FACTS & FANTASIES

Observer, Volume XXIX, Issue 27, 20 March 1909, Page 14

FACTS & FANTASIES

A MAGAZINE writer asks : ' ' What kind of a wife shall a young man marry ?" So long as there are so many single young women who are eligible in every way he'd better not marry a wife at all." 9 0 m Pretty Girl : m advertised for a type- writer." Business Man (admiringly) : "Yes. The wages are fifteen — I mean thirty — shillings a week, the hours are short, and the work light. Any one with the slightest knowledge of type-writing can fill the position. I am not at all critical. But my correspondence is a little behind, and the work should commence at once. Take that seat ' ' Pretty Girl : "Thank you, but I do not understand type-writing. I am seeking a position for my brother, who is waiting outside, and I will send him in. Thank you ever so much. You are very kind, and it's a comfort to know that any one can fill the position, and no experience is required, for he hasn't had any." Rev. Dogood : " No man is so bad that there is not a little of the angel left in him."

Bobson : " Guess that's so. Remember Spilkins ? Everybody thought he was about the worst man on earth. Why, his own mother wouldn't oome to his funeral. Well, sir, I've been told a thousand times a month for the last five years that Spilkins was the only real saint that ever lived." "My goodness !"

" I married Spilkins' widow."

Victim : "000 l % Phe^ ! You charge double prica for' this kind of a shampoo, don't you ?" Barber : " Yes." - Victim : "So I thought. I notice that .you are making me suffer twice * as much."

An Irishman, ascended the platform at a political meeting amid generous applause. " Now, bhbys," he exclaimed when the plaudits had subsided, " afore I begin to spake allow me a few wurrds by way ov preparation for more !"

" Yes, I'm of no account with your Trees and .Alexanders," said a proprietor of a wooden theatre, "but I play Shakspere. Only last week I gave 'em ' Louis the Cross-Eye. ' Look — here you are !" — and he offered for inspection a bill headed " Grand production of ' Louis Xl.' "

" Is — is the d-dentist in ?" inquired a gentleman who had left home with the intention of "having the beastly thing out and done with." " Yes, sir," the servant replied. ' ' He can see you at once if you wish." "Oh, no, no ! I — l didn't want to see him — I'm g-glad he's in. I was afraid he was out in this wretched weather, you know. Might catch cold. Good day !"

Insurance Superintendent : "Think this Mr Lieon is a good risk, eh ?" Agent : " Couldn't be better." " Perhaps he has some dangerous occupation." "No, indeed. He'll never get hurt. He's a policeman." ■ * » " Oh, George, how splendidly you tackle." When the elderly dame who had her ear at the keyhole of the parlour door heard this she went away reassured . "They are talking of football," she said.