THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXXIII, Issue 10, 16 November 1912, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

WHEN the Speaker finally left the chair the other day, the House of Representatives met for the discussion of the Auckland Domain Model Pa Bill. The Eight Hon. Albert Edward Glover, K.G., M.T., etc., etc., Premier, had selected a new Ministry. The Bill, framed by Mr Blair, barrister at law, was introduced by the Hon. Algernon Cholmondeley, who wasn't present, and the interpretation showed that "Natives mean and include members of the House of Eepresentatives, rangatiras, wahines, haptis, and common or garden tangatas of the aboriginal race of New Zealand, and include half, three-quar-ters, five-eights, and full castes, but shall not include any wahines registered under the Barmaids' Registration Act or its Amendments. Tikis mean and include ticks, fleas, bugs and beetles, and include also hei-tiki, whether actually in hay, corn or other cereals, but shall not include taniwhas or blue taipos, the product of waipiro.

Pa means a village or collection of whares, or the like, but shall not include Mr C. J. Parr, or any former Mayor of Auckland, or any promoters of any rival model bill, nor shall the expression "Pa" include "Ma," or any parent of any child or children, male or female, and so forth. A large man with a large beard on his chin, a large cigar in his mouth, and a large hat on his head, was discovered in possession of the " Hansard" gallery and was about to be thrown out by the Sergeant at Arms when it was discovered to be " Uncle " Colvin.

Tβ Eangihiroa explained the Bill, but Mr W. C. Buchanan, of Wairarapa, interfered early in the explanation to point out that Dr Buck, while advising them to get back to the primitive still "had 'em all on/ Dr Buck

said if the poilce would clear the galleries he'd soon alter that (sensation). Tom Wilford got in the best joke by asking if in the interpretation, of " natives," the term included a man who had a Maori pa and an Egyptian mummy. Dγ Buck said it didn't matter two straws whether his mummy was Egyptian or not as long as his pa was a Maori pa. Under the Bill, it shall be lawful for a committee of ten natives "to create other whare-kura's, colleges, universities, publio schools, public houses, billiard pohe, and two up schools, and to grant degrees, diplomas, and certificates guilt-framed or otherwise for proficiency in all or any of the above arts and services and also in heraldry, geneology, gastronomies, theology, tohungaism, witchcraft, labour legislation, and tourist leg pulling in all its branches.

The pleasant little squatter village called Erewhon, which nestles in the Hawke's Bay district, got socked by a beautifully executed confidence trick a week or so ago. A courtly and welldressed and middle-aged gentleman drifted into the hamlet and quietly informed the interested inhabitants that he was a doctor and came from a very exalted English family. His allegation was supported by half the alphabet straggling at the rear of his name. The letter convinced everyone. Sunday after his advent he decorously attended church, and had a heart attack. The parson assisted the afflicted but distinguished stranger from the building, and confidence was sealed. He told the parson he was a retired doctor seeking rest, but he would be only too glad to give his services to members of the congregation and others who might need them, without charge, of course.

He was taken into the hearts and confidences of the elect at once ; he visited the sick and many became quite well—some of them presented him with cheques jfor considerable amounts, not as payment, but only as advances against a draft of ,£SOOO, which he was expecting any day. Then, having collected the cash value of the autographs he held, he disappeared quite suddenly, and it is said that many of Erewhon's inhabitants were greatly touched at his unexpected departure and still speak of him in feeling terms.

Most of the provincial and country press is at present busy warning the Powers not to get mixed up in the row in the Balkans, advising the Greeks, Bulgarians, etc., what to do and calling the Turks opprobrious names. The Wanganui "Herald" does not differ. In a recent issue it stated that the Turks had only "a veneer of Western progress," and "at the first touch of the bayonet the veneer is broken. . . . And the ferocity of the savage is exposed. " One is inclined to believe that at a touch of the bayonet the veneer of even the most progressive westerner would be broken and he would be liable to display ferocity on short notice. Such an incident as the breaking of one's veneer per bayonet would forcibly remind the quietest person that placidity is only skin deep.

