THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXXIII, Issue 4, 5 October 1912, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

A' TAKAPUNA lady, whose husband is a distinguished ornament of the law, lately proceeded to town to purchase a st>rinK hat. Possibly several thousand ladies have done likewise, but. that is nei her hire nor there Ttatofb. erected the creation despatched it to Devonport under the that hpinff suringy it would walk from tne wharf to theT Lake. Anxious enquirthlSection and had transported it upnortl Ostensibly the b«t .thing £t7?a£ r r:«c < conveyance to its rightiul owner.

It was, therefore, carefully despatched ncr Pupuke to Bayswater and the eminent lawyer and his son watched it with ceaseless vigilance, seeing it stowed on the back of the steam car. On the way the eminent lawyer, anxious about that hat, proceeded to the rear to gaze on it — it wasn t there! Hβ instituted enquiries. " Was it a big white asked one witness in the car. lee. "Well, it blew off at Bayswater ! In despair the guardian of the hat gave it up. Some person at Bayswater was astonished to see a white box rolling towards him. He captured it. bubsequently it reached its destination. The hat guardians were much relieved. They had lived to do their duty anyway.

The civil servant, whose largest exertion is putting on his coat at 4.55 and reaching for his envelope on payday, is possibly going to become as extinct as the dodo or the moa. The other day Minister Fisher said that

when lie was in the service a man was therein employed who reached for .£275 a year and was supposed to address envelopes for his money, but that the gentleman who earned his salary (and addressed the envelopes for him) got .£SO a year, having, of course, passed the necessary examination. After sfll, that isn't a unique case. In one department an expert" worked for fifteen years and was when last heard of relieving the country of .£250 a year. His department head never on any account permitted him to do work in which he could make mistakes, and so used him as a sort of well-dressed and glorifaed stamp-moistening machine, varying this useful avocation by despatching him on messages to see •if the sun was setting or whether the buds had burst, er if the pavement was in the same place as formerly. Of course, it is nowadays absolutely impossible tor a man to annex the country's money without adequate return (cries oi " Oh !"), and the old order of rushing the most incompetent with the fattest job has died out. m

Everybody knows the yarn about the navvy who was shot into the air at the end of a charge of dynamite, the " boss " standing with his watch in his hand to note the time he was ' off, so as to "dock" it. Here's one about Auckland Harbour Board s kind consideration of its hands. A party found it necessary to be in the haTbour in a boat. It was rough weather. The boat overturned and the men were thrown into the water. They were very wet. One man rescued two of his mates. Some of the men were unable to return to duty at once. The rescuer was "docked" six and a half hours.

The dignity of a Borough Council lately received a small fracture when a letter was read from an infuriated person stating that he would shoot the Council's ranger full of lead if he interfered with his straying stock any more. In order to prevent -murder the council wrote to the man with the' supposed gun saying it wouldn t tolerate any such threats and passed on to the next business ! When the man with the gun draws a bead on that ranger, all he has to do is to produce the resolution of the Board, mentioning that it won't tolerate his unpleasant conduct. It would be as effective as the " How dare you ? as a weapon against a criminal with a butcher's knife and automatic pistol.

Coroner Gresham lately remarked at the inquest on a child killed by a tram that parents and teachers should warn children of the danger of trams. It is something of a marvel that little children — obviously of respectable parents—should be allowed to wander about unattended. A day or two since two email children were observed at a Queen-street rush hour bowling hoops among the traffic—about the most dangerous pastime youngsters can indulge in in a traffic way. By the way, there is a kindergarten school near Victoria Park, where the lady teachers quite understand their responsibilities, always accompanying the little drove of kiddies across the tramline and shooing them home and watching them into safety.

It ia so seldom the European sees his " keppigie " man relax, or his "starchem ironem " merchant throw his cares to the "wind, that it surprises him to witness John at play. The large heap of John let the long-handled shovel stuck in the turnip patch on Monday and the merchant's clejk who wanted a clean collar to meet his moonlight girl, did no business. The "gluttonous Orientals" (as a clerical brother might have remarked) enjoy themselves much in the way that their less yellow brothers do, and the accumulated smile of the picnickers on Pine Island illuminated Auckland's Chinese countenance like sunlight on a rich golden cheese. Although the picnic menu did not include baked puppy or even the greater mandarin luxury of fricasseed birds' nests, it was ample, and the "flolen devil" who partook essays the remark that nothing was wanting'(including lemonade) to make the picnic a fitting celebration, of China's loss of pigtails, and the death of the Manchu dynasty.

