The Fretful Procupine

Observer, Volume XXIX, Issue 46, 31 July 1909, Page 16

The Fretful Procupine

ROBERT WYNYARD, as everybody knows, iB a great allround sport, but bis sporting procilivities recently received something of a check. Robert, in company with two dogs and his deadly gun, went up Paparoa way intent upon killing something, but, owing to the workings of a malicious fate, instead of bagging any game, he nearly bagged himself. The first misfortune smote him early. His ultimate destination was some miles from the railway terminus, and he had made arrangements for a buggy to meet him at the station. There was a misunderstanding somewhere, however, and, on alighting from the train, Robert discovered that the promised buggy had not turned up. But there was a coach going m hie direction, and Robert boarded it, and dumped his dogs, and his gun, and bis other murderous paraphernalia down beside him. The y> bowled along merrily for some time, anrt Robert was regaling the driver with the latest yarns from town, when the axle incontinently snapped, and the coach came to a stop with a jerK that nearly dislocated Robert's spinal column.

No other vehicle was available, and there wasn't a house for miles round. There was nothing for it but to walk Hitching his faithful hut somewhat agitated dogs on to the end of a bfoain, Robert shouldered his gun, and marched off. For miles and miles he W-r-" 1 through mud and rain and, at last, in the tail of the day,' he tramped on to the verandah of "his boarding-house, a muddy and dishevelled spectre. "Aha, muhtered Robert, "it's really worth while to have gone through all this discomfort to get a square meal, a good night's rest, and a fine day's shooting to-morrow. What, ho ! within there, variety ! Fetch me hither two pounds of ham and eggs, and a gallon or so of t&a. Produce

also the bath and several bars of soap and a pick-axe, in order that I may excavate my manly person from this cake of mud that encrusts it. Also prepare me a bed." Alas I more misfortune awaited him. The accommodation, through a misunderstanding, had not been reserved for him. A bath he could have, food he could have, bull there was no empty bed available.

However, a friendly commercial traveller came to light, and offered half his bed to the weary wayfarer. The offer was gratefully accepted, and Robert, having bathed and eaten, chained his dogs up outside and retired to rest. In the morning, he arose like a giant refreshed, shouldered his gun and went out to get his dogs. Here the fourth blow awaited him. The faithless hounds had somehow managed to break their chains, and had skedaddled. Robert, uttering sundry remarks concerning these dogs, and their ancestors, skedaddled in pursuit. After much strenuous labour, he captured the truants, and, having told them what he thought of them, started out on his shooting expedition. Then fortune dealt the next blow. "Roh^-t was scrambling over a log, when h" unintentionally turned a beautiful somersault, and. when be had sorted himself out, he found he had sprained bis ankle, also that bis dorrs had again deserted him in his troubles.

But fortume hadn't |finished with him. Before setting out, he had arranged that horses should meet him at a certain s-pot, to carry himself and his enormous bag home. He succeeded in limping painfully and slowly to the rendezvous, only to discover that the promised steeds hadn't arrived, and, although he waited far hours, they didn't turn up, and he had to walk home as well as his wounded ankle would let him, finally arriving at the boarding-house without his dogs, and also without a single bag. Here a fresh blow awaited him. He had promised to give some of the local " boys " a shivon that night, and had ordered a choice assortment of alcoholic refreshments from town for the ccasion. But, alas ! merciless fate decreed that these refreshments should go astray, and the shivoo had to be celebrated with tea and coffee. It was the last straw. Next day

A FORECAST THAT HAS BIS EN FULFILLED. (Reprinted from the OBSERVER of October 15th, 1904. )

Robert packed up his traps and returned to town in disgust. He is still looking for these dogs ; but he isn't looking for any more shooting trips — not at present, thank you.

It seems that New Zealanders are getting as hysterical in the matter of scareships as the Yankeefied press is making the people of England. Any mysterious moving light on a distant hill-top is in danger of being taken for the lamp of some experimenting aeroplane inventor, even in places that have not fallen under suspicion of possessing any such genius. The imaginative person who suggested to the "Star" that the alleged aerial lights seen the other evening in the direction of Tamaki may have been the lights of an airship invented by a Christchurch man who is in town with an airship invention, has oiilly the flimsiest grounds to go upon. All that that particular inventor — a former employee of the Auckland Gas Co., by the way — has produced as yet is a working model which he fondly expecte will develop into something practicable, if only he oan form a syndicate that will finance the perfecting of his scheme and enable him to submit it to the War Office. Till New Zealand does produce something to skim through the midnight air it is not too much to ask that the newspapers should keep their heads cool.

