THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXXV, Issue 44, 10 July 1915, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

FOUR National Reservists and a piece of string represented an intricate military problem to a non-com. in a shed on the Domain recently. The order went forth for the Reserve to "fall in," but us the total of all Reservists in the vicinity was four they were fallen in on the flanks, with a piece of rope in the interval to represent the armed men who were willing (aye ready!) to die for their country. Even the order to "fall in two deep" was not understood: by the intelligent portion ot the half platoon represented by- the rope, and when the rope was told "on the command 'form—fours!' the even numbers will take a smart pace to the rear with the left foot and'a smart pace to the right with the right foot" the rope wouldn't do it. When the command' "For bayonet exercise—prepare!" hurtled thimigh the atmosphere, the rope blushed but nothing else. When the rope was used in direct frontal attack the Turks could, of course, be swept clean out on, the grass, but when it was a case of column of sections the harmlessness of the hemp was pitiable. One suggests that each member be given a bit of string to tram at home. A skeleton army is as useful in a bedroom as in the field.

The late proposal to "electrify the gear at the Calliope Dock is worthy of a combined effort of th: 1 advanced intellects of the community, and if somebody could suggest driving for diamonds in Mount Victoria, or washing Cheltenham beach for gold, or distilling sea-wa-ter at Narrow Neck for consumption in China—good on them! The gallant shear legs at Calliope are called upon to take a lift once in four or five years, and this constant use of the splendid landimark is proof that electrification is urgently required. One never knows when the North Sea Fleet may want a lift The point, of course, is that as electricity is available on that side of the water it is "good biz." to sell as much of the current as anybody_ can be made to take, and if the shearlegs should be required to lift anything before 1925 why not get them ready for the ordeal now?

Enthusiasm for a good cause is just as marked! in Australia as in New Zealand, and very practical methods for augmenting patriotic and other war funds are taken by the "hearts of gold." Messrs Friend Brothers, of Eubindal Station, Binalong, N.S.W., lately offered the use of an area of land, the seed wheat and! fetiliser, if the local farmers (assisted by station plougmen and other hands) would plough, sow and harrow it. One hundred acres of the best land of Messrs Friend's holding, 70,000 acres in all, were chosen Nineteen plough teams, eight drill teams, and three harrow teams (in all 136 diraught took the field), and the whole of tHie 100 acres was ploughed', sown and harrowed ma day. The proceeds are to go to the Belgian Fund and Wounded Australians Fund. The day was a gala day in the district. Mr H. Leslie Friend, of Auckland, is one of three brothers who own Eubindal Station.

The London "Times" of October 3, 1798, contains the oflicial_ news of the "glorious victory obtained by Admiral Nelson over the French Fleet near Rosetta." It also contains a report of the anniversary celebration of "the birth of H.R.H. the Duchess of Wurtembergh, their Majesties eldest daughter," when

all the nobility went to Weymouth to see the sports. The German idea of feeding the stomach obtained. Here are the sports:—To be played for at cricket, a Round of Beef, Each man of the winning side to have a Ribband. A Cheese to be rolled down the Hill —Prize to whoever stops it. * * * A Silver Cup to be run for by Ponies, the best of three heats. A Pound of Tobacco to be Grinned for. A Barrel of Beer to be rolled down

the Hil—Prize to whoever stops it. A Michaelmas Day Goose to be dived for. A good Hat to be Cudgelled for. Half a guinea for the best Ass in three heats. A handsome Hat for the boy most expert in catching a Roll dipped in Treacle and suspended by a String. A Leg of Mutton and a Gallon of Porter to the winner of a Race of 100 yards in sacks. A good Hat to be wrestled for. Half a Quinea to the Rider of the Ass who wins the best of Three Heats by coming ml last. A Pig prize to whoever catches him by the tail. And in 1915 we are scrapping with the interesting hogs whose ancestors occasioned! the sports. * * *

