The Fretful Procupine

Observer, Volume XXIX, Issue 42, 3 July 1909, Page 16

The Fretful Procupine

THE statement recently made by Judge Kettle, to the effect that the Chinese do not Bpend their money in drink, is interesting. The natural inference to_ be drawn, from it is t*hat the Chow is free from the besetting sin of the white man. But while it is true that the average Celestial is rarely seen, entering a hotel, except to sell "cabbagee, it is no less true that he spends his 'cash in even less desirable things than alcoholic liquors. For instance, has Mr Kettle ever heard of pakapoo P If he hasn't, it might be worth his while to take a stroll in the direction of Wakefield-street on any Sunday. Furthermore, it may (and may not) be news to Mr Kettle that although John doesn't drink, he smokes opium, which is decidedly worse. Also, he indulges in other vices which must necessarily be nameless. Taking everything into consideration, the yellow man is not by any means so white as Mr Kettle paints him. ■ ■ •

To judge from some of the talk heard on 'Change amongst sanguine speculators it might be supposed that the deep level prospecting scheme iagjeed upon amongst the Thames mining companies meant the starting of a new mining boom straight away. Of oourse, it doesn't mean that at all. What it does mean is that the Thames is at last to see the undertaking of a scheme to which it has been looking forward to for the last thirty years, and which is going to either make or break the field. If gold is found at the 1000-feet level, the Thames will gain a solidity and prosperity such, as it has never known be,fore, but in the meantime the companies have to lay out a large amount of capital, and carry out operations that must occupy a couple of years. Also, the preliminaries for the pro-

viding of that capital cannot be arranged in a day, and the Government subsidy may possibly entail legislation. Wherefore it is necessary^ for the sanguine people to restrain their impatience to make fortunes, and # meanwhile to support with all their might the most important and most promising scheme the Thames has ever entered upon. • • c

Triumphantly recorded that A. W. Hogg, M. P., on arriving at Masterton recently, was welcomed by two brass bands. Hasn't he suffered enough already without this added form of martyrdom being thrust upon him ?

If the judgment of Mr Cutten, S.M.j with reference to prohibition order cases is conscientiously observed by hotel-keepers — and the safety of their business in these times of stress demands that it shall be — it means that every droughty person who is not personally known to the publican or his bar- tenders will have to risk the chance of a searching cross-examination whenever he applies for liquid refreshment. What this involves in the way of unpleasantness to people who are not and never will be prohibitees can easily be imagined. Before the prohibition order system is thoroughly enforced it will probably be necessary that a portrait of the prohibited person be attached to the ban issued against him. Or may it not happen that we shall see an identification committee of mixed Young Crusaders and friends of the licensed victuallers working in harmony as advisers to each hotel staff ? Wouldn't William Richardson and J. H. Muldoon, for instance, act with glee in helping to keep up the bar against the "black markers" 'i

It is to be hoped that the prosecution of a Karangahape road shopkeeper for exposing goods on the footpath la an earnest of a resolution on the part of the police authorities to keep all the city footpaths clear of obstruction. At any rate, it will be grossly unfair if they make fifih of Karangahape road small fry and flesh of Queen-street wholesale offenders.

Fred Clarkin and John Porter, of Waihi, are not enamoured of the Christchurch Cathedral, which fact, under the circumstances^, is not to be wondered at. Frederick and John recently deserted the Waiheathen fastnesses, and took a trip to the alleged home of " eulchaw " yclept Christchurch. While sauntering round the city of the plains, their eagle optics were struck by the cathedral tower. "Let us ascend," said Frederick. "Let's," replied John. They ascended. Half way up, they passed through a stout door on to a platform, and proceeded to feast their eyes upon the panorama tha,t was spread before them. While they were, rhapsodising, a nasty gust of wind came along, and not only banged the door behind them, but also effectually shot into its place the heavy piece of timber that acted as a bolt.

The Waiheathers waxed wroth . It was remarkably cold out on that platform, and a chill wind whistled through their hyacinthine tresses. " Let us go hence," said Frederick. "Let's," said John. But, alas ! they couldn't go thence. The door resisted all their efforts to open it. " Let us break the bally thing." said Frederick. " Let's," said John.^ But although the stalwart Olarkin charged manfully several times at the structure, it was of no avail. Escape was apparently impossible, and the two Waiheathene, shivering in the icy blast, looked at one another with dismay depicted on their Adonisian countenances. "Let us yell,' said Frederick, " peradventure a pa'sser-bv in the street will hear us." "Let's," said John. They yelled. Also, they howled. Further, they screamed. Likewise, they roared. And they made various other weird and unholy noises. But nary a passer-by could they attract .

By this time, they had been on their giddy and chilly perch for a

good hour, and were feeling rather desperate. " Let tis throw down our hats to attract attenton," Baid Frederick. "Let's," said John. "At least, throw your own down. It's the sort of thing that would attract attention anywhere." Down went Frederick's headgear, and he was considering the advisability of supplementing it with hip coat and even lees mentionable articles of attire, when a rescuer arrived in the person of the custodian of the cathedral. John and Frederick lost no time^ in making tracks for Waihi and civilisation.

