THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 5, 6 October 1917, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

fVLD CONTEMPTIBLE:— Many \J padres who have gone with their . regiments into the firing line have been as admirable as any other kind of soldier. I believe that a large number of these men are as useful as an ordinary private soldier. I do not, however, "quite understand the New Zealand system which gives three chaplains to one hospital ship at a daily charge to the. country of £4 10s. Congregations have niet in N.Z. to praise their parsons for going forward to "do their bit/ but the daily four pounds" ten worth of ship padres to whom I refer have, I am quite sure, had a hard' job to kill time. They have squabbled about their seniority a great deal and have (there being nothing else to do) occupied their well paid time in deck chairs improving their minds. la one storm a 30s a day optimist of the cloth kept walking backwauds and forwards protesting that "We shall all be drowned," and so forth. I admit that one pra-ys ragtime excellently but I know a private at 5s a day (3s deferred) who plays ragtime much better. I suggest cor-poral-chaplains for ships. The ship's chaplain idea is a pure "have" and an expensive one. I admit that it is sometimes necessary to bury a soldier at sea. I have seen an ordinary officer or a ship's captain do it beautifully without extra pay. "Take no thought for the morrow."

"A Soldier's Father" writes: Now that we have the hotel business settled by a band of shrewd business men would it not be as well to have another look round to see if we can economise any further? I would suggest that the same band of business men should stop all cheap drapery sales while the war is on. There is a large percentage of young men who have married 'before leaving to fight and have left young girls -here with money and nothing to do but dress. These cheap sales are a great source of temptation to girls -to spend all they get. When some of our brave soldiers come back without legs or arms there won't be much left to start a house. Prevention is. better than cure. I presume the business men had the prevention idea in mind when they fought to have hotel hours shortened', but if they want to prove ■to the public that they are sincere in their efforts and not trying to divert the money from the brewer's pockets into their own they will give effect to my suggestion/ If we have to economise, let us be honest iand not be blaming, drink every time—there are other sins at present that are a curse and nobody bothers. The business men also let out that they had £100,000 to spend. I would suggest that with the enormous war profits made it would 1 be only right at present to make all shops and warehouses pay a license. Why ask hotels only? We have large sums to find for pensions and war expense and' I think this would bo a very fair Avay of getting some more. Money seems to be very plentiful with some people when it is their own fight and I hope the same fight has not been for selfish ends.

It is boasted that there is in the Longwood district enough native bark to tan all the hides in New Zealand. A politician writes to this paper to say that the information' is too personal. He points out that he knows of no native bark that would give a greater toughness to his hide than the bark that is habitually heard in Parliament.

New Zealand has a Transport Board consisting of several highly expert people who know the sea, ships and all their ways from A to Z. Defence officers have not, as a rule, an expert knowledge of these matters and so a member of this Board was lately sent away with the requisite authority to travel by night but without any warrant to find sleeping accommodation. It is. presumed, that the gentleman who has a profound knowledge of his business, having been at the game for 50 years, climbed the ratlines and went to sleep standing, or crawled down in the engine-room, or lay in the bilge. The doings of red-tab tapeists are not ridiculous. They are official. 9> ® ® Mr Allen Wilson, a Jay preacher of Northcote, has the sincere felicitation of all moralists for his keenness, in making a point. One wouldn't be surprised' if he Won the War. He it is said with some unction caused a congregation to sing , the doxology for a great victory. It is assumed that the victory referred to was a victory for British armies against the enemies of the Empire. When the congregation has celebrated the victory of British arms by singing the dear old song, the preiacher explains—is. celebrating - six o'clock closing. <© <& <& Doctor Gribb ("the Presbyterian Bishop") of Wellington, lately flamed forth in a terrific tirade against the National Government and caused more laughter than he had ever previously But. Dr. Gibb's rhetoric is not so interesting as the reply of John Knox, in Wellington "Times." Here's a bit of it:— "When the rev. doctor spoke of how he was impressed with the need l of sacrifice, the audience laughed, be-

cause they knew that the rev. doctor himself had made little or ro sacrifice whatever, and that the man and woman in the audience who had made the least sacrifice had made more sacrifice than the xcv. doctor to help win the war. When the rev. gentleman' spoke of the National Government as 'this pitiful Government, , of the Government's moral density, and of how they were seared in conscience as with a redhot iron, the people again shrieked with laughter, and Dr. Cribb thought he would keep the joke going. It would have been a serious comparison if the audience had :jiot been, tickled into good humour by Dr. Gibb's absurdities, when Dr. Gihb asked , : 'Have we a Kaiser William in Wellington, as. they have a Kaiser William in Berlin? , ' The institution of such a comparison was not a reflex of moral turpitude and mental ineptitude on the part of Dr. Gibb! But it would have been a gross insult to the Prime Minister if Dr. Gibb had not, metaphorically speaking, rigged himself out in cap and bells, to play the. role of political mountebank on a Sunday night after he had dismissed.the good people of St. John's, who have seen to it that during the war Dr. Gibb ha*s made no sacrifice. , ' ® 9> &> The blanket great-coat issued to all N.Z. troops is, perhaps, the most , unsuitable' garment ever prescribed , by people who know nothing about it. It is not waterproof and when wet weighs forty pounds. A very fine raincoat is sold to officers by the Army Ordnance Dept. for £1 16s. An imitation of the same thing, very much inferior in every respect, is sold in Auckland l at £ 6 6s. There seems to be a very fair reason why people who self clothes can put up £100,000 (he! he|) to fight hotels.

