The Fretful Procupine

Observer, Volume XXIX, Issue 44, 17 July 1909, Page 16

The Fretful Procupine

THAT the Thames low level mining companies have accepted the modified subsidy offered by the Government for the 1000' feet level prospecting crosscut, and decided to proceed with the work, is a matter for general congratulation. There were wry faces when tho limitation of the State grant to £5000 was ami ou noed, and for a time the project seemed to hang in the balance. But, after all, it was a reasonable amount of public assistance to a scheme in which the principal monetary interests are those of private capitalists, and had the oompanies held back they might reasonably have been accused of sulking, or of wishing to lean too heavily upon the State.

However, they have accepted the subsidy in the heartiest spirit, and a work upon which the whole future of the Thames gold field must depend is to proceed. By the time the £15,000 prospecting fund whioh is in sight has been expended it. will be sufficiently proved whether the deep level strata at the Thames are a 6 highly auriferous as tbe surface levels, and that is the main question. Then it will be timo enough to consider whether further expenditure by either State or private individuals is likely to produce good results. The matter for congratulation is that the Thames deep levels are to be thoroughly tested at last.

It was to be expected that the Police Enquiry would bring to the surface all sorts of complaints, reasonable and unreasonable, and Royal Commissioner Bishop's task in sorting them out is not one to be coveted. The sensation of the inquiry, so far, is the assertion by Inspector O'Brien of Dunedin, of an impression

said to exist throughout the Force' that Police ConKmissionier Dinnie has stationed in each, centre an emissary whose function it is to report. to him any criticisms of his own administration that policemen may be heard to utter. This, of oourse, is 'a. statement easily made, and so far Mr O'Brien, has .given no proof in support of it.. ' But certainly the public will expect /that Commissioner Bishop j before -he! -reports, will assure himself whether there exists such unrest as the general entertainment of such an idea is certain to cause in the Force, and particularly whether there is even the colour of ground for suspecting such intolerable espionage.

The Parnell Borough Counoil is agitated because there are so many dogs in. the borough. Why not give some of the greyhounds the Council's minute book to chew ? If they survived that, they would survive anything. It must be admitted, however, that the problem of how to keep down the supply of livestock of a.n undesirable nature is becoming aoute. What with worms at Northcote, and rats at Devonport, and dogs at Parnell, the situation is somewhat alarming.

Oh, dogs delight to bark and bite — It is their nature to. The giddy worm delights to squirm — 'Tis all that he can do. Tlie wily rat annoys the cat. This statement, no doubt, odd is — A menagerie like this, you see, Annoys the local bodies.

Stated that the tram conductors, after their usual independent fashion, have decided to change the name of the Royal Oak stopping place to " Five Lamps." Which doesn't show any very great amount of originality on the part of the said conductors. We have already a " Three Lamps," and to bring a "Five Lamps" into being will only tend to cause confu°ion to the soul of the unsophisticated stranger within our gates. Instead of " Five Lamps " why not call it Rosser'H Corner, or Rosserville, or Arthur's Seat ? Any of these names is a great deal more appropriate and poetical than " Five Lamps."

To illustrate the dictum that the life of a country postmaster is not all beer and skittles, P. Blundell gives in the Hokianga " Tinies " this breezy sketch of a comedy which ho lately witnessed in a post office not a thousand miles from Rawene : — Scene one : Mails just arrived, everybody busy sorting. Chief busy with a settler over advances to setlers' business. Enter two ancient Maori squaws with pension claims ; there also enters a fussy old lady from the backbloclcs. " Good morning, sir," she says. " Good morning, madam," says the postmaster, not looking up from his occupation. "Now, young man,"- she says, "don't be harsh, how much are penny stamps ?" " One penny, of course," replies he. "Then give me one, please." 'Excuse me a moment," says the postmaster to the settler, "who really has the prior claim. He then produces a sheet of stamps, and begins to take one off the corner.

