of Hill End one day looking for the root of all evil. Beyers conceived the unusual notion of putting a "shot" in a rock crack. He blew off the face, and lying against the face was a mass of gold, thin and flat, but at least as tall as Beyers—about sft. Bin. Beyers became the big wig of Hill End, but the sharks got hold of him and rooked him of every penny, and he was an outcast in the town he had formerly almost owned. @> SB> # The modern journalist lives in such a realm of rush that the following can perhaps be excused. A lady scribe on one of our local papers did not awaken with the mdk, and in her hurry she placed her tooth brush in her belt, with the intention of later placing it in the proper place- But the gentle muse wafted her mind away from such material things, and the Queen Street people were greeted by the spectacle of a bright-looking lady journalist, who wore her tooth-brush as if it was some distinguished order, in the front of her belt. The article was happily removed before she entered the Mayor's office with her note-book and pencil. <ss # .® During a recent evening a policeman visited a hotel with the intention of capturing any persons "who were unlawfully on licensed premises after hours." He had an uneventful tour until he reached a small hall lounge where a young man was busy with a milk and soda. "Are you a boarder?" asked the policeman, with an official frown. "Yes," whispered the limp one. "What is the number of your room?" queried the officer. "Boom nineteen," responded the victim. The policeman was evidently not satisfied, and he conducted the milk and soda gentleman to Boom Nineteen, to investigate. He opened the door. It was a bathroom-

Jazzers and others, attention. Father Bernard Vaughan, the popular and "fashionable" English priest, has this to say about you: "There is always a section of the community which tries to live oh headlines, snapshots, and picture shows. Like spinning-tops, they feel there is no use for them .except when swinging round. Their ideal rises little higher than the jazz, and the music of their life is not unlike its noise. For them there is no sin but being dull, and no remorse but being found out."

The war is over right enough, and Sam Schwartz-Doughboy, of the U.S.A. Army, now knows why he •enlisted. He wanted to get to Germany to marry his gretchen. Uncle Schloster-Sam isn't letting the Schwartz-Doughboys from Bhine towns get back to ''God's Own" on their honeymoon trip for a wee while, but it's all on the cards, and the thirteen million of German people in Sam Land will be augmented with much fresh blood from .Bhineland. Mr. J. Bull is also pressing a brotherly kiss on the square forehead of Hans. A Fritzie in an English prison compound lately saved the life of a British airman. Mr. Bull sent Fritzie back to Germany with a purse of sovereigns and a nicely-engraved watch. The high rollers of the railway service declare the use of wood to "fire" locomotives is impracticable. You see they want to keep • thfcir heads.

Messrs. A. J. Mahon and Percy T. Robinson are chairman and! secretary respectively of a committee at Palnicrston North set up to gather information of Campbell Street School Old Boys who have been killed or wounded in the Great War. An Honour's Board is to be erected in the school, and as it is thought there will be many readers of this paper knowing Campbell Street Old Boys these are asked to send the regimental numbers and names, of any ■who have served in any war terrain.

No three soldiers will light three cigarettes with one match; and the superstition that one will be killed or will die if this is done has spread to civilians. People have wondered how this, superstition arose. As usual, it had its origin in the mind of a base profiteer, who sent his wax matches to France with a notice condemning the third soldier to death if three used the same match. This superstition "caught on," with the surprising .result that the sale of his matches easily doubled in six months. He has been made an 0.8. E., and when he dies he will go to heaven.