An unconscious humorist stepped into the witness 'box at the Police Court the other day. When SubInspector Broberg asked his name he promptly gave it and when asked "What are you?" meaning what was his occupation he convulsed the Court by promptly answering, "Irishman."

Annoyed.:—What is the Devonport Borough Council doing to allow sand to be carted from its most prominent and favourite beach ? The other afternoon when the children were making the most of the Michaelmas holidays by basking in. the sun on the sand, three carters made their appearance with horses and di-ays and one of the men actually had the audacity to ask those on the beach to move out of his way. Some mothers with young children fearing that the children might get under the horses' feet left the beach altogether. I do* not know by whose orders the sand was being taken but it seems scandalous that it should be allowed. If it is absolutely necessary, then, the work should be done at a time when the beach is not ing used by the public.

The whole story is that the Borough Council is authorised to steal sea-beaches from the - general public to whom it belongs. The public, as a matter of fact, has no redress against an unconscionable body elected by people to conduct the affairs for which the public pay. The elected persons are, in, nearly every case,.persons of the least possible intelligence—the average N.Z. councillor. I make no complaints. I merely suggest to the /people who elect these fearful people that they should be more discreet. The peo.ple's representatives don't ask to be paid. They desire to be trusted.

Red Cross:—One of ours in Ambulance work left me to go over the parapet to do the burying of a close friend who had been knocked out. His body was plainly distinguishable even in the darkness surrounding. Taking a spade and, with the usual grunted ' f so-long," he disappeared. He reappeared some quarter of an hour afterwards, trembling all over and greatly agitated. Pulling me aside he relieved himself of his troubles. The knockout of his dear old mate upset him badly in the first place, the stealthy crawling to bury his mate with its accompanying terrors of the night contributed until

his nerves were in a fearful state. Then a mournful wail from an adjacent badly-wounded German finished him with its "Hospeet-al 1 Hos-peet-al!" Suddenly his nerves seemed to crack, and, jumping over the poor wounded Hun, one crack of the spade and quietness again. Then he came back to himself and realised what he had done. There's tragedy!

There was published in this paper last week the facsimile of a French beer bottle label, with a New Zealand soldier and a French girl as a centre piece. The soldier who sent it says he is sorry to say the beer does not live up to the reputation the label and that it could do with a dash of -'s (the best known N.Z. beer). The French are making a small fortune out of the colonial troops and every house is. an "estaminet" and is licensed to sell beer which is like N.Z. hop beer and ha§ no 'sting' in it."

A home for superammatedi journalists has been built in. Texas, U.S.A. When the staff had got it all ready and stood at the entrance waiting for the rush the said rush did not take place. A superannuated journalist who visited it asked where the bar was. On the president telling him there was not going to be any baa , , he went out and told his mates and ruined the home.

Grouser: —lt is a fixed rule in the Boys' Grammar School that no boy shall visit any tuck-shop outside the school. The beneficent board of governors and governess have most judiciously arranged l that, for a minimum price, a cup of cocoa and a biscuit shall be supplied to the hungry pueri. It is suggested, sine injuria, that the person who doles out liquid and presumably absorbs the proceeds may be a gentleman of good stipend and with free board .... On the corner of Khyber Pass and Mountain Road is a little sweet shop. Before the new rule the widow who keeps it used to make a living by the sale of fruit, cakes, lemonade, etc., to the ravenous -lunch hotir crowd. Then the worldly mentors promulgated the new mandate. Since then the woman has just barely existed. -One does not suggest that any governing body deliberately sets out to ruin anybody, but if one suggests that "live and let live" is an excellent motto, even a most august body might put its thinking cap on. Is

it permissible to ask whether he or she is most in need of the small profits?

"Yank" :—lt's interesting to note that the fighting $ammies already have'chosen a soubriquet. It appears that a wily telegraphist at field headquarters was despatched by General Pershing to send some instructions to a French general near by. So the callow youth sent the despatch, and signed it "Amexie." And the name stuck. It is generally believed that the name "Anzac," derived from the Australian and N.Z. Army Corps, gave the. idea. So out of the "American Expeditionary Force" the wily 'uns gave themselves the name. And it's up to them to cover it with as much glory as did the first members of the glorious Anzacs. Amexies can't achieve their triumph on shelltorn Gallipoli—but they can strafe Fritz in France. Aye "Amexies."

Fairplay:—Magistrates as a rule regard assaults on the police while in the. execution of their duty, as more serious thaii. assaults on private individuals, but Messrs C. E. Palmer and T. Gubb, justices of the peace, appear to hold a different view to a. trained magistrate. The other day these two learned gentlemen imposed a fine of £1 upon a drunken fireman who had committed an unprovoked assault upon a constable, and. immediately afterwardb they sent a drunken man to gaol for two months who had made an unprovoked assault upon a civilian. No doubt, the latter offender, when looking for an object to assault in future, will select a policeman, instead of running the risk of going to prison* for assaulting a mere civilian. When, oh when will the Government do away with this iniquitous J. P. system which allows' such anomalies to creep into our Courts of Justice?

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Events tempt one to ask whether the "Luck of the Hofoenzollerns" has again been stolen. The "Luck" is a.plain gold ring, with a bla«k stone, said to have been dropped by a large frog upon the bed of a Hohenzollern Princess. Frederick the Great received the ring from his dying father, with a note saying that while the jewel remained in the family the race would prosper. It was stolen by Oountess Lichenau in 1790, and not recovered until 1813. The dates cover a period of great Prussian reverses. 1813 saw a revival of good fortune.