The Fretful Procupine

Observer, Volume XXIX, Issue 43, 10 July 1909, Page 16

The Fretful Procupine

PlPk'^CE again, the prognostications pi 1 of the Observe*, concerning il" the folly of berthing big ships S&eroßs- -wind and tide b ?f n gfeome out by facts. During the l&ce&t gale, the s.s. Kaikoura, which Wmob lying at th© Railway Wharf, pfjkiinped heavily, the result being il&ai she damaged the ferro-concrete spiles, knocked some, flakes of conl^eiete off the underside of the whart Sf&jcking, and carried away a bollard. According to the weather 'p prophets, there are plenty more teaales coining, not counting the ecjmISSoctialfi, and if every gale is going $to cause damage to the Railway fvWharf, the chapter of accidents will be a lengthy one. bo will tne l^^bill for repairs.

C J Parr is charitably disposed. He says that the free school books problem has given headache to himself and his fellow-members of the Education Board, and suggests that their best course is to transfer the puzzle to the school committees, and let them worry it out. The prospect of some hundreds of committeemen throughout the province sitting up a-nights with wet towels around throbbing heads trying to make a sixpenny grant buy eightoenpence worth of books is hardly likely to be received by the oommittees as a benevolent bequest.

: If the Auckland Harbour Board brings about the reform in its own constitution which is proposed from within, it will become one of the most Liberal institutions in the Dominion, instead of one of the most Conservative. The proposal us that the Board shall be electecl by the Parliamentary voters of Auckland and the adjacent counties, with two nominees of the Government as the only outsiders. No special representatives of the Chamber of Commerce and none of the

payers of dues. Both these* classes are recognised by the schemeas only middlemen, the real payers, of the Board's revenue being the. consumers, to whom the harbourcharges are passed on. From the. absence of hostile criticism on the. part of the traders' representatives; now on the Board, it is fair to assume that they have become as Lib-eral-minded as the framer of the scheme, and are prepared to b& snuffed out. The idea is so revolutionary as to suggest that a local government millennium must be near at hand. Still, we haven't attained it yet.

Cabled that a cry of " tire " in a bigNew York drapery emporium, where a bargain sale was in progress, caused eu mal rush by 600 women who were in the building at the time. Here's a>. valuable tip for husbands whose: wives leave them outside in the street to mind the family pram, while they revel in the alleged joys of a bargain sale. When hubby gets tired of waiting, all he has to do is to Btep inside the door ot the shop, and yell " Fire !" That will fetch the crowd. Anyway, it's the only method we know of by which a woman can be tempted away from the fascination of a bargain sale.

Those cold-water enthusiasts who pin their faith to the theory that Nolicense diminishes the consumption of liquor have something to explain away in the fact that No-license lnvercargill manufactured 5350 gallons more beer in the quarter just ended than in the corresponding period of last year. It has to be remembered that the lnvercargill breweries necessarily produce almost entirely for home consumption, and that the liquor is vended under difficulties, in that it must needs be exported to depots outside the borough before it can be retailed to town consumers. The total excise duty collected in the town represents an outpat of nearly 35,000 gallons, which, even if it stood alone, would be a pretty tidy liquor stream for a " temperance" town that, with neighbouring boroughs, numbers about 11,000 inhabitants. In addition to the local production, however, there must also be a large sale from these depots of the brews from Dunedin and elsewhere.

NEABING THE BRINK,

Possibly the " Herald," in publishing last Saturday a sketch of an American author's fantastic suggestion that Britain will become an Arctic waste through the construction of the Panama Canal, failed to remember that the same idea was exploited in its own columns some twenty-five years ago, and more brightly than is apparently done by the Yankee writer of to-day. As a matter of fact, this was one of the three jokes with which the late G. M. Reed twisted the legs of Aucklanders, and a good part of the rest of the world, in the famous " April Fool " issue of the " Herald " for which he manufactured the clever story of the discovery of the wreck of Noah's Ark on Mount Ararat. The Ark joke obtained a world-wide currency, and by its brilliancy it so eclipsed the two companion stories that they are almost forgotten.

One of these stories, however, contained all the essentials of L. P. Gratacap's present day sketch of the devastation of England in consequence of a diversion of the Gulf Stream through the Panama Canal. Even the exodus of her population to a Gi eater Britain in Australasia was anticipated, and Mr Reed gave a glowing forecast of the vivifying effect which the influence of the Gulf Stream would have upon the islands of the Pacific. But his theory of the means of diversion was more ingenious than Gratacap's. Briefly, it was that a sandy area stretching across Nicaragua, but now overgrown with forest, had been discovered, and that an American scheme was afoot to form a canal through it, in lieu of the more costly Panama one. From this he proceeded to deduce the probable effects upon the British Isles. After all, the jokes of the world move in cycles, but it is remarkable that the present day conductors of the '• Herald " do not appear to have recognised an obvious plagiarism from its own columns.

