MEETING THE MARTYR

Observer, Volume XXIX, Issue 46, 31 July 1909, Page 18

MEETING THE MARTYR

(By Our Bombastical Blackleg)

ENTHUSIASTIC RECEPTION OF fIR A> W» HOQG,

ME A. W. HOGG, the well-known modern and model martyr, arrived in Auckland by the Main Trunk last Thursday night, in response to an invitation from the local Trades and .Labour Council. The ex-Minister for .Labour was met at the Railway Station by the Trades and Labour Council's .Brass Band and the ambulance. After listening to a selection from the brass band, 6aid by some people to be " Kule Britannia," and by others " See the Conquering Hero Comes " (both with weird and original variations), Mr Hogg expressed himself as quite overcome, and was assisted into the ambulance in a shattered condition. A procession was then formed, the order being as follows : — A member of the chronic unemployed, bearing a banner on which appeared the legend : ' ' We Don' t Want to Workj and be Jiggered if We Do — at Less than liJs a Day 1" The ambulance, driven by Mr G. Davis and containing the overwhelmed Mr Hogg, ministered to by his fellow-Socialist Dr. Stopford, who was wearing a new and startling red waistcoat in honour of the occasion; The official wheelbarrow of the President of the Trades and Labour Council, containing Mr Tom Long, and propelled by Mr T. Harle Giles. The official wheelbarrow of the Labour Boss, containing Mr Artful Bosser, J.P., and propelled by Mr Paul Hansen. The Trades and Labour Council Brass Band, each member thereof playing a different tune, the general effect being most striking. Herr Johan Wielaert, with a club " in his hand and assassination in his ■eye, apparently seeking the gore of the Trades and Labour Council's Brass Band. A variety of nondescript dogs, each howling strenuously in a different key. The great unwashed) hurling bricks and other missiles impartially at the dogs and the brass band. As might have been expected, the progress of the procession up Queenstreet caused intense excitement. Several cab-horses bolted) and the City Fire Brigade turned out and put out Dr. Stopford' s waistcoat, which was inflaming the firmament. Unfortunately, in the course of the march, Mr T. Haxle Giles, who was propelling the wheelbarrow containing Mr Tom Long, became so overcome by the strains of the brass band, that he incontinently tipped bis fair burden into a large and muddy puddle. Mr Paul Hansen, Who was following with the wheelbarrow (containing Mr Artful Bosser, hadn't time to pull up, and Mr Boeser also disappeared into the puddle, while both Mr T. Harle Giles and Mr Paul Hansen unostentatiously difip^^eared into vacancy. Messrs Long and Bosser were soon extricated from the puddle with the aid of some of Mr T. Gresham'e fishliooks ; and were accommodated with seats in the ambulance, having first been wrapped in copies of some of Mr C..H. Foole's humorous speeches, which were the driest thing available. On arrival at the Star Hotel, it wiae discovered that proprietor, being under the impression that the Germans were approaching, had barred his doors and windows. Mr W. P. Black was at once sent forward as an ambassador to assure the proprietor that the crowd was a purely - British onfe, and that the band wasn't German, whatever it might :. , pronr fetoiy ■*&,*-,

sured by Mr Black's pure English accent, consented to reopen his hostelry. Mr Hogg, having been assisted inside, and revived with a sarsaparilla, said that if the band would kindly go away, he would retire to bed, in order to recover from the effects of the music. The band refused to go away until Mr Hogg had delivered a speech. Mr Hogg refused to deliver a speech until the band had gone away. The band threatened that if Mr Hogg didn't deliver a speech they would proceed to play the " Hallelujah Chorus. ;; The conductor explained that they had never tried this piece before, but they had no objection to having a go at it, and Mr Hogg would only have himself to blame for the consequences k At this point the proprietor of the hotel, in company with all the guests stopping there, waited upon Mr Hogg as a deputation} and requested him to keep the band from playing at all costs. They pointed out that some of their numbers were not in the best of health) and the "Hallelujah Chorus" would probably result fatally to them. Besides, it was liable to turn the beer sour. Mr Hogg graciously yielded to this frenzied appeal, and, on stepping out on to the balcony to deliver his oration, was received with loud cheering. The band's first cornet player) in fact) became so excited that he blew a blast that burst his cornet and his braces simultaneously. Mr Hogg commenced his speeoh by remarking that he had never appreciated until that moment the full horrors of martyrdom. "When he returned in triumph to his electorate of Masterton, nis admirers had brought two brass bands to the station, to meet him. It was rather a trying ordeal for him ; but he could lay his hand upon his heart and truthfully say that the one brass band of the Auckland Trades and Labour Council could easily knock silly aaiy other two brass bands in the whole Dominion. (Loud cheering ; and a triumphant but decidedly discordant blast from the gentleman who operated on the K flat trombone). He \uir Hogg) had rushed into martyrdom with his eyes and ears open. He was well aware of that. But if that person who was blatantly blowing blue murder down that elongated brazen instrument didn't stop his noise, he (Mr Hogg), martyr or. no martyr, would be under the painful necessity of having him bound over to keep the peace. At this point, an unmusical guest, leaning out of one of the hotel windows, skilfully slew trombonist per medium of a water-jug hurled at his head, and the meeting proceeded * more peacefully. Continuing, Mr Hogg said that he felt too weak to say much more that evening. He intended to address them all at the Choral Hall on the following night, and he had only to request that if they intended to provide him with any music there, they would do so per medium of a hurdy-gurdy. He was not strong enough to bear another dose of the Trades and Labour Council Brass Band. He noticed that Mr Tom Long and Mr Artful Bosser were about to perpetrate^ a duet on the trumpet and the big drum, and he would accordingly retire. After the duet had been duly performed, the fragments that remained of the spectators were gathered _up, a^se^ob;^

stood, however, that the individual who addressed the meeting at the Choral Hall on Friday evening was not Mr Hogg at all. It is rumoured that Mr Hogg slipped quietly out of town on Friday morning, having prevailed upon a friend, who bears a striking facial resemblance to the ex-Minister of Labour> to take bis place. "Under the circumstances, this is hot to be Wondered at