The Christchurch lady who applied for a separation order on the grounds of her husband's objection to soap and water and general malodourousness evidently had just cause for complaint she declared that to her knowledge he hadn't had a bath for twenty years. The defendant made the plaintive objection that once when he had hurt his arm his wife had "washed his neck several times," but he couldn't recall the time when he had last washed himself all over. Possibly he. looked upon water as a dangerous substance, which might penetrate the skin and cause dropsy. The woman who endured such a domestic atmosphere for * twenty years is a touching example of devotion to duty.

Passengers by the Pupuke are awarded the patronage of the engineer in chief of the dredge every morning. The prominent official who proceeds to his duties per motor launch causes his minions to bring the launch close under the eye of the passengers. His commanding figure heroically outlined against the sky, and in a pose suggesting Ajax defying the lightning or Caesar addressing his generals, is the occasion of admiring remarks. Should he remove his cigar to greet the passengers of the Pupuke with a graceful bow, they go to town feeling that the trip has not been in vain. It is one of the distractions of the voyage and the time must arrive when every lady passenger aboard the Pupuke will carry a camera as well as a lunch bag.

After, all, why shouldn't the Hon. Rab. McNab be paid for his researches into New Zealand History, and give those Parliamentarians who object to the Government's free publication of his compiled records something definite to protest about ? Said that the Hon. Rab. has declared his intention of doing no more record compiling for the State, because he objects to the allegations of semi-graft, but it seems rather a pettish objection, though naturally there is no particular reason why he should go on doing valuable work for nothing. Presumably his intention is to go on writing books from the material collected in his researches into this country's past and having them published (at his wn expense) in America. All the Hon. Rab.'s books on New Zealand's history have been published at his own expense—it is only his collection of records that were published by the State, and why the State shouldn't hand out a bonus for

work performed isn't clear. Anyway, it seems certain that if this country wants any ancient records collected and compiled in future it will have to pay, since Eobert McNab has refused to permit his hobby being worked for the public profit. The Hon. Rab.'s writings are not remarkable for style or any other literary merit, but they are solid value to the future historian when he comes along with his faculty for transmuting the dry bones of dead romance into living literature.

The New Zealand youth is not deficient in respect for his superiors, and he does revere them that occupy the seats of the mighty, as is indicated by the answer which a sixth stai lard boy gave in a Wairarapa school. He was asked the meaning of the word " Creator/ , and replied that it meant " The Supreme Being," whereupon the teacher asked, " And who is the Supreme Being ?" "Mr Massey," said. the bright scholar. This reminds of a local Sunday School teacher, who asked his class to tell him who was the King of Kings. One small boy quickly volunteered the information that King George was the sovereign thus designated.

The perambulating pub, consisting of a man with a bottle of whisky who after statutory hours awaits the person with a thirst and sells him iinlicensed nips, is known to the police (and the thirsty ones) as a " lighthouse." There is no doubt that the " lighthouse" flashes otit frequently in •this city and the fact reminds of a "capture" (hitherto unrecorded) by a young and zealous constable. . His suspicions were aroused when he saw a man at 12.30 a.m., attired in working clothes, produce from his pocket a bottle which after some little conversation he passed on to another man who took quite a big ' swig." The constable was sure he saw money pass, so he stepped up and demanded the bottle. He smelt it and looked surprised. He sampled the contents. " It's cold tea !" he said. "It is/ returned the alleged lighthouse," and the two wharf labourers chuckled hard.

" Spruiker " attended an auction sale of plated goods, etc., in Queenstreet and was so fascinated that he stayed all the afternoon. He describes the method of disposing of the wares : There are two gentlemen on the platform besides the auctioneer. There is one gentleman down below to show the article being sold to the Cockey from Wayback. There are four or five gentlemen apparently (but not really) belonging to the public who stand in the front of the crowd and who quite unaccountably start the bidding for any article put up at a price above its value. The only reason for the employment of the gentleman with the hammer is to strike the rostrum violently the very moment a genuine bid is made. The wheeze of adding a cruet or a flower pot and two half-crowns to the " bargain" is as old as the hills—but it passes very well with some people. I make no complaints. If this sort of thing is legitimate and the public like it, let 'em have it by all means. And I presume it is all quite in order since an auctioneer's license (costing -£40 or so) has to be obtained and the police take no hand.