But that doesn't suit the lady, who, in a shrill piercing tone, says : " No, I'd like that one out of the middle." To locate more clearly the desired pennyworth she plumps the end oi her parasol down the particular stamp. Now, that parasol was about the size of Worth's circus tent, and was wet, and muddy at the end, so that when it came with a bump on to the poor little stamp there was a free shower bath. The settler talked of jam and butter (farmers always talk of such things when " going to market ") ; the postmaster, being a " civil " servant, merely wiped the mud from his eye. Madam, with a prehensible grab, takes the stamp, and sticks it on the letter.

The postmaster heaves a sigh of relief and goes back to the settler's business ; but, alas, the elderly lady enters again, and says : " Oh, young man, amy letters for me ?" The postmaster, getting red in face, asks : "What name, please ?" "Mrs Baeksection." "No, nothing for you, Madam." ""Well, there ought to have been." Postmaster hastily replies, "I'm busy, woman, can't you see?" With a "good morning," she retreats.

Another attempt is made to get on with the settler's business, -wheal in comes Mrs Backsection again, tumbling over her feet in her hurry to lift one before she puts the other down. " Oh, young man, would you mind giving me that letter back I've just posted, as I want to tell Nellie not to come next steamer, because Grandmother is .stopping with us, and she can't have her bed till sbe goes?" "Madam, that's utterly impossible ; when a letter is once in the office it must reach its destination." "Young man, give me back that letter, or I'll go and tell my husband." "Blow you and your husband, too, woman," was his reply (I think tiiat is what he said — anyway,

it began with a B). The old lady retires in wrath, and the postmaster has another pop at the settler's business.

The ancient Maori squaw now oommences. She lacks a tooth-pick, has been chewing dried shark, and the youngster on her back has had a severe oold from birth (at least it looks like that). She pushed her pension paper under the official's nose, and treats him (gratis) to a whiff of poisonous dead-dog tobacco smoke, which makes him splutter and gasp. Then the aboriginal Venus rasps out :. "I takee pension ?" This puts the finishing touch on the matter. He is only human, this poor fellow — even if he is a postmaster — so he waves the dusky jewel to one side, and says, " D it, Taihoa."

The advertised notice of a dance held the other evening at Fencourt, in the Waikato, bore the signature "A. Pretty, hon. sec " Tt ought to be safe to conclude that that jollification was a success. At any rate, the committee showpd worldly wisdom in their choice of tbeir executive official. With a pretty hon. sec, whether the said secretary be masculine or feminine, there could hardly fail to be a bumper attendance.

At a recent spiritualistic seance at the Central Hall, the presiding individual opened the proceedings by remarking " We shall have a hymn to commence with, for there is nothing more powerful than singing to bring the departed back to tbis vale of tears once more." Judging from some singing we have heard, the said spirits would be inclined by it to prefer stopping where they are to returning to this vale of tears.

Bart Kent, head of tbe Chamber of Commerce, is canny in declining to plump for either side in the disputation as to which route the continuation of the Northern Trunk Railway ought to take, and only deciding to give the dissentients from tbe Ministerial decision a fair field and no favour. But in countenancing further controversy at all, are not Mr Kent and the Chamber giving an excuse to the Government for the hanging up of expenditure upon the railway works? Two routes are available, eacb of which is favoured by tbe particular section of country which it would most directly serve, .and Minister and Department, after long delay, have selected one of them. Probably it will be impossible ever to get unaniirity as to which route is preferable. But isn't it better to bave one of them constructed while there is money available, than to have the extension postponed indefinitely, and the differences of the settlers assigned as a plausible reason ? Surely Auckland haß Buffered enough in tbe past from the delaying of public works to make this question worth consideration by all the parties concerned.

One of our leading local medicos was recently going the round of his patients, when he met an acquaintance who, to his knowledge, had for some time been out of a billet. " Hullo," observed the medico ; " have you got a job?" " Yes," replied the acquaintance, "I'm following you fellows. It's very lucrative." " What do you mean ?" queried the medico. Then tbe acquaintance produced his business card, which set forth the fact that he was the representative of a firm of monumental masons, which made a speciality of tombstones. Upon which the medico smiled a sickly grin, and passed on.

