THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXXV, Issue 48, 7 August 1915, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

TO-DAY ie August it'll,, the mo-st sinister auiaiiversary in all the world's troubled! history. It marks the end of a year during which tlie earth has been drenched in blood and covered with the black pa.ll oi sorrow unspeakable. In twelve months countless myriads of men have returned to Mother Earth, thousands without any semblance to humanity. At the behest of a criminal maniac war's red rain has dyed many lands and fallen on fighter and woman and child alike. Inconceivable desolation and desecration have resulted from the mad ambition oi a live thing who is a mere ghoul. Jhe year marks for the first time the complete unanimity of the British peoples, but more than anything else it has proved that the British Navy has complete benevolent command of the Seven Seas, is still the strong arm that supports the oppressed, and the one reason why the woe unspeakable under which brave Belgium suffers is not also the fate of Britain. To-day, in this far severed outpost of the Empire, the citizen goes undisturbed to his work—there arc no evidences here of the ghastly work of "reeking tube and iron shard"—and the reason is—the King's Navy.

August 4, 1914, is to be an unforgettable date throughout all the years to be The year has seen twenty thousand gallant New Zealandere flock to the colours. During the short period these boys of ours have cheerfully undertaken the ghastliest fighting 'like true British gentlemen. The year will be remembered! to the everlasting glory of the Allied Arms, and in particular as the period dur-

ing which New Zealanders "gained for their country an imperishable record of military virtue." The terrible nature of the all-world conflict has been brought to the hearts of tlu.» people by the casualty lists. The minds' eyes of thousands of New Zealanders who have never seen a shot fired in anger are wistfully turned to the ruggedl hills of Gallipoli, sacred for ever as the last resting place of as yet uncounted colonial heroes. We have seen with our physical eyes the result of the fight in broken* soldiers wlw> have come back to us. AVith a spomtaniety that is perfectly marvellous the whole nation has dipped into its capacious pocket and rained go3d for every soldier charity, for every effort of mercy, for every activity that may shorten the period of terrible slaughter iand insensate devastation. Petty cliques which wrangled! like mating cats before the war are silent and regarded with contempt. While "man's inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn," the tribulation of the nations lias evolved a greater kindness, a wider tolerance a.ncl a more understanding fraternity. Out of this gigantic evil will emerge a giga,ntic good. As the Christchurch poetess S.I.R. so beautifully says:

Sprimg shall come a-tripping o'er the dew-gemmed lea, Setting thick the daisy-stars for all the world to see; Joy shall come to England, Peace sha:ll come to England, —Never yet a rapture like the peace that is to be!"

Footballers are. at the front in their thousands, but you haven t heard! o£ a footballer kicking a bomb and getting a "goal" in the enemy's trenches. Wherein, the trained oricketer scores a point and the trained lacrosse player is a pearl. Canadian lacrosse players in France use the "crosse" to slinig bombs and the deadly accuracy of their long range throwing is greatly annoying the "bochs." We haven't heard yet of the sport of standing round a tote box watching the bell ring has helped to kill any Germans yet, but no doubt it is useful as a preliminary to standing round in wet trenches.

Yon Hindlenburg, the Hum with the steel and beef face who is pushing up against Warsaw, is 69 years old, almost the oldest active fieldmarshal among the Alies, and liable at any time to apoplexy. None of the real leaders is a Napoleon as to youth. The supreme commander of the Allies in France —Joffre, is 63, and his chief officers, Oastillan and Foch, are upwards of sixty years of age. Italy has chosen an oldl gentleman, 70 years of age, to pwsh the Auetrians. Ooumt Sadroma, the Italian marshal, only last year proved the training of Italian cavalry officers and their horses by himself undertaking a ride of 500 miles in seven days, a feat that even Colonel Jimmy Allen might be proud of.