Unlike their Australian brothers, the new republicans forgot to indulge in the bamboo race, in which the contestants carry about scwt. of vegetables at a rattling trot over a distance, the winner being entitled to a year's special privileges in the fan tan emporiujms. A distinguished visitor was Lieutenant Pow, a Chinese officer with a trio of medals, and a commission, who, however, is now engaged in the peaceful pursuit of beheading cabbages and tickling the banana into ripeness. The number of crackers and other Chinese delights that exploded reminded veterans of the fall of Carthage. A witness of the gay scene has classified the Orientals into "young and old" Chinese, but the European who knows a Chinese from his grandfather has yet to be discovered. Times were on Pine Island when the liquid sustenance was harder than, on Monday, for the Oriental indulgeth not in cherry brandy, when his clerical white brother gazeth on him, and presses him to his bosom, as it were. .. Mr George Cham has promised that his four hundred million countrymen will never again call us "foreign devils," although no one knows why they shouldn't if they want to. We gave them opium if you remember. Anyhow, the collar goes once more to-the tub, and the long-handled shovel is again in commission. Long live the Kepubljo }

Strange things happen in Greymouth. The Greymouth " Argus " tells of "a rather daring robbery" that occurred in a Eeefton hotel, " whereby an Assyrian named A. Ainsey had his bag, containing goods to the value of «£0 stolen." It goes on to say : " The mysterifying feature of the affair is that no strangers were seen about the hotel, so that there is no clue whatever as to the identity of the culprits." Besides the suspicious lack of strangers about the hotel another " mysterifying " circumstance is the placid faith the "Argus" has in the integrity of the indigenous inhabitants of the township. Evidently the " Argus " has no bad debts from Eeefton, which is almost as " mysterifying" as the smallness of the burglar's winnings, which may have been 19s though the "Argus" leaves it an open guess with' never a clue.

It's a pity that our parliamentarians don't know how to be witty. The Ministers, especially, for they have so many opportunities in replying to fool questions. Perhaps some wit exists in the present administration, but it is considered to be "not quite the thing " in a House where the highest form of humour that is generally understood is the retort personal and slang-whang. They seem to have a better understanding of the use of words in the N.S.W. legislature. A ponderous member asked a Minister if it was true that no fewer than three charges of explosives had failed to explode on a certain Government works. The Minister replied that the report of the engineer stated that only one charge had failed to do business. "I think it is right," he continued, " that the hon. member should also be informed of the fact that the handle of a shovel was recently injured on one of the sections by being trodden on by a horse."

Some wonderful and altogether unbelievable yarns about the incapacity of the modern emigrant are being told of late. No cockney importation could possibly be quite such a fool as the tellers of tales commonly make him out to be. A cow keeper from Hawke's Bay, whose veracity it isn't safe to doubt, has a new yarn wherewith to season the drinks. He says he engaged one new arrival per medium of the Labour Department, the said new-chum having averred that he knew all about farming. He arrived, and the first job given him was to milk cows. The cocky says that when he strolled round to see how the man was getting on lie discovered him sitting watching the empty bucket while Polly, with her head in the bail, was wondering why the fool didn't begin. The boss stood back and watched. After about ten minutes the milk-charmer arose and said, "I don't think it's any use waiting any longer. I'll try another, this one must be dry." He tried two others with similar success, and then the cocky strode over and asked him what the objurgation he thought he was doing. Then the new-chum, confessed. "Fact is, mister, I don't know much about cows. Is there something you turn on ?" We don't believe this yarn.

The borough of Newmarket is making feverish efforts to bring itself into position as one of the habitable places of the globe, and doesn't omit to notify the fact to the adjacent populace. Now, according to the sanitary inspector, " the borough on the whole is keeping well to the front in sanitation and fourteen tons of refuse'have been removed to the destructor during the past fortnight." This speaks highly, very highly for the sanitary condition of the borough. Indeed fourteen tons of refuse per fortnight speaks for itself. Newmarket should be proud. In quantity it probably beats any other circumjacent borough, though in high quality of superfluous matter thereJ ie Ipo doubt that the record is equalled. m

Cheering to note that local bodies who are asked by the "Hands-up Association " (otherwise the Peace Council) to kindly advocate immediate lowering of the British flag as soon as the first shell drops on New Zealand soil are disposed to say " Peace — be still I" One Taranalri body rose on its feet to say that there was no place in New Zealand for the youngster who wouldn't fight for it. Whereat the printed applause is deafening. People with their eye to the international keyhole are at the moment saying that the clash of German and British armaments is irrevocable, and it is possible they know as much about it as the New Zealand Peace Council. In the unpleasant contingency of the National Peace Council wanting protection ot its hearth, home and flour bin, it is presumed that the National Peace Council would chase the enemy with a peace resolution passed at a meeting of three spinsters and a few members of the third sex at" Waimukariri. "* * *

