FACTS & FANTASIES

Observer, 24 July 1909, Page 14

FACTS & FANTASIES

A MATRON of the most determined character was encountered by a young woman reporter on a country paper, who was sent out to interview leading citizens as to their politics. "May I see Mr ?", she asked of a stern-looking woman who opened the door at one house. "No, you can't," apswered the matron, decisively. "But I want to know what party he belongs to," pleaded the girl. The woman drew up her tall figure. " Well, take a good look at me," she said, "I'm the party he belongs to."

Miss D. : " I'm going to put on a mask and go as Cinderella's ugly sister." "But why a mask ?" • • a

Here is a pleasant tale of matrimonial methods. The wife was negotiating with the husband for an Easter holiday that would cost something. "Jane," he said, impressively, " I'd like you to have it. I'd be glad to let you go." The wife looked her doubts as to whether this was quite the right tone for an affectionate man to take. "Yes, I'd be glad," he said,, with oonviction. " But the fa-ct is I can't do it. I have to take up a note for four thousand pounds next week, and I can't spare a penny." The wife looked him up and down. " Very well, Josiah," she said ; "very well. If you think the man who holds your note can make things hotter for you than I can — very well, Josiah." She had her Easter holiday, and enjoyed it very much, too."

" You've been at the mince pies again, Billy. I can tell by your waistcoat." " Don't be rude, pa. I don't say you've been at the brandy bottle again every time I look at your nose."

" Say, Johnnie, what's your ma do when you tell lies to her ?" " She tells pa I take after him." Doctor : " Did your husband follow my directions ? Did he take the medicine I left for him religiously ?" Patient's Wife : "I'm afraid not, doctor. He swore every time I gave him a dose." fc ,

"You have an enormous appetite," said a thin man, enviously. " What do you take for it ?" "In all my experience," replied his plump friend, "I have found nothing more suitable than food."

- • • Chief of Detectives : "Now, give us a description of your missing cashier. How tall was h© ?"

Business Man : "I don't knowhow tall he was. What worries me is that he was £500 short."

"Well, Patrick, did your poor wife die contented ?" asked the landlord. " She did, sir," replied Pat. " She was complainin' up to the lasht, but when she died she was contented, and didn't say a word."

Little Johnny, who had' been praying for some months for God to send him a baby brother, finally became discouraged. "1 don't believe God has any more little boys to send," he told his mother, " and I'm going to stop it." Early one morning not long after this he was taken into his mother's room to see twin boys who had arrived in the night. Johnnie regarded them thoughtfully for some minutes. " Golly," he remarked, finally. "It's a good thing I stopped praying when I did."

Ho would h«avG gathered her in a warm embrace, but she waved him back. "No," she said, imperiously. "You crush my heart," he protested. " Better thy heart," she answered, "than a new blouse." • . « • "Does the baby talk yet ?" asked a friend of the family. "No, replied the baby's disgusted little brother ; " the baby doesn't need to talk." "Doesn't need to talk?" " No. All the baby has to do is to yell, and it gets anything there is in the house that's worth having." • s ■ Small boy (in chemist's shop) : "I want the medicine the doctor ordered for my mother." Chemist : "Here it is, my lad, but there's twopence to pay. Tou'd better run home and fetch that first." Small boy (after perplexed pause) : " I'll tell you what. You drink twopennyworth out ; that will make it just right." ■ a • "You loved her very much?" " So much that when her first husband died I married her that I might share her grief, and so lessen it." "And how did it work ?" "Fine ! I'm sorrier now for his death than she is." • m " What is the trouble ? What is the trouble, my good man ?" said the minister, entering the house of a parishioner, who was laying down the law somewhat emphatically to his family circle. " Tr-tr-ou ble ? T-ro-u-b-1-e ?" said the man. "Why, hang it, little Johnnie here just set hisself on fire, and blamed if the old woman didn't go and put the fire out Math the last can of beer I had, and me dead broke, too !"

Doctor (to lady patient) : "You have a slight touch of fever ; your tongue has a thick coat " Patient (excitedly) : "Oh, doctor, do tell me how it fits." • • • Jacky had been imparting to the minister the important and cheerful information that his father had got a new set of false teeth. " Indeed, Jacky, replied the minister, indulgently, "and what will he do with the old set ?" "Oh, I suppose," answered Jacky, " they'll cut 'em down and make me wear 'em." •SB Billiken : " What's the matter, Williken ?" Williken : "Matter enough. You know some time ago I assigned all my property to my wife, to — to keep it out of the hands of — of people I owe, you know." Billiken : "Yes." Williken : "Well, she's taken the money and gone off — says she won't live with me because I swindled my creditors." <• • • " Dear teacher," wrote little Johnny's mother, "kindly excuse John's absence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the mud. By doing the same you will greatly oblige hiß mother." «j • • Into a general 6tore there came a negro who was complaining that a ham he had purchased there was not good. " The ham is all right, Zeph," insisted the storekeeper. "No, it ain't, boss," insisted the negro. " Dat ham's bad." " How can that be," continued the storekeeper, "when it was cured only last week ?" The darkey scratched his head reflectively. "Den mebbe it's had a relapse," he suggested.