FACTS & FANTASIES

Observer, Volume XXIX, Issue 42, 3 July 1909, Page 14

FACTS & FANTASIES

IT is usually the ignorant or confused frequenters of a library ..; . who are responsible for amusing mistakes, but occasionally an oyerhaughty guardian of literature .:giyes. occasion for a quiet smile to i those she serves. To a request for .'-"■.■ Prometheus Unbound," one suoh replied, with chilling decisiveness, fc";We have no unbound books." '"More recently a school teacher, wishing to extend her rather scanty knowledge of the stories of Edgar : Allan Poe, in view of the centenary of his birth, inquired at the delivery desk of a rural library for " The Gold Bug," adding, " I can't find it in the catalogue, but I'm sure you have it. A friend of mine had it out last week." The librarian glanced at the cardcatalogue drawer over which the teacher had been poring, and smiled a superior smile. "No wonder, Miss Jones," she explained, with patient gentleness, You're loking under 'Fiction.' Turn to 'Entomology,' and you won't have any trouble." Smiling in her turn, a different and more genial smile, the teacher turned to "Entomology," and there indeed, duly classified with learned works on Lepidoptera and Coleoptera she found the unscientific but fascinating insect invented by that master of mystery tales. The president of a woman's club, also brushing up her knowledge of Poe before writing a paper on his life, sought at the local library for that weird tale of horrors, " The Pit and the Pendulum." She was referred to the card catalogue, and advised to look under "Mechanics" or "Horology."

" After all," said the optimist, " you must admit that this is the best world you have ever been in." " Yes," replied the pessimist ; " but, hang it, my wife is the best wife I've ever had, and that's not saying much for her." « ■ • "Jane," began Mrs -Newly wed, timidly, "I don't ssupposee — cr — that you would — cr — object to my getting an alarm clock ?" " Not at all, ma'am !" replied the sleepy maid. " Them things never disturb me at all." • • • A number of speculators were discussing the subject of investments, when one of them said to another who had some disastrous remembrances, " I say, old man, as an expert, give us a definition o the term 'bonanza.'" "A 'bonanza,'" replied the disappointed speculator, with emphasis, 'is a hole in the ground, owned b- a champion liar." " Now, Willie, you know I told you not to go in swimming, and yet you have been in the water." " I know it, ma ; but Satan tempted mo" " And why did you not tell Satan to go behind you ?" "I did, and ho kicked me in." ■ • ■ "Poor fellow, he died in poverty," said a man of a person lately deceased. " That isn't anything," exclaimed a seedy bystander. " Dying in poverty is no hardship ; it's living in poverty that puts the thumbscrews on a fellow." » • » O'Flanagan came home one night with a deep band of black crape around his hat. /'Why, Mike," exclaimed the wife, "what are you wearing that mournful thing for ?" "I am wearing it for your first husband," .replied Mike, firmly ; " I'm sorry he's dead."

Mr Oldboy (soaring into philosophy) : "Yes, Miss Youngthing, all th© evils of civilisation are due to overcrowding. ' ' Miss Youngthing : " That is true, Mr Oldboy — please move a little farther towards your end of the sofa." ■ • • It is said that a well-bred ant will lay 50,000 eggs a day. Go to the ant, thou hen ! * * • Customer : "I want some kind of a door-spring, one that won't get out of order." Hardware Dealer : "A doorspring ?" Customer : " Yes, and one that won't require the strength of an elephant to open." Dealer : " H'm !" Customer : " And yet it must be strong enough to bring the door all the way to, and not leave it swinging open a couple of inches." Dealer : " I see." Customer : " And when the door closes I don't want it to ram shut like a catapult, with a jar that shakes the house from its foundations." Dealer : "Yes ; you want one that will bring the door all the way to, and do it gently.' Customer : ' That's the idea. But I don't want any complicated arrangement that requires a skilled mechanic to attend to it." Dealer : "No, of course not ; you wajit something simple, yet strong and effective." Customer : " That's the talk ; something that can be put on or taken off easily ; something that will do its work quietly yet thoroughly, and won't be eternally getting out of order." Dealer :"I see. I know exactly what you want, sir, just exactly." Customer : "Well, show me one." Dealer : "We don't keep doorsprings.'

Pedlar : ' ' Madam, I am introducing a new kind of soap " Madam : " I don't want it." Pedlar : "It costs but half as much as the old -" Madam : " I don't want it, I tell you." Pedlar : " And does twice the work of " Madam : " Don't * want it. Get out." Pedlar : " Of any other kind, and is excellent for the complexion. Madam : " How much is it ?" A warning against probing too deeply into the motives of a man is contained in this story. A number of jurymen appeared before a certain Misouri judge, and every man explained that it would mean disaster to him to serve at that time — all but a little fellow at the end of the* line, a hunter who had lived in a cabin on the creek all his life. " You have no excuse to offer ?" asked the surprised judge. "No, sir." " Haven't got a sick mother-in-law needing your attention ?" " No, sir ; I ain't married." " What about your crop ?" "Don't raise anything." " No fence to fix up ?" " Haven't got a fence on the place." " You think you can spare the time to serve on a jury for two weeks ?" "Sure." The judge sat a while and medidated. Reaching over, he whisperod to the clerk, who shook his head in perplexity. Then the judge's curiosity got the better of him. "You are the only man who haa got the time to serve your country as a juryman," he said. "Would you mind telling me how it happens '?" " Sure not," replied the little man, promptly. "I heard you was goinr to try Jake Billings. He shot a dog o' mine once."