There have been high jinks in one of the newspaper offices of Otago, and it is the harmless, necessary compositor who is once more responsible. The other day a hotelkeeper published an advertisement in the said newspaper, which he meant to be headed with a bold line — " Where to Stay in Dunedin." When that notification came out in cold print, the Boniface grasped his best blackthorn and sallied forth in wrath to confront the advertising manager with the handiwork of his oflice. And why ? Only because the printer had made it to read " Where to Sty, etc." Such playful efforts of humour usually lead to painful explanations.

Thomas Gavin, of Te Aroha, has a theory that there is in Auckland province an abundance of capital awaiting investment, and that it could be turned into the channel of mine development on a large scale by proper " encouragement." That encouragement, he thinks, could be given if " Long Drive " Walker, or G. A. Buttle, or some such authority on mining, were to write up the history and prospects of mining on the Cape Colville Peninsula in a sufficiently attractive manner. Possibly it might. Seeing, however, that " Long Drive" Walker has been principally engaged in putting good things before British and colonial investors — the great Waihi and tbe Grand Junction are conspicuous examples — for the last twenty years or so, and V that the finding of investment for • capital is part of G. A. Buttles everyday business, tbe chances are that they ■■"■-. .' have already secured for mining all the : loose money that comes within their spheres of influence. In any case, isn't Mr Gavin's notion that mining can be made " a legitimate business : yjy and not a gamble " rather refreshing ?

Oh, the vaudeville home ain't what it used to be, Tho' vaudeville stars onco brightly shone ; Now no artists we've got save a very poor lot, Oh, won't you please pity poor John ? For a lion comique it is useless to seek, For now ho's extinct as tho moa : Comedians to-day would drive people away With their jokes, once related by Noah. The short-skirted girl who flies round in a whirl Of lace, and is known as a "serio," Has rarely a voice (tho' her limbs may be choice) And her dancing is dreadfully dreary, oh I Of conjurors, too, we have got very few With any original habits, And the public is sick of the stereotyped trick Of turning boiled ©p^ into rabbits.

Towards jugglers my mind is adversely inclined, ( For we've none who is other than , tame. And each juggler one meets has the | same silly feats, Which is really a matter for blame. ' Our vocalists all oan do nothing but ' bawl, Or screech like a cat on the spree. And their singing, 'tis plain, would cause anyone pain — What's become of the singers like me ? Oh, I weep and I sigh, there's a tear in my eye (And I haven't had onions to-day). But 'tis hard, you may tell, to bid vaudeville farewell, But the last parting words I must say. Now my faith I repose in biograph shows — 'Tis a game that's financially good. So tho' vaudeville may die, you may safely rely That I'm still entertaining in. moad. a

It is not at all likely that many members of the King's College Old Boys' Association felt inclined to accept the invitation extended to theni last Saturday by their secretary. The said invitation ran as follows : — F.OOTBA L L ICING'S COLLEGE V. GRAMMAR. A Brake will leave tbe corner of Shortlandstreet TO-DAY ;(Saturday), at 2 p.m. All Old Boys are specially requested to roll ovit. D. DOFAUR, Hon. Sec. King's College Old Boys' Associslfciorl. Considering the present state of the roads, it is rather uncharitable on D» Dufaur's part to expect the old boys to roll out of the brake, though doubtless such a spectacle would have been entertaining to fche general public. Anyway, the entertainment didn't come ofl, which, under the circumstances, is not to be wondered at.

There was an amusing incident at a Blenheim wedding one day last week. The best man, evidently feeling rather excited and flustered, forgot ail about his bat until he discovered the fact during a shower of confetti. Asking the bridesmaid to wait in the carriage, he bolted back to the church for his head-covering, and just at the door ran into the arms of the officiating minister. This reminded him that he had also forgotten to pay the wedding fee. He pulled up short, and, producing it from his pocket, tendered it, with the remark : " Here's your fee— here's the organist's fee— but where's my hat ?"