The methods of chaff and persuasion adopted by the fair wielders of collection boxes last Saturday for wheedling smtll coin out of the pockety of more or less reluctant males, in the cause of sweet charity, were many and various. One of the most successful was that of a bright young lady who turned her jokes against herself. " Haven't you a penny to spare for the guy ?" was her stock greeting to those whom she selected as victims. Of course any gallant youth had to inquire, " But to whom do you refer as ' the guy '?" To which she would make* answer, "To myself, to be sure." Whereat one burly Irishman was heard to rejoin. " Bedad. and if you're a guy it's a good deal more than a penny you're worth," and suiting the action to the word he dropped a nimbi© florin into the box and passed on hie way, chuckling. Also, silver was more frequently extracted than copper by the joldst's left-handed compliments to herself. • ' a

While the majority of the collectors had always a word of thanks for those who contributed, there was at least one exception. A local business main was scurrying along to his office, when he was bailed ud by a fierce-looking female who held in kef l»y-white hand the regulation oblong collection! box. Although times are bad, the business man, being of a generous disposition, produced a half-crown and dumped it mix* tft* box. _-. The fierce female

glared indignantly at him. Then she observed sarcastically : "I suppose, Mr Blank, you have so many calls upon your charity that half-a-crown, is all you can spare. " The business man didn't stop to reply, but he made a mental note of the circumstance, with the result that the Benevolent Society lost at least seven and sixpence that would otherwise have gome into their coffers. It doesn't always pay to be sarcastic.

Another gap in the fast diminishing ranks of Auckland's old identities is made by the death of J. H. M. Carpenter, which occurred this week. From his settlement in the province over fifty yeans ago, Mr Carpenter gained and retained the esteem of all with whom he came in contact, either in business or sociably. In the early seventies his hospitable mansion on the banks of the Waipa was the favourite resort of many of the crack shots of Auckland on the opening day of the shooting season, and in those times his estate yielded bags of pheasants such as are not heard of nowadays. Apart from his membership of the Dilworth Trust Board, and his prominent work in the Anglican Church, Mr Carpenter filled a large space in, Auckland institutions — for instance, in the Auckland Club, of which he was one of the original members, in the Auckland Racing Club, to which he was for fifteen years a steward. He also took part in the formation of the first racing club that came into existence in the Waikato.

_A wail of horror, indignation and dismay arose upon the morning air from the confines of the No-license district of Grey Lynn last Fiiday. The cause of all the turmoil was the cutting off of the water supply from 7 a.m. to 5 p.m. Infuriated residents, who had failed to read Acting- Town Clerk Haultain'e notification in the papers, rushed round in extreme deshabille, seeking the wherewithal to wash. Even the luxury of the matutinal cup of tea or coffee was denied them. " It's bad enough to live in a No license district at all," snorted one indignant, unwashed and thirsty resident ; " but, hang it ! when they go and cut off the water supply, I call it adding ineulfc to injury." 'Tis a painful theme, but let us twang the giddy harp and sing thusly : — They cut off the water to alter the main, And the folk in Grey Lynn sought a wash all in vain. They couldn't get tea for their breakfast— 'twas hard, And from all stronger drinks they are strictly debarr'd. And the Grey Lynneta groaned"Now, this trick isn't clever ; We always are dry—now we're drier than ever. For whisky or beer you will ne'er hear us wail, Bat why take away our much-prized :,. . Adam'c alet" ....: „ . ... .■■.,., '„■:■■■<

All old pressmen will have read with Bincere regret of the death of Thomas Morrison, which occurred at Napier this week. At one time a member of the firm of Dinwiddie, Morrison and Co., who then owned the " Hawke's Bay Herald," Mr Morrison dropped out of the proprietary more than twenty years ago, and for the rest of his active life he was reporter to the Press Association in the House of Representatives. Year after year he was Chairman of the Press Gallery, and as long as he remained in it the gallery looked for no other chairman. A -*genial old bachelor, an ardent bowler, an enthusiastic church choir man, and a person of extremely likeable disposition, Thomas Morrison made friends wherever he went, and his death will be widely mourned.