" Amphibian " rises from the mud, rubs the moisture from his eyes and growls :—"ls there anything worse in the way of roads than the . piece over which passengers to Pevonport must go to reach the boats ? The footpaths don't exist, and the road is a series of mud-holes. At night time the floundering public is in the worst fix. There are no lights of any consequence in the vicinity, and the despairing people from the theatres who get the late boats arrive on the uninviting wharf (great heavens, what a wharf !) caked with mud. Couldn't Auckland become civilised or something ? Even if it tried to be fifth or sixth rate in regard to much used roads and lighting, it would be something to go on with. That road reminds me of a back street in a fourth-class Turkish village in midwinter. l

In the wilds of Kohimarama there dwells a dog. His name is Spot. He is a very clever dog. He goes fishing on the new wharf. A few weeks ago he saw his master take down some fishing tackle and he barked the first bar of " To-morrow will be Friday." His master went fishing, accompanied by Spot. Spot sat and watched. When a fish was hooked Spot welcomed him to earth with a concert. His master, leaving the line fast to the wharf, retired temporarily to dig worms or something. When he came back Spot was holding the line in his mouth feeling for a bite. His master retired out of sight. When a fish was hooked, Spot made a half hitch round a bollard and barked. Every time a fish accepted the invitation Spot barked. But a few days since he surpassed himself. His master baited the line, threw it in, and made the shore end fast. Spot took up the line in his mouth and sat down waiting. His master retired. He soon heard a bark, but when he arrived Spot was running down the wharf with the line in his mouth, hauling in a fish ! Mr Michael Walsh, formerly of Auckland, but now of Kohimarama, gentleman, who owns Spot, believes that it is only a matter of time before Spot will be able to take a fish off the hook, bait it, and throw it in again.

Three hundred cordite cartridges were found in a rubbish tin the other day at Parnell, and the " Herald" really did feel horrified and wondered what dreadful things would have happened if they had been deposited in the destructor. No doubt the horrified public in its mind's eye sees a great chimney tottering to its base, the destructor yard strewn with dead and the Victoria Park covered with wreckage and gore. As a matter of fact, beyond a few "pip-pops" nothing serious would have happened at all. Soldiers on service are constantly called on to destroy rifle ammunition, and they merely make a big fire, throw the

cartridges in, and hang round and watch them burn. They treat cordite with.-such familiarity that they light their pipes with it, and are not averse to it for eating purposes. It produces a "head" that the worst kind of whisky hasn't a chance of equalling. But nothing dangerous would have happened to the destructor if a few shovelfuls of cartridges had been thrown in the furnace. They wouldn't have fractured a single brick.

Said Hori : "Py korry te prenty pig plurry tief in Akarana. Last time I bin there I go in a prace where the terra he sell te umbrella, te silver pot an , te cold watch. Py korry te pig crowd in there. Te ferra he etan' up and say, ' how much you give for tis ¥' an' he say when you buy the pot or te umbrella he give it te half a kerrown too. Py korry, I tink tat te plurry kood pisness. Werra, te proke he hold up te gold watch, he say it te solid roF gold, how much you give ? J±e say it wort te fiver- My wor, I tink 1 like te watch. Werra, ferra he say he give two poun. Anuver ferra he say he give ten pop more. A man he terra me tat ferrate dummy. I say ' no !' tat ferra be te Chew, he no give too much !

" Py korry, I tink I get that watch cheap. 1 sing out '.tree poun'.' Te auctioneer he pang his fist an' say it mine. I give 'im tree poun' an' take te watch. Werra, I take te watch home to te pah. Korry, he te plurry .riar tat ferra, I wear te watch tree four day and he not te rol' gold—he te prass. Py korry I wild. I swear. I preak te watch. Arana, she my waIxine, she raugh an' say I te plurry tool. Py korry, Ino fool—te ferra in Akarana he te tarn tief, he te riar. Nex' time Igo to Akarana 1 tink I tell te preece."