" Lex " writes : — Sir Eobert Stout loves to talk. He prefers to give homilies and to tell people of their little failings. He spoke on some subject at New Plymouth rcently and his discourse soon developed into a discourse of thrift. "What a different country New Zealand would be," he said , " if we were all thrifty, if we lived our lives simply," etc. It would be a different country. It would be a much less developed country with few of the graces of civilisation and a dour population. If the virtue of thrift were sedulously cultivated in this country, so that no one bought unnecessary things, but made a prisoner of every coin, more than half our industries would go bankrupt and others would die of stag-

nation. The alleged virtue of thrift is very much over-estimated. Civilisation and all its arts are due to thriftilessness and love of amusement, and if civilisation is approved then approval should be given to all those thriftless people who cause the coin to circulate with profitable rapidity. Thrift isn't virtue, it's treason against the State, and it is the circulating medium of banks that prevents parsimonious people from ruining trade. Stock-ing-storers are bad citizens and all the world hates a miser. * * *

This is how Hori excused himself to the Gisborne Rabbit Board :—"Having much sorrow that your letter handed to me late, and I could not answer it quick before the 81st August to be in your hand; that you have told me in your writings and it would fined for <£20. One reason is that my place is seven miles from the post office, the post oflice mistress use to give to somone else, and that makes it late."

A provincial paper tells a story fairly well known to racing men, as though it happened at a country race meeting a few days ago. In case the said paper should have had its hypothetical leg metaphorically pulled, this journal tells the yarn, which is of a track habituee and stable companion known to track frequenters all over the country and familiarly and habitually called "Billy the Bear." Billy who'was noted for quick wit, was. an assiduous attender at race meetings, and, with others, was sometimes forced to observe the sport outside the club precincts. It was at a small Marlborough meeting that Billy and two friends were following the neddies from the wrong side of the fence—in fact, they were in a paddock sacred to the needs and disposition of a particularly misogynistic bull. • • ■ •

Just as the horses were stringing out along the back one of the trio of necessitous pals made simultaneous exclamation and bolt for the distant gate ; the others, startled, turned and saw that the cause of the sprint was the bull, which was hastening upon the intruders. They followed the first break-away with expedition, Billys short legs thudding in the rear. About thirty yards from safety the leader cast a glance back and saw the bull gaining, " Hurry, Billy," he shrieked, " he's gaining on yer." " Bli me, dyer think I'm runnin , a bloomin stoomer," gasped Billy, as he stumbled through the fence.

All the girls in Messrs Dash and Blank's (the rather well-known hardware merchants) are giggling over the story of Annie and her Ponsonby car ride. Annie is always beautifully dressed, although, of course, the back of her skirt is a little shiny where she sits on the stool when she types for dear life. When she got on the car at the ■ Wellesley-street corner there were no seats, and she spied an elderly man she knew. " See me get a seat/ she whispered to Pearl, her companion. She nodded and smiled sweetly at the elderly person. " Take my seat," he said rising, and Annie sank into it with a triumphant smile. "Yes," said the elderly man, "you must be tired—on washing day, too. Still your mistress is very good to let you out shopping, isn't she ?" The unregenerate men on the car giggled, and Annie disappeared at the next stop.

The quaint methods of the Eed Fed. induced them to send a couple of sandwichmen, attired in " orthodox prison clothes" about Wellington streets, to attract sympathy to the Waihi "heroes." It is a punishable offence for any person not entitled to wear the King's uniform to appear in public so clad. Presumably a man can pretend he is a convict if he likes. It is a fine point.for the Commissioner oi Police.

The dreams that win races and tell the blessed recipient the number of the winning lottery ticket are generally regarded as fictions that are strangers to truth, but one well - vouched for is alleged to have occurred at the Avondale races the other day. lhe divinely favoured dreamer is a resident of Fiji, who comes to Auckland whenever he can, and when he doe> usually has the luck to strike a race meeting. He was on the boat and m his bunk when the beatific vision showed him a race crowd and revealed, to his aural sense a mighty shout oi " Tragedy King easy/ . He had never, he avers, heard of the horse, but he made enquiries at the meeting and found that such a horse was running in the Maiden Plate and decided to put a fiver on the hint of the ghostly "guesser," who may have been the spook of a departed track frequenter The horse paid the biggest divyy of the meeting and the brother of the successful dreamer is now sorry that he used such a term as silly tool. The yarn was given by the visionary to a local lawyer and "a horse owner, among others, and no sensible person would tell an unveracious story to such sceptical citizens.