Whitebait is being eagerly fished for at Foxton just now, but only small catches are reported so far.

Patient Stoell Angler: Put away your ten guinea tackles, boys. Here's that blessed ti-tree stick and string line knocked us all out and hooked the fish of the season.

Dear Observer, — The Government claim that their representatives in London exercise great discrimination in the selection ot " assisted " immigrants. More especially do they maintain that great care is taken to see that men who claim to be farm labourers have really had practical experience on the land. Now, listen to this : A few days ago I came in touch with a young Glasgow man — a member of tne last batch of assisted immigrants. He had been in the Dominion two days. I inquired what line he followed, and he told me he was a farm labourer. " Had any experience ?" said 1. "No," he replied, "none whatever. lam a jeweller's salesman by trade." Comment is superfluous. But where does the much-vaunted discrimination of the Government immigration officers come in ? — Yours, etc., Nativb-bobn.

A map which was published the djay showing th© possible routes for the Northern Trunk Railway over which the countryside between Whangarei and Kaipara is contending, with the populations of the districta interested, eete forth the curious fact that Bickerstaffe has 24 "settlers on water" and Whaka? pirau 21. 1$ would be interesting to know what is the meaning of this mysterious phrase ? . It can hardly be that the inhabitants of Bickerstaffe ;and Whakapirau have built villages' after the plan of the ancient lakeAiwellers, over the blue waves of the) Kaipara. A possible alternative Vs that these virtuous settlers, though living in a licensed diistrict, are \metaphorically "on the 4; i.y^ter .waggon." But are they f .

If Clement Wragge carries out his expressed intention or naming future weather disturbances after characters culled from Virgil's " the people of the Dominion are in for a jaw-twißting time. "Anchises" is bad enough to begin with, but what about such tongue - stranglers as " Mygdonedes," " Achaicus," •• Philpctetes," " Moptolemus," " Eurypylus," " Astyanax," " Enceladus," or " Atrides"— to mention only a few of Virgil's characters ? Surely the public have enough to put up with, without this new and overwhelming burden being piled upon them. Much better to stick to plain, prosaic Anglo-Saxon names like "Hogg" and "Taylor." They may not be pretty, bufc they're easy to pronounce. ■ ■ m

Kawhia was suffering the pangs of anxiety last Week, and the trouble was the eternal liquor question. Two parties in the town were bent upon doing honour to a departing citizen, and had, "unbeknownst" to each other, procured supplies of liquid refreshments from " over the hill," and made their arrangements to speed him on a given evening. Of course, as he wasn't a gentleman of double identity, it couldn't be done. So, one of the two shivoos was postponed, aad the other duly came off. But, when the time came for the deferred entertainment, it was found that some thirsty individuals, being unable to restrain their appetites in the presence of the unaccustomed supply of mountain dew laid in, had made inroads upon it, and left insufficient for even a decent show of hospitality.

As Kawhia is never overstocked in this respect, there was nothing for it bnt to postpone the second shivoo a little further, till a new supply could be brought up from the distant depots in the land of the free. But here again something went wrong, Probably the order miscarried. A.t any rate, the fount of liqudr failed to flow. In the eyes of the jovial spirits who had the matter in hand, anything short of usquebaugh would fail to do honour to the occasion, so there was further delay. For a day or so the universal question wherever two or three were met together on Kawhia strand was : " Any word of that missing case yet ?" Probably the guest of the town would have had to come away with an unquenched thirst but for the lucky dis-

covery that a certain resident in the town was the possessor of half-a-dozen bottles, the use of which could be obtained on oondition that they were replaced from .the tardy case when it arrived. The arrangement was quickly agreed to, and Kawhia made merry over the deferred send-off. But isn't it plain that pleasure is pursued under difficulties in a no-license town ?

