THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXXV, Issue 49, 14 August 1915, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

HERE is a little story of an aged Auckland tradesman that may be a warning to fathers with girls. A young girl who had' been carefully brought up but who had a certain faith in the honour of men., simply on© supposes because those she met in family life respected and honoured ladies, applied for a position advertised by the aged person referred to above. When the girl applied the aged person emphasised! the Tionour he would be doinig her in giving her a position for which there were a "whole stack of applications." intimately, however, the young lady was engaged, and took her place in the aged; person's shop. The girl was naturally not prepared to find that an apparently respectable and aged tradesman would be offensively familiar, especially a® he had grown up chidren of his own. She was astonished one day when a younger man called and spoke in a highly familiar and ungentlemanly way, asking the old man what had become of the "other girl." The old man showed an obvious anxiety not to discuss his late assistant. The girl arrived! at home after work m a highly nervous condition, but made no complaint until one day the person was peculiarly and particularly offensive. The girl was terrified, and immediately escaped, and did not stop running until she reached her home. Slue has suffered a nervous breakdown ever since, andl has had to be treated by a doctor 'for hysteria. Rapscallions like the aged person spoken of are fairly safe. Parents of girls, as a rule, hate to "make a fuss," and in the mean-

time the aged persons escape. The natural thing for a father or a brother to do would be to physically punish the man, whether he was eighteen or eighty, but no doubt a very beautiful law would. punish a young man for punching a wicked old wretoh who is a danger to society. © © ©

"Sbuir Grapes" unburdens himself thuswise: —This National Government business has led! to some cruel dashing of hopes. So many members, so many Ministers! The old, old story of every soldier carrying a marshal's baton in his knapsack. Verily, I say unto you, Vanity; all i» Vanity. Wibioh shows that old Isaiah knew a tfiing or two. With the smaller fry yelling and crying for the unattainable moon, the task of the leadtesrs does not appear to have been quite as rosy as they protested. Look at the careers blasted! Poor, claer old Tau Henare, who has now ceased hopping on one toe, and who. has a seat oni the Governiment benches ddrectljy in front of Mr Speaker, is miserable without the limelight. Whether lie ever said, "Kapai, Sir Joseph Ward" to Mr Massey, we may never really know, but certain it is, Tau, as a humorist, as the cynosure of all admiring eyes, a® the arbiter ot the destinies of New Zealand, is, alas, no more.

Another figure has been, silently extinguished in the person of Mr D. H Guthrie, senior Reform whip, arid well in the vain for the Ministry of Education. The member for Oroua is a keen, clever man. He visited Auckland some time back with Mr Massey, just at the time people were talking about replacing Francis Marion Bates Fisher. It looked very much as though Mr Guthrie would "•et the job, but his lantern failed, and he appears to have faded without a murmur. Many other geniuses will have to waste theitr fragrance on the desert air. ' ;. .

Shakespeare was sublime, Demosthenes was very fine, and Albert Glover was on his own as an Orator.

But the Auckland Presbytery beats the lot for sublimity. Read:—"lt is the firm conviction of the Presbytery that the gambling spirit is inimical to the highest interests of our national life, and it protests against the Government's granting its official sanction' to the robing of the demom of gambling in the white—alas bloodstained!—robes of the true patriot as 1 being an insult to the intelligence, conscience, and generous patriotism of the people." If the blood-stained robes of the true patriot are related to the blood-stained tunic of the soldier on Gallipoli, by all means' get the aforesaid bloodstained 1 patriot to cut _ adrift from the wicked person who is saving the patriot's life by dying for him in Gallipoli. Presbyterians (who are generally Scots) might be capable of understanding that to raise money for soldiers would be acceptable to even the God of the Presbyterians. If the "demon of gambling" can be so controlled) as to work for humanity, f<> r *h© stricken soldier, the sorWwing' mother and) the hungry orlet the "demon of gambling get to work and keep working. The possible point in the protest is that people insist on giving money to keep dying soldiers alive instead of handing them to th© kirk, and this is a heinous crime. Still, as a specimen of beautiful, terse English, the extract is worth preserving from generation to generation. ® <© ®

"The Major" writes on fashions: — I observe with respect the local leaders of men's fashions, who set the pace for those who have the genius to copy. Nearly all men's fashions are set by great personages. Frequenitly one sees a mam weaning one glove and carrying the other. It was originated by the late King Edward, who was unable for a day or two to wear both because of a slight cut on ome finger. You observe the two buttons indispensable to the "skirt" of a morning coat or a "frock" coat. Thiey are a survival of the riding coat, the buttons being used to hold the "tails" back while on horseback. Wherefore I arrive at my subject. Eminent men still set the fashions, and who more eminent than the Chairman of the Auckland Education Board. In the words of "Myra." He wajs becomingly dressed" in a pair of browny green pants, a brown doth cap to match and a black frock coat! I have always hitherto hesitated! to surmount a "frocker" with a cap, or to lay a foundation of frock coat on a pair of paints of that description, but I am glad of the precedent, and I know now what is the correct thing. In future I pattern my street attire on the glorious precedent; laid down by G. J. Garland, Esq.