In the same issue of the "Times" this interesting paragraph occurs:— "Croydon Fair commenced on Men-

day, where many things besides walnuts were cracked, as a few months hence the churchwardens will testify. © 6$ © ' '" Shoreite: I note your reference to the road making methods of the rejuvenated Devonport Borough Council. You mention that the shingle, metal, mud, or whatever it is that is being dumped on to the hard roads will wear into holes in six months. May I say that a sample of it occurs near to the ex-Mayor's residence in Calliope Road and that

after being laid! one week the roadway is in a much worse condition than it has been for many years? I make no accusations of any kind. I merely say that Devonport knows no other method than patchwork and that it is still patching in, the worst possible way. A few months ago it "did" a mile or two of "footEatJh." The old holes that were so eautiful a feature of the paths are exactly as they were. If Devonport had taken that footpath cash and beavedl it in the sea it would have been quite as usefully "spent."

Up in the North Tau is regarded as the Dictator of New Zealand. And so ihe is, as witness: Some of those interviews with "Cabinet"

have been extremely illuminating ones, and have led, so it is said, to some disconcerting differences of opinion". •••' The question at issue, presumably the amount of the booty, is not known, but at the finish didn t old Tau let-his black orbs flash defiantly, wave his arms excitedly, and coolly remark, "Very well, then. Kapai Sir Joseph Ward." What is the inference? Moreover, what has the future in store?

Until recently the steamer-trav-elling public have kindly consented to share the cost with shipping companies of paying stewards their wages. The tipping iniquity—nay, theft—is being abolished and the shipping companies ordered to pay luggage jugglers and; plate manipulaters a Hiving waget. /Shipping companies based' their scales of pay on an actuarial' calculation of the tips extorted by stewards. Stewards kept a "bunce" book, and the '_good marks''—'passengers who tipped handsomely—were known all over the colonies. You could be certain of being absolutely neglected if you did not "tip." Now that this form of theft—forced on ships' servants by the companies—is abolished, the poor man is as likely to get attended to as well as the rich man. Most decent stewards do not regret the passing of the "tipping" abomination. One steward said: "If you buy something in a shop you don't expect to tip the shopman for doing his plain job, do you? Why should you pay a steward for doing something he signs on to do?" If, therefore, any steward sidles up to you with his broad white palm extended, look him straight in the eye and pass on. He is trying to be illegal with you.

Landloper: "Mil-hand's" par coi cerning the folk who spread queer stories about this fair Dominion calls to mind an extraordinary effusion which appeared in a West Hartlepool newspaper just after the famous raid of the "baby-killers" on that town. It commences: "One of 'my lads' went to New Zealand a few years back and' he has taken his courage in both hands and has written to the local paper there (New Zealand has in relation to population more newspapers than any country in the world!). The letter is as follows: T was told that New Zealand was a British colony and that people here were more loyal than in any other British Dominion. Heaven help Britain if such is tjhe case! The bulk of the population appear to be under the thumb of the Germans. ... It is very amusing to me, an ordinary Englishman, to find how absolutely under the thumb, of the Germans some of the leading people here are. There are Germans in every position of trust under the Government of this country Army, Postal and Justice Departments. Lawyers are afraid to open their mouths in case they lose German fees. . . . The morning paper here tells me that the bombardment of West Hartlepool was merely an incident in the war, and practically did not matter. A mere matter of 150 West Hartlepool people being killed and woundled does not matter, it appears, to anyone out here. Halt of the poor, weak-kneed things appear to be pro-German.' " A simple case of foolte rushing into print where wise men scatter ink warily.

The accuracy of the medical examination of recruits cannot, of course, be questioned, seeing that medical officers are well paid for making it, and are all honourable men who would hate to take money not earned. The friend of a young recruit, whose statement may not be questioned, knew this boy for a long period, and knew also that he was unable to lift one of his arms above his head. He was astounded when he discovered that this youth had been accepted for service. "How on earth did you get through with that arm?" he asked. "The doctors didn't ask me about it, and so I didn't tell 'em!" he simply replied.

