AMONG THE PROPHETS

Observer, Volume XXIX, Issue 44, 17 July 1909, Page 18

AMONG THE PROPHETS

A VISIT TO THE FORTUNE TELLERS.

(By our Obstreperous Occultisl.)

THE editor faced me with a glare in his classical eye, and the office club in his inky fingers. "Hence, varlet !" he exclaimed, as I stood at the dread- portals ; "hence, and get your silly head read 1 The v minions of the "Star" and '• Herald " have recently been round the various fortune-telling establishments. As Shakespeare says : ' Go and do thou likewise..' " I said : " Pardon me interrupting Your Majesty. It wasn't Shakespeare who 6aid that ;it was — " "Peace ! thundered the Great Man, as he smote mo over the cranium. "Never mind who said it. Go and interview the fortune-tellers. They'll never suspect you of being a detective. You look too much of a bally idiot. Therefore do as I oommand you. Hence !" 1 hen eed. The first prophet I struck was an individual answering to the name of Doidgo, whom I met in the neighbourhood of Shortland-street. This person, in a most unwarrantable manner, demanded to know where I was going, and also who I was ashoving of. I told him that an unprincipled and brutal editor had ordered me to go round and interview the fortune-tellers. Thereupon, - the indecorous Doidge, with a wink that was decidedly out of plaoe, remarked : — " You will have trouble." Spurning such futile professional utterances, I passed on. The first person I interviewed was an elderly female who, on a modest computation, scaled a trifle over twenty stone. She had a yard of board hanging over her front door, bearing the misconception " Madame Swellorelli, Palmist, etc." She sat me down in an Austrian bentwood chair, sat her fairy-like form in another, and took my lily-white hand into her own and smiled oilily. She said : "Hum. You didn't wash yourself this morning." " Never mind about what I did this morning," I replied. "What I want to know is what is going to happen to me in the future." She said : "Five shillings, please." To my disgust I found that this must necessarily be a casli transaction. I pointed out to this foolish female that, if she had the power of looking into the future, she must sco that in the course of a few years I would pay her fee. She said she preferred cash ; and, as she was a [female of brawny proportions, endowed with a stern and inflexible physiognomy, I cashed up. Again taking my lily-white hand in hers, she proceeded to read the signs and portents thereon. She said : "You will shortly receive a sentence of five years' penal servitude for stealing the life-savings of a blind cripple. After that, you will be crushed by the City Council's roadroller, which will necessitate the amputation of your alleged legs. Subsequently, by assimilating too many of the horrors in the ' Star ' supplement, and by attempting to make head or tail of the ' Herald's ' leading articles, you will beoome more of a raving maniac than you , are at present, and will be removed to the Mental Hospital. After that; -" I instinctively felt that the time <^ had arrived when I should put a period tq the pleasant remarks of thie optimistic female. i said : jj " Thank you so much. I feel that "' I have got my full five bobs' worth. -^ Jusfc to do me a favour, I wish you

would step round and do a little prophesying to the base editorial individual who cast me forth to do this thing. Pitch it- strong in the way of insanity, battle, murder, sudden death and other atrocities ; and I will willingly defray all reasonable expense." She said she would make a note of it. I thanked her, and withdrew. The next person 1 interviewed was a painfully thin gentleman witli rolling eyes and a fiery nose. According to his doorplate, he was a phrenologist. He began the conversation by demanding five shillings. In reply to a pressing inquiry he refused to allow any credit whatsoever. Under the circumstances, I cashed v- and, having bitten the coin suspiciously, he ordered me to sit down, while- he took up a position behind me, and ran his fingers through my sky-blue locks. " This," said he, as he encountered a particularly obtrusive, bump on the summit of my sublime skull, " is the bump of reason." "That, you silly chump," I observed, politely, "is a bump that I raised while chopping firewood this morning. One of the pieces of wood got up and landal me one on the napper. Furthermore, it's sore ; and if you don't take your bally fingers off it, I'll raise a lump on your head that will bea.- the biggest bump of reason that ever existed." The phrenologist seemed annoyed. Running his fingers through my hirsute adornment, he said : " Yo»r bump of intellect, although evidently lully developed, is singularly small. In fact, it doesn't exist. Your bump of insanity, on the other hand, is abnormally large, and the bump of criminality occupies the major portion of your head." I said : "Bump of criminality be jiggered ! What you're fingering there, you lop-sided, left-handed, putty-headed umbrella, is a bump that I contracted through having an argument with Jack Patterson on the twelfth of July. Gimme my money back." He refused to accede to my request. I slew him, and passed on. I found another fat female, whose speciality is crystal gazing. I said : " I will see this circus, please." She said : " A vaunt, bad man ! This isn't a circus. If, perchance, thou would' st delve into the mysteries of the future, say on." I said : "I woulsl'st'" She said : "Five shillings, please." Reluctantly I again cashed up, and the fat female produced a globe of crystal, into which she commanded me to gaze. Which I did. " See'st thou aught ?" she inquired. I told her exactly what I thought of her bally crystal, and, with the curt remark that the use of profane language was not permitted on the premises, she showed me out. A long and lanky individual, who alleged that he was an astrologist, was the next person that I visited. I said : "Good afternoon.. Kindly get the bally fakemejig to work, and tell me my destiny." He said*: "Five shillings, please." I said : " Now, look here, old tintacks, this is getting monotonous. I have already paid out nearly a pound to various various alleged soothsayers, and I'll

be eternally jiggered it I've got anything for it. Get to work with your beastly stars, and, if the result is satisfactory, I'll cash up. Savvy ?" He didn't savvy. lio said :" I cannot see the stars properly I'or less than five shillings." But he did. With a yell that would have put all the efforts of the local Liedertafel to shame, 1 sprang 011 him, and, in less than five seconds, he had seen 55,000,321 stars of various magnitude and brilliancy. Nor did it cost me a penny. Having perpetrated this philanthropic deed, I departed thence. If Mr T. Gresham wants me as a witness at the inquest, he may obtain my incorrect address by applying at this office.