Noticed that Wellington's councillors have decided to shed some light on the level portion of Newtown Park so that evening sports can be held. This, it is alleged,. __will . r ' popularise the Park/ but even without the aid oi ; arc-lamps the big domain is v ~i>opular at night, and no doubt there.are some who will resent further light being shed on the subject. All the same, the idea is a good one and can be commended to Auckland's directors for consideration. To enable people to indulge in, or watch, op§n air sports in the warm nights of summer would be generous and fatherjy. Of course, the city wouldn't mak&yftny profit on it, but the people would' get dividends in healthy out-door amusement—in the windy city they xeckon on paying the cost of lighting from the increased tram revenue provided by Park habituees.

A lot of people are wondering what has become of Mr Semple's " trump card," which he was so confident of a while ago—it doesn't seem to have been played and the general supposition is that he was putting up a bluff on a poor hand. Another opinion is that he made a mistake in thinking clubs were trumps, when it happened ;to be spades, and that in any case, (playing clubs, he found t.ie police had ■the better hand.

It is no wonder that the average man regards the average parson, particularly the parson of the more limited non-conformist sects, with bewilderment, for the average parson shows such a remarkable inability to understand ordinary human nature, which enters largely into the composition of the average man. The recent conference of Baptists, which was held down in Christchurch, was held up while a parson named Lambert discussed the enormity of smoking. He said- it was "another evil that had to be faced" (presumably when Prohibition is satisfactorily carried) " and the sooner the church dealt with the question the better." Then, until the President told them they were wasting time, other earnest and peering brethren rose on their hind legs and moaned about the evil habit of smoking. One of them said " he had never met a man who could say anything in favour of the use of tobacco." All they could say was, '" I like it." It seems quite a sufficient reason for the average man, and probably the parson who drinks tea and coffee couldn't find a better reason for his use of those deleterious stimulants. Soon, owing to the impassioned efforts of these saviours of humanity, we shall all be like unto them. Let us wowse.

Those ladies who bought their real musquash fur coats last winter will be glad of it when they learn that the price of superior rabbit skins has risen on account of this year being a close season for opossums in Australia, and that consequently there is a likelihood of a rise in the price of musquash, furs. For those who don't see the connection it is explained that no one shoots or traps the dear little musquash because the sweet little beast has never existed, those cunning little heads one sees hanging on musquash muffs and tippets, something like a cross between a ferret and a fox, are only a figment of the furrier's imagination — but it must be admitted that rabbits" and opossums' heads wouldn't look nearly as well. This will also serve to inform the Dunedin scribe who sent through the message about the rise in choice rabbit skins, that the skins are not in demand for making "imitation" musquash fur, they are required for making musquash.

Magistrate Bishop, the Christchurch Stipendiary, evidently knows little about reporters. A witness in a case herd before him said her son-in-law " had given her 5s to keep the case out of the papers." The dear good magistrate remarked, "Five shillinge -won't go far amongst three reporters.' The suggestion being that if you made the bribe big enough the reporters would jeopardise their job and their souls by neglecting their duties. As a matter of unpleasant fact, every reporter of any length if service bae corue across the person who d?e;rod to bribe him, but the reporter who did the

itching palm act would 1. Stand a nrst-ciass chance of being sacked, and Z. Joe assured 01 tne contempt ana disgust oi every man who wields a nib ana would be ostracised. In tne case in wnicn Mr Uisliop evidently believed tiie bribe oaerea was too small, tne reporters inaue a ruiJ. note. They nave a habit oi "rubbing it in" to the attempted briber. I'nere is a very well autnenticated Auckland case, where a noted local philanthropist (who is a very good modern combination, of atiggins, Chadband, Pecksniff and Shylock; getting a complete surprise when he handed M as tne price of silence. The ' silence " that ensued was the douuest variety oi silence known, ana Snyioek Has been most iaithluliy ana iuny reporieu ever since, bless his neart, with tne iuii concurrence and to tne utmost satisiaction oi proprietors, editors, sub-euitors and the public. ,r. •,■■••

