THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XXXI, Issue 8, 5 November 1910, Page 16

THE FRETFUL PORCUPINE

THERE is a terrible lot of smug - hypocrisy and cant in this minion, especially in relation to gambling. There are men—aye, and women too—in this city, and jn every city, who weep crocodile tears of bitter woe over the iniquity of the " bookie," and who sob sonorously concerning the: gambling evil, but ■who at the same time never fail to invest anything from .five shillings upwards m Tatter sail's sweeps, and who know perfectly well that they are infringing the postal regulations by doing so. There are men who preach ->erfervidly about the evils of gambling, who are constant frequenters of the Stock Exchange and who are heavy shareholders in building societies and similar ventures. The place is.honeycombed with such hypocrisy. How many members of Parliament, who express holy horror at the idea of prolonging the existence of the tote and the * bookmaker, periodically remit their little bit for investment on "Tatts." ? . '•■.•.'. * The question of what constitues gambling and what does not, is one of the knottiest that ever existed. For instance, Magistrate Cutten, m giving iudgment in the recent pro ceedings that were brought against certain local billiard saloon proprietors, said : — " The weight of authority is, I think, in favour ot the contention that playing any game for a stake is ' gaming, and the amount of the stake does not matter." This iudecment has yet to Co to the Court of Appeal. It may be upheld and it may not ; but if it is we foresee endless complications. What, for examnle. is the definition of a "game" ? Also, under such a iudgment, if two urchins happened to" play a game of marbles for a pennyworth of lollies, they would presumably render themselves liable : for the lollies would undoubtedly constitute a stake of the value oi one penny—at least in the eyes of the lollyshop-keeper. This is only

one instance, but any amount oi others will at once become obvious. If; people generally made an attempt to De more broadrminded and less hypocritical, it would be a very good thing for the Dominion, which ous country, as things are, is rapidly being spoilt by legislation: which has apparently been inspired by extremists. " ,\

Apropos Of this question, a significant piece of evidence was adduced in the course of the Ryan de Groen case. Here it is :—" Mr Mays said defendant and his partner carried on the biggest bookmaking business in the Dominion. The loads of betting telegrams, betting slips, and the properly-kept ledger found on the E remises when raided, and also their ank-book (produced) all indicated that defendant's business was a very big One." From that statement it is perfectly clear that there are a vast numbor of people in this Dominion who want to bet, and who see no. harm in, betting. Furthermore, we fancy if some of the names on these books were published, they would cause a bit of a sensation,* and serve to prove the existence of the hypocrisy to which we have referred. And if Tattersall's' books were published—oh, lord !

Who says the Observer isn't a power for good? In our last issue we pointed out that John Fuller was in a low state of health owing to the continued absence of the Iris, and on the day of the publication of that issue the Tris came hurriedly scuttling back into port. Under the circumstances, there can be no doubt that we saved John's life, and we can only trust that he is decently gratefui.

Members of Parliament have been wasting a fearful and wonderful lot of time over discussing the Stone Quarries Bill, a measure that sinks into utter insignificance when compared -with some of the big and weighty bills that have yet to come before the House. They wrestle o'er this little Bill Like puppies o'er a bone ; The people asked the House for bread— It gave them but a stone. Such actions make. the folk feel sorry— The bigger Bills should be their "quarry."

They ran a Masonic shivoo at Henderson recently, which a lot of town visitors attended. Now, ■•' even in these prohibition days, no Masonic shivoo is complete without a modicum of alcoholic, refreshment, and these were duly, provided at Henderson. But the visitors' satisfaction was tempered with annoyance to find that there wasn't a drop of water procurable to mingle with the " erathur." Some guests adulterated the accursed drink with milk, but one forlorn and thirsty wretch, who has a prejudice against whisky and milk, was reduced to the desperate extremity of breaking it down with coffee. The cream of the joke, of course, lies in the fact that Henderson is in a no-license district. And yet it couldn't raise as much as a solitary drop of water. .

