Mr Morton and the Woop-Woopers.

Observer, Volume XXXV, Issue 46, 24 July 1915, Page 18

Mr Morton and the WoopWoopers.

Mil MORTON, naughty man, has been a-laughing at us ; He would have his world believe that we sjeep about 30 hours of the 24. Time' to us signifies less than nothing, and the most violent exertion of which we are capable is to turn once a dlay on our elbows and ask with a yawn when the "Herald" intends to "hang the Kaieer. If we stray from our beds we shy cart-hoi-siehly at strangers: one of us, so 'tis said, being asked by Mr Morton for the loan of a match, rolled ■ his head in a blanket and hid under the seat of the railway carriage. Now I cannot vouch for all the details of the following narrative, but I should not in the least be surprised if in substance it is correct. Be that a® it may, tihe moral is that when Mr Morton laughs we should not take his cachinnation too soberly. A man I know told it me, and I would as willingly accept his storyas that of Mr Morton. My Friend spoke thus: The Trulyruralers are well known to me. Not once or twice only have I fought with sandflies in the Te Aroba Domain. I have thirsted in Paeroa with a great thirst, and comforted me with sly grog at Waihi. The Te Ku.itiddlers and I have chased ihe elusive bowl together, and at.' the prehistoric town of Thames 1. , have gone a-kiss-ing Kitty. AVithin the past few months I have lived for some years in the railway carriages of these promiscuous parts. I claim to know the Baeroaraaiis and the Waiheathens andl tlhe Matamatootlers and all the rest of them. I don't think Mr Mortom does. I fancy he's merely sniffed at them from the tram, I m pretty sure I've seen him doing it. I remember waking in a railway carriage at Te Kuiti; a gentleman with an impudent roving eye and a sniffy nose also awoke. He did three things: he borrowed; my box of matches, he asked where we were, lie sniffed. Between the question and the sniff I said we were passing through Te Kuiti, noted as a wetdry district. He proceeded to light his pipe, expounding between whiffs his peculiar theological tenets. As far as I heard, the gist of the matter wus that salvation came through license from publicans to sinners. When I awoke again he was still lighting hiis pipe, and as I took out mine lie passed back my box— empty. Luckily I 'had others. After I had lightedi up he borrowed another —and emptied it—likewise two or three more before the year was out and I left the train at Frankton. On a later trip I met the same gentleman, same impudent roving eye, same sniff at the stations, still borrowing matches. I told him we were passing Te Aroha: tourist resort, mineral springs, home of Mr Williams the poet, cows in the country, name signified lovely-maiden-not-averse- to-canoodling. He begged me to say r:o more; the information I had given him was more than ample. He had already written a scintillating article on Te Kuiti, my. remarks having served as the text. Could I oblige him with a match ?. I emptied half my supply into his box, and now the ungrateful villain goes about telling people that, having given him a miserable one, I locked the remainder in my travellingbag. Also, he persists in mocking Trulyruralers he never saw—for I am convinced that the writer in the "Hereald" and the borrower or matches — not to mention other thinigs are one andi the same. Now, .if he hadn't been so busy smoking my matches and airing f«ncy ™f°: lo'cry I could luivo demonstrated that even Paeroa has brightness—in spots. Aβ for Te Aroha—the man who insinuates that it is behind the times should have his head read. The place is all a-tremble witn en-

[Br. A. V. Burton, in " Te Xroha News."]

' ergy; you can hear the wheels go round. The Chamber of Commerce meets oince a month; waits an hour and a-quarter for a quorum; discusses the Wild Oat for an hour; and goes home by way of—the Hot Springs. The Wild Cat is the name for a train known only to old residemts. It crawls out of Paeroa the

day before yestereday, meanders through Te Aroha between sunset and sunrise, and leans against Franikton. the day after to-morrow. The people canH help it; Mr Hi ley is to blame. Once a month the Chamber passes a resolution that the railway authorities be requested to whip up the Cat. It is pointed out that people travelling by her get tired of seeing the same faces for so many diays at a time. Even in the early days, when the whisky was worse than it is now, the place tried! to wriggle along quickly. About once every three years those of the Old Pioneers who can remember that they lived in Te Aroha then have an anmual picnic and wax reminiscent. They ®ay it used to be a mini nig centre. The boys decided that there should be a rush, and they took every "precaution that nobody should 1 sleep at the critical moment. Accordingly an old cannon that had somehow been acquired by the Maoris was' crammed to the. muzzle with blasting powder. One of the natives was handsomely tipped and promised lashiams of grog to apply tihe match. There followed a roar that was heard) at the Thames; all Te Aroha rushed to stake out claims; fragments of the gyn fell miles away; the Maori was never seen again. But why multiply instances? This town has always been trying to hurry up. The Government and the railway authorities and the silly land tenure have merely retarded its advance. And now the "Herald" comic man has the cheek to come along and grin at it through a horee collar from the platform of a railway carriage! I have already explained . how he studies geography- and smokes -borroTved matches.