MANNERS FOR TRAMMERS.

Observer, Volume XXIX, Issue 42, 3 July 1909, Page 18

MANNERS FOR TRAMMERS.

SOriE HINTS ON TRAHCAR ETIQUETTE

NEVER on any account give up your seat to a lady. Remember that women are miles below men ■ in the scale of creation. If the woman ■ is carrying a baby, so much the better. The jolting of the car will afford the baby plenty of healthy exercise, and , the mother will also receive much . healthy benefit in this direction. Anyway, a woman has no right to bring a baby out with her. If she hasn't a servant she should chain the baby up to the leg of the kitchen 'table, or leave it in charge of the dog. When paying a penny fare, always tender the conductor a two shilling piece, and, on receiving your change, ' make a point of insisting that you gave him half-a-crown. If he argues the point, threaten to report him for ■ insolence. Conductors were brought into the world to be badgered. Bad- , ger 'em accordingly. When you receive change, always remember to drop it, and insist upon the conductor picking it up for you. You should particularly remember to do this when the car is crowded. Conductors revel in doing work of this nature. Should the conductor, for any reason, refuse to obey your orders, report him for insubordination. ■ If you are in a smoking com par t- ■ ment, and there is a lady sitting next you, don't on any account forget to puff as much tobacco smoke as possible into her face. The fouler the pipe, the better. She likes it ; and, if she doesn't, it is quite clear that she has no right to be in that compartment. "If the other compartment is full, she ought to get out and walk. Explain this obvious fact to her if she complains of your pipe. Women are so thick-headed. It is not your business to inform the ; conductor at what stopping place you wish to alight. He should be able to know without being told. If, however, he should fail to stop the car at the spot desired by you, threaten to report him for gross neglect of . duty, and ostentatiously take his number in front of the other passengers. If you can only get the motor- . man to stop long enough, this will furnish you with quite a pleasant little entertainment. If you are strap-hanging, and a seat becomes vacant, don't let any false sentiment prevent you from making a wild dash to appropriate it. The more ''■.. toes you tread upon, the more eyes you poke out with the point of your umbrella, the more ladies' hats you squash out of all shape, and the more ' general injuries you cause, the greater '■„ will be the gratitude of the passengers in general and the ladies in particular. Having obtained a seat, take up as much room on it as possible. Don't budge on any consideration. If the fndlvidual next to you dares to suggest that you might move up a little, , bestow upon him a frigid glare. If, upon entering a car, the conductor informs you that he has already got the full complement of passengers allowed by the by-laws, make a point of counting all the passengers at least three times over before you consent to leave the car. This proceeding causes joy to the conductor, and ensures /satisfaction to yourself. Always deposit your ticket in the depths of the most inaccessible pocket you possess, and keep the inspector waiting as long as you can when he askß to see it. Inspectors are there for that purpose. They quite like it. 1 Also* when wriggling to find your ticket, cause as much inconvenience, annoyance, and damage to your immediate neighbours as possible. This j. will prove your superiority and noble j., independence of character. -

If you are carrying a bundle of fish home, don't forget to sit noxt to a lady who is dressed in her Sundaybest raiment, and brush the fish against her dress as much as possible. Should she remonstrate, inform her that you have paid for your seat, and have as much right there as she has. When getting out, flourish your bundle of fish in the faces of as many passengers as possible. The sea air will benefit them. When in a smoking compartment, expectorate as freely all possible. This may be an infringement of the bylaws, but it will afford gratification to any ladies who may happen to be sitting next you, especially it the said ladies are going home to their dinners. If your umbrella is wet, don't fail to let it drip over the clothes of the person next you. And if you possess a wet and frisky dog, fetch him into the car with you. The conductor will ultimately chivvy it out, but before he succeeds in doing so, it is probable that the dog will have done irretrievable damage to the garments of quite a number of people. Also, don't forget to threaten to report the conductor for ill-using your dog. Should you be sitting next to a nervous old lady, especially if she is from the country, entertain her with stories of fatal accidents that have occurred to people riding on that very line and in that very car. Assure her that the motorman is intoxicated, and is driving the car at a dangerous rate of speed. Inform her, in your most tragic tones, that the car is bound to miss the next set of point?, and that all the passengers will be hurled to destruction. Confide to her the fact that this sort of thing happens quite three times a week in Auckland, but that the public hear nothing about it because the papers are bribed by the Tramway Company to suppress all particulars. If you possess a vivid imagination, you ought to be able to frighten that old lady into fits in no time. Should she go into hysterics, all the better. There will be more room for you on the seat. By reading a newspaper in the car, you will be able to create many opportunities for making yourself agreeable to the person next to you. In unfolding the paper— which you should do as often as possible — thrust your elbow violently against his nose or into his eye. If you can succeed in knocking his hat off, or in blacking his eye, or in making his nose bleed, your time has not been wasted, nor have your efforts been in vain. [Note. — To ensure the success of this experiment without incurring any personal damage, it is advisable that you select a small, weak, and meek man to sit next to. Otherwise, results may turn ouc contrary to your expectations.] When scrap-hanging, stagger and sway about as much as possible. Tread on as many feet as you can. If you are carrying a heavy parcel, so much the better. Drop it at intervals on the hat of the person sitting beneath your strap. He will probably get sick of it at last, and offer you his seat. If he is wearing a siik hat, he is almost certain to do so. At least, he will;either rise and offer you his seat, or rise and thump you on the nose. In either case you score. If yon don't get his seat, you have the sport of summonsing him for assault and battery. If you are a lady, you can always make sure of getting plenty of sitting room by wearing a hat pin that sticks out a yard on each side of your head. Don't forget that the conductor enjoys standing waiting for his fare, therefore, always keep your purse where you oan't get at it without standing up and disturbing everybody in your immediate neighbourhood. .

If you are the possessor of a baby with healthy lungs, always take it in the car with yon. Other passengers like the music. If they don't they are brutes. Tell 'em so. Always bear in mind King Solomon's wise remark : " Train up a child in the way it should go, and when it is over twelve years old it will still have the savvy to swear blind to the car conductor that it hasn't turned eleven yet." Should the conductor doubt your offspring's word, report him immediately for insulting you by casting a doubt upon the family veracity. By bearing in mind the above simple instructions, you can make tramtravelling entertaining and instructive to yourself, and exciting to your fellow creatures.