After a considerable search, he obtained his top-piece, and, dashing oufc of the church, discovered to his horror that during the interval the bridesmaid had departed, and left him all by his little self. Fortunately, all the wedding party had not left, and - a motorcar, just on the eve of starting, carried him safe and sound to the reception held afterwards at the home of the bride's parents, where he quite recovered his equanimity.

Orators who hold forth at " presentation " functions are sometimes afc top become like Tennyson's " Brook," in that they go on for ever. At a recent event of this nature, however, the leading speaker went a step further. A presentation was to be made to a tetiring civil service official, and to the person referred to was entrusted the task of making the presentation. He was a conscientious individual, and he decided to do the job properly. Therefore, he wrapped a wet towel round his head and prepared an oration that would have done credit to the late Mr Maicus Antonius. When the auspicious evening arrived, the orator arose, and nobly flung his masterpiece ofl his manly bosom. The speech occupied the besfc part of an hour in delivery, and, long before its termination, fche audience began to exhibit signs of restiveness. The speechmaker, however, was not to be disconcerted by a small circumstance of that kind ; and, having pursued the Oration to the bitter end, he sat down, mopped his perspiring brow, and looked confidently round for applause.

He didn't get any applause. On fche contrary, the conclusion of that magnificent speech was greeted wifch a chilly silence, followed by several disconcerting remarks. The chairman leant over to the orator. "Go on, you silly jugginß," said he, "finish the job." "What job?" inquired the aggrieved orator. " Hang it ! haven't I said enough?" "Probably you have," retorted the chairman; "but you've left out the . most important part of the whole affair— you haven't made the presentation." It was even so. The speaker bad been so wrapped up in the alleged sublimity of his oratory that he had overlooked the fact that he was to make the presentation to the guest of the evening. Once more the orator arose. The audience gasped. Was he about to perpetrate another lengthy speech? He was not. In about six words he made the presentation, and subsided into his seat, and this time a thunder of applause greeted the conclusion of his remarks. He has sworn never to compose another lengthy oration so long as he lives. V ''-■<„

One of the ship's company of the s.s. Wai ahi got a severe shock on waking I !.•' other morning. His upper row of tieth are artificial, and he was in the habit, before retiring to his virtuous berth, of taking them out and depositing them on his wash-hand stand. On the morning referred to, he discovered, with a thrill of dismay, that the false molars had vanished. Disconsolately, he searched the length and breadth of the cabin, but without any result. Clearly, a thief had come in the dead of night, and, for some reason or another, had got away with those teeth. Forthwith, the bereft one, with dismay and indignation on his countenance, went round the ship making proclamation of his loss, and offering a full pardon and a reward to tbe person who bad appropriated the teeth, if he would only return them.

The response on the part of the bereft one's shipmates was unsympathetic, and consisted for the most part of contumely and guffaws. In the meantime, the sufierer wandered disconsolately round with a bare upper gum, and was reduced to the sad necessity of dieting himself upon bread and milk, and similar simple but somewhat unsatisfactory fare. Also, he was confronted by the painful necessity of investing three guineas or so in a new set of teeth, while suspicion against every other member of the ship's comp-

any rankled in his mind. This suspicion was unjust, as was proved an hour or two afterwards. One of the crew, while rummaging in a dark corner of the forecastle, discovered the lost teeth, and evidence plainly showed that they had been carried thither by a marauding rat, who, finding them unsatisfactory as an article of diet, had discarded them. They were returned to their sorrowing owner, whose resnltant joy was touching to witness. He now deposits them in a rat-proof receptacle every night.

The latest thing in broad hints comes from Dargaville. Apparently, the secretary of one of the football clubs there has not been putting his shoulder into hiß work in the way that some of tbe members considered necessary. As a delicate way of hinting afc the dissatisfaction, it was proposed at a club meeting the other evening that an assistant secretary be appointed. " But why appoint an assistant ?" asked someone. " Oh," replied the original mover, "because our secretary isn't carrying out the duties allotted to him." Within five seconds that secretary had taken the hint, and handed in his resignation, and another was chosen in his stead. But isn't the man who could break the ice in that diplomatic way fit for some higher sphere of usefulness than the executive of a football club ?