THEY SAY

Observer, Volume XXXIV, Issue 23, 14 February 1914, Page 7

THEY SAY

—That dogs are now used as policemen. They are strong on the " collar."

That " Professor '' Mils is lecturing on the way to industrial peace, without having found it.

That Cann is the name of the New South Wales Treasurer. He holds the "tin." Tin Cann !

That the humour of newspaper headings still continues. " Separated while absent" has a charm of its own.

—That "King" Barry, of Waihi, caught a kingfish five feet long. This is almost half as long as King Barry himself.

—That eighty doctors from Australia attend the Medical Congress in Auckland. The Australian death rate is at present very low.

—That another rise in the price of motor spirit has been recorded. If this goes on petrol will have to be addressed as " your oil highness."

—That any excuse will do ! When the earthquake happened in Wellington all the churches were emptied and tho " fourthly and lastly" did not occur. That the next Medical Congress will be held in Auckland in 1989 (or thereabouts). Many :of the present delegates are refraining from booking hotel accommodation for it.

—That Southern bowlers are greatly disturbed at the suggestion of " green prohibition." As a concomitant of the rolling bowl, the flowing ditto has always been popular.

—That Lord and Lady Kilburn, of the navy, will live in New Zealand. Good democrats may discover their relationship by searching "Burke" and " Debrett " in the Public Library.

—That a N.S.W. medical man gazing long and ardently at a tablet bronze in the vestibule of a celebrity murmured "It may be just senility, but my diagnosis is partial paralysis." —That General Godley, the Mayor, and Mr George Eliot, having sampled the delectable Fijian " Kava " should have no future difficulty with kerosene, cayenne pepper and Rotorua mud.

—Tbat quite a number of the " Kmits " are anxiously inquiring if there is likely to be any need for " specials " to measure slit-skirts with two-foot rules. "Foot" specials, of course !

—That according to the " Herald" "an empty house " was lately robbed of a number of valuable articles. After that the pastime of reaping diamond rings from the atmosphere should be general.

—That it is, of course, impossible that the members of the Otahuhu Borough Council who voted for the 11 o'clock billiard room closing could be speaking from the " pocket " point of view.

—That according to a gifted contemporary " a Chinaman was observed to place sixty or seventy pounds in a handkerchief with a bland smile." Evidently this was the kind of smile that will come off.

—That during the past few weeks the Devonport Borough Council has discussed the destruction of every tree on Council property in the borough. They regard every natural beauty (except the Council itself) with detestation.

That a dentist has a hand-to mouth existence.

That the latest malady is the Turkey Trot leg. Next we shall be hearing of the Bunny Hug bunyan.

That there have been severe earthquakes in the South. Auckland land agents report no movement in land here.

That costume skirts are to be worn longer this season. This is the best news paterfamilias has received for many a day.

That there is an unprecedented rush to the bankruptcy court. The man who starts a J61,000 business on .£l2 nearly always gets there.

—That William of the Hayfork will almost immediately visit his own electorate. This is the second time during the century he has been at home.

That those cheerful doctors believe (but do not necessarily hope) that smallpox may come back to Auckland but after all vaccination fees are awfully small.

That a trio of crude and unlettered labour *' leaders " devoured young Premier Holman with eager eyes at the Sawbones' function in the Town Hall. Nothing 'orny 'anded about him.

That the new level crossing regulations insist that the traveller (as well as the Government) shall " keep the matter steadily in view." Pedestrians should be mounted on stilts and carry field glasses.

That "the French family consists of three—a piano, a dog, and a baby. Monsieur plays with the d6g, Madame with the piano and bebe is handed over to the servant." Almost reads like a Remuera item, what :'

That no appointments will be made to the Legislative Council till .lune. But Guy and Graves were in the front row where William of the Hayfork could see them on Monday night—one vast appealing smile.

That a remarkable placidity ol s t*mperament appears to .afflict the high and mishty counter officials of the Shortlaiuf Street branch P.O. Nobody need wait more than 30 minutes ti be attended to.

That a new use has been found for the aeroplane. An aviator the other day committed suicide by jumpping out of a flying machine when at a height of 2,000 feet. This neAv metho i should relieve the rush on lysol.

That the " lady " who looked equal to striking the tram conductor on a car the other day when he asked for " Another penny, please, madiime," should remember that "punching " is a conductor's duty.

That a pushing land agent, with some properties to sell, advertises, " Why pay rent ?" Yet the same gent., at the end of the week, would probably turn you out if you hadn't your rent ready.

That at the inauguration of the Medical Congress in the Town Hall organist Maughan Barnett suddenly stopped playing in order to give the specially-invited and well-bred guests a chance to gabble. They gabbled no more.

That the Hon—er —Heaton—ah Rhodes will endeavour to establish a radium laboratory for the cure of cancer. The evening he said so an American cablegram mentioned that a Congressman with ten tubes of radium in his cancerous shoulder had died.

tliose who desire to give piesents to visiting bandsmen should try soap, elothesbrushefs, hairbrushes, bcotbrushes, razors, and other common necessities to a smart and soldierlike appearance. Weary Willie in commandeered finery is not a circumstance to it.