Apropos of the above. deplorable affair, a correspondent, who says he was there, sends us the following equally deplorable effusion :— To Henderson they took their way, Bold masons in,a grand array To join in gambols blithe a»d gay. Now, Henderson's a virtuous land Where drink (in theory) is bann'd, And water's looked up as grand. They had a mighty fine shivoo (The goat joined in the pleasure, too), The fun both fast and furious grey */■*■» ■*-• To cheer the inner man they'd got Refreshments in a plenteous lot, Including coffee mighty hot. They also had. 'tis sad to hear, A stock of whisky and of beer, And other things they call good cheer. Rut when the whisky-drinkers sought For water (as of course they ought). They found of water there was ' nought ! Then words of kind both rich and rare Pose high upon the ev'ning air (They gave the goat a fearful scare).

They wonder now the reason why In Henderpon—a district dry— Of water there is no supply. ■ } ■ ■ • • Colonial youngsters possess- a reputation for smartness which is generally enviable, but which can easily be made'unenviable, and there is_ a ' certain diminutive urchin in this city who will, soon be over-reaching him- • self if he isn't very careful. A cer- , tain citizen relates how, when passing one of the city hotels the other night, he heard a piteous wail proceeding from the pavement. Bending down, he discovered a small boy, who was emitting " " that did infiinte credit to his lung • power. " What is the matter, my • .little man ?" inquired the stranger, . who is of a philanthropic disposition. . "800-hoo 1" yowled the young gen- • tleman. who was apparently a newsboy, .'" I'vei dropped a two-shilling piece down that there grating, -and they'll k-k-k-kill me when I get home, s !'' ff Therej there^' ''• v. '■;-\:'.. / •':■}'': ■'■■. "■':■:'-"-,-■, ':''.'• .'■■ t-- : :-^~5 :

replied the" philanthropist 3 -\3 Xnsystti-p mind. Here's another two-shilling^ '■.'.; piece for you. Now trot along home: ' i before you lost that, too."

Jiist at this point of con versa tiony,. the landlord of the adjacent hostelry \ came upon thescene, and the philari-" thropist explained to him that thepoor boy had dropped some money down one of the hotel gratings, and would he cause a search, to be made for it. " What !" exclairred the " have you been giving that little spieler money, too ? Why. I've heard him pitch that same yarn to about half-a-dozen mugs tonight, and he must have made at least ten shillings out of it. He hasn't dropped any money down the grating. It's an old dodge of Jtr." Just then a policmean hove in sieh't, and that budding young Jabez Balfour disappeared with a speed that would have left greased lightning nowhere. It would be interesting to learn how many philanthropists has fleeced in this manner, and we publish the touching and true story in order to put unsuspecting citizens on their guard against this youthful Ananias.

That tide gauge on the Queenstreet wharf seems to need a fearful and wonderful lot of attention. One day recently, within th-v brief period of one hour and a half, no less than thirteen individuals employed in the Harbour Board office went solemnly down to inspect tho gauge. There doesn't appear to bo much immediate danger of any deaths from overwork in that office. In which connection we would offer the following quite uncalled-for advice to A.H.B. officials :—

When you've got no work to do, Gauge the tide ; If you'd rightly earn your screw, Gauge the tide ; If you're feeling rather slack, And some exercise you lack, ;1 Well, your brains you needn't rackGauge the tide. ' ■ ■ i '

If you are thinking of importing an aeroplane, our advice to you is 'don't." An enterprising New Zealander, who always likes to be in the van of progress, recently imported a Wright biplane — or, rather, the parts thereof—intending to put it together here." Now, so far, aeroplanes have not made their appearance on the Customs tariff, and the importer was under the not unnatural impression that the machine would be free of duty. But he reckoned without his host—or, rather without the astute Customs minions. Although aeroplanes might not be mentioned on the tariff, these gentlemen were not disconcerted by. a Bmall matter of that kind. - They took that machine piecemeal, and worked out the duty on each part. Thus, there: was so much on the motor, so much on the wheels, so much on the tires, and so on, until the disgusted im--porter found that he had quite a large sum to pay. And the worst of it.-is that when he takes his first flighty he may summarily break his nook,, and thus get absolutely no - lup money. < i : t y :;.;':; i