When Professor Warley, of the A.U.O. showed the interested audiences at his two lectures how chlorine gas was produced, and let loose an amount of the pernicious stuff in the lecture halls, there was an inclination! on> the part of not a few of those present to leave the hall swiftly and silently. _ The gas was, however, sprayed l with turpentine, which rendered it quite harmless. Not so cautious, though, was a Southern teacher who conducted experiments with the gas in a classroom, and invited one of his pupils to sniff it. The immediate result was a letter to the Westland Education Board l from an enraged' father, who also enclosed a doctor's bill, which was for a considerable amount. He asked for compensation as well. The Board' has now got its brains at work and is holding a special enquiry into the matter.

Amazing, but entirely characteristic of Mr Malcolm Ross, the official Government correspondent with the New Zealand 1 troops, that the first words oi his first letter to New Zealand should be the name of his own eon. Malcolm had no time, of course, to dispose the forces, and so himself is not mentioned. However sorry one may feel that a finebreezy youngster like Noel should have sustained injury, one is amazed that an official correspondent should use the job for which he is handsomely paid to obtain a family advertisement. It is possibly a thing that no other journalist in Australia or New Zealand would have done. For weeks prior to this letter, which is heavily paid for by the people of New Zealand, the daily papers teemed with letters from ordinary, everyday soldiers (some since dead, poor fellows) of greater merit and excellence, more intimate and quite as human. Apparently the New Zealand forces, as far as the official correspondent is concerned, is a small family affair, and its name is Ross.

Mr Gunson may have noticed that a Chinaman in Wellington was knocked down by a motor car while dodging an electric street car. The excellent Mayor will acknowledge that no cities in the world outside New Zealand allow motorists so much license to kill or maim people. If Mr Gunson will stand in Queen

Street for ten minutes on any day he will observe that the motorist is not in the least concerned with the tram passenger, and dashes past a standing tram while the people are alighting. Only, the quick brains of Aucldanders save them from daily deaths. Will Mr Gunson take this matter seriously, and bring up these Prussian automobilists with a round turn? Will he move in the Council that a new clause be put in the bylaw to the following effect:—"Any person in charge of a power vehicle travelling on any road in the City of Auckland in which there is a tramway line shall bring such vehicle to a halt at any section of the road where an electric car has halted, and shall remain stationary until such electric car is again moving." Why Auckland motorists are allowed to keep passengers on, the eternal jump, heaven (and Mr Gunson) only know!

The ways of the Civil Service Commissioners are past finding out. Lately a man employed in the inspectorial branch of the Education Department applied for leave to attend the deathbed 1 of his father. This gave the Red Tape Department an opportunity of stopping five days from his annual leave. The only point worth considering is that men in this branch of the public service generally work from 10 to 12 hours a day, are constantly on the move, and take work home to do at night. It is a peculiarly fine example of what can be done in the way of "rubbing it in" when three men are well entrenched in Wellington. Reminds one of the old story of the workman who was blown in the air by a missshot. The foreman stood with his watch in his hand. When the man was being carried away by ambulence the boss patted him on the shoulder.. "You're fined a quarter for being away from your job without leave!"

A woman on "Sale's" fever is raging once again, and the busy housewife is rushing from shop to shop looking for bargains. Yesterday I received an urgent message from a friend inviting me to DO the sales. I have never been keen on remnants, but this year times are so hard that I considered a penny or

two saved would be a consideration. By the end of the day we had col- ' lected our spoils, and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves in the discussion of how they were to be utilised:.. "It's tlie age of odds and ends, dear," said my companion. "But for all that, I'm. a little bit concerned as to how to reconcile my guilty conscience to the actual use of all the remnants which have emptied my purse and will fill my wardrobe tonight. Anyway, we've have a glorious time, and have fairly revelled in the fighting spirit of the sale. I didn't really want that piece of blue brocade until I saw that the woman in the sealskin coat had set her heart on having it. Then I went for it tooth and nail, but I really don't know how I'm going to use it."

I made several suggestions, but she hadn't made any decision when I hurried her off to the dress counter, as I had been waiting for the sales to get a couple more yards of material I had bought a week ago-. The.price was reduced' by 2d per yard. My friend and I passed on, lind five minutes later I discovered that I had left my umbrella behind. It was, of course, gone, and so my 4d saved must go towards a new gamp. While at the next counter looking at some cheap blouses, a woman rushed up and breathlessly asked the saleswoman if she had seen her new ramcoat, which she was sure she had left there. She also was disappointed, and muttered something about wishing she had kept away from the sales. I heard of numerous other articles being lost through people being so- engrossed in pulling over baskets of oddments that they quite forgot to take care of their possessions.

