THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXXII, Issue 52, 7 September 1912, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

THERE is an air of mystery about the Reform headquarters —to wit the Political Pharmacy where Premier Massey enquires of his trusty follower (when he is in town) how the last public pill he prescribed acted on the body politic. The pharmaceutical Eeform Intelligence bureau is buzzing with the news of the imminent welcome to Pitchfork Willie and Graves Aicken has his forces well disposed. Bob Farrell's countenance is to be seen and his voice heard directing Eeform operations about the staging which is so striking a feature of the Political Pharmacy and which shall presently ring with the oratory of the Premier and the loud huzzas of the populace. ♦ * •

" Sartor" writes : Put me down as an advocate of dress reform. When I get into Parliament in less than three years' time, I'm going to introduce a bill assuring compulsory adherence of classes to a distinguishing garb. Today the only branded persons are parsons, policemen, soldiers, postmen, tram men, . etc. Unless you are keen, you can't tell a gentleman from a land agent, or a lady from a woman, or a woman from a person. When I was young people were proud of their callings. A man even went •o far as to indicate it by-his way of wearing his face herbage. The only person who sticks to the "baboon shave " nowadays is the man who desires to advertise hie holiness. The uniformity of garb amongst men folk is most confusing. I have often been mistaken for Sir Robert Stout, although I am a plasterer. If they in- . sisted that Sir liobert should wear his " silk" on all occasions and that I should be prohibited from dressing like a gentleman, it would greatly simplify matters. Only last week a distinguished woman of noble birth arrived in Auckland per train. She was dressed like a person. Friends of the family, observing a gorgeously attired female, rushed her and called her r .'My lady." The latter was a barmaid. It's so confusing.

Interesting to note that that great vaudeville artist, Speaker Willis, of the N.S.W. Parliament, refused to admit some reporters to the House because the paper they represented criticised him. The curious thing is that while" Australian papers object violently to violation of their privileges, they don't retaliate in the only way that would settle the politicians once and for all. A little unity among the newspapers either in Australia or New Zealand would quell the turbiilent politician and put him in nis place. Imagine Speaker Willis or any of his fellow comedians roaring at an empty press gallery. A press that contained no report of Parliamentary proceedings would relegate the turbulent gasbag to his proper domain. A press gallery strike once occurred at Perth. Parliament immediately closed down. It's no good wasting speech on the desert air. * * *

Supposing a man was stepping along to Ms dinner on pay night, with just a couple of friendly drinks beneath his belt and a policeman halted him with the observation that he was suspected of being an escaped lunatic named Ginger Smith, would that man be mad ? This is not a conundrum, because the answer's too easy. So when the John Hop stationed in Manukati Road saw a red-thatched and apparently light-hearted man coming towards him, it was only natural that he should conclude that he was the notorious "Ginger," and charrage him with the oft'ince, his mind's eye seeing headlines : " Escaped Lunatic Captured A Smart Arrest—Constable's Heroic Struggle," and a column of description. Even the quietest and most domesticated of bald-headed males would show symptoms of insanity on being told that he was a person whom he had never had any . intention of being, and red-roofed men are liable to get very annoyed. The man whom the daring John accosted naturally gave a display of annoyance that confirmed the constable s suspicions, so he was pushed into a lock up. Identification proved him to be no relation to "Ginger/ but as a man can't very well be charged with " being in the police cells without lawful excuse," and as something had to justify this man's detention, the constable just told the truth about the uncomplimentary language flung at him while in the execution of his duty. The magistrate didn't charge the man anything for his temporary lodging, and he left with the full intention of, in the future, looking as little as possible like an escaped lunatic—particularly "Ginger."

r Auckland Provincial No License '. Council has girded up its loins, selectj ed its weapons, and struck the trail in pursuit of liquor abolition. The [ curious attitude of No License Couni cils is that there is no other question worthy of consideration than liquor b abolition, , so the A.P.N.L.C. will hustle r to induce electors not to support a politician who won't push forward the bare majority idea. The inability of No License people to regard a member of Parliament as anything else than a person ] who is either a liquorer or a nonliquorer is most pathetic. From the no license point of view, land policies and general reforms don't exist. A , man is not to be judged by the general work he is elected to do, but upon his promise to ruin one specific business. } If candidates pledge themselves as de- " sired by the No Licensees, they should l pledge themselves to stick to the subject of No Liquor on the floor of the 3 House and not to touch general poli--3 tics. Even Mr Isitt, however, finds r time to say many very interesting " things about men and measures apart 3 from the overwhelming question of No Beer. * * *

There is a cinematograph instrument belonging to an American globetortter lying in bond at Auckland. This wicked person evidently wanted to steal bits of our scenery to show to his friends in New York when he got back to his own drawing room. Our lynx-eyed Customs officials, shuddering at the thought that Yankee millionaires might see the Buller Gorge without paying for it, ordered the traveller to pay up on his unexposed film. The tourist won't take any pictures, and the Customs are wearing their cheesecutters at an angle, confident in the delightful feeling that they have imposed a handicap on a person who dares to take a holiday.

