FIGHTS FOR THE COLOURS.

Observer, Volume XXIX, Issue 44, 17 July 1909, Page 23

FIGHTS FOR THE COLOURS.

THE TRAGEDY OF A CHEAP SALE.

In a toney sort of suburb lived a certain Mrs 8., She'd a neighbour we'll allude to by the name of Mrs C. Very friendly to each other were these ladies, I may state, And their furniture was stylish, and their mansions up to date. They discussed the latest scandals ev'ry day from two to four (And of scandals toney suburbs mostly have abundant store). They had sworn eternal friendship, had these ladies, but, alas I That friendship soon was severed by events which c_me to pass. NoWj the drapers' sales were booming, and all female hearts were glad, And the ladies rushed the drapers — they were bargain hunting mad. And they pushed, and shoved, and elbowed, and they fought their way along (Oh, the Lord save any wretohed man mixed up among that throng). And they kicked, and bit, and wrestled, and they tore each other's hair, And regarded one another with a horrifying glare. Oh, the bravest man would tremble, and indubitably quail At the fearful scenes of carnage at a draper's bargain sale. Said Mrs B. one morning to her neighbour Mrs C, Let us journey forth together and expend our L.s.d. On the sales within the city, where the bargains, so they say, Are really something startling — let us snap some up to-day. Said Mrs C. in answer : "It will please me very well. We will go and rush the bargains that these people have to sell. For I feel in warring humour, and I'm ready for a fight, So to join the bargain battle will occasion me delight." They armed themselves right quickly, and got ready for th© fray. They sharpened up their hat pins, which were guaranteed to 6lay. They practised pugilism for a quarter of an hour, And tliey practised looks ferocious till they turned the milk all sour. Then they sallied forth together in in the finest fighting trim, "With their optics fiercely flashing and their countenances grim. And each trembling man who met them, if he didn't drop down dead, Didn't stay to make inquiries but incontinently fled. So they came to an emporium where a sale was going strong, Then they shrieked aloud the warcry, and they dashed amid the throng. They squashed all opposition, for they fought with tooth and nail, With elbow, foot, and hatpin, and 'twas of no avail For others who were present to attempt to block the way, For they'd Buckley's chance to do it ; they were vanquished in the fray. Oh, the street was full of wounded — it was littered with the slain, And the sawbones kept things merry patching people up again. Mrs 8., the energetic, had a most artistic eye, And she saw a piece of fabric that she fancied lyinp nigh. Said she : " 'Tis very pretty, so this article I'll nab,''' So she fought her way towards it, and she made a frantic grab. But before she could annex it, it was whisked beyond her reach. Then she said : " That wicked hussy some good manners I will teach." So she went to find for certain who > the enemy might be, When she found it was her neigh-, bour, her beloved Mrs 0.

Said Mrs B. : "Jemima, this is really very sad ! To appropriate my bargain is unprincipled and bad ; So give it up, Jemima, for you know 'tis mine by right." Said Jemima : " Get your head read, you unmitigated fright. "Tis my bargain ; and I'll keep it. If to bargain sales you go, You must bear in mind the maxim that defeat oomee to the slow. Oh, you needn't glare so fiercely, for I'm not afraid of you — And you'll never get this bargain — I will stick to it like glue." With a wail both wild and woeful Mrs B. sprang forward quick, And she fetched her loving neighbour a most sanguinary kick : And she seized upon the bargain which she tried to wrest away From the grasp of the marauder ; then right fiercely waged the fray. Oh, they pulled, and scratched, and wrestled, and they sought each other's gore. And they used some striking language that they d never used before. Yes, both skin and hair were flying, and the other folk with glee Collected round the conflicts — all the fun they wished to see. Oh, for long the fieht . oontinued — over tables, over chairs, Zach one trying if the other she could tackle unawares ; Each one gripping hard the fabric that the row was all about ; Each one vowing most determinedly she'd knock the other out. And their hats were bruised and battered, and their dresses were a ■ wreck, And both of them were wounded, for they'd got it on the neck. Tho' their clothes were torn to ribbons, still they didn't oare a pin, For each one was determined that the battle she would win. But alas for aspirations ! — in the middle of a round That fabric by some accident they dropped upon the ground. Then another bargain hunter made a dash, and, with a grin, She grabbed that piece of fabric, and she calmly roped it in ; Then she fled before the fury of the wrathful Mrs 8., And she didn't wait to interview the warlike Mrs C. So these two pugnacious ladies to their sorrow, after all, Found that while they had been fighting, someone else had got the haul. So they fixed their hats on straights er, and they put their dresses right, And they bandaged up the bruises that they'd got throughout the fight. But they still were snorting fiercely at each other all the time, And they still expressed opinions that would not look well in rhyme. People sent and got a copper, and advised that they should roam, Without any hesitation to wherever was their home. So, still snorting, they departed ; but (this fact I grieve to own) lhey didn't walk together, but eaoh went along alone. There is sorrow in a suburb that ie toney and seleot, Where the people are patrician, and the style is most correct. For two ladies who are neighbours do not see each other now When they meet while promenading, and they never deign to bow. And the reason of this thusness, and the cause of all the feud Was the grabbing of a bargain, and the trouble that ensued. So 'tis clear that lifelong friendship isn't of the least avail To quell a two-hand riot at a drapers* bargain sale.