Apropos of which, some women are peculiarly smart in obtaining possession of unconsidered odds and ends. One woman, on a certain occassion drew £60 from the P.O. Savings Bank. She went to a desk to write, put the notes down, hung her gamp up by the crook, and' put a parcel of new boots alongside. Then—like a woman—she went back to the teller's counter. When she turned round she observed a real lady getting away with her gamp and rushed her. "So sorry," said the lady, and' hand-

Ed it back. What she did not hand back was £60 and a parcel of boots. Since which they have been missing.

Mr J. Hop, the active and intelligent constable, is again in a disturbed condition, and worries a good deal about promotion and retirement and all that sort of thing. Perhaps its the wet weather, or not being allowed to go- to- the front, or corns, or something. The real root of these periodical complaints is the method of promoting constables to plain clothes and detective jobs. New Zealand takes J. Hop because he's a large, strong person, able to physically quell an average man and to do various exceedingly important duties. It selects from this branch its detectives —a palpable absurdity. It trains a man to become a detective through long years, and then wastes the whole of the training by "promoting" him to be a uniform sub-in-spector, It is tantamount to spending ten years in making a man a first-class journeyman carpenter in order to promote him to be a master plumber, or teaching a boy to be an engineer so he shall know how to sell groceries. A special detective branch where there is no regulation as to size—but where special brain qualification are necessary—is the only cure. A man doesn't find out who committed a murder because he's six feet tall and wears No. 12 boots.

C.E.S. writes:—That hospital ship of ours is costing about £44,000 odd, and it is to be as up-to-date as work and skill can make it. Curious, however, that the plates and mugs from which wounded soldiers are to eat and drink are to be of tin—the or dinary everyday bush pannikin and plate. Perhaps it doesn't matter, but some people are saying that "chemical action" will make these utensils undesirable. Pensonally, I ate and drank from these utensils for some years, but certainly I didn't have bullet holes through me at the time. May I assure you, however, that nurses, doctors, officers and ship's officers will not use these tins? I know that many people are willing to buy more inviting utensils for wounded soldiers, and I may assure you that on British hospital ships no tinmonger need apply. Perhaps some favourite Reformer has a line of tin pannikins and tinkling pl&tes he wants to get rid of at double rates.

George S. Titheradge and Alien Doone (says the Sydney "Theatre' ) are the best stage priests Australians have seen. Theirs are different priests,certainly—each being governed by his own individuality, and marked by strong personal characteristics. ' But between the two there is nothing to separate them on the score of merit. • The writer is here speaking of Mr Doone s performance as Father Whallen That is by far the finest thing he has yet done in a clerical direction.

Eily Malyon, who plays Fraulein Schroder in "The Man Who "Stayed at Home," now being produced at the Melbourne Theatre Royal, made her first appearance m Australia as a member of the company of Miss Ethel Irving, with whom she came from England. Subsequently sbe Mr Julius Knight in "iVlilestomes" and other plays. Mn>s Malyon is noted not only as a-clever actress of "straight' parts, but aiw> a fine exponent of character role.

That "A Scrape o' the Pen has hit public taste in Sydney is evident (says Sydney "Telegraph"), and it sate to *W have enjoyed the delightful humou and clever characterisation ot tne Scottish play will repeat their visit to the Palace Theatre. A big tactoi in its success is the introduction ot interesting touches of pathos as well as comedy, which serve to show that SeS a httle Scotch town » not bo very dissimilar at bedrock to that in In Australian hamlet. One affecting scene is that in which the lullaby is sung by the heroine. n pU tin<»- a little motherless bami to sfc and the round of applause that fo£ it every night is tne outburst of the feelings or the audience. Tlie scene brings back memories of childhood, llie stage to the better for productions such as Graham Moffat has given Bimg Pulls the Strings" and A bciape o tlie Pen,"