* * * " Supporter of Dramatic Art " writes :—I feel certain that a very large proportion of the theatre-going public will heartily endorse your remarks in last week's Observes, under the J.C.W. heading. I for one certainly do. Dramatic art is fast being set aside for the so-called pantomimes, which when summed up are nothing more or less than an ordinary variety show, with a tinge of something spectacular and dressy business thrown in. " The same old jokes, the same old funny man." What I can't quite understand is how the public sit down quietly and pay the high prices for admission, and also submit to rows of seats in the ordinary stalls being annexed because the management get a higher price for them. I think the time has arrived when the City Council before granting licenses should insist on a plan of the theatre being produced, showing how the space i 3 allotted to the orchestra stalls, dress circle, ordinary stalls and pit, and compel the proprietors to adhere to same. I must say it is extremely hard on those who can only afford to patronise the ordinary stalls to be put far back under the dress circle to make . way for those seats that have been marked off at the higher price. This section of the community should make up their minds and stay away until a change is made.

i It was nice and thoughtful of the Harbour Board to give the wharfi lumpers the spacious top-floor waiting ! room on the wharf, but it is really ungrateful of the lumpers to convert it into a stadium, which is not its purpose within the meaning of the Act. ! No doubt the room is very serviceable as a place for the vociferating of s grievances and equally serviceable as ! ' a convenient spot wherein to settle disputes secure from the interfering man in blue, also it is useful as a resting l place for consistently tired people, but it was provided for none of these pur- ' poses, enjoyable though they may be. ' * * *

If the wharf lumpers show such a decided tendency to use the room as a sporting club, instead of gently waiting within its convenient shelter for something to turn up, well, the Harbour Board should consider the advisability of appointing a permanent evangelist to give improving addresses to the waiters every ten minutes. Perhaps the Eev. Mr Ready, or the Eev. Howard Elliot might take the matter up and call for volunteer preachers to give heart to heart talks continuously. That would effectually quell disorder and induce a gentle meekness in the lumpers. It might be even better if Mr Hamer's little chapel were used for the purpose for which, it was so obviously designed—a little Bethel with continuous sermons and the meeting room as a recruiting ground would be certain to have beneficial effects oh the unregenerate watersiders.

• * * Ideas change quickly these times. It is only a couple of years ago since Australia, decided that it was best to commence the formation of a navy of her own instead of subsidising the British navy, and the serious English quarterlies, and the dailies, published long articles condemnatory of Australia's alleged intention to snap the silken cords of Empire and bust up'the show generally. Retired admirals and generals and other hard-shell conservatives wrote long and anguished epistles to the press about Australia's disloyalty, and the faithfulness of the other dominions, particularly New Zealand, which refused to participate in Australia's nefarious scheme. But with the growth of armaments there has been a decided change, in tone this last year or so, and those Australian sham Liberals who used the shriek of " disloyalty" to scare Labour from office, are. silent under the weight of approval which has descended from British officialdom upon the independent navy idea.

* ' * * Even Canada found it necessary to follow suit. Our much belauded" loyalty to the Empire seems out of date now when an English admiral can Be approved for saying, as Admiral Sir Beginald Henderson said .at the. launching of an Australian cruiser, that " New Zealand's ' policy was a policy of opportunism, while Australia's was the best for the Empire and for the preservation of the autonomy of its uarts." Tarn Mackenzie will have to" think out some fresh advertising dodges or we'll stand a chance of being overlooked.

New Zealand is asked to take the League football game to its bosom and to kick Rugby into the dim darkness. After the splendid pantomimic imitation of the war in Tripoli, given us by more or less amateur prize fighters from Sydney last Saturday a number of people think that Marquis of Queensbury rules shout be adopted on the football field. Our Christian friends from New South Wales are evidently highly strung gentlemen who view possible defeat as an insult to be wiped out with blood. A couple of forwards believed the occasion was one for a thumping match and got in some pretty work. The boxing experts of the press must be turned on to do " League " games in future. A tackle was a deadly insult and a New South Wales man who felt a detaining hand played football by hauling off and smiting the tackier.