That venerable animal known as the Press Ass. is actually waxing humorous in its old age. In proof whereof observe this cablegram : — " Sydney, July 21. An animal supposed to be a tiger is causing consternation in the Mount Kerabla district. A local doctor and a miner were attacked last night, the doctor receiving a nasty wound on the head. Neither stayed to identify the animal." The humour, of course, lies in the concluding sentence. This sort of thing is worthy of encouragement. The average news that the Press Ass. transmits is so deadly dull that the slightest flash of humour is highly acceptable. The subject of " The Lady and the Tiger" has already been immortalised. Let us now do the same for "The Press Ass. and the Tiger" : — The Press Ass. met a tiger, and The tiger said " Good day ;" The Ass. replied " There's room inside, • I know, but I can't stay. Excuse this haste ; I like your taste, I'd stop if I were able. But never mind ; you'll shortly find You're mentioned in a cable. ■ .*

Another choice sample of English as she is maltreated in the districts where the Maoris have acquired an educational smattering. It is a literal transcript of a placard that was lately tacked up on a shed, in one of of the far North districts : —

Notice

To every men Maoris or Pakehaa not to be seen about or on any of the land that is belong to the Sheeps Company from Omapere to Waiwhatawhata and all along the Coast up to the Waimamaku bridge. Any mans not allowed to take any dogs or catch a horses or catties or anything that would make the sheeps move about. If ever I find any ones .doing any of the kind or if I find- any dogs chasing sheep, He or She and the owner of the dog would be prosecuted. (Signed) .

The humourist \vrho perpetrates the "On the Land I" column in the " Herald "isat it again. Here is his latest effort : — " In some small towns of Germany potatoes are held in so much esteem that statues are being erected in their honour." What a sublimely aesthetic object the statue of a potato must be ! With statues we immortalize A mighty potentate, Or statesman whom we greatly prize For work done for the State ; A gen'ral who for victory Has waded deep in blood, But in the land of Germany They statsefy the "spud." m. ■ m

Whangarei is revelling in the exeitament of the latest thrilly story cf somaambulißm. It concerns a youngster, who attends the High School there, and to whom came a stirring vision in the still watches of the night. According to a local paper, he dreamt that he wan being chased by two men armed with tomahawks. . " Still asleep," says the narrative, "he got out of bed and left the room by the bedroom window, which he closed behind him. He then wandered through a thorn hedge and across paddocks till he arrived at a shallow portion of Atkinson's Creek, in which he waded until the water came up to his neck. The wanderer climbed on top of a willow tree that was lying across the creek, and returned across the paddocks to the house, entering his room by the window he had closed on his exit."

By way of corroborative detail, it ia added that his sister heard the noise of his re-entrance, and that next day the boy had a hazy recollection of his experiences, and related the dream to his father, who was able to trace marks o-f the young adventurer's passage through the hedge and aoross the fields. Also, that a doctor who has been called in attributes the somnambulistic expedition to the effects of over-study. But it does seem that a sleep so sound as to be proof against the scratchings of a thorn hedge, and the icy coldness of the waters of a creek on a mid-winter night, is not exactly consistent with remembrance of such details as the clambering out across the willow trunk. The theory of overstudy is probably correct. Overstudy of narratives of the " Bold Bob, the Boy Buccaneer " type does unsettle the nerves and fire the imagination.

On a recent Sunday a local doctor, who for some years carried on practice in the arid King Country, was sitting in the bosom of his family, when the housemaid entered and announced that a patient was awaiting him in the consulting room. The doctor wended his way thither, and discovered that the patient in question was a hornyhanded son of toil whom be used to know well in the King Country. " Hullo, So-and-So," said the medico, cheerily, " what's the matter with you?" Sidling mysteriously on tiptoe, the visitor replied in a desperate whisper: "For heaven's sake, have you got a nip of whisky you can give me. I've just come down from the King Country, and all the pubs are shut." The doctor filled the prescription. • ■ ■

The " Star," from all appearances, has recently become virtuous to an extreme — at least, so far as its alleged literary columns are concerned. It is not so long ago that the " Twinkler," in a special article, showed how the unwary were taken in by the palmist, and crystal seer, and others of the fortune-telling tribe. Last Saturday, the "Star" took to task the individuals w.ho advertise for wives. One of the ' ' Star's " intellectual young men was told off to interview certain parsons and other authorities on the subject. The result was a unanimous denunciation of the matrimonial advertisement. That being so, the the question now is whether the "Star" will in future always exclude such advertisements from its columns. Perhaps it will, but, on the other hand, perhaps it won't. * In spite of the " Star's " recent denunciation of fortune-tellers, it is a significant fact that advertisements emanating from these people are still inserted. Did the " Star " ever hear of a gentleman