A loss of approximately 10 pa cent, has been experienced by J U.S. Government on account of tie operation of the .Panama Canal duii/rg the first eight months Ihe canal authorities announce that up to let March the earnings of tolls fell short of meeting the «*««»* operation and maintenance by _Jbi,----098 9 dollars. From Ist July, 1914, to Ist March, 1915, the total expenditure attributed to #,erauo.i ana maintenance was 2 > s^ 6 ' bl ;^Jf in lars The total earnings ot tolls in JS'period were 2,334,516.24 dctorsIn other words, the . Govcin ment has lost approximate 101 pel cent. Toils earned dunnfi Maicl , 1915, amounted to 560,784. Jb Uo-i lars. The cost of operation and maintenance has been estimated at approximately 425,000 dollars, lis would carry the total ioi nine months to about 3,020,000.

The Gaiety Theatre ™ London' which was the scene of the gieat George Edwards successes, has ,cen roooened by George Grossnnth and SS LLriUarS, They are producing i-in - i* tne NiSit " in which Grossnnth did well in New York, and the pair propose putting on musical productions of the type which became popular as Gaiety pieces some years ago. \ictor Gouriet, who was here m The Merry Widow," is in the company.

Towards the end of tlie year Juhuj Knight will begin his New Zealand "small town" tour. _#, $ ® New Zealand will probaWy seethe spy 7*7, "The Man Who Stayed at Home," in September.

It is worth recording, on the peri n-n+Wi+v of Eugene Walter, sonal authorixy 01 ■ i,+ +lnt the the American playwright, that tlie idea of the drama "Paid '" J JI" was given to him by Mies y^ 1 , 01 Greyt the actress who played the principal role in this city.

E. J. Carroll, who brought "Bunty- Pulls the Strings" to Australia, and also "The Rosary," has gone to America to see if there is any new attraction to be picked up for Australia.

Mr Harcourt Beatty, who will be remembered in Wellington, for a number of fine exhibitions of historic ability, and particularly for a splendid piece of character work as John Shaudiin "What EA'-ery Woman Knows," has g;-one to the front. For some time before enlisting he was acting ais a special constable in London.

Encouraged by the success of the Paul Stanhope Revue Company, the Fuller Proprietary has gone further into this class of entertainment, for it has now engaged the Bletsoe Burlesque Company, which is at present producing a new revue, entitled "Palmistry Up to Date," at the Bijou Theatre, Melbourne. Another company on similar lines, in which the principals will be Bert La Blanc and Carrie Moore, is being organised and rehearsed at the National Amphitheatre, Sydney, and will be sent on tour over the firm's circuit almost immediately.

The woman producer at last! "Ma Mie Rosette," one of the most bewitching audi musically false inating of the lighter class of comic operas, is staged under the direction of Miss Minnie Everett at Her Majesty's Theatre (says the Sydney "Daily Telegraph"). This is probably the first occasion upon which such, an experiment has been tried in any of the principal theatres of the Commonwealth ; but it is no neAv experience for Miss Everett, who successfully produced "Puss in Boots" for the firm in South Africa. For a number of years Miss Everett has arranged the ballets and marches and groupings for the big Williamson spectacular pieces. Miss Everett was one of the original cast of "Ma Mie Rosette" in Sydney.

Harry Corson Clarke and his wife Margaret Dale Owen, who i>la.yocl "Get Rich Quick AVallingford" right here hi Auckland, have fluttered down in N'York—yes, sir! Harry tickled me to death while here by being exactly the kind of chap he is. He was a clothes prop, because it advertised him, he lost millions of dallas worth of joolery at Auckland Grand Hotel (I shoud smile) because it was a good ad., and he jest naterly rubbernecked around he ah, giving me to understand he was going to plant a whole bed of stock dramatic companies right here in Noo ZillancL—all for advertising. Harry had with him a pink faced youth who talked the great Amurican language with a pronounced Yorkshire accent. He had been in America three weeks before he joined Harry, and Harry jest naterly schooled him up, so that when he met boobs like me he could paralyse them with his Noo York fluency—my word!