The Walers obviously came to Auckland for war and if it had been known earlier, that they desired battles, the New Zealand Boxing Association might have arranged a series of bouts in the Town Hall. To mix the sports on the playing field is not good management. Two " gates" instead of one might be gathered if the Walers had their fights out in the ring and their football in the field. Little outbreaks of battle all over the field advertised the League game. Walers said the Auckland men obstructed and held that obstruction should be met by destruction. Is there any reason why the Walers shouldn't wear knuckledusters ? Could not they each carry a club or a sock full of broken bottles ? Couldn't they bring Woollomooloo to our front and prove what a high class sport football might be made ? On the whole, the visit of the gentle missionaries from the Mother State should be taken as a text for little lectures in all our best Sunday Schools.

A. F. Ay son's hobby is oysters, he is Inspector of Fisheries, of course, but his marked preference for the gentle bivalve causes him to ignore the claims and grievances of the hapuka, the blue cod, the modest flounder, and similar worthy fish. One can't help feeling that they don't get a fair deal from Mr Ayson. He says that " while many people in Auckland are inclined to complain of the scarcity of fish, they fail to remember that the supply ot oysters during the past few months has been greater than during any other season," but as most people don t find oysters a convenient fish diet for their families, one doesn't see how the superfluity of oysters compensates for the scarcity of real fish. But Mr Ayson seems to think that the father of ten ought to be dashed glad to be able to feed his family on oysters at a shilling a dozen. The parent, however, doesn t share Mr Ayson's and would prefer flounders at a shilling a bunch, nor care whether the Inspector credits him with a mean soul. A good supply of oysters will for some time to come, ' said Mr Ayson proudly, but as everyone is heartily sick of oysters, nobody cares, besides the whitebait season has commenced, and there is scorn preparing for Mr Ayson's pets.

Mayor Parr is enthusiastic about trees, bless his heart, and has almost threatened to grow gum trees for street blocks. But the gujtn that grows on the banks of the Murray is of very different texture to the gum that grows on the banks of the Waitemata. It almost reverses its habits by being sappy outside and harder in the centre. In Australia the opposite is true. Still as New Zealand can't restore its native forests, and is still knocking them over and burning them, the gum tree offers a partial solution. It grows like a weed, and if Mr Parr plants now, we may be rolling comfortably over our home grown blocks in say 30 years' time.

" Hydro " makes a .quaint suggestion — " Lake Takapuna is leaving us and apparently in a few years the old hole will only hold salt water. Apparently, the salvation of the lake is to keep the level of the fresh water up. Couldn't tke local bodies concerned politely ask the Rev. Mr Mason to " divine " some artisian water (if there is any in the vicinity) and the authorities pump into the lake as well as pump out of it ? There is going to be a tremendous population at the Lake and at Northcote, Biti ken lead, and Stanley Bay, so soue v ny of ' supplying the supply ' will ' , j"« to be found.

Counsel in a divorce suit the other day mentioned the difficulty of getting witnesses to trot up to the box and tell all about it. They don't like their names in the paper. Quite reasonable too, but the majority of New Zealand papers no longer string out details of matrimonial smashes and very often witnesses are not mentioned. There is no compunction about the ladies in the gallery. Reminds of a dead and gone judge who was dealing with a particularly unpleasant divorce case. Counsel said, looking into the gallery, "I respectfully suggest to your Honour that these details are unfit for the ears of ladies." His sarcastic Honour lifted his eyes to the mass of Spring hats in the gallery. "Every LADY has already departed, Mr Wig." There was, a large rush of Spring hats for the door.

The person whom compunction never fastens on is that unnecessary product of civilisation the private detective, who is to society what the " guesser is to racecourses. He requires no skill except the finesse of the born sneak, and he has at times had harsh words ladled out to him by judges. The private divorce detective is not always above making trouble out of the smallest circumstance. His motto is ' more divorce, more pay, more dirt, more gold." Somebody once suggested that the private "sleuth" should be bound to apply to the .Commissioner of Police for a license to practice and should pay a stiff fee for the privilege, and, anyhow, suspicious wives and distrustful husbands might interview the organised police before deciding on the investigator who is going to make them happy or unhappy as the case may be.

Mr Hine is the champion mare's nester of politics and is in a fair way to break all records—even that established by the late Thomas Taylor and his underlings. He is able, with great precision, to locate a new mare's nest every week and he does it for the sheer joy of the thing. The latest evil due to the maladministration of the Liberal Governments occurs in the Civil Service, naturally. He discovered that on special holidays those civil servants who keep working draw double pay, and he said that' recently 30 men took a holiday and 400 remained behind to draw the double screw. Mr Laurenson very gently pointed out that Mr Bine was quite right in his figures—only he had misplaced them, 400 took the holiday and 30 remained to do necessary work.