Extract from a conversation between two Grammar School boys in a tramcar recently : — First boy : " Who's that bloke?" Second boy: "Dnnno. Looks a bit balmy, don't be?" This appears to be a striking example of the benefits that may be derived from the higher education.

In its Saturday horrible supplement the " Twinkler" recently gave some particulars concerning the allegedly marvellous feats of a " magnetic yonth," who, of course, lives in Yankeeland. Here is the account of one of the feats : — " When he entered a room where a basket full of eggs was sitting on a table, one of the eggs flew from the basket half-way across the room, striking the boy in the face with such force as to break the egg." But there's really nothing wonderful about that. This boy could apparently attract only one egg. We have seen J. W. Taylor, M.A. 8 attract dozens of them.

The Rev. D. Scott, of Oaehunga, who has received a " call " from the Presbyterians of Kelburne, may fairly boast that he is invited to " come up higher " For Kelburne is distinctly an elevated place. It is a suburb which might be described as having grown up within the last seven or eight years practically on the roof of Wellington, and is now a closely built extension of the city, with which it is connected by cable tram. If Mr Scott's financial position is to be correspondingly raised by the change he will be entitled to congratulations.

F. M. Jervis, otherwise " Dos," of the National Bank, is making the welkin ring just now with lamentations over the lose of his prize pointer. Thereby hangs a tale. The other day " Dos " set out upon a shooting expedition to the North, attended by his until then faithful hound. Wellsford was to be the jumping-ofl place for the outing, and there Mr Jervis spent a wild and restless night. That precious pointer was the cause of the trouble, for its yelps and howlings kept both its proprietor and his fellow-lodgers awake for a considerable part of the night. Eventually, Mr .Jervis himself quietened the disturber by the summary method of heaving a brick at it.

The pacifying process, however, was too thorough. Apparently, the aristocratic dog resented the indignity involved in treating it like one of the common or garden variety of cars that can be kicked or stoned with impunity. At any rate, it made itself scarce, and in the morning was not to be found, though every portion of Wellsford was beaten up in the search. And mark the sequel : " Dos " decided at last to set out without canine aid. Mile after mile of hill and gully he tramped without putting up a single bird. At last .^ one rose, and met its fate. As luck would have it, however, the bird dropped into a gully, and in recovering it the sportsman fell over a log, broke his gun in half, and narrowly escaped breaking bis own neck also. It was a disconsolate "Dos" that returned to town, minus dog, and sans almost any satisfaction from a trip that had been expected to yielq glorious results. ; ;

After getting a moral victory from the Supreme Court jury, which conBidered that he had been damaged to the extent of £50 by Pe^er Virtue's reflections upon his character, J. fit. Bradney finds himself deprived of his redress by means of a law point, and also cast in heavy costs of the trial and subsequent argument. Because the jury declared that Mr Virtue was not actuated by malice in charging Mr Bradney with perjury, though the charge was actually untrue, Mr Justice Edwards decides that he may have honestly believed in his charge, and have considered that he was performing a public duty in communicating it to the staff of the Observer, and that if he did so he was privileged in making the statement.

The judgment opens up bo rue remarkable possibilities as to the rumours that may safely be spread in future electioneering tactics, so long as the rumourist is able to maintain an appearance of sincerity and honest belief. However, expensive as the process has been to him, Mr Bradney still has his moral victory, for the affirmation of the jury that the charge of perjury made against him was groundless remains unafiected by the fi L xal judgment. Moreover, it is intending t° note that Mr Justice Edw * r ds distinctly disassociated himself fi."9 m responsibility for the particular finding upon which hia judgment w"a 8 based — said that he was interpret ipg the effect of the jury's verdict, a/id not the facts as he himself might hayv 1 * found them. From this disclaimer it is fair to conclude that had the cat'e been tried before the judge alone, the result would probably have been ver> r different.

As the Main Trunk train was flying through the King Country the other night, an excited individual rushed into one of the carriages and asked — " Has any gentleman here a whisky flask with him ? A woman in my carriage has fainted." Several passengers immediately pulled out pocket-pistols and proffered them. The visitor accepted the nearest, and, before the eyes of the astonished ewner, twisted off the cap and applied the vessel to

his lips. The rightful owner was too dumfounded to protest. Whim every drop of liquor had disappeared down his capacious throat, the benevolent person handed back the flask with an air of relief. " Ah, thanks !" was his only remark, " that's just what I needed. It always makes me feel squeamish to see a woman faint." And with that he banged the door to and disappeared.

Some curious arithmetic crept into the estimates concerning the Thames deep levels that were published on the eve of last week's conference of company representatives. A tunnel of 2706 feet, and three branch drives of 400 feet, 400 feet, and 500 feet, were said to make up a grand total of 3006 feet. As if that wasn't queer enough, the cost of all this driving was set down at £2000, and it was going to take five company contributions of £2000, and a Government subsidy to boot, to make up the capital required. Clearly, some third standard schoolboy is needed to assist in the statistical departments of either the mining offices, or, as is more likely, the editorial rooms of the two Auckland dailies.