Some gay and festive person has been enjoying a practical joke at the expense of T. Harle Giles and a modest individual who places his services, for a consideration, at the disposal of a well-known Queen-street firm. It seems that the said young business man has been lodged in surroundings that do not quite accord with his fastidious tastes. Accordingly, he desired to make a change to more congenial quarters, and, as a means to that end, he proclaimed his requirements to the world in the following advertisement, which appeared in the columns of the " Star " a few evenings ago : — REFINED young Gentleman, in business, desires comfortable Home in respectable private family, near Choral Hall; terms no object if suitable.— Beply O. 32, " Star" Office.

Aa a matter of course, the advertiser was inundated with applications/ "Comfortable homes" of varying degrees of luxury are almost as thick as blackberries in and about the city nowadays. To their owners the chance of securing the patronage of a "re- / i ■

fined yo an g gentleman" — didn't his own testimonial guarantee that this was his character? — was too good to be lost. Of all the lodgings proffered, however, none suited the young man's tastes so well as those described in a letter at the foot of which appeared, in a genuinely feminine handwriting, the name of Mrs T. Harle Giles.

The accommodating writer assured the seeker of " diggings " that though it was not her usual way to take in boarders, she had been struck with the tone of his advertisement;. She wished him to know that she had a delightfully situated home in the neighbourhood specified, which she felt constrained by his advertisement to offer to him. Farther, she descanted upon the glories of the outlook, and the comforts she was prepared to provide, promised him maternal attentions in two or three specific respects, and placed at his disposal the family motorcar and steam launch — and all for an exceedingly reasonable weekly subsidy. Finally, the writer requested the " refined young gentleman" to come along and see the Symonda-street haven for himself, and to bring her letter with him by way of introduction.

The " refined young gentleman " looked upon the bargain as so nearly clinched that he displayed the lady's answer to his fellow lodgers at the diggings he proposed to abandon, and made them green with envy .at the luxuries and attention that were promised him. True to the lady's appointment, he presented himself at the Giles mansion next evening, and submitted the prescribed introduction. Mrs Harle Giles was, of oonrse, politeness itself, but her visitor froze to the marrow when she announced, after scanning the letter, that she had neither seen nor heard of it until that moment. There was no need to mince matters — the " refined young gentleman " had been hoaxed.

Then Conciliator Giles himself was called upon to preside over an extemporised council. Suppressing the natural inclination to mirth, he exhibited indignation at the liberty which had been taken with the name of his household. Moreover, Mr Giles was puzzled as to how the practical joker had become aware of his intention to become the proprietor of a steam launch and a motor-car. However, all his experience as an inquisitor and a handwriting expert failed to discover any evidence as to the source of the misleading letter, and the investigation was necessarily postponed sine die. It was a chastened "refined young gentleman " that had to go back to his old quarters and explain that he was not, after all, to become an inmate of the Giles mansion and share the pleasures of that motor-oar and launch. However, there were plenty of luxurious quarters to be had in other directions, and the roasting of which he received a foretaste from his chumg made him glad to hasten in making a selection.

A " Herald " scribe, in a desperate attempt to create a sensation and get ahead of the "Star's" fortune-telling expert, recently attended a spiritualistic seance, and mentions the fact that, on entering, be deposited a " modest " contribution in the collection plate at the door. He doesn't mention whether the said "modest" contribution took the form of a trousers button, or a peppermint drop, or even a whole penny, but it is utterly superfluous to mention that the contribution was a " modest " one. It is in the nature of "Herald" reporters to be modest — especially in monetary contributions. They can't help themselves.

There has been rather a peculiar sequel to the recent Supreme Court case in which William Bannerman, manager of the Coatley Home, was charged with assaulting an inmate named William Law. It transpires that all the inmates who appeared as witnesses received their expenses, and very substantial expenses, too. Law, for attending at the Supreme Court for two days, received £2 Bs, and for a similar period of attendance at the Lower Court he was paid 12a, making a total of £3. Two other inmates received £2 14s each, and one £2 Bs. This money was taken out to the Costley Home by Constable Roberts, and paid to these inmates personally. ■ • •

The point is that not one of these men was put to any expense whatever in attending at either of the courts. The cost of conveying them to and from the home was defrayed by the Charitable Aid Board, who, it is stated, thoughtfully provided them with a cab, a tramcar being too plebeian a type of vehicle for these gentlemen of leisure to travel in. Also, since inmates of the Costley Home are maintained at the expense of the ratepayers, it follows that the witnesses referred to suffered no financial loss in attending to give evidence. On the contrary, they received several nice jaunts into town at the ratepayers 9 expense. It may therefore be asked with relevancy why they should have received any remuneration at all. In any case, £2 8s seems an excessive sum to pay such men for attending for two days at the Supreme Court?. Were they professional people, whose time represented money, it might be comprehensible enough ; but, under the circumstances, the payment appears quite unwarranted, and it would be interesting to learn on whose recommendation it was made.