The prima donna, Madame Nellie Melba, graced Auckland with her presence last Monday and Tuesday. The greatest soprano is on her way to Canada to give Red Cross concerts for patriotic purposes, and to United States to give concerts. Would she go on to England? Oh, dear, no, not if the war was on. How could she? People didn't want to hear opera or even prima donnas at this time. It was all 1 so horrible, so many of her relatives and friends had disappeared from human ken. Proudly she spoke of the £30,000 odd she had! raised for the Commonwealth patriotic funds, and evoked unbounded' delight when she talked of giving a Red Cross concert in Auckland in March next. That will be if the war continues, so other people's misfortunes will incidentally do us some good. Madame made the glad announcement that she hoped to bring us a grand opera company when the war was over. Too long have we been overlooked.

Mellba's presence is as commanding as ever, yet she seems strangely altered. Her little brownish eyes flash fire as of yore, her complexion is faultless, yet, yet, what has she really done to herself? Where lies the mystery? When she was last here, a few years ago, she gave one an impression, not only of majesty, but of plumpness. All this has gone. The great metamorphosis has been effected. But for her distingue appearance Madame could) pass on the streets without exciting the slightest comment. She certainly looks a picture of health, and she breathes patriotism, ener,gjyl and sympathy. By the way, it may be mentioned that her maiden name was Mitchell, her married 1 name is Armstrong, she made her debut at Covent Garden in 1888, and now a "Melba Night" marks the height of the opera season. ®> @> © . Monsieur M. C. Watteeuw, Belgian Consul-General for Aiistralasia, who is in Auckland on a visit, was well chosen, as a representative of his countrymen. Yet he and his unostentatious offices in Castlereagh Street, Sydney, were hardly known by the bulk of that city's 800,000 people, until the Belgians began their heroic defence of Europe against the overwhelming German hordes. Then the Sydney people, in commoni with millions of British folk the world! over, began to realise the meaning of the red, black and yellow flag, which flies over the consulates of Belgium. As soon as the fund for the relief of Belgians was started' in Sydney, people visited M. Watteeuw's offices in> scores every day, to hand in their donations,

while the mails brought cheques and drafts and money orders in hundreds. Soon the office was a busy place, extra clerks were employed, and through it all the Belgian Consul beamed with a satisfaction that was tempered by the thought of "what the cause of all this geneicsity was—a devastated Belgiin, a Fi-arr ing people; these were the appeals to the warm-hearted Australians' sympathy; as the val oar <,f '.ha- Belgian armies stirred his admiration for men that were ro.-i. and true. From the position of eighth in the list of patriotic funds published daily in the Sydney newspapers, the Belgian Fund, in a month, rose to second place, the leading one being the Lord Mayor's Fund, and even that was run pretty close by M. Watteeuw's daily totals.

Remember Clyde MeGilp, of Auckland Post Office, the decent soldier man who went forth in command, of a field artillery battery? Captain MeGilp has made good, use of the shining hours in Egypt. Just a card from Clyde, with a sweet little mono gram mi the left hand corner, J. and C. conjoined. "J." is for Jeanne and "C." for Clyde. Then, this intimation: "Jeanne, daughter of the Chevalier C. Aquilana, of Alexandria, and Captain Clyde MeGilp, N.Z.F.A. — engaged. Alexandria, 29th June, 1915." ~ This alliance of the nations is a useful thing. Good luck, Clyde!

Mr George Nathan and his wife, who hail from the windy city on Cook Straits, were in Auckland for a brief visit last week, on their way homeward from Rotorua audi other warm places, where earth and hell shake hands, and) it is unwise to be precipitate. George married outside his sect. He is a genial chap, with a stony cheek with which to meet a hard world's harshness. All the same, the world has not been very hard or harsh to George Nathan. In youth he worked' in Hayman's in Wellington, but the salaried clerk's task did not appeal to him. He set up as a lanidi and estate and any other kind of agent, and he has been lucky. He would hire a taxi to take a prospective tenant to look at a house which was to let at 30s a week. His enterprise grew. Now he is one

of the four auctioneers entrusted with the sale of lands under the big Rhodes Estate j the other three are firms which have existed in Wellington for donkey's yearn George Bald the other day that he had an idea that Waimangu had burst forth again ; but when at Rotorua he found that it was only am old geyser on Frying Pan Flat. Waimangu was to G.N. what the bells of London were to Whittington. When the big spout was in working order, it blew with clockwork accuracy every 48 hours. George saw it shoot up nearly 1200 feet one sunny day. At the time he was just starting in business. Property biz. in Wellington was not good; everyone hoped for a rise. So, as George watched the top of Waimanigu'e black column glittering in the sunlight high above him, he sighed! and wished that prices would leap up too. Strangely enough, when Waimangu shut up shop shortly afterwards, the demand for property in Wellington increased), and George Nathan put his foot and handl on the rung® of the ladder of prosperity, and never let go of them again. But if his success is really connected with Waimangu, the best thing that could happen to him would be for the Black Water to keep on lying dormant. © © ® Never before have the daily newspapers had so much free copy hurled at them as they are at present receiving in the shape of soldiers' letters. But the best of the soldiers' letters do not always get into print. There is one in Auckland at present, written in pencil by an Auckland! boy in Gallipoli, when on a transport. It describes with brevity and vividness scenes which we have only been able to guess at. Here are some extracts: "We arrived; off the coast, and heard an occasional crack of a rifle. Presently the sounds became louder and more frequent. Then we heard the staccato barking of machine guns and' the distant booming of the Turkish field guns. It was a splendid sight to see the British and French battleships replying; often their object was, 15 miles away. . . We saw the transport that was run ashore to assist in the landing. She lay beneath a dismantled fort. It was thought that this fort had been put out of action before the landing