Trooper:—Soldiers in camp at Tauheninikau are endeavouring to realise what has struck them. When they lacked , what some looked upon as luxuries, such things as hot baths and! medical attention, tlhey jolly well had to lack. Now we must have to have a hot bath every day. The people of Greytown and Featherston presented the camp with 48 baths and there is a big boiler always kept going. Bath drill is on the daily syllabus now with a spoonful of sheep dip added for each man. So is garglie drill. The gargle is of Oondy's Fluid and , it its a sight for the godls to see a whole company with faces turned to the heavens and moutSis wide open, gargling for all they are worth. The bath and gargle drills are not universally popular. But the hot rum parade is. Every night each man is given a liberal allowance of rum and hot water. This 1 is regarded unanimously as the happiest moment of the day and Bill Massey's mana is rising in market value in the camps.

Gisborne people want to give a reinforcement a machine gun. Good idea? It would be. if New Zealand could make machine guns. What happens? Gisborne people simply raise enough money to buy a British machine gun and place the order. If any machine gun was available for the reinforcement it would be given to the reinforcement, even if the Gieborne people didn't raise a cent. The War Office lias the first call on every machine gun that can , be made in the Empire. The Gisborne people desire to buy a machine gun that would be used against the enemy anyhow. Send us from the place where every machine gun is wanted, a machine gun to send' back to the place it came from. Precedent? Canada! The difference being, ot course, that Canada is making machine guns and New Zealand cannot. Gieborne might with equal reason spend! ite money in purchasing shells to ibe used by the New Zealand artillery, the point being that the artillery would get all the ammunition available, even if Gisborne dadn t purchase any. If some patriots wouldi set to and make weapons in New Zealand they would be doing real service to the Empire. To simply place an order for a machine gun

is of just as much service as simply placing an order for Christmas dolls or monkeyson-a-stick. New Zealand does not intend to use its incomparable resources for the destruction of the enemy. It wants- to make a cash purchase of something the other fellow lias more use for.

.303 writes:—May I be permitted to express my thanks for the excellent samples of Chinese puzzles contained! in the calbl'edl "war news, ■aiiiidl will' you kindly give me the answer to the following: "A beautifully made German bomb, which did .not explode, recently foundl in our trenches was capable of being thrown sixty yards. The mechanism was so contrived that it was bound to explode whatever way it fell." After six hours of ardent contemplation of the .problem of the bomb that was boiuidi to explode a.nd d'idin't, I am led to remark that I •have a. hen wnieih is bound to lay 365 consecutive eggs but won't; ia cow that is , bound to give four gal-lons of milk a day but is iiilways dry; and a horse tliat would never fail to trot his mile a minute if he were alive. But the poor horse died as; a foal.

British papers are full of pictures of sweet girls doing turns as farm labourers, gardeners, drivers and so on. Without any exception these pictures fire foolish. They generally represent girls obviously selected for their appearance and l carefully dressed 1 in the nicest possible white dresses. The girl who cleans pig-styes in a white silk dress and a beautiful helmet with a silk puggaree would tickle Hodge in. ooi'dtiroys and hobnail boots to death. A very special picture shows a lady attired in at least £25 of tailor-made clothes driving a smart gig aaid a, high stepping horse. The paper says: "Mrs , all of whose men farm servants ihave enlistetdl and wlho now does all her work herself." The tailor-made woman iviho takes the place of six labourers is some woman. But the important point ijs, of course, that she gets her photo in the papers.

Gnco more the good old Riverina has made a name for herself by landing in port many hours behind time. Regularly each fortnight the dailies announce that the vessel will arrive in port on the Sunday, but Monday morning's paper states that the Sydney boat is expected early that afternoon. Then the evening paper comes next with the statement that wireless communications indicate that the overdue vessel will arrive in the harbour at midnight. Meantime Barcy Perry, of the Opera House, is fretting and fuming about town wanting to know what on earth he is going to tell the public when it learns that all the new turns are held up on board the Riverina. One of these days, however, the vessel will have a gale behind it, and will steam into port up to time, and the chemists will have an awful rush on nerve tonics. Meantime the boat reminds one somewhat of that pantomime melody "Or Thereabouts."