?::", Between. 20 and.3oibicycle tireflL were punctured in Christchurchthe" other night while the owners werei attending a meeting of the Musical; — "Herald " N "News' iri; jßrief''column. < ; ?" In the Cathedral City, '. *■ . On a night .of recent date, i The subject of this ditty : •.• • Were met in conclave late. : The subject for- discussion Was tbe music of the lyre, i What time there was concussion Of pins, in rubber tyre.. i; So when the owners of the bikes i ' Came 'out to mount the wheels, \ They found a spore of tyres out J — • there ... As limp, as sleeping eels. ...Now this enraged the owners,. •.■■ - - n( j ra i se d their strongest ire, , In voices anything but sweet | . They cried for vengeance dire. , So those who did the evil . Should 'ware those of the lyre> For they have sworn to make them Into a funeral pyre. • ■ * • ; "In some respects," says the "Star," "the London 'Times' of recent years has fallen from its high estate -in the public esteem." It is quite •-clear that it is high time the •'-' Times" modelled itself on the ;"Star."

t To some people, the Bight of a ftramway inspector is like that of a--Ired rag to a bull. There is an inidividual living in the suburbs who 'takes it out of the inspector after fashion. • He 6aves every ticket Che gets, and as he goes about the •city constantly he has a pocket .stuffed with them. Every time he a car, pays his fare, and receives a ticket, he simply adds it to his collection. When the inspector (enters and cries " tickets 1" this individual draws forth his ~_ collection knd extends it to the* inspector. A •dialogue follows, something like this :— " What's all this ?" V Tickets." " What for ?" " I don't know." "Then why do you 'hand them to me ?" "Because you asked for them." "I didnt' ask for all these. I want your ticket for this car." - "You have it." " Where ?" "In that bunch." • • •

" But I don't want this bunch. I want-your ticket." "Then pick it out." "That is not my business."

"Neither is it minev" '■« "Why-do I you keep all these tickets ?" 'IBev cause it says on them : ' Must be pro^ educed when demanded, or - another ,fare paid.'" "But it is no use after it has once been used." " I know nothing about that. lam ~ simply- doing what your company ( telto me." ' ' Well, I haven't time to argue with you. Are you going to hand me your ticket ?" 'II have already done so." The passengers are all laughing—all except the onp who has the bunch of tickets ; he is serious j imperturbable. It generally ends in the inspector leaving the car cross and Worried. .

Another ingenious humorist worries the inspectors by putting his ticket in an inside pocket and instantly going to sleep.- At least be looks, as if he was asleep. An inspector calls " tickets 1" The sleeper snores gently. Again the'cry ""tickets J" this time louder than before. No move. The inspector touches the sleeper's shoulder and repeats his demand. "Eh R" exclaims the man, waking with a start.- • . •■

" Tickets I" " "What tickets ??' "Car tickets." " Er-er. Whatfs the matter ? Where ami?" "In a car.l" "In a car ?" Oh, yes, of course. But what right have you to wake me up ?" "I want to see your ticket." "See my ticket'? Why ? Jt's (not worth seeing." " Show it to me." ■". Why ?" "■ Because I am employed by the company to see your tickets." "Are you employed by the company to wake up its passengers ? Haven't I a right to sleep in this car P" "Yes, but I have a right to see your ticket." " If I have a right to sleep you have no right to wake me, even to satisfy your inexplicable desire to look at my ticket. ■ It is an outrage !"

The passenger is indignant, even furious. He threatens the inspector with arrest for assault. "How dare you lay your hands on me r ? Your office gives you no right to assault passengers. Here, look" at your old ticket and I'll take your number and report you to the company and to the police." The inspector, having satisfied, . his. hired craving to gaze upon the ticket, retires. The passenger's indignation changes to a beaming smile, with which he irradiates the whole interior of the car before settling himself down to another nap for the benefit of. the next inspector.