was made. The steamer was filled with troops, and immediately she grounded the big steel doors in her sides were opened!, and' the men poured out with fixed bayonets. But barely 10 per cent, of them succeeded in getting ashore, for the Turks, after letting the landing proceed so far ; must have got another gun into pisition in the fort. They poured! a terrific fire into our ranks, until Big Lizzie hurried up and blew the fort to fragments. . . .

"All the transports were ordered to steam away, . as there were submarines about. One of our planes had sighted five of them. Owing to our mistaking some signals, we returned' in about an hour. But our anchor was scarcely down ere we were hurried away again. It was a great sight to see the warships flying about at top speed and zig-zagging. The destroyers were like rabbits, and when seen from the stern there was only a wall of white water to see, so far as the hull was concerned. The battleships, •including the Goliath, Magnificent, and Triumph, looked magnificent, and the fast cruisers were moving at over 30 knots. Whenever a periscope showed, the guns blazed, away at it, and 1 eventually they got one submarine. We heard afterwards that all three battleships mentioned were torpedoed. . . . We are camped on a beach just above high water mark. The Indians bring their dead down to the beach to burn them. We like the Indians, they are cheery, hardy, smiling fellows, but we wish they wouldn't come so close to make their funeral pyres."

Messrs Endean and Holloway, solicitors, lately advertised fjor an office boy. Evidently the boy market is firm. One application was received. Here it is:—Dear Law 142 Star Office, —I have the honour on seeing your respectful advertisemeant in the News Paper to extend my earnest application for the esteemed vacancy with you. I am now a youth not a boy as stated in your advertisemeant being bom at Opanake in 1899 when stiS vei-y young. I am very well educated indeed being taught and parsed the Civel Service examination. I am of very honest nature having rangitira blood (and several testimonials) in my vains. I would like to study for a solicitor being exceedingly clever for that difficult (though all the same sometimes honorable) walk of live: Should you anticipate seeing more of me will you please write to Mr Abraham Majuba Hill Thompson Esq, Orakei near Auckland. Hoping you will accept my anxious claim on your hospitality. I remain, My dear Law 142 Your humbel office boy Abraham Majuba

Hill Thompson. P.S. My wages will be 6s 8d per week which I hear is legal fea. $i ®> @> When- Hinemoa did her historic swim hardly anyone saw her. When the Rev. F. Bennett caused his Maori choir to sins the opera ' 'Hinemoa" there was also a, distinct sparseness of congregation. In short, une rev. gentleman, who ran the show said that he had been somewhat appointed that the theatre was not packed, and rather than that the nind shouldi suffer, had decided that the gross takings should be handed to tne committee. But the Rev. Bennett obviously did not desire to let the public believe that the audience was small potatoes and few to the root, or perhaps he didn't know theatrical managers and their dear little ways, oa- didn't read the advertisements. The impression given by the ad. in next morning's "Herald" was that Auckland had sat up all Sunday night to see "Hinemoa." "Managerial Note.—Long before the curtain went up last night hundreds were unable to gain admission." Couldn't the rev. gentleman, who was so disappointed at the empty benches, have rushed out and taken toll of the "hundlreds who were turned away"? or have "gone into the highways and hedges and compelled them to come in that my house may be full" ? Whom shall one believe, if one cannot rely on parsons and theatrical managers?

When young Ewen Alison, of Takapuna, suddenly developed a desire to keep a racehorse his dad and his other relatives smiled. What did Ewen know about it, anyway? Ewen suffered the family laughter cheerfully, and bought a horse and went in for the "sport of kings." Perhaps the family luck would stick to him? The horse fell down and broke his neck first time out. "There you are!" smiled the family. "What did we say ? If you will dabble in things yoii don't understand" (and so on). Ewen went on taking his own advice. He bought a bit of a brown gelding by the name of Ngatoa, and made dispositions to rope in the dollars. The family went on smiling. Ewen had the effrontery to send Ngatoa to try conclusions at Christchurch in the Grand National. "But Tim Doolan's in it!" said dad. "Never mind," said Ewen. Tim Doolan got rid of his rider, Daylight Bill fell, Morning fell and Glenmore came a cropper. Ngatoa found himself without company, and sauntered home with 50 yards between him andl The Brewer and the rest anywhere or nowhere. No doubt, when Ewen Eicked up his £1500 he smiled a appy smile at the family.