Some city councillors, especially when first elected to that august position, take themß'?lv«s very seriously, and have a high opinion of their own importance. At a recent meeting of the local City Council, the "Star" reporter was buttonholed by one of the new councillors. " See here," observed the latter, severely ; " what do you mean by this? I have made several most interesting speeches at Council meetings recently, and your beastly paper has published hardly a line of them. But I notice you give plenty of space to the remarks of the older councillors. Explain why this is thus ?" The reporter wasn't abashed. *; That's easy," he replied. "We. believe in letting new councillors down easy at first, until they've gained a bit of experience in civic matters. You ought to be grateful to us for not printing your remarks. You'll find out the truth of this later on." And he departed, leaving the indignant councillor snorting not wisely but too well.

It is understood that the principal witnesses that will appear before the Police Commission when it sits in Auckland will be the Hon. T. Thompson, M.L.C., F. Lawry, M.P., Alfred Kidd and H. Mcllhone, better known to fame as the Cardinal. Whether these witnesses possess any prize packets remains to be seen.

New Zealand has now, or has had in the past, many champions. Dick Arnst is the champion sculler of the world. Bob Fitzsimmons was at one time the champion pugilist. The "All Blacks " were the champion footballers. And now, judging from a recent advertisement in the " Herald," another would-be champion has arisen. This individual answers to the poetical name of Otto A. Noffke, and the advertisement runs as follows : — WILL the gentleman who offered to Waltz Mv Otto A. Noffke, please put up his money at once ? *£25. Waiting.— O. A. Noffke. Which conjures up the following disgraceful perpetration : — Waltz me round a little bit longer, Otto Noffke, do. Let your pace be a little bit stronger, Stick to it like glue. Tho' you're tired, 'tis safe to claim Otto ought to win the game. Waltz me for those twenty-five quidlets, Otto Noffke, do.

. Reported at the last meeting of the Harbour Board that, during the recent gale, the stem line of the s.s. Kaikoura, which was berthed at the Railway Wharf, carried away one bollard of very tough casting. This will never, never do. We always thought that John Bollard was too tough cast to let a little thing like the stern rope of the Kaikoura carry him away. John takes a deal of carrying. Mr Massey ought to see into this matter. The Opposition party is not too strong as it is, and if big steamers are to be permitted to piratically carry away the stoutest members thereof, it will be weaker still.

Quite So ! When ladies' thoughts no more on fashion dwell ; When men no longer lie, their goods to sell ; When politicians say just what they think ; When prohibitionists admit that drink Is not the cause of ALL iniquity ; When lawyers mingle law with equity ; When servants husband well the masters' means ; When masters hold not servants as machines ; When labour leaders equal zeal display For raising work, as w*ll as raising pay; When Maori land boards cease to cry " Taihoa !" And Maori lands unfruitful weeds to grow; When we shall mark that these good things have come, We may look out for the Millennium. — T. W. Davies.

Rather a good story was told on the Main Trunk train the other day by a man who said the facts transpired in his small township, away up North. It concerned the one local policeman. "Cases" are very rare in his neigh* bourhood, and some time back the local constable came across his landlord hopelessly incapable. The chance waß too good to be missed, so the landlord was brought before the local Jay . Pee, and fined, with costs, to the amount of 14s 6d.< The fine was paid without a murmur, but the policeman was odd man out over the business, after all. When he got home that • . •-,••■ >./,;. sr-s-.'-^v..',--.; ' : „

night he received a note to the effect that his rent had been raised sixpenca per week. The "rise" continued for twenty-nine weeks, when the landlord coolly informed him that " he had paid the tine now, and hie rent would be reduced to its former level."

The methods adopted by the British Medical Association, in its desperate desire to crush the outside medicos, are sometimes despotic, to say the least of it. It is related that the owner of a private hoßpital recently had the temerity to admit into the institution two patients of one of the "ostracised" doctors. The autocratic B.M.A. promptly got on the track of the hospital owner who had dared to do this thing. It is alleged that the lady was rung up by a member of the B.M.A. and ordered to at once expel the offending patients. In default, she was, it is stated, threatened with summary ostracism at the hands of the B.M.A. If these statements are true, and if such terrorising tactics continue to. be employed, it will certainly be necessary - for the Government to take some action to safeguard the interest and health of those unfortunates who have come under the ban of the high and mighty B.M. A.

It s all nonsense to say that a zoo couldn't easily be started in Auckland. There is plenty of material available. : To begin with, a Lyon could be pro-^ cured from Archie Clark and Sons, and the same firm could supply a finelooking Bullock and a playful Squirrel!. A Bull would probably be forthcoming from the British Medical Association. A Kidd may be found in High-street, and any number of sportive little dears in Queen-street. By searching among the timber stacks in Freeman's Bay a Lamb would probably be found. Plenty of bears are available on the Stock Exchange. L. D. Nathan could be relied upon to come to light with an ostrich. A Peacocke is procurable - locally, and, if not, we could import oi^e from Waibi. Various types of ravenous wild beasts may be found in any restaurant abo.ut noon. And if an aquarium is also wanted, the Trades; and Labour Council could furnish m£Spratt. A Salmon and a Maokrell ate also available, and the Police BarrMki * 1 ebuld ■apjply j ß»|efl. :^^ Ji.:<\^ -.^ W^