Taranaki is a place where they milk cows, and have the routifl-the-moun-tain cycle races. These long-distance rides are a great blessing to the population which flocks to see them in scores and families. It seems that occasionally the curiosity of the denizens causes annoyance to the nders when they stop for refreshment At a recent round-the-mountam ride the inhabitants of Opunake .crowded round the cyclists, yaupmg in their faces and poking them to see if they were real, and showing their appreciation in other little ways recognised in the code, of manners of the Opunakeds. One who pitied the scared and protesting cyclists and wiehed to free

them from the excited denizens let loose a.couple of rats. Evidently he knew the habits of the strange race of people, for in the joyous ferocity of a rat hunt they soon iorgot the cyclists, who soon made their escape in quick time. It is said that such is the love of the Opunakeds for rat hunting that they will even forget milking time in the chase of the rodent. The story of the cyclists' narrow escape from the Opunakeds is guaranteed by a Taranaki resident.

The daily educator of the inhabitants of the city of Hokianga is guilty of unconventionalities at times and seems to possess that rare thing in New Zealand journalism, a sense of humour, as once when devoting columns to a visit from the Governor and family it indulged in such sacreligious flippancy as to comment on Lacty Joan JJickson-Poynder having a hole in her stocking. One of its latest samples of urbane satire is its appreciation of a box of chocolates which had been discovered on its doorstep. In thanking the anonymous donor for the gift the thunderer said that it was all the more appreciated by the staff on account of its being a change from the usual doorstep deposits, which mostly consisted of hairpins and small handkerchiefs. Evidently the portals of the Hokianga tale teller are conveniently secluded.

According to the Opotiki ■" Guardian's" weighty judgment on the result on the Egmont election : "Mr Wilkinson's accession to the ranks of the predominant party in Parliament will strengthen the greatest political force in iMew Zealand to-day. " The Observes, hastens to agree that the result is quite different to what it would have been had it been otherwise, and ventures to assert that as far as the Government is concerned the position is much better than it would have been had it been worse. With regard to strengthening the political force, one is bound to admit that, given two numbers, one greater than the other, the greater number is the larger, and that by adding one unit to the greater number its greatness is thereby increased — we are pleased to be able to remark that the logic is unimpeachable. „

"Hardships?" queried the grey beard. "Hardships otf the gum-, fields ? Blime l" He looked at the sun through the bottom of the. tumbler. " I've 'ad nothin' else for years — always wither a dash. F'rinstance: There was that bottle I was keepin' for me roomertism ; made sure of it by plan tin' it in a sack o' gum. But some low down dago muster seen me through the winder, an' w'en 1 was havin' a bitter shut eye he shook the bloomin' Btuff. An' I wakes up to find the sun teariug down; the inside of the whare like a stokehold, and ther nearest pub. forty miles away. Hardship? I don't think! Then there was the time I went mates with Kiwi Tara. Fer a Maori, he was a good workin' bloke, an' ther only fault 1 found with him was that he uidn't wash enough. Ed buy a pair of dungarees, and w'en 'c took 'em off-at th' end o' six months they'd stand alone. He was a great sport and uster tork about a cove called Tatts, wot sold tickets on racehorses, or something like that. He got on me nerves at last, and, ter keep him quiet fer a bit, I went 'arves in one of those tickets. Never thought no more about it till one day 'c comes up with a bit o' green paper in his hand. 'ETama,' he says, 'you see te numa, one tree, one tree; py corry, 1 tinkum te good luck, eh ? Kapai you stickem on te wall." Every day after that I'd look at the 1313, and think about the time I'd 'aye if we struck a win. First prize was £5,000, an' I'd picture meself payin' back the quid 1 owed fcmorky Smith, buyin' a bottle o' scent for th' Maori tart at th' pah, an' goin' to Auckland in the saloon like a bloomin' good un. I'd 'aye no end of a ' jag.' " Kiwi comes back from Whakakarapa one night with a crayfish an' a piece o' paper printed all over with the names ,o' racehorses. His eyes were bulgin'; and no wonder, for there at the bottom o' ther list was: ' Th' winner o' th', first prize £5,000 in the Melbourne Cup sweepstake was Mr Kiwi Tara, No. 1313.' We aid four hakas round th' whare, an' I goes out ter catch me horse. 1 could hear his bell ringin' in th' ti-tree " He sighed. "What's that yer say? Not much of a hardship '! No ! But, blime 1 That bell. It was ringin' on th' alarm clock at six in th' morning." And a thin ray of sunlight glinted on a falling tear. Te Pan a.