In these days of Liberalism the Government frowns sternly upon sweating in industrial matters. Yet one of its own departments stands self-confessed as a glaring offender in that direction. The other day an upcountry newspaper proprietor applied to the Commissioner of Crown Lands in Auckland for authority to publish an advertisement concerning certain Crown lands that were about to be thrown open. In reply he received the cool intimation that "the Department does not advertise lands open for application in the newspapers. Publicity is given by posters at the Post Offices and locals in the daily papers." In other words, the Government expects 10 get its advertising of Crown lands done gratis by the newspaper owners of the Dominion, and is not ashamed to say so. But it would be interesting to know in what way it distinguishes its own conduct from that of the sweating factory manager whom it so whole-heartedly condemns.

In the matter of fish yarns, the " Star " is evidently out on the war trail after the " Herald." Here is the stellar effort, which is really a very creditable one :— " A fish nine inches long, with a beard under its mouth not unlike that of a goat, blue eyes, and a face similar to that of a sheephead fish, was caught recently off Catalina Island by a seineman. He placed it in the aquarium, where it was studied by several local experts. So far, however, nobody learned in fish lore has been able to classify this strange denizen of the deep. The species is iridescent." It is now up to Grandma to desperately snatch her veracious pen and do her worßt. But if this sort of thing goes on much longer, it is likely to wreck the constitutions of the more weakly readers of the daily papers. It is wonderful what startling items of news you can get for a penny in these up-to-date days.

Down at Raglan, where cow-bails are now as numerous as totaras, and Strawberry and Bundle are leg-roped morning and night in regions in which not long ago the blanketed Maori roved in savage freedom, they are telling a good story at the expense of an alleged Dairy Depaitment expert. Said expert came round to examine the separators of the district, and to put them to rights where they were out of order. He proved a skilful mechanic, and generally discovered and rectified what had gone wrong with the works. When, however, the work was done, and the farmers were called upon by the soi-disant Government official for fees ranging from 15s to £1, they generally looked blue. For in this coddled country there has grown up a habit of leaning upon the Government for moat things. Still, as good value had been given for the charges levied, the farmer usually paid up in the end, and tried to look as if he enjoyed the process. • • • In the course of his tour the " expert" came to the homestead where an up-to-date Maori punches the cowteats and grazes his flocks. John Maori happened to have a separator that wouldn't gee, and he welcomed the " official " with open arms. " You come from te Kawanatanga ?" he demanded, as a preliminary to the negotiations. And when the visitor repeated his assurance that he did, the coloured dairyman exclaimed "Kapai !" and led the way to his separator house and pointed out the jibbing machine. The " expert " laboured at it, and soon had it going smoothly. Then he demanded the uaual " ntu." But his coloured brother knew a game worth two of shelling out his cash. "You not tell me that you te Kawanatanga expert ?" he asked. " Yea," answered the mechanic, walking innocently, into the snare. «• Then whf^l pay ypn?" rejoined the dnskj ;I«ni^^tfi ■ siniolated indignstipn j vf 1 y ou i get : te

me. Haere." Then he turned on his heel and walked away. And now every cow-spanker who had parted with his hard cash is kicking himself in private for not bethinking himself of the same idea, while the expert has found it expedient to drop his assumed character of a State official.

Government economy up-to-date* Observe this : " Several interesting books are now nearing publication at the Government Printing Office. Dr Hocken's 'Bibliography of New Zealand Literature,' a book of nearly 500 pages, will be ready in a few weeks. A work on trawling, by Mr E. R. Waite, curator of the Canterbury Museum, is very near completion, and a book on the late expedition to the sub-Antarctic regions, edited by Dr Chilton, of Canterbury College will be out of the printer's hands in two or three months' time. A work on the mollusca of New Zealand, by Mr H. Snter, of Auckland, is also in course of preparation." The question is: Who will read these exciting publications when they are completed ? Born to blush unseen, they will languish in obscurity. That is probably about all that the public will get for its money.

The advertisement of a city clothier in one of the dailies is starring a line of trousers " for long wear." Bat isn't this rather superfluous ? If they were not to be worn long, wouldn't they be breeches, or knickerbockers, and not trousers at all?

Two of the clerks who push pens in a certain mercantile office have ' managed to establish a reputation amongst their fellows for familiarity with more or less classical music. That reputation, however, was considerably discounted by an incident which happened the other morning. Under the window of their room the German Band was giving forth an air which both the amateurs affected to enjoy. " That's a capital performance of * Cavalleria Rasticana,' " remarked clerk No. 1, effusively. " ' Cavalleria ' be blowed," sneered the . other ; "shows how much you know about it. Thought everybody knew that that was Schubert's 'Aye Maria.'" For five minutes disputation ran high aB to the identity of the item. Then I 1 it was decided to eettle the point by i Bending the office boy down to ascertain what the band had been playing, i Presently the youngster returned with a, quizzical expression on his features, i " Well," exclaimed both the disputants i in a breath, "what wasit^ "'Kil« v i larney,' gents," said the %P|ooßßenger t k with a sardonic grin. Wbjirtat both [ the musical enthusiasts buried their ► heads in their ledgers, and a frivolous •office mate suggested that some day