"H.J.J." :—I dlaresay the discipline imposed on Maori recruits at Narrow Neck Camp is excellent. Maoris are peculiarly amenable to discipline if it is swung on to them in a strictly military manner. Ido not like to see any young men, either white, black or khaki, not having the best chance of reaching the front in the best possible physical condition. There is nothing particularly invigorating to a fighting man in much beer. It has to be sweated out of him next day at drill. Young Maoris aire not masters of their own soul, and if the beer bugle blows when they are on leave they fall in where the pewters are thickest. This then is , to ask the camp commandant if his powers do not extend' to placing any (or all) hotels "out of bounds." It is rather discreditable nowadays to see any kind of a isoldier not fit for duty by reason of the hotels that are not "out of bounds." May I assuire you that qxiite a number of people care for the Maori soldiers enough to want them to arrive at the front with as little beer in them as possible?

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"In Terrorem" writes:—lt is high time we sat up and took notice that there are in this worildi foreign nations who look with covetous eyes on our possessions, and whose übiquitous spies are in New Zealand quizzing out the number and secrets of our public works. What may be considered by the credulous to be an angle of a deep laid and widespread plot has been unearthed in New Plymouth. Without comment of any kind 1 , a Taranaki paper gives the following choice morsel:—"One of the lessons which the war has brought has arrested the attention, of the Mayor of New Plymouth, and at Monday night's meeting of the borough council he sounded a note of warning against the advisableness of the council's giving any information concerning its works to foreign countries, Germany in her present attitude being offered as an example

Tell me not, oh, fellow members, That we ought to puit on steam; Let the flame die down to embers, While we sit around and dream. Say revision, to your sorrow! Let us fritter time, away. ActiwTo that each to-morrow Finds ue where we are to-day.

of the har mfollowing from this practice. The matter arose through, an officer of the council having given information to a correspondent in Jnpain., and, while there was nothing in the letter which might prejudice any future military situation, the mayor thought it would be just as well not to enlighten foreign countries on the affairs of the borough council." Let us guard Powderham Street Bridge and the asphalt in Devon Street with our lives.

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Premier AVillie Holman, of N.S.W. lately went on a recruiting mission to a big boxing turn out at Sydney Stadium. He took some wouindedi soldiers with him, and the unspeakable "sjvoirts" howled him down and gave him a bad quarter of a>ll hour. But there may be some good in it. A politician declares that the voluntary system had broken down, and that compulsion was the only fair tiling. This is where we all laugh till our ribs ache. Kitchener came to Australia and New Zea-1-aindi, and made plans in both countries for "compulsory military traming," and both countries adopted it. It is compulsory military service that has burst up and not voluntary military ervice. Both systems were feeble imitations, because" they left out about 90 per cent, of all men, of fighting age, and only touched the boys. All Britain's allies use compulsion over every class of men of all ages, and if there is ever to be a breach between the Allies it will be because Britain and her colonies do not force the slackens into harness. At a boxing turn out the vast majority of those who attend are of soldiering ages, and they are able to sit and' watch a couple of persons pushing in •each other's faces for money in safety, because the real "sports" are at the front. There is reason to throw a good sized stab of contempt at men who< play around with bags: of horsehair while their brothers are suffering the "knock out" with machine guns.

Talk is cheap and time ie fleetm , Let the ioolash public rave; It's enough that we keep meetin , And most gener'ly behave. Though our critics would remind us How to make our lives sublime, Lot us act so they ma, ted i» Doin' notlim' all the tim^^

The people to whom New Zealand owe all they have a,re the pioneers who in the early years of this Dominion bore the heat and burden of the day. To link tip the storied past with tlie present is to be the labour of love with a number of Auckland' people. The City Council has set apart a large room in the Art Gallery and Library for an Old Colonists' Museum, in which are to be deposited relics' of the early days in the shape of curios, pictures, books, manuscripts and articles which have a bearing on the old times. People in possession of links with the past must feed that the general public would have a keen interest in them. Therefore they are being asked to forward any such relics to the Hoii. E. Mitchelison, Little Queen Street, who is the president of the New Zealand Old Ooilomists' Association. Miss T. R. Kirkwood',, of 36, Eden Crescent, is the registrar of the Association, and is busy with the preliminaries for the collection of the mementoes it is hoped may he gathered.