He suggested that the Grout G;tft Charger sliould be more ceriain ol 1-m facts before he rose upon his i.iiui to address the House; ivmrni bir Joseph concurred and said that, having discovered that only 30 uuniemained to do urgent work, a refutation of these latest " Hine Charges ' should be obtained from the head of tlie department against which the 05".0cp. is laid. If Mr Hine continues t* an assiduous mare's nester le vrih icse even the political rep lUitioa i* hts, though it is so small that it doesn t seem likely that he, or any one else, will miss it when it is dropped.

The question is, "did the Harbour Board offer its launch to the police free of charge ?" Commissioner Cullen considers that it was understood that no charge was to be made for the use of the launch as a harbour patrol boat. The Harbour Board says nothing about any such agreement, except that the Police Department can have the use of the launch on payment of working expenses for twelve months, and after that it will have to buy a boat of its own. It is probably business on the part of the board but it does look as though it were dodging its promises, for when harbour piracy was common a couple of months ago, and people were inclined to blame the board for it, a semi-official utterance appeared in the press stating that a launch had been offered to the poke but that they had made no attempt to avail themselves of it. The implication was that the launch was a tree loan to the Police Department.

A few days after the notice the launch was put into commission and has been used ever since, but now the bill-has come in and the Commissioner is surprised and objects, per medium of letter, that no mention was made of payment and, further, if there is to be a charge made, the board should pay at least half because it is as much interested in the policing of the harbour as is the Police Deparment. Of course, the board is interested, but it is no part of its duty to subsidise the police for doing their natural work, for the harbour is as much under police'jurisdiction as any of the suburbs. The force and its accoutrements are the business of the. State, not of a local body, and whether the board did or did not promise the use of its launch doesn't matter, since it has dealt generously in letting the police have it on payment of working costs for twelve months. In that time the Police Department should be able to save enough to buy a launch ot its own.

Tne Waihi strike seems to have reached tJiat point when a hot word tuopped by an angry ex-inmer or an untuutiui action on tne part of a policeman might Dring those hidden aims out. idleness is the very hnest leixiiiser ox revolution, men get exoetumgiy tireu 01 playing billiards witn strike lunds, 01 spenuing nve or six Hours a uay throwing rope quoits over a peg, ana in " heading' pennies, iweii tne " upper classes 01 waihi are ieemig boieu and have been spending liiorft oi tneir time playing bridge and goii. tiince the strike the holes, on the goli links have been christened

'"cjheoi and "".iiaues" and." Uehenna, ' anu various names indicative ot frayed tempers. .feopie under these circumstances become childish. Mr Jfarry's remark that he would have a detective's ruse in keeping strikers ott private tracks is indicative ol the absurdities tliat occur when people are angry. The probability is tnat the Upper Thames tioldlielus are going to be run by ; tree labour and tliat the carpings ol the lted Federation will drop uovvn to a whisper and then to an ignominious silenoe.

A dreadful scandal has been unearthed in Devonport, and up to a recent date, caused a lot of chin-wagging at afternoon tea tables. It appears that a well kept white - whiskered gentleman is the victim. His wife had been in Sydney only a fortnight when he was observed constantly with a yellow-haired young woman ol great beauty. The fact that they invariably came to the city in the same boat and showed great att'ection for one another and that they were found walking lovingly arm in arm after . dark near Cheltenham Beach caused a number of ladylike eyebrows to rise in astonishment.

The owners said he was a naughty old man. " Who is she 't" has been the query in society. The aged gentleman's wife has returned and it surprised a little bunch of tattlers a day or so ago that she was met by the aged gentleman and this golden-haired woman and that she kissed her moat affectionately. In fact the marine suburb is very angry at the discovery being made that the wicked goldenhaired lady is the married daughter of the aged gentleman, and the elderly lady referred to, and that the tattlers haven't seen her for a long time, because she has been living with her engineer husband in Hong Kong for 5 years. Awful, isn't, it ?

It was a curious little discussion that occurred at the Eden Terrace Rd. Board's meeting the other night when darinage tenders came up for discussion. The lowest tender was nearly ,£2OO below the next and the engineer said the work couldn't possibly be done at the price without a loss to the contractors, who might not be able to complete the" job. Probably the interests of the ratepayers was considered, for the disproportionately low tender was accepted. There was nothing to prevent the board acepting the next lowest tender, except that they might be accused of squandering money and faking the job, but they didn't want to injure the poor workmen by taking their tenner, and they also wanted to keep good with the ratepayers, so they combined philanthropy and business by giving the job away at a price at which (according to the engineer) it can't be done. It isn't logical, but it's just the sort of thing Road Boards do.