It is likely that the good ladies of (Jiiristchurcn vvlio iut upon the idea ox iorining a syndicate lor tiie importation ot domestic servants didn't Know tiiat there is a JJominion. law against indentured labour. But the

"■ Canterbury Jjoniestic Syndicate," acting in conjunction with the "British vv omen's HJniigration Association,'' , uiu iracture the law by bringing the girls out under bond to serve twelve months with members of the syndicate, or be lined. .£2. Woman's meanness to woman makes countless thousands rise up in wrath, and the terms of the syndicate are evidence of this common lack of generosity. The passage money was «£4 16s—this, of course, they have to refund in instalments, but girls who paid their own fare must, it they decide not to work for the syndicate, refund " the cost of their introduction, including £2 10s paid by the syndicate to the British Women's Emigration Association/ -, Presumably, the £2 fine comes on top of this. It is a hurdle that would keep most of the girls inside the syndicate's corraly but as there is reason lor suspecting that the business cornea under the head of indentured labour and is therefore illegal, the generous mistresses can't enforce any fine for breach of contract.

Lex : I do hereby affirm that the Dominion of New Zealand is divided into districts, to each of which a Judge is appointed to administer the law at Supreme Court sessions, and I submit that though in theory there is a judge to every district, in practice it is not so—the justices take up the work of any district as it may most conveniently be arranged for them, and that in consequence they are continually travelling outside their districts and are therefore entitled to an extra two guineas a day as allowance (besides travelling expenses) for additional work incurred. I further submit that two guineas per day represents fourteen guineas per week, and that considering that judges are frequently working in districts other than those theoretically allotted to them, the two guineas per diem must mount up to a handsome addition to salary. I would further remark that if intentions were carried out the work of judges would be confined to their own districts and there would be a saving of money, even if another judge and district were created—and they are needed in this northern quarter of the country.

" Maire" describes a court scene: Whangarei Courthouse was the scene of a funny little incident the other day. His Worship of the occasion was a gentleman who had risen to the high and becoming office of Justice of the Peace, and the sole delinquent who appeared on the memorable occasion was a debutante inebriate. "It ii» a serious ofience," said His Worship, as he cast a severe look round the court. Then came a pause. " Where's the book 1" continued His Worship, addressing the Clerk of the Court. " What book, sir V was the reply. "The book, sir—bow dare you, sir'/ How dare you, I say?' " Oh, yes sir—the consolidated Statistics. It was at your elbow —no, well, I will get it immediately, possibly, it is in the library, sir. The clerk withdrew. Then came another pause.

The next official to incur His Worship's displeasure was a particularly rotund policeman, who was propped up against the wall. " You, there !" commanded His Worship, fiercely, " don't stand there gaping! Hunt round, can't you 1 How dare you sir—how dare you, I say I" The policeman left hurriedly, with a vague expression on his face, suggesting that he might have a slight difficulty in identifying the precious volume from a wheelbarrow. The shades of annoyj ance were fast appearing on His Worship's countenance. The day was hot. Three flies with apparently no feelings on the question of contempt of sourt were endeavouring to alight at one and the same time on the shiny surface of His Worship's head, and further conflicting emotions were rising within hibreast at the thought that a rival purs veyor of garments might soon be doing a roaring trade with a party of Maoris who, from evident sounds beyond the sacred precincts of the court, were passing up the road.

Then a harassed clerk of the court and a bewildered policeman suddenly reappeared and announced that no trace of the much-sought book could be discovered. " I saw it close beside you this morning, Your Worship," said the clerk, apologetically. "How dare you, sir? How dare you, I say 1" thundered His Worship, as he shook one fist ominously and at the same time standing up. " There, Your Worship," cried the clerk, triumphantly, " you have been sitting on it all the while." " Silence in the Court," said the policeman, who had once more assumed a comfortable position up against the wall. Then the business proceeded.