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Had a German attended the performance of "A Scrape o' the Pen" in His Majesty's recently he would have had ample excuse for hugging himself with delight—provided, of course, lie was not otherwise engaged in a dose of "hate." Those who attended the show will remember that the orchestral music had a. distinctly Scotch flavour. The overture was a series of Scotch melodies of all sorts and descriptions, which came to a stop just before the curtain rose. Then a slight pause, and as the curtain sailed heavenwardls the orchestra broke forth again, while the audience, recognising the "National Anthem," rose to its feet. Gradually a feeling of uneasiness stole over the gathering—a feeling which became a certainty when the trombone player lost his breath in. a burst of ecstatic giggles. The joke? Well, what the audience took for the "National Anthem" was merely "Auld Lang Syne." That happened not on one night alone but on practically every evening the performance was given.

The mighty B.M.A. lately felt that it was not good that the people should know when a patient died linden- an anesthetic. A case of a military recruit is disseminated by the Press Association. One must presume that the recruit who died under chloroform had been passed as medically fit. The medical men. Avere fair enough before discussing tlie advisability of keeping tho reports of death by an aesthetics, a,nd asked journalists'their opinion on the matter. One does not know what all newspaper men think, but one must presume that no thoughtful journalist would keep the report of any death under anaesthetics out of his paper. It is commonly held by eminent medical men (outside New Zealand) that an accurate diagnosis prior to chloroforming or otherwise anaesthetising a patient will be an absolute guide as to the safety or

■otherwise of the administrationi of* anaesthetics'. Many New Zealand doctors suppose that the publication of reports of death under chloroform will needlessly frighten patients' on whom siurgieal operations- are necessary. It is at least a reasonable assumption that a patient who is ill enough to require surgical treatment is past wo.r.ryi.nig whether the anaesthetic kills him or not. It is a sporting chance with death and he takes it.

An M.l.\ is getting apoplectic at the unclean] inecss of the banknotes which do duty at present for the varnished sovereign. Most people chain their banknotes down nowadays, or shoot them on the run with Jove's Fluid! or chloride of lime. Why are our banknotes so dirty? Uwauso, diear brethren., we >can't make bank-notes , in New Zealand unless we are a criminal and then we can make B.N.Z. tenners' that deceive anybody and are never caught. We have also two acres of Government Printing Offices in Wellington which ceaselessly turn out thousands of tons of super-excellent printing that nobody ever reads, but the idea of learning how to print banknotes would never occur to a people who kadi the world. As nobody can make banknotes it is presumed that the pestilent scraps of paper which may be carrying meningitis and measles and other abominations all over the country, must still remain in circulation. As a. banknote is merely a promise to pay a sum of real money, the State could authorise the banks to issue promissiory notes in the shape of metal coins with the proper d'enominiation. There is no reason why three pennyworth of aluminium' disc should not be accepted as legal tender for a sovereign just as well as sixpenny worth of dirty paper ceneealmg £40 of disease.

Mr T. Culpan, the official ti-er of love-knots, is deploring the fact that the marriage rate is falling in Auckland. On.c simple truth is that there is an extremely heavy preponderance of girls in this district and there are not enough men to go> round.. Still it is notable that the true instinct of the Avoman is precisely as it was ten thousand years ago —send the men to fight, so that the camp may l>e safe. There will at the end of the war be such a rush on Mr Culpan as will throw him off his respectable legs. The marriage rate among soldiers, wounded and cured, but not physically fit to go back to the front, in' Britain is simply astounding. The illustrated papers are full of weddings of girls with half men—some Avith one leg, and some with one arm, and occasionally some with no legs or no arms. There is a deeper reason than need be mentioned here for a tremendous impetus to the marriage rate when peace com« 6, but the shortage of men will be a very serious matter for many years —.and we a-re too- # "civilised" .to adopt the okl Maori way of balancing tho nation, although we are not civilised enough to let tho living Mve.